Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

At what price success????

on July 1, 2010

Ah July 1st where is this year going, where is this summer going?  Where is my life going?    New month, new beginning, scale talk, so many things in my brain today…  I am just past 9 months out from a Roux-en-y gastric bypass and I am struggling today with the fact that maybe I’m at the tail end of my easy time….  How sad this makes me..

How in the world could I be DONE at 9 months… and the non-reptilian part of my brain says “STUPID you’re NOT DONE”…. but then there is the  purely emotional part of me that says  OMG I lost less than TWO POUNDS for the entire CALENDAR MONTH OF JUNE 2010… I must be DONE….   ummm how about… just stalled.. And not even really stalled I lost .35 pounds per week over a 4 week period.  NOT quite half a pound but it’s still A LOSS… RIGHT?   Who am I trying to convince??  WHAT am I trying to convince myself of?  And WHO am I being competitive with?  Probably me, myself and I….

Ok I admit it.  I wanna be a skinny bitch. Totally.  I wanna be a size 8.  I admit it.  I want a flat belly…  NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I actually considered ever so briefly the other day that 128 would be a good weight for me.  Then reality hits me like a cold wet slap in the face… I may be 5’2” but I’m still about 170 pounds and a size 12… and I console myself with the fact that it’s VANITY sizing. I want to be Marilyn Monroe Size 12…not this stupid size 12 is the old size 16 crap….

Why do I let the scale rule my mind?  Why in the world do I say I’m a FAILURE because I lost  XX or DIDN”T lose XX in a particular CALENDAR month….

And that’s all it is the CALENDAR MONTH…

I look at what I’ve lost from my HEAVIEST known weight.  I use 286 which was my scale at home. I am sure I was heavier at one point.  I do recall the doc had me once at 293 but that was a long time ago and my records are not showing that… but I remember it…  and I count 253 from the morning of surgery as my start weight for this current adventure… 100 pounds would be so cool to lose.  My goal of 151 would make it 102… and 128 would be 125 pounds even… I get goose bumps thinking about that.  It’s got to be unrealistic for me to think I could weigh 128.  I have 111 pounds currently of lean body mass… I need about 41 pounds of fat… so I should weigh about 152…. Or thereabouts… 128 is INSANE… so  I’m down 116 from my solid heaviest.  I’m about 20 pounds from GOAL or am I 42 pounds from goal???  There is no way I could maintain 128… there is no way I will look HEALTHY at 128… but my brain says.. TRY IT… just TRY IT SEE HOW you look… as it is I think my face is starting to look a bit gaunt and I still insist on losing 20 pounds.  OF course my body may have other ideas and I may be done.  Which is what I feel is where I am.  NOW I know it’s a stall. I know that I’m probably not done… but I’m SCARED that I’m done.  I DON”T WANNA BE DONE!   I wanna be a skinny bitch…

So how do I reconcile what society tells me about my weight with feeling good, looking good and doing the right thing…

Right now I don’t feel so good.. My left hamstring hurts.  Why?  Cause I was RUNNING on Tuesday and I pulled it a bit… RUNNING… not jogging, not WALKING… RUNNING… OMG… who ever thought I would WANT TO RUN!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!  But I do.  I like it.  My brain likes it.  My right side hurts a lot too but that’s chronic and annoying more than anything and I just deal with it.  Same with my horrible terrible no good very bad knees… torn meniscus on the left, arthritis on the right… here I am stuck in the middle with me…  BUT how much worse would I be if I hadn’t lost over 100 pounds or gotten my fat tush to the gym nearly EVERY DAY.  I go to the gym and work out not because of how I feel when I am doing it but how I feel the next morning.  I am able to move and bend most of the time fairly easily… and I know if I was not working out I’d be stiff and sore all the time…  So I feel pretty good… better than I did a year ago.

But then I wonder am I eating right?  I mean the calories I burn are about 2200 most days.  I think I should burn more but I seem to be burning less and less… this makes me cry…  Why is it on HARD workout days I still only burn about 2300 calories… WHAT am I doing WRONG???  OR am I just so damn short I have no choice.    UGH… good things come in small packages…. I wanna be taller so I can weigh more…. If I was taller I’d be DONE…  It sucks REALLY…

I mean the Go Wear Fit says I show a HUGE calorie deficit (over 900 per day on average)… so why am I NOT losing?? Maybe I’m not eating enough?   I can’t help but think I’m not eating enough… I don’t know what to think…  I just feel like crying.

I’m truly insane however… I’m having an average loss of 8 pounds a month or about 2 pounds a week… it’s NOT SHABBY. And I was told I ‘glow” that I look healthy… I was told yesterday that I “get more beautiful EVERY DAY”… so why oh why am I so defeated?

Why am I so scared I’m done.  Why do I feel like such a failure… do I need to just keep on keeping on or do I need to shake it up… how do I decide.. is 2 pounds enough of  a loss to say I’m still losing???

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