Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

My first 5k…. and my sadness at my laziness

on July 13, 2010

Sunday July 11, 2010 I was a few months past turning 50 and a few days away from being ten months out from my rebirth of RNY WLS…   The Thursday before I decided to participate in a 5k event.   I didn’t say RUN. I didn’t say RACE.  I said participate in an event… and that’s what I did.

My goal…   verbalized, my goal was to finish in 45 minutes.   Internally my goal was to FINISH AND NOT BE LAST….  I had NO clue how long it would take to complete.  I was not displeased with my finish time of 46:59.  I know that the RUNNING I did at the end… (which left me breathless with a throbbing chest) was the difference with that time.  I jogged a bit of the race… not as much as I could have.  Now I am sorry I did not push harder.

I wonder if I don’t  push myself hard enough.  Everyone seems so impressed with my effort but I rarely sweat at the gym and I rarely hurt or feel sore after a workout.  Maybe I’m lazy?  Maybe I could work harder? Maybe I should? Maybe that’s why I’ve not really lost weight since JUNE 26th!

Is it unrealistic to think that if  I’m eating 1700 or so calories a day and burning 2200 calories a day I should be losing right?  but NO… I’m not.  so what am I doing wrong?    being lazy I guess….

I could work harder

I could eat better.  Yes yes I could. I could eat fewer carbs. but they taste so yummy and go down so easily…

if i didn’t eat the carbs my calories would be way lower and my ability to learn to deal with real life later on much compromised.  If i don’t learn how to eat  7 chips now (pita chips or soy flax chips with protein not plain potato chips for noshing…) later on when I CAN eat the whole bag I just might…   As it is I hate limiting myself to 7 chips…

I am not sure I AM learning the habits the doctors say we need to make this work.  I am scared I am done.  I know if I ate pure protein and veggies and fruits… I’d lose… I would have no choice…  but would I live?

How do I want to live?   right now I can walk into any store and buy clothes.  I look ok in clothes.  I look sorta ok naked too… hubby’s pleased… I can do my yoga, I lift weights, I can walk an HOUR with no problem…. I can run a tiny bit… I WANT to run more…  I want to move more… I want I want I WANT.

what do I need….

my weight this morning 169… OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE…

my muscles… firm. defined.  but not strong. I still struggle to lift things in daily life… could be my knees who knows…

So do I accept that this is it.. this is my life… or do I shake it up… and if I shake it up… how do I shake it up???

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