Yes I’m going to have more surgery on Thursday. Only this time I am SCARED TO DEATH. Thursday I go to St. Agnes Hospital and I see Dr.G. Thomas Grace for a full “tummy tuck” (Abdominoplasty) and a mastopexy or BOOB LIFT… no implants at this point just a lift but Dr. Grace seems to think I”ll be happy with the results. I may be… he may be… but Jim… well he may not be. Of course I’ll still be flat on top so implants may be needed to make the girls fluffy pillows.. but with implants they will be. Dr. Grace says it’s the bra that makes the cleavage but I am not sure that’s going to be enough for me. Oh well time will tell… I will live with them for a bit and see how it goes…

I was not half this scared when I had the gastric bypass in September 2009. I cannot believe it’s almost two years since I had that surgery… it seems like yesterday….

My weight this morning was high for me now… 151.2 I have been as low as 145. The morning of surgery I was 256… that’s about 30 pounds down from my heaviest…. so I’ve lost about 135 pounds. THAT’S about what I’ll weigh when all the plastic surgery is done. I’ve lost ME…. wow.

I’ve also FOUND me… my life has changed so much… my marriage died…. my life changed with the addition of Jim as my partner… I’m now doing an age gap relationship where calling me a cougar seems appropriate… Jim is 38 to my 51 and there are days I feel so old… I’m also doing a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) and it’s HARD. I want to be with Jim full time… and being apart is HARD for both of us…. I really like being a girl… you know feminine and girly… I never really did that in the past… Jim, while not demanding these changes in my life… encourages them, relishes them, supports them (both emotionally physically and financially)…. and he enables me to find the person I am enjoying becoming….

So what has changed for me now…

I dress differently..no more comfy clothes… now it’s skirts and skinny jeans… and SHOES… oy SHOES… i used to only wear comfy flats… now it’s heels almost all the time… even my running around shoes have a 1 inch heel…. that’s about as flat as I get now… nothing much that’s elastic waist… Dresses… form fitting, no A line stuff for me… and it’s true clothes make the (wo)man… I feel differently about myself when I dress up…. it’s a good thing.

My hair… long and curly is no more.. now it’s short and straight… (and yes I like it better this way, makes me look more mature and yet younger… and the color…no longer a Lucille Ball red… now it’s more of a dark auburn… almost a brown with red…. I may go a bit darker still….

Jewelry is plentiful. There are bracelets that Jim has bought me.. my beautiful collar/locket that we had engraved and altered to reflect our life together…. I never liked things around my neck before I lost weight… now I feel naked without my beautiful collar… (and yes it’s a collar that indicates that Jim and I are in a committed relationship, some women wear rings… I have my collar… Jim wears a beautiful ring that I got him… I like that we want traditional things like a committed relationship but wish to symbolize it with non-traditional things…. he also wears his bracelet that I had engraved with KEEPER on it… For he is A keeper… and he is MY KEEPER…. and he takes care of me….

I love this picture… it defines how safe I feel with Jim…. and how Happy I am… I hate that I think I look old and my belly looks like I’m pregnant… I love how happy he looks with me all “critterfied” on him… He’s just such a delight to snuggle into…

Jim makes me feel pretty and sexy and desireable… odd considering that when we started this it was fun and games and I was not his type and not attractive to him….he was like he said “a single guy who was not going to turn down NSA sex” Amazing what love can do for a person… now I’m beautiful…. and he wants me… HOW the hell did I get here with him?

Anyway, I am doing the 95 trek after work to go get him… Hopefully I will be there by 6… I have to drive during rush hour…and he is being very kind and dealing with his dislike of my house and staying with me… He makes a lot of sacrifices for me… and I appreciate it.

Hopefully this summer of pain and stress will be worth it….

Tags: abdominoplasty, breast lift, collar, doctor, goal weight, Jim, Keeper, mastopexy, new clothes, plastic surgery, raving rambling, scared, surgery, tummy tuck, weight, weight loss, whining

I am self-destructive.  I am not a grown up. I would like to pretend I am a grown up but I’m not.   Why when something good happens to me do I try to break it?   Why do I get so afraid to be happy and sane and safe and healthy?  Why am I afraid to not be the one in charge???

omg the above statement was made as a draft way back in march! it’s so so so so very true. I had a great thing… and I broke it. and I’m crazy and I deserve to be in pain… at least that’s how my warped brain is dealing with losing Jim.

yes it did
it’s mostly my fault but still

i’m hurting
the man i love is gone…

I am in a bad place.
I did a bad thing
I hurt someone I love more than life itself in many ways.
I hurt myself in the process.

right now I hate me.

I am here! I am busy having a life with Jim…. up and down 95 by train for him or car for me…

Brian is doing well he’s met a lovely young woman with three small children…

my dear dogs… Harley is living with friends… doing well
Hannah has gone to stay with her aunt (Brian’s sister in law) and Jim and I pay dog support for her food and medical care…. I miss them both but Jim is so allergic we had no choice. And boy did he try to make it work!

Tags: dog support, Jim

Lost another Monday

but today is worse. I feel like ca-ca.  I have yet ANOTHER cold…  this is like my fourth cold this winter… why I am so sick this winter i have no idea.  I think I got this one either from my team lead or a co-worker or maybe Brian… ugh… I know I’ shared it with Jim and Daniel.

I came in and did my letter for work and i want nothing more than to go  home and go to bed… ugh.

but I am toughing it out as best as I can….

Tags: brian, cold, Jim, sick, whining

I love message boards.   I love support that I get at message boards… I love attention I get at message boards.  At small message boards such as  South Beach Friends I’ve made AWESOME long term REAL friends.  Many of them I’ve met in person.   That kind of board is special.   Your friends, know you, love you, care about you, do NOT blow smoke up your butt…they call it like they see it.  And that’s a good thing.  Having friends in real life and/or online who tell you WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR vs. what you WANT to hear are good.     It may hurt but it’s important.

South Beach Friends started out as a diet support board.  It’s morphed into  a bunch of friends hanging out and speaking their minds… and I love that.  

But it’s still about being healthy and sane… and my current situation is NOT sane.  NOT at all. And I know this.  So what is it I need for support right now?   I am in a long distance relationship.  I HATE it. It’s killing us. BOTH of us.  WE are so freaking sleep deprived it’s NOT funny. it’s as if we need to be on the phone half the night… as if that makes being apart better… but does it?  

We become non-functional in the important parts of our day.  Hell I’m non-functional now just thinking of him… I worry about Jim, he worries about me,  phone calls are a lousy substitue for hugs…  so I seek others who GET it.  Well at South Beach Friends, there are no LDRs going on… so I look for other message boards..  but what do I need support for?  

It’s:

1.  A long distance relationship

2.  An age gap relationship because I am 13+ years older than Jim

3.  A relationship that contributed to the breakup of my marriage  (NOT the cause but the catalyst)

4.  Dominant personalities trying to find their way

5.  addictive personalities trying to find their way

so tell me where is the message board for  Long Distance Cougars…. etc etc etc….

Tags: feelings, Friends, frustration, Jim, long distance relationship, message board, phone, ranting, sleep deprived, support

Last week I lost Tuesday… i was just too tired.

This week I lost monday.  Why?  Because Sunday I went to see Jim and stayed over night… we had a minor fender bender with the car and the car needed to go to the shop and I needed a rental.   Most of yesterday was spent dealing with the insurance with that.

I decided at the very very last  minute to go have dinner with Jim on Sunday night… we needed to talk about some things and we both felt in person was a better choice.. Brian agreed to help me with the dogs so I opted to stay overnight.  

We had a late dinner and talked and talked and talked.  Everything is wonderful.    We ran some errands.  and at the second Errand.. we hit a pole with the front of my car.   Thankfully the car was driveable and I was able to get home..  But Monday was spent with insurance and rentals and all that stuff…   I am so glad I am a federal employee and life is flexible… how do others do it???

Anyway the car is in the shop, I’m driving a Jeep Liberty for the rental… HUGE car compared to my Matrix but I like it.  Jim wanted me to try it and offered to pay the difference since insurance covers $30 per day… I think I could learn to like it… 

I have to start getting more sleep… this going to bed at midnight or later is killing me…

So, today is a tuesday that feels like Monday…  and next week, I will be off Friday and Monday….  FOUR DAY WEEKEND BABY… with Jim no less!  woo-hoo.

Tags: accident, car, Jim, sleep

Not going to make a long story short here so settle down for the long haul.

I will skip all the stuff about how I’ve known Jim since August 2009… WE first had some serious interaction in August 2010 at a gaming convention.   I’m an outrageous flirt… and with my then-husband’s permission I was rather assertive in my desires of Jim.   Jim even questioned him as to whether or not I was “permitted” this dalliance and was told I was…  Sadly nothing came of it back in August.

Fast forward to the beginning of November 2010 at yet ANOTHER gaming con…. I ramped up the flirting to OVER the TOP… I even posted in private that I was so  over the top that I probably got myself in trouble with “flirty guy” as I referred to him then and there…  He actually sent me a text asking to talk to me… I tossed and turned all night thinking he was going to “slap my hand’ and tell me how inappropriate I was; but no, the truth was, I was OUT there enough to FINALLY CATCH his attention.. and I’m rather glad I did.

So in the beginning of November we decided to start this “relationship”.  I was NOT cheating or lying as my husband knew I was spending time with Jim.  What I did not share was how deeply my feelings for this man were growing on a daily basis. I NEVER meant to care for him the way I do… nor did I ever expect him to care about me back… but we do.  And here we sit.

WE started out slowly  A short visit in early December.. then nothing for four weeks…  a visit in early January showed that we continued to enjoy being together.    That one lasted a bit longer but still not even 24 hours.  Then came the “command performance” as I call it.  A visit two weeks later on January 22nd still only a 23 hour stay… but this visit was pivotal for me.  This was the visit where I realized just how important this man was becoming to me…  and it scared me.    I SHOULD have run then.  But I could not.  or would not is more accurate.

WE made the conscious choice to pursue a relationship.  IT was NOT the reason my marriage broke up. It was a catalyst towards the end of something that should be over.   Being with Jim has given me the strength and courage to do what I needed to do.. NOT stop Brian when he walked out this last time.

WE had another visit in February  our first full weekend.. two nights… Friday-Sunday and I loved it so much I did it again the NEXT weekend…  and by then I was done for.  HOOKED.

We talked and I realized what was going on for me and I expressed my desire to see him more than once a month.  We have currently settled on every other weekend but I do not know how long that will last..  there are days it’s all I can do to NOT get in the car and make the 2 hour trek….

My husband moved out and we just ran full speed ahead into trying to see what we have.   And yes I’m glad we are trying this on to see how it fits.   It’s NOT easy.  Long distance relationships are HARD.  We are both suffering from severe lack of sleep on a regular basis.  My car knows the route so well I don’t even have to pay attention much. I have the trip up 95 down to a science.  1 hour 15 minutes to the Delaware Welcome Center (DWC) which puts me 45 minutes from Jim’s front door.   Baring traffic of course.  The Delaware Toll Plaza is the bane of my existence.  I hope the construction is done soon…. it’s so bad I’m getting an EZ Pass again..

While we live 2 freaking hours apart (and that’s killing me more and more)… We are in agreement that we are a couple now.   Jim makes me smile.  He pushes me to be the best person I can be and yet nurtures me when I need to be coddled and babied.   He is independent enough to take care of himself and yet lets (and needs)  me  (to) take care of  him JUST enough…

I have no idea where we will go. I have no idea how long we will walk towards that goal.  I do know that adding a new partner to my life when my old partner is still in the picture was harder than I ever imagined.  Lots of tears were shed.  Feelings hurt, hearts broken.   Friends lost and confused by this don’t know what to say or who to say it to.   AND it’s compounded by the fact that  MY friends are folks that KNOW Jim…

But now that it’s just the two of us… and I can be open about it… I want to shout to the world that this man is mine. And I am his.

It’s COMPLICATED does NOT begin to describe my life now…

Tags: feelings, Friends, Jim, pictures