I just tried the OhYeah! Vanilla Creme Protein Drink.  It has 32 grams of protein per bottle and it’s Lactose Free.   It does have 220 calories and 9 grams of fat. It has 3 grams of sugar.   I opened the bottle and the smell was not that lovely MILKSHAKE smell that I was hoping for but it was not terrible.  The taste is not bad either and I can see my grabbing one of these on a regular basis for breakfast since I still have protein shakes for breakfast pretty much every day.   Brian tried the Cookies and Cream flavor this morning and HE LIKED IT!  Brian does NOT like protein drinks.  NUFF said.  This will be kept in our fridge from now on. 

Tags: drink, Protein, review

Well I took today off.  I was  off Monday too… I love my job.  Monday I called in Tired.

I’m working on a post for the blog at work but I wanted to get this up here today.  Today was my 6 month check up.  I was 6 months out on the 22nd.  I know that I’ve lost 63 pounds since surgery date according to my scale.  Maybe I need to count it the way the doctor does.  According to the doctor I had 143 pounds of EWL which means I’ve lost 88.66 pounds so far from the pre-op weight at the office.  Makes sense to count from their scale.   I weighed 193.5 today.  that means that I weighed  282.16  from the countdown.  that’s 62% lost at 6 months where 50% is the goal so I’m doing great.   It also means their goal for me is about 139.  I will NEVER get there and they know it.  They don’t plan for me to.  I would like to see 146 for a while.   If I lose 125 pounds that would put me at 157.  I can do that.  I can even live with that.  That means that I would want to weigh about 153 on my scale and that means that I’m a mere 37 pounds from GOAL.   Umm that’s scary.

Even Better NEWS:   my blood work was FREAKING PERFECT

Glucose was 84  just where I wanted it.  it was 100 last time

IRON:

85 this time up from 64 last time

TIBC is 266 down from 273

% saturation is 32 last time it was 23

UIBC is 181 down from 209 last time

Ferritin was 125 down from 145 last time

not too sure about these IRON numbers that are going down.  I need to ask Andrea

My Cholesterol is 127 it was 129

Prealbumin is 21.4 up from 19.2

my vitamin d was 78 up from a piddly 23

my A1C went down to 5.8 from 5.9 basically no change

my triglycerides are down to 90 from 92

so I’m very pleased with my blood work

the doctor is pleased with my weight loss

he will see me in September

the LCSW will see me in June…

all is right with the world.

Tags: blood work, surgiversary

I did not think that I would change. I really truly thought I would stay
the same at least on the inside. I mean I was friendly, I was outgoing,
I was smart and funny and personable. I’m the same person. At least I
think I’m the same person. I wanted to stay the same person. I don’t’
think I can. I say the same things. BUT they are taken differently now.
They have a different impact. Dressing has changed. Walking has changed.
Shopping has changed. Friends have changed. I’ve changed. And I feel
like I’ve betrayed not only myself but my entire support system of fat
friends.

I did not feel ignored by strangers. But I was ignored. I just didn’t
notice. Did I not notice it because it would have hurt to notice or did
I not notice because now I have no choice but to be aware of it? I
notice now because NOW I’m not ignored. NOW men smile at me, NOW men talk to me, NOW men that for the last 5 years have treated me as
non-existent talk to me. Do they think I don’t notice their shallowness?
Do they think differently about me? If I regain my weight do I become
invisible yet again? And yet I was FINE with this invisibility. I didn’t
notice it. I didn’t care about it. Because I truly thought it did not
exist. But sadly it does. And I’m not sure how I feel about this.

And it’s not just men, women respond differently too. What is it about a
fat chick that makes folks so damn uncomfortable? Is it that they might
become us.. or scandalous they might LIKE US? Or do they think “fat
slob” as if we can’t be fat and not sloppy…

I wonder if maybe I’ve changed.  I have a male friend at work who has been my friend from DAY one because fat does not scare him, and he says he thinks I’ve changed.  I know I move faster, I have a spring in my step that wasn’t there at 286… I look around more.  But yet, I feel shyer than I did before WLS.   AND, I don’t think I’ve changed.   But I wonder.  I mean really.. maybe I have.. maybe now I DARE them to flirt with me.. MAYBE now my unconscious body language is different.

I so wanted to be one of those girls that DID NOT CHANGE.  I’m the SAME as I was 100 pounds ago.  Umm… no I learned it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY no matter how much we would like it to.

Writing this does not flow like I had hoped. I guess it’s more painful
than I care to admit. I always thought of myself as cute. My standard
response is “I show up and look cute” until recently that always got a
chuckle and a nod… now it gets “you’re doing it well” and laughter or
big smiles and “yes you do” and that look… you know THAT look… the
slight tilt of the head, the flirtatious smile…. STUFF I’m allowed to do
but that MEN should NOT be doing to me. I’m FIFTY. I’m FIFTY and FAT and
MARRIED… I’m a huge flirt but not if men are going to flirt back. At
least not strangers. ME? The attention whore is not happy with
ATTENTION. Go figure.

I wanted to write more but so many things are in my head as I sort this out.  I’m really struggling with the fact that I’m struggling.  Oy I’m so Jewish.

3/2/2010…  Yoga and Eating and Body Dysmorpia OH MY….

So many things I want to talk about today…

Let’s start with positive stuff…

DO YOU YOGA?

I have discovered that loving yoga is very very (at least for me) dependent on the instructor and the class size. I prefer a smaller easier paced interesting class.  AND I prefer MORNINGS.  Go figure.  When the heck did I become a MORNING person???

Anyway, the afternoon classes at my gym are full; VERY full (about 40 people) while the morning classes are about 10 people or so.  Maybe 13 if it’s crowded.   Also Tammie my wonderful trainer teaches it two days a week and Michelle teaches it on Wednesday mornings… I LOVED class today and I look forward to Yoga days even though I have to work till 6 those nights…

What do I like about the Wednesday morning yoga class?  Well for one I like the instructor.  She’s NOT young. She’s not SKINNY, She’s got scars and wounds and boo-boos and she gets that so do we.  But boy can she move… and bend and twist.  Boy is she fit.    And her voice is gentle and lilting and she explains things… why we do them and how to do them…

Also the flow of the class is great.  First we stretch EVERYTHING and that feels so good…. Then we do the individual components of the flow we are going to do and that helps the body remember what we are doing… Then we do the actual flow and that’s the hardest part. Sometimes I want to QUIT but because the class is so small I can’t HIDE and do that so I suck it up and do my best. After two or three reps of the flow it’s back to stretching and then Shavasana

I actually FELL DOWN in class this morning… just fell RIGHT OUT of the pose…  CRASHED to the ground…. How embarrassing.  We were doing some interesting poses that I had never done before called Dragons and I loved them they were not HARD but they were a lot of twisting and moving.   We did them instead of the ‘regular’ sun salutations.  I just am a klutzy, confused kind of yogi… and it showed.

BUT, the key was I showed up. I did it and it felt GOOD.   AND I WANNA GO BACK!  AND I find that I’m starting to PUSH myself a bit harder in the gym than I did.  I like that light pain of the stretch, the feel of the heart rate going up when I’m doing cardio on the Arc Trainer.   I look forward to my time with Tammie, my trainer.  (I call her evil trainer woman or Tammie the torturer but gad she’s AWESOME and she’s really helped me push myself just a little bit…

But I digress and I want to get back to yoga.  I was getting a bit lightheaded in class.  It could have been from the CLICK I had this morning for the first time.  Or that I was dehydrated, or hungry, or my blood pressure was dropping.   I actually spoke to the nutritionist at my doctor’s office this morning because at one point I had to do Child’s Pose to get myself together.   Sloane seems to think it could have been DUMPING because the click has 7 grams of sugar.  OY do not get me started on DUMPING.   I don’t dump.  I wish I did.   Maybe I’ll start.  It would be nice.  What is dumping?  I’ll write something up on that later…

So there you have it, I went to yoga and I loved it.  I would do yoga every morning if I could… It’s just not the same if I do it at night… I’m not sure why.  But I’m betting it’s the class and the feel of the gym in the A.M. Now I’ve been doing yoga for a while and a few years ago I was doing it a lot and I liked it then… but as of recently I’m finding my YOGA groove…  and it’s GREAT..

I SCREAM YOU SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM….

for ice cream???    Naw but food is an issue.  And before we talk about Body Dysmorphia I want to talk about food… I love food.  A LOT.  I mean after all I did not get to be nearly 300 pounds because I don’t like to eat.   But I like CRUNCH and I’m missing POPCORN….  So I’ve started eating crackers.  NOW mind you crackers are allowed.  And I’m eating high protein low fat good for you crackers (in the APPROPRIATE amounts with appropriate protein accompaniments) such as Glen Soy or Wasa crackers and that’s FINE.  Ranesa (the LCSW) said so.  Sloane (the nutritionist) said so.  I  KNOW so; and yet I have GUILT about these foods.

I should NOT have GUILT about food.  FOOD is not good or bad.  It just IS.  Or at least it should be. Shouldn’t it? I mean after all, we NEED food to survive.  But we also enjoy it right? Is this a punishment I inflicted on myself?  NO I don’t think so.  I sometimes think that because BRIAN is not eating crackers at all.   I know this is my journey and not his but it’s hard to not compare since he had his surgery 5 WEEKS before I had mine.  Or maybe it’s because so many of the online support folks I know eschew carbs in all shapes and forms.  Or perhaps it’s the doctor’s orders that we not have BREAD, RICE or PASTA for six months.

I did read that after 6 months we can have up to 4 oz a day of this stuff.   Well let me tell you that FOUR oz of soy crisps is A LOT of soy crisps.  I may go home and measure it out… just to see.  They weigh like NOTHING.   So I’ve not been losing weight and I wonder if it’s from adding the crackers.   I mean I know I need the carbs and it’s not like I’m eating a candy bar or ice cream…  (Both things I loved before surgery.)

So I’m trying to wrap my brain around just what I should be eating.  I’m trying to figure out how to make this work.  I’m scared to fail and I think that’s the biggest issue.   I do not want to fail at this.  I mean if I fail at Weight Loss Surgery what’s LEFT???

I wonder if it’s guilt or FEAR.

FEAR that I may not be able to stop. FEAR that I’ll revert back to being a HUGE FAT person again  (but wait how can I think that when I already think I’m a huge fat person even though I’m down  NINETY POUNDS from my heaviest and FIFTY SEVEN pounds since surgery?!?!?!) OH wait.. That leads us to:

WHO’S THAT GIRL IN THE MIRROR???

<DEEP SIGH> I left the best for last.  I mean how to tackle this topic and not sound like a total loon…  I’ve lost a lot of weight.  I used to wear a tight size 26 I really needed a 28 but in May 2006 I started South Beach Diet and lost over 80 pounds…  I kept that off till October of 2008… but I NEVER got below 206 pounds…  And then Bagel died and I gained and gained and gained.  I was up around 271 and wearing size 24 and they were getting tight.  I got down to 253 for the morning of surgery and now I’m about 196 or so…  NOT skinny by any stretch of the imagination but at a lower weight than I could ever imagine since I was in my very early 30s..   AND YET, (she says ominously) I feel HUGE sometimes.  I feel like a total failure sometimes.   I look at myself in the mirror and I’m in awe of me… and sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m in awe of that cute lady with the cute curly red hair and the WAIST.. I mean who is she… cause damn she’s not me…  I’m a FAT CHICK.   I’m the chick that has to turn sideways to fit through doors.   I’m the girl at the table because I don’t fit in a booth.  I’m the girl who breaks chairs…  I see me in the mirror and I know on the surface it’s ME but when I’m not looking at me in the mirror (and I do it often because I’m AMAZED it’s me not because I’m vain) I have my mind’s eye that I’m still HUGE  and size 26.  I guess in the Matrix I’d be huge since that’s my self image.

There are so many things I don’t know how to deal with.  I don’t know how to know if I’m eating right.  I don’t know how to make sure I eat to lose weight because with WLS eating is different. We focus on protein so much that I don’t really get veggies much.  I miss them.  Sometimes I can eat more than others.   It’s hard to find a balance. I struggle with food. I struggle with image. I  think I’m punking out in yoga class cause I step out of the pose but  I’M TRYING and that’s better than a year ago.

So   I don’t know how to see me as I really am and I’m not sure I’ll EVER find that out.  I know good foods.  I know that it’s a matter of calories in vs. calories out.  At least it’s supposed to be.  You would think that with 1000 calories per day about I’d be losing a lot more weight…  Tis a puzzlement…

Tags: body dysmorphia, dumping, Exercise, yoga

March 1, 2010

Wow it’s MARCH already.  My birthday month.  Yep that’s right I’m going to be FIFTY in 13 days.  Hannah my pup will be 8 in 12 days.    That puts her at about 56 in human years.  I think she and I are at the same point… stiff in the mornings,  not always hearing when we are called,  having to potty more often, and just wanting to lay around and do NOTHING..

Today is a critical weigh day.   It’s the first of the month and it’s a Monday.   double whammy.  and yet my weight decided to be stupid.   I was at 193.8 this past Saturday and today I was up nearly 4 pounds to 197.6.  I know it’s water and poop.. but that does not change things… it makes me want to cry.  It means that my loss for the month of February 2010 was 4.4 pounds.  OUCH.  that’s like NOTHING for someone  5 months out from weight loss surgery.

Oh well,  today is the gym… I’ll feel better after the gym.

But wait there’s more…

NORMAN bless his heart sent me a great new picture.  

isn’t she GREAT?!?!?!

My new addiction.. STEAMPUNK…