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Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Formerly Fat Chick.

on January 19, 2011

Ugh… this is a very very very hard post to make.  I don’t update this blog as often as I should but then there is a lot of stuff going on in my life that I don’t really want to put out on the web for all to see…. THIS is important.  This is a painful reminder that no matter what we say… life changes… we change… things change in our brains when we change things with our bodies…

So very hard to write this.. not even sure I want to put it out there for all to see… but I have to.   It’s therapeutic in so many ways and yet painful too…

Hard to put into words… I so thought I would not change when I lost weight…  I was so WRONG….   how could I not know I would change… WHY did I think I would be the same…  well partially because I thought I was OK the way I was.  What I’ve come to see is that I tried very hard NOT to step on toes…  I stuffed my feelings down… I stuffed them down so DEEP I didn’t even know I was stuffing them.

I guess in reality I didn’t KNOW the REAL me…  I’m a mean girl.   I go for the jugular… and I don’t mind admitting that it feels good to hurt someone who is not a true friend…  OMG I had no idea how much I would enjoy it…  I never did that before… Not at 300 pounds…  never.  I thought all the thoughts I’d even put them in words but I never had the guts to put them out there for the world to see.  I guess then I didn’t have the need to rid myself of people that were toxic like I do now.

Why don’t SMO women feel the need to nourish themselves emotionally?  Is it because we feed our faces instead of our hearts?

The problem is… I wrote stuff to ONE person but a bunch of folks read it  (which WAS my intent) and I ended up hurting a bunch of folks I CARE about…  and that doesn’t feel so good.

Neither does the fight I had with ONE of my very best friends which is what triggered all of this.   Now the question is why did I fight with her…   Well I felt stepped on.  and I’m tired of feeling stepped on and being told how to do things.  And I was feeling that she was telling me that my behavior was not something she could cope with and she was asking me to change my behavior…  Maybe she was,  maybe she was not…   What matters is that’s what I felt… like I was being told that  because I behave a certain way, she gets stressed… and my belief was,  “well then remove yourself from the stress”…  she would not… and I could not understand that so I did what I thought was best for both of us… I removed the stress from her. I ended a 7 year friendship…. I told her I was done.  I was a bit of a drama queen about it but that’s me…. and that’s part of the stress….  I thought it best for both of us… she won’t be stressed and I won’t be forced to compromise who I am.

Did not work too well for me….  I really hurt my friend by walking away from her… and her spouse… and that was NEVER my intent…  I hurt my husband… they are his friends too… I hurt other friends we share… I hurt myself…   and it brought me to this point… the point where I have to examine why I did it… what’s changed in me… why I no longer will grin and bear it and why before I thought I was strong and that I was happy and that I was able to take care of my needs and here I am having to admit I was not.  I mean I was strong and I was happy but I was not taking care of myself….  meanwhile we work to patch up the group and go back to loving each other… and it’s happening… I think we are all a bit more fragile now…

I love my friends… I do not care what they look like or how much they weigh… I had to think long and hard about this… I really did. I wondered was I now being that skinny bitch that only wanted skinny friends…  After all, it seems all my new friends are very thin… of course most of them are fairly new post op patients so why wouldn’t they be… and I tried very very hard to see if maybe I was becoming that person…. the person I didn’t want to be… the skinny bitch that no longer would associate with fat people… NOPE I’m not her…  But I got SCARED that I was that girl… that woman I didn’t want to be… the one who JUDGED folks based on size.   I don’t.  But I look at strangers differently now…. NOT my friends… my friends are just that my friends… and I love them…warts and all and they love me.  I don’t see them as fat or thin or black or white or gay or straight… I see them AS PEOPLE…  BUT as I alter my friendships with folks, (“re-establishing boundaries” as a friend of mine pointed out this morning) I can’t help but wonder if they see it as “see now she’s skinny so she doesn’t want to hang around fat people”….    and that’s NOT IT at all… but it sure looks like it at least from the outside looking in and at least to me at first glance…  and I worry  do I have to work doubly hard to not look like the skinny bitch who discriminates against fat folks….  HOW  HARD THIS IS….

I never had to think about it when I was fat.   I was nice to everyone.  I’m still nice to everyone… but things for me have changed…. PEOPLE HOLD DOORS FOR ME NOW….men and women… they didn’t do that when i was 300 pounds…  Men smile at me and talk to me… in public.. out of nowhere… again not done when I was 300 pounds…   NOW ME…

I talk to everyone..  I hold doors for everyone… I SMILE at everyone.  I still feel like that fat chick… so I look at the SMO women and I smile that “we are sisters smile”  only it comes out different now… It comes out as the “skinny bitch making fun of me look”…..  and it’s NOT… I want a sign that says  “formerly FAT CHICK” but since I can’t get one I find myself NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT with FAT people…   this makes me SAD.   That’s not what I want but I can’t bear the stares that tell me I’m no longer part of the club….

And to some extent I miss that club… it was safe… it was known… we knew who belonged with a glance…  I feel sometimes that I am floundering adrift in a sea of humanity…

So what’s changed… let’s go from the bottom up…

my feet:  smaller.. narrower… that alone scares me..

my body:  smaller… fitter under all the flab…. the skin has a mind of it’s own… the skin… oy the skin… it still defines me in my brain as fat… and yet sometimes I move it when I shower and I see that tiny TINY girl under the flab… I marvel at my fitness now… I walked for 45 minutes this morning… I only stopped because I had to go take my yoga class.  Yoga class where I can hold planks and down dogs and bridges… and do pigeons…  Yoga where I am strong and powerful… Yoga that I love…

my brain… ah that is the rub… has my brain changed or just how I deal with it… and what’s the difference….   I so wanted to prove that I could stay the same… and here I am having to admit I did not…

I mean I think I did… I think the same way…  I know that.. but how I act on it has changed…  I think now that I’m small… (see I wanted to say smaller… like I’m not SMALL… but I am a size 10 with 2 sizes worth of SKIN on me… so I’m probably a size 6 after plastic surgery… that’s SMALL)….  but i digress… now that I’m SMALL… I’m  even MORE flirtatious than I was at 300 pounds… and I was a hot flirt then… with anyone that would flirt with me.  Of course the realization is now that the only guys that looked at me were big guys…. or guys who had no sense of themselves… or guys that preferred fat girls (for whatever reason)… and I’ve learned that thin men react differently…. but I’ve been told I am different… more outgoing… I make eye contact..  and I realize it’s true… I SILENTLY  DARE men to flirt with me. This is something I never did at 300 pounds…  I look at them and EXPECT them to smile… and say hello… and they DO…  BUT what I’ve discovered is they do it when I’m NOT inviting it as well…..  a man held the door for me today at work and I didn’t even realize it I was too busy texting my hubby!

I’m not invisible now but I was at 300 pounds whether by design or happenstance I don’t know…  Maybe I would have had more attention had I dressed then the way I do now…

Yes I dress differently now… then I dressed for comfort…  occasionally we got dressed up… but I had to settle for what I could find that fit… and that covered.    Shoes, even dress shoes were FLATS..  pants were elastic waist more often than not… with over blouses to hide the tummy…..  there was no waist to show off… daily.. no make up… make up was for dressy events only….

NOW… heels, slacks or skirts… tucked in fitted shirts.. jackets or sweaters…  and MAKE UP daily and CONTACTS not glasses…   so yeah the wrapping is shiny now… so that’s different… and because that’s different I feel different and because I feel different I ACT different… I don’t THINK differently but I am different.  I’m still Nessa.  I’m not the “new and improved Nessa”  I’m still just me… and I still THINK the same…  but how I respond has changed… and I’m not sure how I feel about that….

Would I have had that fight with my friend if I was still 300 pounds… maybe… would my husband have backed me the way he did… I doubt it. He’s changed too… but I would have FELT the same way…  so what does that say…

oh well enough ranting and raving…


One Response to “Formerly Fat Chick.”

  1. angie says:

    You know I love you no matter what… And as you will find, your real friends will no matter how many fights you have or how much you weight (or don’t weigh!!)

    Just remember one day at a time and we will find you – you are just taking a break on being you!!

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