I did not think that I would change. I really truly thought I would stay
the same at least on the inside. I mean I was friendly, I was outgoing,
I was smart and funny and personable. I’m the same person. At least I
think I’m the same person. I wanted to stay the same person. I don’t’
think I can. I say the same things. BUT they are taken differently now.
They have a different impact. Dressing has changed. Walking has changed.
Shopping has changed. Friends have changed. I’ve changed. And I feel
like I’ve betrayed not only myself but my entire support system of fat
friends.

I did not feel ignored by strangers. But I was ignored. I just didn’t
notice. Did I not notice it because it would have hurt to notice or did
I not notice because now I have no choice but to be aware of it? I
notice now because NOW I’m not ignored. NOW men smile at me, NOW men talk to me, NOW men that for the last 5 years have treated me as
non-existent talk to me. Do they think I don’t notice their shallowness?
Do they think differently about me? If I regain my weight do I become
invisible yet again? And yet I was FINE with this invisibility. I didn’t
notice it. I didn’t care about it. Because I truly thought it did not
exist. But sadly it does. And I’m not sure how I feel about this.

And it’s not just men, women respond differently too. What is it about a
fat chick that makes folks so damn uncomfortable? Is it that they might
become us.. or scandalous they might LIKE US? Or do they think “fat
slob” as if we can’t be fat and not sloppy…

I wonder if maybe I’ve changed.  I have a male friend at work who has been my friend from DAY one because fat does not scare him, and he says he thinks I’ve changed.  I know I move faster, I have a spring in my step that wasn’t there at 286… I look around more.  But yet, I feel shyer than I did before WLS.   AND, I don’t think I’ve changed.   But I wonder.  I mean really.. maybe I have.. maybe now I DARE them to flirt with me.. MAYBE now my unconscious body language is different.

I so wanted to be one of those girls that DID NOT CHANGE.  I’m the SAME as I was 100 pounds ago.  Umm… no I learned it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY no matter how much we would like it to.

Writing this does not flow like I had hoped. I guess it’s more painful
than I care to admit. I always thought of myself as cute. My standard
response is “I show up and look cute” until recently that always got a
chuckle and a nod… now it gets “you’re doing it well” and laughter or
big smiles and “yes you do” and that look… you know THAT look… the
slight tilt of the head, the flirtatious smile…. STUFF I’m allowed to do
but that MEN should NOT be doing to me. I’m FIFTY. I’m FIFTY and FAT and
MARRIED… I’m a huge flirt but not if men are going to flirt back. At
least not strangers. ME? The attention whore is not happy with
ATTENTION. Go figure.

I wanted to write more but so many things are in my head as I sort this out.  I’m really struggling with the fact that I’m struggling.  Oy I’m so Jewish.