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Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Still HERE…

I am here! I am busy having a life with Jim…. up and down 95 by train for him or car for me…

Brian is doing well he’s met a lovely young woman with three small children…

my dear dogs… Harley is living with friends… doing well
Hannah has gone to stay with her aunt (Brian’s sister in law) and Jim and I pay dog support for her food and medical care…. I miss them both but Jim is so allergic we had no choice. And boy did he try to make it work!

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The More Things Change…

My life has changed.  A lot.  This Thursday will be two weeks my husband has moved out.  This Saturday will be two weeks that my (step) daughter and her boyfriend and their dog moved out…  So I am alone now.  I think I like it.  It’s a change from the last 7 years of having them in the house… but I can reclaim my space and my life.   And while I am sad at the end of another stage of my life (more guilty than sad I fear) I am thrilled at the new beginnings this offers me.

I think that as much as I love Brian I have to love myself more. I think I have to admit that as much as I loved and needed him I don’t need him now. I don’t need to have my life filled up every second of every day.  Yes a warm body in the bed is nice.  Yes someone to come home to is nice.  Yes being loved and adored and wanted is very nice.  But if the person loving you is sucking the life out of you with neediness is it worth it?

Why did I marry?  

 Well the first time, I was young,  I wanted OUT of my parents house and a good excuse for getting out of school…  I thought I loved him.   We married I was 21.  At 24 I had son #1   At 26 I had son #2.  At 28  I told him  “I want a divorce”.   I had grown tired of being told what a useless person I was.  Bless my parents.  They took care of me and helped me.     I found a job, got a home, had a life.  

The second time…. well ugh I hate to even talk about it….  Mom died in late 1995.  Ex husband had remarried either late the year before or earlier in 1995… I was ALL alone… kids were living with ex most of the time… I was vulnerable.  I was in a bad place in my brain…  I met the second disaster online at some dating site I think… gawd I have blocked so much of his mess in my life out…   He came down, and never left…  in July 1996 I married him.  He didn’t really want to get married but I rather insisted.   It was for lots of reasons… health insurance for him comes to mind mostly… lousy reason to get married.  Tax break for me… another lousy reason…   He never lived with me full time.  He would flit back and forth between Baltimore and Brooklyn and that started happening more and more towards the end. I think we had about THREE good years…  He did horrible things like steal my jewelry and my car.  He lied to me.  He cheated on me… he tried to kill me…   That divorce was final I believe late 2002. 

I met Brian about the same time. Online end of November 2002  We were supposed to be friends… he was “engaged” to a woman online.   WE met in person a week later  December 1, 2002.   He moved in with me  March 2004 and we married December 2004.   We were happy.  He brought his daughter with him and she became mine.  I will always be mom for her if she wants… how could I not…  I love Brian I do. But he does not love himself and my loving him is not enough for both of us…  His pain and suffering kills me.  His lack of self-esteem kills us both.  I want him to be happy, my life has changed.  I was physically TIRED when I  married Brian.   Hauling around 300 pounds is exhausting both physically and mentally.  Getting married made good sense to me… I loved him. I wanted to take care of him and his daughter.   I am a caretaker at heart.  I wanted to be loved.  Who was going to love a 300 pound woman who did NOTHING but sit around the house….  I thought I loved me.  I thought I was happy I thought all was fine.

Then we had the Gastric Bypass surgeries. And while I wanted to pretend I did not and would not change, I have. I’m not tired anymore.  Not Mentally. Not Physically. Not Emotionally.  I have grown and matured.  I realized that love is NOT enough to sustain me.   I need more.  I need someone to question me, to challenge me to balance me, and yes to need me.  But also to FEED me.  Feed me emotionally, feed me mentally, feed me spiritually.  Brian NEEDED me but he could not feed anything but my need to be needed.  I discovered that unconditional love tinged with fear and insecurity is ugly and painful to live with.    I could no longer mirror back to him those feelings.   We deteriorated.  I did not help. I could have stopped feeding my soul with another person but I was afraid of being sucked back down into the muck and mire that was suffocating me.  So I was OPEN about my relationship with him.  I thought that would help. I thought that would make it better.  Brian could not cope.  I tried to explain to him that I could love two men.  He could not accept that.  He left me.  I understand that.  I let him go. I did not stop him. I could have easily stopped him. I could have complied with the ending of my new relationship but I did not.  I chose that relationship over my marriage.

I have spent my entire life settling.   On my weight, my looks, my loves, my house, my car, EVERYTHING…  now this is not to say that I am going to STOP settling, but at least I am more aware of it.

Currently my weight is up about 5 pounds from where i like to be but I have some leeway and I have not yet had plastics… I do have to watch it however…  while they do fix our bellies, they don’t fix our brains.  And my BRAIN wants to self medicate with food.  I am working hard on this.   But it’s hard. I’m scared.   Of life, of love, of living, of getting too thin, of getting fat again.  Of the plastic surgery that looms on my horizon.

I hate that I’m admitting my failure at a THIRD marriage but I am.  How embarrassing this is for me, to admit how badly I screw up relationships.  How bad my choices are.  How I have not learned from my past mistakes.  Will I continue to repeat the same mistakes?

Will I learn from this mistake… probably not.  “Why not?” you may ask… I mean seriously.. THREE failed marriages… how could I be so careless or cavalier…  How could I HURT people like I did?  I hurt Brian.  His family.  His daughter.  She was my daughter for so many years… now she’s gone to me too.  I’ve probably upset  my dad.  

I know our mutual friends are destroyed.  They have no clue what to say or how to act.  Brian and I are trying very very very hard to make sure we all still stay friends.  I hope we can pull this off…  It’s early on so maybe time will soothe all the wounds.

Why do I worry so about others?  Because I love and care about them.  Because I’m embarrassed at my mistakes and failures.   I want to be a good person. I want to take care of folks.  I want to be a role model someone that folks can look at and think  “I wish I was like Nessa”… now they just look at me and shake their heads and have pity for me for being such a screwed up thing….

And I have guilt over the end of this marriage. I admit it.  Brian is not totally to blame. I will not let the sword fall on his neck totally.    Yes there are things that I did to facilitate the end of the marriage.  I attempted to add something to my life that was lacking.   (see below)….. and Brian did not cope well with it.  I can’t blame him and yet at the same time I can.  He told me in August it was ok. He told me in November it was OK.  He kept telling me it was OK even after he would tell me he did not want me to do it.  I TOLD HIM to TELL ME NOT TO DO IT…but he couldn’t or wouldn’t.  And I would not or could not stop.   And honestly,I am not sorry for this.  Brian has left and is involved with a young woman and her family.  I hope she gives him all he needs and wants and he can do the same for her.   

He always, until recently, needed to have OTHER people (read women who wanted him romantically) in his life… and yet once I tried to add someone  he suddenly wanted to go back to a traditional marriage.  This seemed unfair to me.

I married Brian because I loved him. I loved him because he loved and needed me. It was easy.  And at 300 pounds I was TIRED all the time.  Physically TIRED.

WE need to be apart and not married.   Love is NOT enough.   I care about him and want him happy and healthy and well. I wish him no ill will.   I hope in the long run we can ALL be friends.  

And yet I will survive.  I will mature and grow and thrive..  and I doubt I’m done changing…

***********THIS IS BELOW*************

Of course I’m not totally alone… there is “THE BOYFRIEND”     but I will leave that for another post…

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A new day a New beginning

Hi OH HI….  Hello….  HI THERE!   (do you speak dog?  cause that’s how I talk to the pups…)

It’s THURSDAY…. a bright sun-shiny spring day in Baltimore… which is about as good as I can come up with.

Today is LUNCH WITH THE BFF…  that’s how the invite came…   love that girl. have for nearly 20 years…. long before she loved me I knew we would be buds… she’s saved my life a few times in every sense of the word…   I would travel almost anywhere for her…  oh wait, I have….  the ADD tour of the south 2 summers ago was one of my favorite vacations ever.   TEN days in a VAN with her… driving from city to city to get some furniture to her darling daughter in TEXAS….  this trip involved a pilgrimage to GRACELAND… oh and drunk dialing my darling husband from NOLA  but that’s another story for another time…

So there was a blow up at southbeachfriends yesterday.  My fault.  Truly.  I was snarky.   Yes I was.   BUT I really feel that I was snarky BACK.    The key is at least I ADMIT to being a bitch….  an evil SNARKY bitch while those that I snarked at think they did nothing wrong.  How sad for those that live in imaginary worlds where they are wanted.  NO ONE BELONGS WHERE THEY’RE NOT WANTED  (I’ve got that song on right now… What You Didn’t Say) I love Mary Chapin Carpenter and have for years and years and years.   She was my gateway to Country Music.

Who invented the word SNARKY???  it’s such a good word.   Ok I looked it up. It’s a 1906 british slang term from  1866 SNARK…  meaning irritable who knew?   I thought it was an internet thing…  as now it’s used to mean a cranky response… as in  NESSA was SNARKY to  <insert the name of whomever I was snarky to today> when she said <insert my most passive/aggressive mean spirited comment here>.

Sadly for folks  I’m always snarky when I OWN THE SITE and can do so.     What’s really sad is that I’m not even going to the site today.   Not cause I’m afraid to see what was said   who the hell cares what they think.  I’m not going because I’m waiting to calm down enough to just be able to say “WHATEVER” to them.

The truth is there are several people at  SBF that I don’t want there but since I can’t see a reason to remove them other than I don’t like their motives, I can’t justify it.  At least not in my mind.    Not that they don’t think I will remove them.  AND that is the KEY to why they are the way they are.  THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHO  I AM OR WHAT I’M ABOUT.  How sad for them.

I know there are webmasters that rule with an iron fist and it’s my way or the highway… and they seem to think that I’m censoring them.   ummm  NO!  Censoring them would mean I delete their posts and deactivate their accounts.      Some of them are even attempting to  set up ‘reading accounts’  in the fear that I will deactivate them.   I f that’s what they think they need to do, I can understand why I don’t want them there, because they don’t grasp that although I totally disagree with their thought patterns, their beliefs and their motives, I will allow them their delusions and freedom AT THAT SITE.  Yes I will.   Truth be told,  while I OWN it.  it’s not MINE… THIS IS MINE.   I delete users here daily.   I moderate EVERY SINGLE POST here.  and will continue to do so….  Aaron and I are the ONLY moderators here.  But the SBF site,  well  their belief that I censor is just ludicrous.

I know I’m going to have to go to the site soon.  I know i have to deal with this insanity.   Today I do not. Today is send the Critical Patch letter day at work.  Today is not a good day for me to play with whiners.

Today’s health report:

There was no dinner last night there was noshing… half a protein bar, have a protein tidbit, got home had some imitation crab and some bacon horseradish cheddar then ate  pudding, banana strawberries and chopped pecans with whipped cream… oy such a diet…   but there was serious exercise yesterday…half an hour on the arc trainer,  an hour of yoga that left my knee hurting so badly I have an appointment with  the ortho knee guy on Tuesday… probably to ask about a brace since today the knee is feeling much better… yesterday I thought for sure I was going to need surgery. I know i have a misplaced Baker’s Cyst and a partially torn meniscus which may or may not now be totally torn due to use…  SERIOUS use…  Yoga three times a week is really stressing the knee but I need the YOGA so I can walk the rest of the week…. and to keep my brain sane…  I do have some transfer addiction clearly…

I would do a yoga class every morning if they offered it at the gym…

oh the scale this morning:  185.4.   amazing.  it was 189 when i went to bed.  WHY I got on the scale last night I have no idea.   but i did and i expected 187 or so this morning… Yay me!

today:

commute:  click/designer whey/milk/coffee

breakfast:   none

lunch:  applebees with donna

snack:  cheese or protein bar or both half a banana

dinner:  no clue

snack:  dried fruit I”m sure no potty this morning.

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Ramblings, musings, NSVs

Hi All,

having a week of discontent. I think I’m retaining water… so I am guessing a “period” is due soon. I never know.

Ankle has been bothering me but i did Yoga this morning. I did skip body pump and cardio last night. Took Harley to the vet. Dang dog gained 7 pounds and is now 101.4 which means I have to give him for over 100 pounds meds… sadly he’s NOT fat at all so he doesn’t need to lose… and he’s still growing. I’m thinking when all is said and done he’ll top out around 115 or so… not bad but still small for a newf…. he’s really filling out nicely…. he needs grooming BADLY but the vet was $600 this month.. sheesh…

:sadscale: 191.6 this morning. :cry: not that I have to fet much… I had major NSV this morning:

1. a denim skirt i bought last fall and never got around to wearing now fits. nicely. I was thinking it’s a 2x (elastic waist) like the one I am wearing today…. NOPE it’s a LARGE…. and it fits GOOD…. it just is so long… (like the one today… I look like an orthodox Jewish girl today… long denim skirt elbow length high neck shirt…) I’m like the BEFORE shot on WHAT NOT TO WEAR….

2. YOGA even with the bum ankle was AWESOME today. DID NOT fall out of a single pose. Knees to chest now means I can interlace my fingers over my legs instead of just holding the outsides of my legs! Modified Half moon… grabbed that ankle… held the downward dog, transitions are better, smoother, faster, LUNGES deeper… working those quads and hamstrings… oh and PLANK… still modified but just BARELY…. WOO-HOO… I noticed that this week… my strength is improving… my flows are improving.

Today I have to call best buy in 11 minutes and try to figure out this damn microwave installation. it’s pissing me off. it was supposed to be installed LAST saturday… they did not have mounting brackets… then they called last night and said they were coming today. NOPE they called at 8:30 and told brian NO… so now I’m trying to figure this out…

oy vey.

food today:

commute: protein latte with CLICK MOCHA and real coffee YUMMY
work: nothing yet will drink a protein shake later
lunch: going to Super Fresh will make a salad with protein
snack: laughing cow and soy chips
dinner: no clue

just not into food….


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03/01/2010–March Madness

March 1, 2010

Wow it’s MARCH already.  My birthday month.  Yep that’s right I’m going to be FIFTY in 13 days.  Hannah my pup will be 8 in 12 days.    That puts her at about 56 in human years.  I think she and I are at the same point… stiff in the mornings,  not always hearing when we are called,  having to potty more often, and just wanting to lay around and do NOTHING..

Today is a critical weigh day.   It’s the first of the month and it’s a Monday.   double whammy.  and yet my weight decided to be stupid.   I was at 193.8 this past Saturday and today I was up nearly 4 pounds to 197.6.  I know it’s water and poop.. but that does not change things… it makes me want to cry.  It means that my loss for the month of February 2010 was 4.4 pounds.  OUCH.  that’s like NOTHING for someone  5 months out from weight loss surgery.

Oh well,  today is the gym… I’ll feel better after the gym.

But wait there’s more…

NORMAN bless his heart sent me a great new picture.  

isn’t she GREAT?!?!?!

My new addiction.. STEAMPUNK…

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7/6/09

July 6, 2009

7:42 a.m.

Morning all…

well the weekend was great.

we went gaming at  N and As on Friday  and it was fun.  dinner was fun too.   but of course not healthy…. (sorry N….)  chicken fried rice, egg drop soup and pot stickers…

saturday we went to Janet’s Party.  Sarah was there.  it was fun.  Her house is very nice in a lovely part of town.  we stayed much later than expected…  and even brian had fun.

sunday I took Harley and and Hannah to the dog beach.  hannah retrieved for about an hour… harley actually went wading on his own… he’s getting it.  I might go back tonite! it’s a 35 minute drive to get  there so it’s not a quick trip at all…

scale was stupid this morning the first weigh (256.4) seemed excessively low, the I was up one pound, then I was up two pounds…  and then I gave up.  I suck.  I doubt that I will show a loss this week yet again…. Not sure what I’m going to do…


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04/08/09

Good Morning….. well such that it is.  last night I got home, got brian and girl child and we went to see Toby and Michele and Wiley their 13 yr old Corgi.  tonite at 5:15 Wiley goes to the Bridge.  For those that don’t know about Rainbow Bridge  here is the poem.  but be WARNED.. if you have ever lost a pet and you are not made of stone you will cry.  I CRY and I’m a cold hearted Bitch.


Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….


Author unknown…

I am the driver for tonite.  after all Michele took me when I had to put Bagel down in September.  UGH what a horrible thing.  T and M have no children and Wiley is their baby.  My heart breaks for them.  But sadly it’s the natural order of things when we love pets.  they DO NOT LIVE long enough.  and it’s time.  Poor pup’s been in a dog wheelchair for a year…


Anyway Back to my insanity (as if my friends was NOT enough…)  I binged yesterday AND I did not exercise.  AND my stomach is still UPSET AND I have to go get on the scale for the nutrition visit today at the doctors AND I’m betting I’m going to be told that i’m too out of control for the surgery.

I’m sure Brian did not do much better as we’ve both been bad.



I KNOW this surgery is not magic.  I KNOW it can’t fix my head.   I know that I have to learn to just NOT care about food and not want to eat and not put shit in my mouth.   I KNOW this.  And the funny thing is  I LIKE good food.  I also like BAD food.  and I’m lazy.

I admit it.  I admit I want the surgery as soon as possible.   Brian wants it in June.  Ugh.  I could go probably early or mid May and get a jumpstart on him.  Maybe I’ll have to the doctor talk to him about it or the LCSW….  Maybe part of my problem is that I’m ANGRY that he wants/needs to go first and he’s putting it off… and he’s fucking around.

He was told he needs to lose 25 pounds.  he’s doing jack shit about it.

anyway… dinner tonite will be screwed up again.  I have to get control.  soon.

ETA:  brian lost 12 pounds!  I gained 4.  ugh.  but it spurred me on to make a good dinner.

i took toby and chele to the vet for wiley.  toby is very very sad.


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03/27/09

Good Morning!  (Don’t you hear Debbie Donald and GENE?)

I guess I have to fix it when I get home!  NOTE TO SELF: FIX YOUTUBE LINK!


today is going to be spring like.  still a bit damp this morning.  I got to work and signed 6:15.   it’s a long walk from the parking lot to the security building through the guard station, back outside, down the steps throught he double set of doors, past another guard then then through the turnstile.


Scale was UP this morning.  251.4  I MUST get a hold of myself!  I was pretty good yesterday except for lunch.   Today brian said he would get something to eat.  always makes me nervous.


I’m quitting the gym.  it’s 98 dollars a month that i’m NOT using at this point.  I’m walking the link at work and i have some light weights, an exercise bike and a wii fit at home.  I need to save some money!  I think after brian’s surgery and he’s ready we will join as a couple.


Hannah is sick again. I have to call the vet.  there’s another $140 dollars.  Maybe we can try a different CHEAPER antibiotic!   Her last one was $63.00 for 14 pills!  and she didn’t even like them that much.


Bri is going racing tonite… and tomorrow and maybe sunday.  tomorrow night i’m going out with friends…


oh well time to work!


ETA:


Hannah has the vet at 11:15 so I’m leaving work at 10:30 taking BOTH dogs to the vet because I’m afraid to leave Harley alone in the house with no one home.


And goodness who am I turning into?  I’m coming back!

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03/26/09

Still have rumblings of discontent.  So hard to be permanently perfectly happy in life.   Gray overcast and rainy today.   I’m hoping I can update the blog daily but I know as i get healthier and busier that the web will have to fall by the wayside.


Starting to really get into walking on the link with Lew  (HI LEW).  One of my better buddies at work!  Yesterday we did 4 laps (I count it as a mile) and then we did 8 laps later in the day (that’s 2 miles)  I guess I’ll need to add one extra lap with the second walk to make it a full 3 miles…  hopefully eventually I can do 8 laps in the morning and 9 laps in the afternoon and have 4 miles per day.  Makes me think at least for a while I can give up the gym.  Save some money.  I think my contract is over for now.   Even is we give it up 6 months that’s 600 dollars.. big savings.


Today Brian and I visit the Pulmonary Doctor as a step towards being approved for WLS.  A tad nervous but not really.  Just a bit stressed as Brian gets stressed and that stresses me.


I have to leave work at 9 and have no idea when i’ll be back but i guess I’m working till 6 tonite to make up for it.


HUGE:  we are NOT having Chicken for dinner.   LOL.   nope  just beef.  I’m thinking  beef, rice, cheese beans and salsa in a casserole.    Something like this but no tortilla topping just the casserole part:




I am always amazed when folks think I’m a good cook.  I’m not.  not really.


oh well, maybe more later….

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03/24/09

I never ever know what to say in my posts.  I guess that’s going to have to change yes?

What’s this site about?  Well it’s more than a blog.  “but it sure looks like a blog doesn’t it?” you ask.


Well yeah it does,  but that doesn’t make it less than what it is.  It’s a journey.  Not sure yet what it’s a journey to but then the trip should be a blast.

Currently  there  are several things going on in my life.   Running a webiste  for South Beach Dieters.  South Beach Friends Message Board which of course started as an offshoot of a board that we all met on.  We were all following South Beach Diet (me included) and had one of the ongoing  ‘vets are so mean to newbies fights’ and someone said ‘if you all wanna be so mean why not go start your own board?’


So I did! So there!  Of course I never imagined it would turn into a true domain with users finding us on Google! I figured it would be 25 friends whining and bitching about how idiots try to change the diet and then complain when it doesn’t work.


I still feel that way.   that SBD works.  and it works well.  For some people.  For me not so well.  for people like me not so well.


so I’m going to change my life.  but more about that later.


Other  things I have to deal with  Children.  I have 3.  2 boys and a girl.


the boys:


Older Son (OS) is almost 25.  OMG am I really old enough to have a 25 year old child?  WHAT? I’m NOT 18 anymore???  ugh.  OS is a special child.  not just to me.  He currently lives in a group home nearby and is in a special program for adults with emotional problems.


Older Son  2004


Younger Son (YS)  is nearly 23 and graduates from Drexel this coming June. he’s a funny kid.


Daniel Channeling Keanu Reeves


neither of them live with us.


the girl child

and yes we do call her Girl Child.    She is the bonus that came with the husband (more about him later).   Met her dad who was supposed to be fun and games but you know how that goes…    she was 9 then.  now she’s nearly 17!  and she’s a good kid.   A smart kid.  a FUNNY kid.  MY KID.  and I love her.  just like my boys!   I really hate that society thinks you have to physically birth a child to be the parent.


Isn't she lovely


ok enough about the two legged kids… now let’s talk about:


THE FUR BABIES


yes we currently have 2 fur babies.  We have Harley who is a 15 month old Newfoundland (Landseer) and we have Hannah our 7 year old  Pitador.


In February 2002 I got Bagel.  (huh? who? what? I thought this story was about Hannah and Harley?!– well it is but you need to know about Bagel too)



Bagelat about age 2 Hugging Hannah age 10 weeks

Bagel at about age 2 Hugging Hannah age 10 weeks



I got Bagel from the Baltimore SPCA after the Baltimore Humane Society Turned me down. (bless their hearts).   Bagel was  a curmugeon of a dog.  He was never warm and loving and was always very independent.  He did what he wanted and I had semi-control over him.  He was large and black and was clearly part Newfoundland.  He was about 2 years old.  I loved him and he saved me. Because of him I was able to finally get out of a bad marriage that needed ending long before Bagel arrived.  Of course the second disaster said “i’m being replaced by a dog” and I said  “yep” 😛


But I was working long hours and felt Bagel was lonely so I got Hannah.  Oy.  9 weeks old.  Fearless.  my little yellow dog.  Well not mine. Bagel’s.  He picked her out.    While Bagel knew ‘speak’ and ‘down’,  Hannah knew  ‘come’ and ‘stay’  never could get both dogs to do both things.  I’m not a great dog mom.


Fast forward to Summer 2008.  Bagel is not doing well.  I take him to the vet (now remember he’s fat because he has a thyroid condition and a lazy mommy.  He has Lyme Disease.  a BAD case.  A titer over 30 is bad. Bagel’s is over 300.   We give him meds and he gets better.  and then one day, he can’t walk.   Back to the vet we go.  He has a herniated disk in his neck.  We don’t know from what.   A week at the vet on

steroids and he can’t move still.  We make the horrendously painful decision to put him down on September 14, 2008.   <insert horrid sobbing and tears here>.   Hannah is lost.  Brian (the husband I have not yet talked about) is devastated.  I’m sad. yes I am. in fact even now i’m on the verge of tears.   But Bagel is at peace now. Waiting for us at the Rainbow Bridge


well we felt lost so we contacted Donna at Autumn Acres Rescue because I had previously done some transport for her. and asked about a Landseer puppy.  A male.  She happened to have 2.  Dallas and Phoenix.   Brothers.   I could NOT take both.  (which is good because Phoenix is in an awesome home in upstate New York).  I took Dallas.  But we changed his name to Harley.


He was ten months old when we got him that was 5 months ago.  He’s still skittish but he’s doing much much better. and he’s growing.  he was 78 pounds when we got him.  he’s up to 96 pounds and he’s a delight.    Every day in every way it gets better.


Now Brian (again with the husband) wants A MASTIFF.   OY.  we live in a townhouse for goodness sake.   Maybe next year.


The Husband


Met Brian online in an AOL Chat room around Thanksgiving 2002.   Met him at Betty and Jakes Bar about a week later.  He was a player.  and I was ok with that.  it was fun and games ya know.  He’s ELEVEN YEARS younger than I am.  and he’s a doll baby.   Spring 2004 he gave  up the playing ways and moved in with me.   December 31, 2004  we got married:


Nessa and Brian  December 31, 2004


The day was gorgeous 70 degress and sunny on New Years Eve in Maryland.


The party was great.


and now for the rest of the story as this post is getting way too long…

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