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Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

And so it begins…

Today begins the renovation of our home… I was told 3 weeks. I am figuring 4 weeks and I bet it drags on to 6 weeks when all is said and done…

I have so much to talk about… my new engagement ring… (pretty and blingy and over the top but with the parent’s old jewelry used to make the ring (and the wedding band) it means a great deal to me… and everyone is kind and says it’s NOT too much but it just may be… A one carat perfect center stone deep set in platinum with 12 baguettes on the sides (stair stepped down 3 2 1) and then one row of 4 chips one row of 2 chips and one row of one chip) for a total of twenty diamonds in this ring… of course the chips are tiny…. the baguettes are also very small… the chips are so small as to almost be pave’

it’s a European shank of yellow gold (squared bottom) with an inset of pink gold wrapped in white gold.. and the diamonds are in platinum… quite the ring… the matching wedding band is yellow gold with an embedded rose gold ring wrapped in white gold… can’t wait till October 6th 2012 to wear it… (that’s the wedding date)

So I’m taking pictures of the reno at home… it just started today

they started in the two spare bedrooms… sadly that’s where all my makeup and stuff is… oy…. going to be a fun few days this week with my make up packed up and no clothes available…

Day One of The House Reno

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The More Things Change…

My life has changed.  A lot.  This Thursday will be two weeks my husband has moved out.  This Saturday will be two weeks that my (step) daughter and her boyfriend and their dog moved out…  So I am alone now.  I think I like it.  It’s a change from the last 7 years of having them in the house… but I can reclaim my space and my life.   And while I am sad at the end of another stage of my life (more guilty than sad I fear) I am thrilled at the new beginnings this offers me.

I think that as much as I love Brian I have to love myself more. I think I have to admit that as much as I loved and needed him I don’t need him now. I don’t need to have my life filled up every second of every day.  Yes a warm body in the bed is nice.  Yes someone to come home to is nice.  Yes being loved and adored and wanted is very nice.  But if the person loving you is sucking the life out of you with neediness is it worth it?

Why did I marry?  

 Well the first time, I was young,  I wanted OUT of my parents house and a good excuse for getting out of school…  I thought I loved him.   We married I was 21.  At 24 I had son #1   At 26 I had son #2.  At 28  I told him  “I want a divorce”.   I had grown tired of being told what a useless person I was.  Bless my parents.  They took care of me and helped me.     I found a job, got a home, had a life.  

The second time…. well ugh I hate to even talk about it….  Mom died in late 1995.  Ex husband had remarried either late the year before or earlier in 1995… I was ALL alone… kids were living with ex most of the time… I was vulnerable.  I was in a bad place in my brain…  I met the second disaster online at some dating site I think… gawd I have blocked so much of his mess in my life out…   He came down, and never left…  in July 1996 I married him.  He didn’t really want to get married but I rather insisted.   It was for lots of reasons… health insurance for him comes to mind mostly… lousy reason to get married.  Tax break for me… another lousy reason…   He never lived with me full time.  He would flit back and forth between Baltimore and Brooklyn and that started happening more and more towards the end. I think we had about THREE good years…  He did horrible things like steal my jewelry and my car.  He lied to me.  He cheated on me… he tried to kill me…   That divorce was final I believe late 2002. 

I met Brian about the same time. Online end of November 2002  We were supposed to be friends… he was “engaged” to a woman online.   WE met in person a week later  December 1, 2002.   He moved in with me  March 2004 and we married December 2004.   We were happy.  He brought his daughter with him and she became mine.  I will always be mom for her if she wants… how could I not…  I love Brian I do. But he does not love himself and my loving him is not enough for both of us…  His pain and suffering kills me.  His lack of self-esteem kills us both.  I want him to be happy, my life has changed.  I was physically TIRED when I  married Brian.   Hauling around 300 pounds is exhausting both physically and mentally.  Getting married made good sense to me… I loved him. I wanted to take care of him and his daughter.   I am a caretaker at heart.  I wanted to be loved.  Who was going to love a 300 pound woman who did NOTHING but sit around the house….  I thought I loved me.  I thought I was happy I thought all was fine.

Then we had the Gastric Bypass surgeries. And while I wanted to pretend I did not and would not change, I have. I’m not tired anymore.  Not Mentally. Not Physically. Not Emotionally.  I have grown and matured.  I realized that love is NOT enough to sustain me.   I need more.  I need someone to question me, to challenge me to balance me, and yes to need me.  But also to FEED me.  Feed me emotionally, feed me mentally, feed me spiritually.  Brian NEEDED me but he could not feed anything but my need to be needed.  I discovered that unconditional love tinged with fear and insecurity is ugly and painful to live with.    I could no longer mirror back to him those feelings.   We deteriorated.  I did not help. I could have stopped feeding my soul with another person but I was afraid of being sucked back down into the muck and mire that was suffocating me.  So I was OPEN about my relationship with him.  I thought that would help. I thought that would make it better.  Brian could not cope.  I tried to explain to him that I could love two men.  He could not accept that.  He left me.  I understand that.  I let him go. I did not stop him. I could have easily stopped him. I could have complied with the ending of my new relationship but I did not.  I chose that relationship over my marriage.

I have spent my entire life settling.   On my weight, my looks, my loves, my house, my car, EVERYTHING…  now this is not to say that I am going to STOP settling, but at least I am more aware of it.

Currently my weight is up about 5 pounds from where i like to be but I have some leeway and I have not yet had plastics… I do have to watch it however…  while they do fix our bellies, they don’t fix our brains.  And my BRAIN wants to self medicate with food.  I am working hard on this.   But it’s hard. I’m scared.   Of life, of love, of living, of getting too thin, of getting fat again.  Of the plastic surgery that looms on my horizon.

I hate that I’m admitting my failure at a THIRD marriage but I am.  How embarrassing this is for me, to admit how badly I screw up relationships.  How bad my choices are.  How I have not learned from my past mistakes.  Will I continue to repeat the same mistakes?

Will I learn from this mistake… probably not.  “Why not?” you may ask… I mean seriously.. THREE failed marriages… how could I be so careless or cavalier…  How could I HURT people like I did?  I hurt Brian.  His family.  His daughter.  She was my daughter for so many years… now she’s gone to me too.  I’ve probably upset  my dad.  

I know our mutual friends are destroyed.  They have no clue what to say or how to act.  Brian and I are trying very very very hard to make sure we all still stay friends.  I hope we can pull this off…  It’s early on so maybe time will soothe all the wounds.

Why do I worry so about others?  Because I love and care about them.  Because I’m embarrassed at my mistakes and failures.   I want to be a good person. I want to take care of folks.  I want to be a role model someone that folks can look at and think  “I wish I was like Nessa”… now they just look at me and shake their heads and have pity for me for being such a screwed up thing….

And I have guilt over the end of this marriage. I admit it.  Brian is not totally to blame. I will not let the sword fall on his neck totally.    Yes there are things that I did to facilitate the end of the marriage.  I attempted to add something to my life that was lacking.   (see below)….. and Brian did not cope well with it.  I can’t blame him and yet at the same time I can.  He told me in August it was ok. He told me in November it was OK.  He kept telling me it was OK even after he would tell me he did not want me to do it.  I TOLD HIM to TELL ME NOT TO DO IT…but he couldn’t or wouldn’t.  And I would not or could not stop.   And honestly,I am not sorry for this.  Brian has left and is involved with a young woman and her family.  I hope she gives him all he needs and wants and he can do the same for her.   

He always, until recently, needed to have OTHER people (read women who wanted him romantically) in his life… and yet once I tried to add someone  he suddenly wanted to go back to a traditional marriage.  This seemed unfair to me.

I married Brian because I loved him. I loved him because he loved and needed me. It was easy.  And at 300 pounds I was TIRED all the time.  Physically TIRED.

WE need to be apart and not married.   Love is NOT enough.   I care about him and want him happy and healthy and well. I wish him no ill will.   I hope in the long run we can ALL be friends.  

And yet I will survive.  I will mature and grow and thrive..  and I doubt I’m done changing…

***********THIS IS BELOW*************

Of course I’m not totally alone… there is “THE BOYFRIEND”     but I will leave that for another post…

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Rather Random HUMP DAY MUSINGS…

It’s Wednesday… It’s hump day…. it’s the day before my darling husband turns 40… I must go get him a card today as tonight is our celebration… Tomorrow he works half a day and then he’s off to the races… he’s going to February Freeze which is a big remote control car race.   He has gone before but this is the first year he’s really going for the whole time.  He will be gone Thursday through Sunday… it’s good for him… he loves racing his little cars and he loves his friends.

And it’s good for me… I get to go visit a friend too…  and visiting this friend is FUN… I get to be mindless and childish and just relax and kick back and not work too hard at anything other than napping… maybe watching an old movie or two… oh and EATING… JUNK… I eat  and drink whatever I want when I visit friends….

I look forward to these visits.. probably more than I should… it gets me away from my day to day life..  if only for a little while…  usually a 23 hour reprieve.. sounds much like a hospital stay when outpatient is authorized…  this visit is a bit longer… about 48 hours.. I plan to make the most of it…

I should do a bathroom fashion show today but my heart is just not in it.  My pumps.. my favorite black pumps with the black bows… are TOO BIG… most of my shoes are too big… I look like I”m wearing mommy’s shoes.  I am actually going to go at lunch and get new shoes.   And I have to find something to eat for lunch…. and I can be a bit flexible… because well because the scale was below 150 today.

Below 150… it’s magic for me…  I went away for the weekend with hubby… to Lancaster.  It’s my FAVORITE place in the world for so many reasons…one of which is the FOOD… peanut butter covered pretzels.. full fat cottage cheese, apple butter, thick cut bacon, home made ice cream… yummy stuff… but the scale on monday was 153. It was well deserved and I just knew exactly what to do…

I used my tool… I stopped all the mindless munching.. I dropped all the simple carbs and went high protein… and poof two days later I’m down just over 3 pounds…  now I know if I stick to protein and no simple carbs I can drop weight easily… and yes there were times yesterday I was hungry but not overwhelmingly hungry… I could cope… I even ate a bit of bread…  and life is good.

Today I’m a bit more relaxed but still watching it…  I did my walking and my yoga… I feel good.

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RandomNESS but mostly about the kids………

Just feeling like I should post something.

Life has changed in so many ways

Brian is FIVE POUNDS from losing 200 pounds.  He was 282 this morning.. so he wants to go back to the gym.  I think his plan is to come back on the 15th but I plan to go with Matt.  I like working out with him.   He makes me RUN and that feels GOOD and it’s good for me… I don’t lift with him but I bet Bri will and that’s good for both of them!

Brian’s happy

I’m HAPPY

my daughter is happy

and we have Matt now.    he seems happy too!

so where do we go from here?  up and out I guess.

Moving him in to our house might seem weird and strange and unusual and it is even to me… BUT we seem to be finding our way as a non-traditional family.  He loves my daughter. My daughter loves him.  May they live long and love long… and stay happy….   Brian and I while stressing do like having him in our home.

And living the way we do, while suspect and odd, works for us.

and we are eating great.  THIS KID CAN COOK and he works hard to learn to make healthy stuff!

and the house is clean

and the best thing.. my daughter smiles and laughs… and she’s growing and maturing daily.

It’s on my mind a lot that they are playing house under our very noses and we not only indulge it we encourage it.  But it seems to be working…

where do we go from here?  I do not know…one day at a time…

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Don’t call me skinny…..

I have several topics today, so which do you want first my knee, yoga, my lovely potty issues or the hubby and his stress over my becoming a ‘skinny bitch’….  (have I mentioned that I Hate that term…. not bitch but SKINNY)  I am NOT a SKINNY bitch.  a BITCH yes but NOT skinny…

Let’s do potty first since it’s a drive by… WHY does my body NOT cooperate and potty at the time of my choosing?  WHY must we do it at the MOST inconvenient times. and why does it take so damn long?  I hate potty at work… PEE is fine… POTTY at work is just adding insult to injury.   Ok enough whining about potty… which BTW requires  DAILY:

enough fluids  (over 64 ounces of clear fluids)

2 colace

4 magnesium oxide

1 serving of beneifiber powder

a half a cup of fiber rich dried fruit from trader joes

exercise

some decent amount of fat… avocado, guacamole, gravy

See while simple it’s still complex…..

Oh well enough of potty…

My knee… my left knee is severely compromised.  oh hell my whole left leg is compromised I”m blind in one eye, i have a bad right flank (the piraformis) and I’m lame in my left leg… If I was a horse they would have shot me years ago…  Yesterday I went to see my favorite orthopedist.. Ian Weiner… Love that man. he’s a trip…

First of all he recognized my voice but NOT me… he had not seen me since before surgery… WOW… cool too…

then we checked the knee… swollen, painful, and it CLICKS…. so we did a four view Xray series and then he said  “let’s inject it with cortisone unless you WANT me to scope you…”    I did have an MRI of the knee in 2008 and we KNOW it has a medial meniscus tear and a misplaced popliteal cyst WITH debris so probably EVENTUALLY I will need surgery… but this buys me at least 6 weeks if not longer..

So I got up this morning and potty was not happening (my body decides when now ugh) and I went to yoga…. yummy YOGA..I can so see improvement in my practice now… my moves, my strength, my flexibility, my breathing… the only real pain i had today was the priaformis on the right side… and a bit of knee pain in the squatting poses…  I think I will cry if i have to give up yoga for any period of time… it’s what keeps me getting out of bed with minimal pain.  NOTE I did not say NO PAIN….just MINIMAL pain…  At fifty I think I”m not going to be pain free… not on my salary…  I would need daily massages  and working with the trainer to work this kink out… even PT is expensive… a 20 dollar copay per visit.. ugh.

FINALLY I want to talk relationships… my husband is a dear man and I love him madly.  He’s lost 34% of his body weight compared to my 27%  (neither is anything to sneeze at) and he’s losing very very slowly now…  OTOH my body is changing rapidly… his is changing I can see it… but the scale is not moving for him… he’s getting frustrated and feels like a failure… he’s so NOT a failure,  he’s doing great.. EXERCISE is not what he wants… it’s what he needs… and it’s not making him happy and I don’t blame him.  we have to find what he likes… for me I clicked with YOGA…  maybe too much…he won’t swim and he can’t do much walking… how frustrating for him…  he’s 14 pounds from TWOTERVILLE and I hurt for him…  I want him to be happy…

oh well… off to work…

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02/26/10- A Snowy Friday’s Thoughts..

Good Morning!

up at 5 am and it’s SNOWING in Baltimore.   and BLOWING… oy the wind is really bad.  I don’t mind snowing but I HATE blowing.. I hate WIND… hate it hate it hate it.

Well anyway I was up, i folded a few items of clothing and helped brian get going this morning.  he’s frustrated he’s up two pounds. I told him it’s water weight and he’s stressed and retaining water from his injuries but  he doesn’t believe me.   I wish I could make Brian love Brian.  I wish there was a magic pill.  There is not, sadly.

Anyway, after Bri left for work, I grabbed a quick shower and hit the GYM.  I did 30 minutes on the Arc Trainer at Strength level 4 which is a tough workout for me… then I took Tammie’s 7 am yoga class.  I did not feel like I was doing so great in the class… I fell out of postures and needed to break 2 times during the class.  but I know I’m better than I was 6 months ago…

I managed to get to work by 8:30 which is great.  I will hopefully have lunch with Angie today.  NOT sure where we are going yet..

Did I mention that I signed us up for the STEAMPUNK WORLD’S FAIR in Piscataway NJ in May?  Brian and I are going for the weekend…  Steampunk is my new passion…   not sure what I am going to do with it yet as I’m just into the fashion and form part of it at this point.  Seems rather shallow of me.

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03/25/09

I am really not sure I like that most recent posts go on the top.  I mean how do you know where the beginning is?  It just makes no sense to me.  Especially for folks new to the blog.  I mean how do they catch up?  And this whole reading from TOP to Bottom thing… UGH.  HATE IT!


I’m feeling a tad overwhelmed this morning.  Brian missed an appointment I forgot to remind him about.  It was for the Venous Doppler on his legs.  Oy. I feel so bad. I have to reschedule now.  I also noticed I do not have Cardio scheduled.  Ugh.  What a pain.


In a way I am NOT happy we are using St. Agnes.  It’s really outside of MY COMFORT Zone.   So many times I defer my comfort for Brian’s.  My fiscal comfort, my physical comfort, my emotional comfort.   I mean really if I really did what I wanted to do, we’d have  fewer cable channels (we have EVERY PREMIUM channel there is except the premium sports channels), we’d have the heat on lower, the ac on less,  And various other things.  If I did what I wanted to do, I’d be having Surgery ASAP instead of deferring to let him go first at a time convenient for him.  He wants to go first because he’s afraid if he sees how sick I’m going to be right after surgery he won’t have it.  He’s a big huge baby.


I am really hoping that after the surgery so many things will change for him.  Including his self-esteem.   I know he’s already talking about a different job.    He’s so smart.  He could do so many things if he only loved himself more.


Oh well.   Still so very cold here.  I wish Spring would hurry up.


House news: the new table will be here NEXT FRIDAY APRIL 3rd.  Just figuring out how to take the morning off at home.  I normally attend via phone a meeting on Friday mornings.  Maybe I can do it from the house.  The grill was not working well last night.   Brian thinks we are low on propane. I have to find a place to fill tanks that charges by the pound not the tank.


Dogs: Harley is growing in so many ways.  For sure he’s getting taller.  Now he goes out for Girl Child AND he’s getting chummy with Brian.  (finally).  I told him it would take Six months.  When will he learn to listen to me.

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