Sunday July 11, 2010 I was a few months past turning 50 and a few days away from being ten months out from my rebirth of RNY WLS… The Thursday before I decided to participate in a 5k event. I didn’t say RUN. I didn’t say RACE. I said participate in an event… and that’s what I did.
My goal… verbalized, my goal was to finish in 45 minutes. Internally my goal was to FINISH AND NOT BE LAST…. I had NO clue how long it would take to complete. I was not displeased with my finish time of 46:59. I know that the RUNNING I did at the end… (which left me breathless with a throbbing chest) was the difference with that time. I jogged a bit of the race… not as much as I could have. Now I am sorry I did not push harder.
I wonder if I don’t push myself hard enough. Everyone seems so impressed with my effort but I rarely sweat at the gym and I rarely hurt or feel sore after a workout. Maybe I’m lazy? Maybe I could work harder? Maybe I should? Maybe that’s why I’ve not really lost weight since JUNE 26th!
Is it unrealistic to think that if I’m eating 1700 or so calories a day and burning 2200 calories a day I should be losing right? but NO… I’m not. so what am I doing wrong? being lazy I guess….
I could work harder
I could eat better. Yes yes I could. I could eat fewer carbs. but they taste so yummy and go down so easily…
if i didn’t eat the carbs my calories would be way lower and my ability to learn to deal with real life later on much compromised. If i don’t learn how to eat 7 chips now (pita chips or soy flax chips with protein not plain potato chips for noshing…) later on when I CAN eat the whole bag I just might… As it is I hate limiting myself to 7 chips…
I am not sure I AM learning the habits the doctors say we need to make this work. I am scared I am done. I know if I ate pure protein and veggies and fruits… I’d lose… I would have no choice… but would I live?
How do I want to live? right now I can walk into any store and buy clothes. I look ok in clothes. I look sorta ok naked too… hubby’s pleased… I can do my yoga, I lift weights, I can walk an HOUR with no problem…. I can run a tiny bit… I WANT to run more… I want to move more… I want I want I WANT.
what do I need….
my weight this morning 169… OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE…
my muscles… firm. defined. but not strong. I still struggle to lift things in daily life… could be my knees who knows…
So do I accept that this is it.. this is my life… or do I shake it up… and if I shake it up… how do I shake it up???
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