Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Below Goal….

on December 24, 2010

I NEVER EVER thought those words would apply to me.

What follows are the ramblings of a woman in shock…. for I am BELOW GOAL

It’s been a hellacious week for me… I have a mouth full of canker sores and I can barely eat or drink… there have been serious marital discord issues (and yes to SOME degree they are related to my weight that my husband thinks I’m the hottest thing on the planet and is so afraid i”m going to leave him he’s acting like a fool)….

so I can’t eat much… I’ve been drinking my protein and hot tea and trying to eat what  can….but I keep losing weight…

at 12 months out from surgery I weighed around 160.  I continued to weigh around 160 for the rest of September.  and ALL of October. I mean I got down to 158 here or there or 157.8  for a low early in October but then I would be 162.6 or 163 or back down to 160… so I said I weigh 160.  My doctor’s goal for me  was and is 169.  He does not like us to have lower than a BMI in the overweight range… so I had met my doctor’s goal at a year out easily….

My personal goal… 151. that would have had me losing 102 pounds from the date of surgery.  It seemed like a good weight.   I mean I weighed 145 when I was 21 and getting married and even then I thought I was fat… I’m short so 145 is still technically overweight (by 4 pounds)….. but at 50 I can’t see wanting to be stick thin…. I never was stick thin.  I was never tiny… at least I never considered myself TINY…  I always thought of myself as big bosoms (well they are gone totally now) and big hipped…  GUESS WHAT… I”m not.  I am TINY.. I keep being told I’m tiny.  By my husband,  by my friends who knew me before I had surgery… and by NEW friends who ONLY know me thin… that’s the biggest shock… FOLKS who only know me as thin Nessa see me as TINY…. WOW…

but I digress…  so here I am at about 160… thinking  OK I’m done.  I made an appointment with the plastic surgeon… I see him next week for a consult (no I’m not scheduling surgery just yet… just want an idea of cost and  how much more weight he thinks the panniulectomy would remove and I have a lot of sub-c fat)….  I’m 160  I’ll never see my goal of 151 but THAT’S OK cause I’m healthy.  My blood pressure is normal, my blood sugar is normal.  My cholesterol is NORMAL… I can bend I can move I can shop Anywhere but Lane Bryant…  instead of ONLY at Lane Bryant….  and I’m OK with where I am.  My hubby still has about 30-40 pounds to go to get to goal and he’s struggling so I am not going to whine about 9  pounds… right?

All through November I see 159 or 158 now and then…. I hit a new low of 157.4 on the 27.  I say… oh well I couldn’t eat much due to severe belly pain.  In fact, thanksgiving sucked… I could not eat… I had belly pain for about 4 days…  but since that date I have not seen 160 except for ONE day…  and i keep hanging around 159… done right?

WRONG…   I went to PA for an overnight trip on the 10th of December.   This was a pivotal day for me… I drank.  A LOT…  I was at a friends house and I was not driving and he was OK with the possibility that it would affect me oddly… so after dinner I had 2 large drinks over the course of several hours…   Next morning I got up and drove home feeling good… even stopped for my Starbucks  coffee….

I get home and go to grab a shower and as is my habit I hop on the scale… 154.8  WHAT??  154.8… down 3.2 pounds???   I even logged a note that says  “artificial low after PA trip”….   the next day I’m up but only to 155.4… WHAT???  then I go back up to 156.4 and I’m like… yeah OK I’m going back up to where I should be…. but then NO…. the next day back down to 154.6  A NEW LOW… “WTF?” I ask myself

I haven’t changed anything… I’m not exercising more… if anything I’m skipping yoga and walking now and then… just not fitting in as much as I need it to this time of year… and I keep going…  net day I’m back up 156.4, then 157….. then 156 then 156… then BANG… 152.4   NEW low.
logged as “artificial low after being sick”  I can’t even manage to enjoy this weight loss because I do not feel like I’ve earned it…

anyway I go up the next day and the next day…. then my 15 month surgiversary I weigh 153.4 so I’m down about 7  pounds from where i thought I was done…  and I’m OK with it… I am.  My goal was 151…

the next day… I’m BELOW goal… I’m 150.8… I have no joy.  It’s not earned. or deserved… I’m not following the rules… I eat carbs… I eat sugar.. I eat bread and pasta and chocolate… I’m a bad girl the only reason I’m below goal is that I can’t EAT right now with my mouth full of sores and my belly twisted in knots due to fighting with my hubby….

so yesterday I tried to eat… some chili… some pretzels a couple of cookies… always my protein drink for breakfast…  some soup for dinner… but even if my mouth can tolerate it… from not eating for a few days.. Oscar the pouch is now about 2 oz worth of room… so very little goes in me….

this morning I get on the scale… I weigh 149.6.  my size 10 jeans actually fit the way they should now instead of making a muffin top of my skin…. I see a big difference between 155 and 149…  5 pounds at this size does make a huge difference….I always thought that below 150  I would look too thing… and yes my face is drawn and my collar bones clearly defined… but I’m not too thin… not really… the difference in the skin at 150 vs 155 is noticeable… more skin less sub-c fat… I’m not even sure where this weight is coming off from now… but I’ve lost 7 pounds this week….  not bad for 15 months out and at goal…

so now I’m “below goal”… of course I am now revising the goal…..  I don’t know now what my goal is… but I know that I like where i am right now… so maybe 5 more pounds???

I think I’m becoming a card carrying member of the “how low can you go” club….

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