Wow it’s been a long long time since I updated. I keep meaning to but I don’t. I guess I’m becoming more private…

So the plastic surgery went well… Jim took very very good care of me.. the first few weeks down in Baltimore then we went up to his place in PA… and I had minimal appetie… and I was losing weight. I was down 5 pounds of skin… my boobs.. cute perky things.. 36B or 34C depending on the bra…. my pants went from size 10 to size 6

I was healing nicely… feeling great… we went on vacation and I ended up in the hospital with a perforated ulcer (and lost 10 more pounds (I’m up about 3 now)…. wow… what a wild ride this summer has been.

Yes I’m going to have more surgery on Thursday. Only this time I am SCARED TO DEATH. Thursday I go to St. Agnes Hospital and I see Dr.G. Thomas Grace for a full “tummy tuck” (Abdominoplasty) and a mastopexy or BOOB LIFT… no implants at this point just a lift but Dr. Grace seems to think I”ll be happy with the results. I may be… he may be… but Jim… well he may not be. Of course I’ll still be flat on top so implants may be needed to make the girls fluffy pillows.. but with implants they will be. Dr. Grace says it’s the bra that makes the cleavage but I am not sure that’s going to be enough for me. Oh well time will tell… I will live with them for a bit and see how it goes…

I was not half this scared when I had the gastric bypass in September 2009. I cannot believe it’s almost two years since I had that surgery… it seems like yesterday….

My weight this morning was high for me now… 151.2 I have been as low as 145. The morning of surgery I was 256… that’s about 30 pounds down from my heaviest…. so I’ve lost about 135 pounds. THAT’S about what I’ll weigh when all the plastic surgery is done. I’ve lost ME…. wow.

I’ve also FOUND me… my life has changed so much… my marriage died…. my life changed with the addition of Jim as my partner… I’m now doing an age gap relationship where calling me a cougar seems appropriate… Jim is 38 to my 51 and there are days I feel so old… I’m also doing a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) and it’s HARD. I want to be with Jim full time… and being apart is HARD for both of us…. I really like being a girl… you know feminine and girly… I never really did that in the past… Jim, while not demanding these changes in my life… encourages them, relishes them, supports them (both emotionally physically and financially)…. and he enables me to find the person I am enjoying becoming….

So what has changed for me now…

I dress differently..no more comfy clothes… now it’s skirts and skinny jeans… and SHOES… oy SHOES… i used to only wear comfy flats… now it’s heels almost all the time… even my running around shoes have a 1 inch heel…. that’s about as flat as I get now… nothing much that’s elastic waist… Dresses… form fitting, no A line stuff for me… and it’s true clothes make the (wo)man… I feel differently about myself when I dress up…. it’s a good thing.

My hair… long and curly is no more.. now it’s short and straight… (and yes I like it better this way, makes me look more mature and yet younger… and the color…no longer a Lucille Ball red… now it’s more of a dark auburn… almost a brown with red…. I may go a bit darker still….

Jewelry is plentiful. There are bracelets that Jim has bought me.. my beautiful collar/locket that we had engraved and altered to reflect our life together…. I never liked things around my neck before I lost weight… now I feel naked without my beautiful collar… (and yes it’s a collar that indicates that Jim and I are in a committed relationship, some women wear rings… I have my collar… Jim wears a beautiful ring that I got him… I like that we want traditional things like a committed relationship but wish to symbolize it with non-traditional things…. he also wears his bracelet that I had engraved with KEEPER on it… For he is A keeper… and he is MY KEEPER…. and he takes care of me….

I love this picture… it defines how safe I feel with Jim…. and how Happy I am… I hate that I think I look old and my belly looks like I’m pregnant… I love how happy he looks with me all “critterfied” on him… He’s just such a delight to snuggle into…

Jim makes me feel pretty and sexy and desireable… odd considering that when we started this it was fun and games and I was not his type and not attractive to him….he was like he said “a single guy who was not going to turn down NSA sex” Amazing what love can do for a person… now I’m beautiful…. and he wants me… HOW the hell did I get here with him?

Anyway, I am doing the 95 trek after work to go get him… Hopefully I will be there by 6… I have to drive during rush hour…and he is being very kind and dealing with his dislike of my house and staying with me… He makes a lot of sacrifices for me… and I appreciate it.

Hopefully this summer of pain and stress will be worth it….

I am self-destructive.  I am not a grown up. I would like to pretend I am a grown up but I’m not.   Why when something good happens to me do I try to break it?   Why do I get so afraid to be happy and sane and safe and healthy?  Why am I afraid to not be the one in charge???

omg the above statement was made as a draft way back in march! it’s so so so so very true. I had a great thing… and I broke it. and I’m crazy and I deserve to be in pain… at least that’s how my warped brain is dealing with losing Jim.

Lost another Monday

but today is worse. I feel like ca-ca.  I have yet ANOTHER cold…  this is like my fourth cold this winter… why I am so sick this winter i have no idea.  I think I got this one either from my team lead or a co-worker or maybe Brian… ugh… I know I’ shared it with Jim and Daniel.

I came in and did my letter for work and i want nothing more than to go  home and go to bed… ugh.

but I am toughing it out as best as I can….

Not going to make a long story short here so settle down for the long haul.

I will skip all the stuff about how I’ve known Jim since August 2009… WE first had some serious interaction in August 2010 at a gaming convention.   I’m an outrageous flirt… and with my then-husband’s permission I was rather assertive in my desires of Jim.   Jim even questioned him as to whether or not I was “permitted” this dalliance and was told I was…  Sadly nothing came of it back in August.

Fast forward to the beginning of November 2010 at yet ANOTHER gaming con…. I ramped up the flirting to OVER the TOP… I even posted in private that I was so  over the top that I probably got myself in trouble with “flirty guy” as I referred to him then and there…  He actually sent me a text asking to talk to me… I tossed and turned all night thinking he was going to “slap my hand’ and tell me how inappropriate I was; but no, the truth was, I was OUT there enough to FINALLY CATCH his attention.. and I’m rather glad I did.

So in the beginning of November we decided to start this “relationship”.  I was NOT cheating or lying as my husband knew I was spending time with Jim.  What I did not share was how deeply my feelings for this man were growing on a daily basis. I NEVER meant to care for him the way I do… nor did I ever expect him to care about me back… but we do.  And here we sit.

WE started out slowly  A short visit in early December.. then nothing for four weeks…  a visit in early January showed that we continued to enjoy being together.    That one lasted a bit longer but still not even 24 hours.  Then came the “command performance” as I call it.  A visit two weeks later on January 22nd still only a 23 hour stay… but this visit was pivotal for me.  This was the visit where I realized just how important this man was becoming to me…  and it scared me.    I SHOULD have run then.  But I could not.  or would not is more accurate.

WE made the conscious choice to pursue a relationship.  IT was NOT the reason my marriage broke up. It was a catalyst towards the end of something that should be over.   Being with Jim has given me the strength and courage to do what I needed to do.. NOT stop Brian when he walked out this last time.

WE had another visit in February  our first full weekend.. two nights… Friday-Sunday and I loved it so much I did it again the NEXT weekend…  and by then I was done for.  HOOKED.

We talked and I realized what was going on for me and I expressed my desire to see him more than once a month.  We have currently settled on every other weekend but I do not know how long that will last..  there are days it’s all I can do to NOT get in the car and make the 2 hour trek….

My husband moved out and we just ran full speed ahead into trying to see what we have.   And yes I’m glad we are trying this on to see how it fits.   It’s NOT easy.  Long distance relationships are HARD.  We are both suffering from severe lack of sleep on a regular basis.  My car knows the route so well I don’t even have to pay attention much. I have the trip up 95 down to a science.  1 hour 15 minutes to the Delaware Welcome Center (DWC) which puts me 45 minutes from Jim’s front door.   Baring traffic of course.  The Delaware Toll Plaza is the bane of my existence.  I hope the construction is done soon…. it’s so bad I’m getting an EZ Pass again..

While we live 2 freaking hours apart (and that’s killing me more and more)… We are in agreement that we are a couple now.   Jim makes me smile.  He pushes me to be the best person I can be and yet nurtures me when I need to be coddled and babied.   He is independent enough to take care of himself and yet lets (and needs)  me  (to) take care of  him JUST enough…

I have no idea where we will go. I have no idea how long we will walk towards that goal.  I do know that adding a new partner to my life when my old partner is still in the picture was harder than I ever imagined.  Lots of tears were shed.  Feelings hurt, hearts broken.   Friends lost and confused by this don’t know what to say or who to say it to.   AND it’s compounded by the fact that  MY friends are folks that KNOW Jim…

But now that it’s just the two of us… and I can be open about it… I want to shout to the world that this man is mine. And I am his.

It’s COMPLICATED does NOT begin to describe my life now…

It’s Wednesday… It’s hump day…. it’s the day before my darling husband turns 40… I must go get him a card today as tonight is our celebration… Tomorrow he works half a day and then he’s off to the races… he’s going to February Freeze which is a big remote control car race.   He has gone before but this is the first year he’s really going for the whole time.  He will be gone Thursday through Sunday… it’s good for him… he loves racing his little cars and he loves his friends.

And it’s good for me… I get to go visit a friend too…  and visiting this friend is FUN… I get to be mindless and childish and just relax and kick back and not work too hard at anything other than napping… maybe watching an old movie or two… oh and EATING… JUNK… I eat  and drink whatever I want when I visit friends….

I look forward to these visits.. probably more than I should… it gets me away from my day to day life..  if only for a little while…  usually a 23 hour reprieve.. sounds much like a hospital stay when outpatient is authorized…  this visit is a bit longer… about 48 hours.. I plan to make the most of it…

I should do a bathroom fashion show today but my heart is just not in it.  My pumps.. my favorite black pumps with the black bows… are TOO BIG… most of my shoes are too big… I look like I”m wearing mommy’s shoes.  I am actually going to go at lunch and get new shoes.   And I have to find something to eat for lunch…. and I can be a bit flexible… because well because the scale was below 150 today.

Below 150… it’s magic for me…  I went away for the weekend with hubby… to Lancaster.  It’s my FAVORITE place in the world for so many reasons…one of which is the FOOD… peanut butter covered pretzels.. full fat cottage cheese, apple butter, thick cut bacon, home made ice cream… yummy stuff… but the scale on monday was 153. It was well deserved and I just knew exactly what to do…

I used my tool… I stopped all the mindless munching.. I dropped all the simple carbs and went high protein… and poof two days later I’m down just over 3 pounds…  now I know if I stick to protein and no simple carbs I can drop weight easily… and yes there were times yesterday I was hungry but not overwhelmingly hungry… I could cope… I even ate a bit of bread…  and life is good.

Today I’m a bit more relaxed but still watching it…  I did my walking and my yoga… I feel good.

as requested by a dear friend I have put up a comparison of me at my heaviest and where I am now…

ok I put it up but gave no info

red outfit probably spring 2004 or so… I must have been around 300 pounds I don’t remember.

the after shot.. friday night before going out with hubby  HALF of the woman in the other picture…

Ugh… this is a very very very hard post to make.  I don’t update this blog as often as I should but then there is a lot of stuff going on in my life that I don’t really want to put out on the web for all to see…. THIS is important.  This is a painful reminder that no matter what we say… life changes… we change… things change in our brains when we change things with our bodies…

So very hard to write this.. not even sure I want to put it out there for all to see… but I have to.   It’s therapeutic in so many ways and yet painful too…

Hard to put into words… I so thought I would not change when I lost weight…  I was so WRONG….   how could I not know I would change… WHY did I think I would be the same…  well partially because I thought I was OK the way I was.  What I’ve come to see is that I tried very hard NOT to step on toes…  I stuffed my feelings down… I stuffed them down so DEEP I didn’t even know I was stuffing them.

I guess in reality I didn’t KNOW the REAL me…  I’m a mean girl.   I go for the jugular… and I don’t mind admitting that it feels good to hurt someone who is not a true friend…  OMG I had no idea how much I would enjoy it…  I never did that before… Not at 300 pounds…  never.  I thought all the thoughts I’d even put them in words but I never had the guts to put them out there for the world to see.  I guess then I didn’t have the need to rid myself of people that were toxic like I do now.

Why don’t SMO women feel the need to nourish themselves emotionally?  Is it because we feed our faces instead of our hearts?

The problem is… I wrote stuff to ONE person but a bunch of folks read it  (which WAS my intent) and I ended up hurting a bunch of folks I CARE about…  and that doesn’t feel so good.

Neither does the fight I had with ONE of my very best friends which is what triggered all of this.   Now the question is why did I fight with her…   Well I felt stepped on.  and I’m tired of feeling stepped on and being told how to do things.  And I was feeling that she was telling me that my behavior was not something she could cope with and she was asking me to change my behavior…  Maybe she was,  maybe she was not…   What matters is that’s what I felt… like I was being told that  because I behave a certain way, she gets stressed… and my belief was,  “well then remove yourself from the stress”…  she would not… and I could not understand that so I did what I thought was best for both of us… I removed the stress from her. I ended a 7 year friendship…. I told her I was done.  I was a bit of a drama queen about it but that’s me…. and that’s part of the stress….  I thought it best for both of us… she won’t be stressed and I won’t be forced to compromise who I am.

Did not work too well for me….  I really hurt my friend by walking away from her… and her spouse… and that was NEVER my intent…  I hurt my husband… they are his friends too… I hurt other friends we share… I hurt myself…   and it brought me to this point… the point where I have to examine why I did it… what’s changed in me… why I no longer will grin and bear it and why before I thought I was strong and that I was happy and that I was able to take care of my needs and here I am having to admit I was not.  I mean I was strong and I was happy but I was not taking care of myself….  meanwhile we work to patch up the group and go back to loving each other… and it’s happening… I think we are all a bit more fragile now…

I love my friends… I do not care what they look like or how much they weigh… I had to think long and hard about this… I really did. I wondered was I now being that skinny bitch that only wanted skinny friends…  After all, it seems all my new friends are very thin… of course most of them are fairly new post op patients so why wouldn’t they be… and I tried very very hard to see if maybe I was becoming that person…. the person I didn’t want to be… the skinny bitch that no longer would associate with fat people… NOPE I’m not her…  But I got SCARED that I was that girl… that woman I didn’t want to be… the one who JUDGED folks based on size.   I don’t.  But I look at strangers differently now…. NOT my friends… my friends are just that my friends… and I love them…warts and all and they love me.  I don’t see them as fat or thin or black or white or gay or straight… I see them AS PEOPLE…  BUT as I alter my friendships with folks, (“re-establishing boundaries” as a friend of mine pointed out this morning) I can’t help but wonder if they see it as “see now she’s skinny so she doesn’t want to hang around fat people”….    and that’s NOT IT at all… but it sure looks like it at least from the outside looking in and at least to me at first glance…  and I worry  do I have to work doubly hard to not look like the skinny bitch who discriminates against fat folks….  HOW  HARD THIS IS….

I never had to think about it when I was fat.   I was nice to everyone.  I’m still nice to everyone… but things for me have changed…. PEOPLE HOLD DOORS FOR ME NOW….men and women… they didn’t do that when i was 300 pounds…  Men smile at me and talk to me… in public.. out of nowhere… again not done when I was 300 pounds…   NOW ME…

I talk to everyone..  I hold doors for everyone… I SMILE at everyone.  I still feel like that fat chick… so I look at the SMO women and I smile that “we are sisters smile”  only it comes out different now… It comes out as the “skinny bitch making fun of me look”…..  and it’s NOT… I want a sign that says  “formerly FAT CHICK” but since I can’t get one I find myself NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT with FAT people…   this makes me SAD.   That’s not what I want but I can’t bear the stares that tell me I’m no longer part of the club….

And to some extent I miss that club… it was safe… it was known… we knew who belonged with a glance…  I feel sometimes that I am floundering adrift in a sea of humanity…

So what’s changed… let’s go from the bottom up…

my feet:  smaller.. narrower… that alone scares me..

my body:  smaller… fitter under all the flab…. the skin has a mind of it’s own… the skin… oy the skin… it still defines me in my brain as fat… and yet sometimes I move it when I shower and I see that tiny TINY girl under the flab… I marvel at my fitness now… I walked for 45 minutes this morning… I only stopped because I had to go take my yoga class.  Yoga class where I can hold planks and down dogs and bridges… and do pigeons…  Yoga where I am strong and powerful… Yoga that I love…

my brain… ah that is the rub… has my brain changed or just how I deal with it… and what’s the difference….   I so wanted to prove that I could stay the same… and here I am having to admit I did not…

I mean I think I did… I think the same way…  I know that.. but how I act on it has changed…  I think now that I’m small… (see I wanted to say smaller… like I’m not SMALL… but I am a size 10 with 2 sizes worth of SKIN on me… so I’m probably a size 6 after plastic surgery… that’s SMALL)….  but i digress… now that I’m SMALL… I’m  even MORE flirtatious than I was at 300 pounds… and I was a hot flirt then… with anyone that would flirt with me.  Of course the realization is now that the only guys that looked at me were big guys…. or guys who had no sense of themselves… or guys that preferred fat girls (for whatever reason)… and I’ve learned that thin men react differently…. but I’ve been told I am different… more outgoing… I make eye contact..  and I realize it’s true… I SILENTLY  DARE men to flirt with me. This is something I never did at 300 pounds…  I look at them and EXPECT them to smile… and say hello… and they DO…  BUT what I’ve discovered is they do it when I’m NOT inviting it as well…..  a man held the door for me today at work and I didn’t even realize it I was too busy texting my hubby!

I’m not invisible now but I was at 300 pounds whether by design or happenstance I don’t know…  Maybe I would have had more attention had I dressed then the way I do now…

Yes I dress differently now… then I dressed for comfort…  occasionally we got dressed up… but I had to settle for what I could find that fit… and that covered.    Shoes, even dress shoes were FLATS..  pants were elastic waist more often than not… with over blouses to hide the tummy…..  there was no waist to show off… daily.. no make up… make up was for dressy events only….

NOW… heels, slacks or skirts… tucked in fitted shirts.. jackets or sweaters…  and MAKE UP daily and CONTACTS not glasses…   so yeah the wrapping is shiny now… so that’s different… and because that’s different I feel different and because I feel different I ACT different… I don’t THINK differently but I am different.  I’m still Nessa.  I’m not the “new and improved Nessa”  I’m still just me… and I still THINK the same…  but how I respond has changed… and I’m not sure how I feel about that….

Would I have had that fight with my friend if I was still 300 pounds… maybe… would my husband have backed me the way he did… I doubt it. He’s changed too… but I would have FELT the same way…  so what does that say…

oh well enough ranting and raving…

I NEVER EVER thought those words would apply to me.

What follows are the ramblings of a woman in shock…. for I am BELOW GOAL

It’s been a hellacious week for me… I have a mouth full of canker sores and I can barely eat or drink… there have been serious marital discord issues (and yes to SOME degree they are related to my weight loss..in that my husband thinks I’m the hottest thing on the planet and is so afraid i”m going to leave him he’s acting like a fool)….

so I can’t eat much… I’ve been drinking my protein and hot tea and trying to eat what  can….but I keep losing weight…

at 12 months out from surgery I weighed around 160.  I continued to weigh around 160 for the rest of September.  and ALL of October. I mean I got down to 158 here or there or 157.8  for a low early in October but then I would be 162.6 or 163 or back down to 160… so I said I weigh 160.  My doctor’s goal for me  was and is 169.  He does not like us to have lower than a BMI in the overweight range… so I had met my doctor’s goal at a year out easily….

My personal goal… 151. that would have had me losing 102 pounds from the date of surgery.  It seemed like a good weight.   I mean I weighed 145 when I was 21 and getting married and even then I thought I was fat… I’m short so 145 is still technically overweight (by 4 pounds)….. but at 50 I can’t see wanting to be stick thin…. I never was stick thin.  I was never tiny… at least I never considered myself TINY…  I always thought of myself as big bosoms (well they are gone totally now) and big hipped…  GUESS WHAT… I”m not.  I am TINY.. I keep being told I’m tiny.  By my husband,  by my friends who knew me before I had surgery… and by NEW friends who ONLY know me thin… that’s the biggest shock… FOLKS who only know me as thin Nessa see me as TINY…. WOW…

but I digress…  so here I am at about 160… thinking  OK I’m done.  I made an appointment with the plastic surgeon… I see him next week for a consult (no I’m not scheduling surgery just yet… just want an idea of cost and  how much more weight he thinks the panniulectomy would remove and I have a lot of sub-c fat)….  I’m 160  I’ll never see my goal of 151 but THAT’S OK cause I’m healthy.  My blood pressure is normal, my blood sugar is normal.  My cholesterol is NORMAL… I can bend I can move I can shop Anywhere but Lane Bryant…  instead of ONLY at Lane Bryant….  and I’m OK with where I am.  My hubby still has about 30-40 pounds to go to get to goal and he’s struggling so I am not going to whine about 9  pounds… right?

All through November I see 159 or 158 now and then…. I hit a new low of 157.4 on the 27.  I say… oh well I couldn’t eat much due to severe belly pain.  In fact, thanksgiving sucked… I could not eat… I had belly pain for about 4 days…  but since that date I have not seen 160 except for ONE day…  and i keep hanging around 159… done right?

WRONG…   I went to PA for an overnight trip on the 10th of December.   This was a pivotal day for me… I drank.  A LOT…  I was at a friends house and I was not driving and he was OK with the possibility that it would affect me oddly… so after dinner I had 2 large drinks over the course of several hours…   Next morning I got up and drove home feeling good… even stopped for my Starbucks  coffee….

I get home and go to grab a shower and as is my habit I hop on the scale… 154.8  WHAT??  154.8… down 3.2 pounds???   I even logged a note that says  “artificial low after PA trip”….   the next day I’m up but only to 155.4… WHAT???  then I go back up to 156.4 and I’m like… yeah OK I’m going back up to where I should be…. but then NO…. the next day back down to 154.6  A NEW LOW… “WTF?” I ask myself

I haven’t changed anything… I’m not exercising more… if anything I’m skipping yoga and walking now and then… just not fitting in as much as I need it to this time of year… and I keep going…  net day I’m back up 156.4, then 157….. then 156 then 156… then BANG… 152.4   NEW low.
logged as “artificial low after being sick”  I can’t even manage to enjoy this weight loss because I do not feel like I’ve earned it…

anyway I go up the next day and the next day…. then my 15 month surgiversary I weigh 153.4 so I’m down about 7  pounds from where i thought I was done…  and I’m OK with it… I am.  My goal was 151…

the next day… I’m BELOW goal… I’m 150.8… I have no joy.  It’s not earned. or deserved… I’m not following the rules… I eat carbs… I eat sugar.. I eat bread and pasta and chocolate… I’m a bad girl the only reason I’m below goal is that I can’t EAT right now with my mouth full of sores and my belly twisted in knots due to fighting with my hubby….

so yesterday I tried to eat… some chili… some pretzels a couple of cookies… always my protein drink for breakfast…  some soup for dinner… but even if my mouth can tolerate it… from not eating for a few days.. Oscar the pouch is now about 2 oz worth of room… so very little goes in me….

this morning I get on the scale… I weigh 149.6.  my size 10 jeans actually fit the way they should now instead of making a muffin top of my skin…. I see a big difference between 155 and 149…  5 pounds at this size does make a huge difference….I always thought that below 150  I would look too thing… and yes my face is drawn and my collar bones clearly defined… but I’m not too thin… not really… the difference in the skin at 150 vs 155 is noticeable… more skin less sub-c fat… I’m not even sure where this weight is coming off from now… but I’ve lost 7 pounds this week….  not bad for 15 months out and at goal…

so now I’m “below goal”… of course I am now revising the goal…..  I don’t know now what my goal is… but I know that I like where i am right now… so maybe 5 more pounds???

I think I’m becoming a card carrying member of the “how low can you go” club….