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Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Below Goal….

I NEVER EVER thought those words would apply to me.

What follows are the ramblings of a woman in shock…. for I am BELOW GOAL

It’s been a hellacious week for me… I have a mouth full of canker sores and I can barely eat or drink… there have been serious marital discord issues (and yes to SOME degree they are related to my weight loss..in that my husband thinks I’m the hottest thing on the planet and is so afraid i”m going to leave him he’s acting like a fool)….

so I can’t eat much… I’ve been drinking my protein and hot tea and trying to eat what  can….but I keep losing weight…

at 12 months out from surgery I weighed around 160.  I continued to weigh around 160 for the rest of September.  and ALL of October. I mean I got down to 158 here or there or 157.8  for a low early in October but then I would be 162.6 or 163 or back down to 160… so I said I weigh 160.  My doctor’s goal for me  was and is 169.  He does not like us to have lower than a BMI in the overweight range… so I had met my doctor’s goal at a year out easily….

My personal goal… 151. that would have had me losing 102 pounds from the date of surgery.  It seemed like a good weight.   I mean I weighed 145 when I was 21 and getting married and even then I thought I was fat… I’m short so 145 is still technically overweight (by 4 pounds)….. but at 50 I can’t see wanting to be stick thin…. I never was stick thin.  I was never tiny… at least I never considered myself TINY…  I always thought of myself as big bosoms (well they are gone totally now) and big hipped…  GUESS WHAT… I”m not.  I am TINY.. I keep being told I’m tiny.  By my husband,  by my friends who knew me before I had surgery… and by NEW friends who ONLY know me thin… that’s the biggest shock… FOLKS who only know me as thin Nessa see me as TINY…. WOW…

but I digress…  so here I am at about 160… thinking  OK I’m done.  I made an appointment with the plastic surgeon… I see him next week for a consult (no I’m not scheduling surgery just yet… just want an idea of cost and  how much more weight he thinks the panniulectomy would remove and I have a lot of sub-c fat)….  I’m 160  I’ll never see my goal of 151 but THAT’S OK cause I’m healthy.  My blood pressure is normal, my blood sugar is normal.  My cholesterol is NORMAL… I can bend I can move I can shop Anywhere but Lane Bryant…  instead of ONLY at Lane Bryant….  and I’m OK with where I am.  My hubby still has about 30-40 pounds to go to get to goal and he’s struggling so I am not going to whine about 9  pounds… right?

All through November I see 159 or 158 now and then…. I hit a new low of 157.4 on the 27.  I say… oh well I couldn’t eat much due to severe belly pain.  In fact, thanksgiving sucked… I could not eat… I had belly pain for about 4 days…  but since that date I have not seen 160 except for ONE day…  and i keep hanging around 159… done right?

WRONG…   I went to PA for an overnight trip on the 10th of December.   This was a pivotal day for me… I drank.  A LOT…  I was at a friends house and I was not driving and he was OK with the possibility that it would affect me oddly… so after dinner I had 2 large drinks over the course of several hours…   Next morning I got up and drove home feeling good… even stopped for my Starbucks  coffee….

I get home and go to grab a shower and as is my habit I hop on the scale… 154.8  WHAT??  154.8… down 3.2 pounds???   I even logged a note that says  “artificial low after PA trip”….   the next day I’m up but only to 155.4… WHAT???  then I go back up to 156.4 and I’m like… yeah OK I’m going back up to where I should be…. but then NO…. the next day back down to 154.6  A NEW LOW… “WTF?” I ask myself

I haven’t changed anything… I’m not exercising more… if anything I’m skipping yoga and walking now and then… just not fitting in as much as I need it to this time of year… and I keep going…  net day I’m back up 156.4, then 157….. then 156 then 156… then BANG… 152.4   NEW low.
logged as “artificial low after being sick”  I can’t even manage to enjoy this weight loss because I do not feel like I’ve earned it…

anyway I go up the next day and the next day…. then my 15 month surgiversary I weigh 153.4 so I’m down about 7  pounds from where i thought I was done…  and I’m OK with it… I am.  My goal was 151…

the next day… I’m BELOW goal… I’m 150.8… I have no joy.  It’s not earned. or deserved… I’m not following the rules… I eat carbs… I eat sugar.. I eat bread and pasta and chocolate… I’m a bad girl the only reason I’m below goal is that I can’t EAT right now with my mouth full of sores and my belly twisted in knots due to fighting with my hubby….

so yesterday I tried to eat… some chili… some pretzels a couple of cookies… always my protein drink for breakfast…  some soup for dinner… but even if my mouth can tolerate it… from not eating for a few days.. Oscar the pouch is now about 2 oz worth of room… so very little goes in me….

this morning I get on the scale… I weigh 149.6.  my size 10 jeans actually fit the way they should now instead of making a muffin top of my skin…. I see a big difference between 155 and 149…  5 pounds at this size does make a huge difference….I always thought that below 150  I would look too thing… and yes my face is drawn and my collar bones clearly defined… but I’m not too thin… not really… the difference in the skin at 150 vs 155 is noticeable… more skin less sub-c fat… I’m not even sure where this weight is coming off from now… but I’ve lost 7 pounds this week….  not bad for 15 months out and at goal…

so now I’m “below goal”… of course I am now revising the goal…..  I don’t know now what my goal is… but I know that I like where i am right now… so maybe 5 more pounds???

I think I’m becoming a card carrying member of the “how low can you go” club….

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RandomNESS but mostly about the kids………

Just feeling like I should post something.

Life has changed in so many ways

Brian is FIVE POUNDS from losing 200 pounds.  He was 282 this morning.. so he wants to go back to the gym.  I think his plan is to come back on the 15th but I plan to go with Matt.  I like working out with him.   He makes me RUN and that feels GOOD and it’s good for me… I don’t lift with him but I bet Bri will and that’s good for both of them!

Brian’s happy

I’m HAPPY

my daughter is happy

and we have Matt now.    he seems happy too!

so where do we go from here?  up and out I guess.

Moving him in to our house might seem weird and strange and unusual and it is even to me… BUT we seem to be finding our way as a non-traditional family.  He loves my daughter. My daughter loves him.  May they live long and love long… and stay happy….   Brian and I while stressing do like having him in our home.

And living the way we do, while suspect and odd, works for us.

and we are eating great.  THIS KID CAN COOK and he works hard to learn to make healthy stuff!

and the house is clean

and the best thing.. my daughter smiles and laughs… and she’s growing and maturing daily.

It’s on my mind a lot that they are playing house under our very noses and we not only indulge it we encourage it.  But it seems to be working…

where do we go from here?  I do not know…one day at a time…

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Pretzels are NOT Complex Carbs…

It’s true.  Pretzels even whole  grain pretzels are NOT complex carbs.  As much as I would like them to be, they just are not.

AND they are truly gateway foods…  Pretzels, chips, (even soy chips) crackers… all of those make me WANT MORE… even POPCORN….

so yesterday when I got on the scale I was slapped with  169.    A HUGE slap in my face. and an awakening.  I was even at 11 months out OVER-INDULGING in TREATS…

So I realized that I not only had a BREAKING point but that I was LOOKING at it.  Now in the past I would have hit a breaking point on a Sunday and I would have said  TOMORROW I will restart… this time I KNEW that I had to get it under control THAT MOMENT…  not tomorrow… not next week not after breakfast but THAT MOMENT…  I had RNY 11 months ago and that was IT.   RNY was my LAST hope… if I screw this up… I have NOTHING to fall back on.

With THAT in mind I got back on track right away… and I was about 95% on track yesterday… I did not have popcorn that I love (and can have)  I had no chips or crackers with lunch (that I can have)   I did not even so much as TASTE Brian’s sugar free fat free frozen yogurt…  I just could not… I had to be strong…

What a HUGE difference for me head wise I mean..  I didn’t put it off..  I just did what I HAD to do.  WOW… while the surgery did not fix my brain,  clearly I have done some serious brain work on my own that I didn’t BLOW THIS off.  Makes me wonder so much what I could have done differently years ago… and ya know, I’m not sure I could have done anything.

I am no longer scared of being hungry!  (WHAT A GIFT)  I am no longer scared of NEVER having something I want again. I know now that on special occasions I can have what I want.  I just have to figure out what is a special occasion.

Driving a newf to New Jersey is not a special occasion.  Driving to a Conference in OH is.

Being in Lancaster Gaming for a week is

Being at Norman and Amy’s or our house weekly is NOT

Holidays ARE

weekly dinners ARE NOT…

(starting to feel like Maury with the AREs and the ARE NOTs)

But I digress.  Anyway I did not eat badly yesterday but I was not insane either.

I had a crab cake at dinner… i did pick most of the crab out of the cake and leave the filler but because i was full and it was a bit dry. I also ate Quiona (KEEN-WA) that had chicken bullion to flavor it so it was salty. I had some roasted corn and some green beans… YUMMY!  and clearly not carbophobic!   I think I had over 135 carbs yesterday…  all good….

Yes I wanted to nosh. Yes I wanted popcorn and pretzels… and NO I did not have them.

I was lighter on fluids than I could have been… and yet at 5 am in the bathroom I knew the scale was going to show a loss and it did!  But not because I didn’t have carbs… cause I did.  It showed a loss because I had the RIGHT kinds of CARBS in the RIGHT amounts… and I left food on my plate.

I now have a goal to get BACK to 165.  I have discovered that losing 4 is much easier than losing 10 or 15….  When I get to 165  (hopefully very very soon) I will set the next goal for 161….  that’s TEN above my final goal… and then that will reset my BREAKING point… from 169 to 165…

I can do this.

I CAN DO HARD THINGS….

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My first 5k…. and my sadness at my laziness

Sunday July 11, 2010 I was a few months past turning 50 and a few days away from being ten months out from my rebirth of RNY WLS…   The Thursday before I decided to participate in a 5k event.   I didn’t say RUN. I didn’t say RACE.  I said participate in an event… and that’s what I did.

My goal…   verbalized, my goal was to finish in 45 minutes.   Internally my goal was to FINISH AND NOT BE LAST….  I had NO clue how long it would take to complete.  I was not displeased with my finish time of 46:59.  I know that the RUNNING I did at the end… (which left me breathless with a throbbing chest) was the difference with that time.  I jogged a bit of the race… not as much as I could have.  Now I am sorry I did not push harder.

I wonder if I don’t  push myself hard enough.  Everyone seems so impressed with my effort but I rarely sweat at the gym and I rarely hurt or feel sore after a workout.  Maybe I’m lazy?  Maybe I could work harder? Maybe I should? Maybe that’s why I’ve not really lost weight since JUNE 26th!

Is it unrealistic to think that if  I’m eating 1700 or so calories a day and burning 2200 calories a day I should be losing right?  but NO… I’m not.  so what am I doing wrong?    being lazy I guess….

I could work harder

I could eat better.  Yes yes I could. I could eat fewer carbs. but they taste so yummy and go down so easily…

if i didn’t eat the carbs my calories would be way lower and my ability to learn to deal with real life later on much compromised.  If i don’t learn how to eat  7 chips now (pita chips or soy flax chips with protein not plain potato chips for noshing…) later on when I CAN eat the whole bag I just might…   As it is I hate limiting myself to 7 chips…

I am not sure I AM learning the habits the doctors say we need to make this work.  I am scared I am done.  I know if I ate pure protein and veggies and fruits… I’d lose… I would have no choice…  but would I live?

How do I want to live?   right now I can walk into any store and buy clothes.  I look ok in clothes.  I look sorta ok naked too… hubby’s pleased… I can do my yoga, I lift weights, I can walk an HOUR with no problem…. I can run a tiny bit… I WANT to run more…  I want to move more… I want I want I WANT.

what do I need….

my weight this morning 169… OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE…

my muscles… firm. defined.  but not strong. I still struggle to lift things in daily life… could be my knees who knows…

So do I accept that this is it.. this is my life… or do I shake it up… and if I shake it up… how do I shake it up???

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At what price success????

Ah July 1st where is this year going, where is this summer going?  Where is my life going?    New month, new beginning, scale talk, so many things in my brain today…  I am just past 9 months out from a Roux-en-y gastric bypass and I am struggling today with the fact that maybe I’m at the tail end of my easy time….  How sad this makes me..

How in the world could I be DONE at 9 months… and the non-reptilian part of my brain says “STUPID you’re NOT DONE”…. but then there is the  purely emotional part of me that says  OMG I lost less than TWO POUNDS for the entire CALENDAR MONTH OF JUNE 2010… I must be DONE….   ummm how about… just stalled.. And not even really stalled I lost .35 pounds per week over a 4 week period.  NOT quite half a pound but it’s still A LOSS… RIGHT?   Who am I trying to convince??  WHAT am I trying to convince myself of?  And WHO am I being competitive with?  Probably me, myself and I….

Ok I admit it.  I wanna be a skinny bitch. Totally.  I wanna be a size 8.  I admit it.  I want a flat belly…  NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I actually considered ever so briefly the other day that 128 would be a good weight for me.  Then reality hits me like a cold wet slap in the face… I may be 5’2” but I’m still about 170 pounds and a size 12… and I console myself with the fact that it’s VANITY sizing. I want to be Marilyn Monroe Size 12…not this stupid size 12 is the old size 16 crap….

Why do I let the scale rule my mind?  Why in the world do I say I’m a FAILURE because I lost  XX or DIDN”T lose XX in a particular CALENDAR month….

And that’s all it is the CALENDAR MONTH…

I look at what I’ve lost from my HEAVIEST known weight.  I use 286 which was my scale at home. I am sure I was heavier at one point.  I do recall the doc had me once at 293 but that was a long time ago and my records are not showing that… but I remember it…  and I count 253 from the morning of surgery as my start weight for this current adventure… 100 pounds would be so cool to lose.  My goal of 151 would make it 102… and 128 would be 125 pounds even… I get goose bumps thinking about that.  It’s got to be unrealistic for me to think I could weigh 128.  I have 111 pounds currently of lean body mass… I need about 41 pounds of fat… so I should weigh about 152…. Or thereabouts… 128 is INSANE… so  I’m down 116 from my solid heaviest.  I’m about 20 pounds from GOAL or am I 42 pounds from goal???  There is no way I could maintain 128… there is no way I will look HEALTHY at 128… but my brain says.. TRY IT… just TRY IT SEE HOW you look… as it is I think my face is starting to look a bit gaunt and I still insist on losing 20 pounds.  OF course my body may have other ideas and I may be done.  Which is what I feel is where I am.  NOW I know it’s a stall. I know that I’m probably not done… but I’m SCARED that I’m done.  I DON”T WANNA BE DONE!   I wanna be a skinny bitch…

So how do I reconcile what society tells me about my weight with feeling good, looking good and doing the right thing…

Right now I don’t feel so good.. My left hamstring hurts.  Why?  Cause I was RUNNING on Tuesday and I pulled it a bit… RUNNING… not jogging, not WALKING… RUNNING… OMG… who ever thought I would WANT TO RUN!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!  But I do.  I like it.  My brain likes it.  My right side hurts a lot too but that’s chronic and annoying more than anything and I just deal with it.  Same with my horrible terrible no good very bad knees… torn meniscus on the left, arthritis on the right… here I am stuck in the middle with me…  BUT how much worse would I be if I hadn’t lost over 100 pounds or gotten my fat tush to the gym nearly EVERY DAY.  I go to the gym and work out not because of how I feel when I am doing it but how I feel the next morning.  I am able to move and bend most of the time fairly easily… and I know if I was not working out I’d be stiff and sore all the time…  So I feel pretty good… better than I did a year ago.

But then I wonder am I eating right?  I mean the calories I burn are about 2200 most days.  I think I should burn more but I seem to be burning less and less… this makes me cry…  Why is it on HARD workout days I still only burn about 2300 calories… WHAT am I doing WRONG???  OR am I just so damn short I have no choice.    UGH… good things come in small packages…. I wanna be taller so I can weigh more…. If I was taller I’d be DONE…  It sucks REALLY…

I mean the Go Wear Fit says I show a HUGE calorie deficit (over 900 per day on average)… so why am I NOT losing?? Maybe I’m not eating enough?   I can’t help but think I’m not eating enough… I don’t know what to think…  I just feel like crying.

I’m truly insane however… I’m having an average loss of 8 pounds a month or about 2 pounds a week… it’s NOT SHABBY. And I was told I ‘glow” that I look healthy… I was told yesterday that I “get more beautiful EVERY DAY”… so why oh why am I so defeated?

Why am I so scared I’m done.  Why do I feel like such a failure… do I need to just keep on keeping on or do I need to shake it up… how do I decide.. is 2 pounds enough of  a loss to say I’m still losing???

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Musings…

I swear I need a tape recorder for the gym…I think of such wonderful things to write about while doing my walk on the track… and I am SURE I am going to remember them but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  they are GONE before I get to the locker room…

maybe a note pad… I don’t think i can listen to music and make voice recordings at the same time..

The scale was UP today.   2.2 pounds worth of UP…. that sucks ya know  I only saw it once but I already liked 173.  Oh well I guess 175.2 isn’t bad.  just glad i never said I OWNED 175… just renting it…   I just wonder if even though I say the scale does not affect me it does?

I mean yesterday I felt thin and light and fluffy and cute… today I feel fat. and I’m not it’s 2 pounds of water for god’s sake.  it has to be water.  I ate very little yesterday.  I wonder about this food in food out stuff… I mean my gowear fit says I”m generating around an 850 calorie deficit on average…  I guess I am that’s about 6 pounds lost and that’s about what I’ve lost….

why is  this such a slow process?  why do we go up 2 down one up 3 down 1 up 2 down 3?  I hate it.  I wish there was a rhyme or reason to it… there is not.

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It’s HUMP DAY… have I climbed the hill???

well here I am  8 months and a few days out… weighing in at an interesting 176.4 this morning… WOW.. so close to 175…  never thought I’d see this.

169 puts me at OVERWEIGHT  I am 7 pounds from OVERWEIGHT… OMG that’s less than my babies weighed at birth.   I am working through the pain of a pulled butt cheek… LOL… I’m still in the gym and LOVING it.  I feel pretty good.  I sometimes think i look good… it’s almost like I don’t want to allow myself the luxury of admitting I look good.  Like that’s vain or shallow…   Did I do this for my health or my looks?  WELL…. a little of both I guess…  I like the good numbers on the blood work, I Like feeling fit and healthy. I LOVE YOGA..

I guess it’s hard for me to see that I could stop losing in 10 pounds and be done… I think I want to be 145 for a  while…

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Musings on being 7 months post op…

Today is April 22, 2010, 7 months ago at this time I was in surgery.  I had Gastric Bypass at St. Agnes Hospital with Dr. David Von Rueden on September 22, 2009, just 5 short weeks after my darling husband Brian had it.   At the time it seemed like a good idea.  Now I’m not so sure.

This has been a rough week for Brian.  He is in a LONG LONG STALL and he feels like a WLS failure.  He is not.  He is down nearly 35% of his body weight in 8 months… this is a good thing. He has gone from over 475 pounds to under 315… this is TREMENDOUS… the problem is, he’s still over 300 pounds and I’m not…   While he is VERY compliant about his food and drink, he’s not so compliant about his exercise.  And he knows it.  And we are working on it.   I wish this WAS magic.  It’s not.  It’s HARD work.  Trust me on this….  I work HARD to get as far as I get… and It is slow…  Let’s look at this:

The morning of surgery I weighed 253 on my scale.  (Or was it 256 I can’t remember)… let’s say 253 because I don’t want more credit than I deserve. This morning I weighed 184.4.  How casually I can say that now… but OMG I never thought I’d see the 180s again.

Let’s look at my weight loss monthly since surgery:

Date                              Weight              Monthly Loss      Total Loss      # of months

9/22/2009                 253                        0                                  0                           0

10/22/2009               236.4                     16.6                             16.6                      1

11/22/2009               225                        11.4                             28                         2

12/22/2009               214.2                     10.8                             38.8                      3

01/22/2010               204.8                     9.4                               48.2                      4

2/22/2010                  197.6                    7.2                               55.4                      5

3/22/2010                  191.8                    5.8                               61.2                      6

4/22/2010                  184.4                    7.4                               68.6                     7

The red text indicate months I lost less than average

The orange text indicate months I lost AVERAGE amounts

The  green text the months I lost MORE than average.  Of couse once you get past month six it’s a free for all… so there really is no average… I guess I’m all green now….

So what is AVERAGE?

According to my friend Pam T.

Month 1:                                                       20ish pounds lost

Months 2-6:                                               7-10 pounds per month lost

Month 6 and beyond:                           5-7 pounds or whatever your body feels like doing

So the average at 7 months out is anywhere from 60-77 pounds.  I’m right in there at 68.6 pounds… just under ten pounds per month… but still over 2 pounds per week… ya gotta look at the averages…2 weeks ago I lost NOTHING for the week.  NOTHING… not one ounce.  The week before I lost 3 the week following 3.2  so over a 3 week period I lost over 6 pounds…   Heck I weigh daily and if I did not look at monthly and weekly averages I’d be NUTS.  Because weight loss is not linear, comparable or predictable…

So what is a typical day like?   I think that’s often the question newbies to WLS have…

Weekdays:

Alarm goes off  at 4:55  of course somewhere around 4:30 we all stirred.  I adjusted the tv for the news. the dogs rearranged themselves, hubby went potty… (interestingly enough I do not get enough fluids to make me get up and go potty at night any more…) we then nap till the alarm goes off.  Lazy mornings mean we aren’t bolting out of bed till 5:20…  If it’s MONDAY, WEDNESDAY or FRIDAY, I’m packing work clothes in my gym bag, breakfast, lunch and snacks in my lunch tote grabbing a shower and heading over to the gym.  If it’s THURSDAY I pack gym gear in the gym bag, and head to work because I train with Tammie on Thursday afternoons.

Personally I much prefer Yoga Mornings and wish EVERY morning could be a yoga class morning… Yes I know I could do yoga at home alone… but the dynamic of the class helps.  I plan to record the classes on my itouch along with recording my training sessions with Tammie she can state the name of the machine and the weights and reps for me.. It will be a big help when I’m on my own.  And yes after this set of workout sessions I will be on my own… makes me sad and scared but what else can I do.. it’s very expensive to work with her.  WORTH every penny but still….and I can’t depend on her forever, eventually I have to be on my own and take care of myself…

As usual, I digress…  ah the joys of an ADHD brain.  I think blogs were invented for us…  we ramble along in our own little worlds ya know…  But I do love yoga.  Especially now that I can move… and breathe and it feels better to do it than to not do it.  Yoga has become one of my transfer addictions… seriously.  I love it.  I need it.  For several reasons.

1. it makes me feel better emotionally to have accomplished something

2. it makes me feel better physically and it’s helping to keep me flexible and limber

3. it’s a nice start to my day.

But back to my day….

Every morning I make a protein drink to have in the car on the way to work (I drink some on the way to the gym on gym mornings)

8 oz milk

2 tsp benefiber

1 scoop Click (vanilla or mocha)

1 scoop Designer Whey Vanilla Praline Protein Powder

2 squirts of sf syrup (praline or vanilla usually)

shake this well in my CLICK shaker  and pour into my travel mug that has already been filled with an espresso shot of coffee.

nuke for 45 seconds.

I start EVERY morning with this drink

it’s got about 32 grams of protein and it holds me all morning.   Of course I’m not a big eater yet…  most days.  I do have my moments.

Anyway I have to remind myself to eat and drink… I swear I could go all day with nothing.

I have alarms set to remind me to take my vitamins…

Food that is good for me is not interesting.  I’d rather not eat.

Food that I miss (ice cream, bagels, cakes, cookies etc) scare me and I don’t touch them….

EATING is a chore.   Truly.   it is NOT the pleasure it once was and I am sure will be again…

I don’t think I get enough veggies. I don’t get a lot of fruit…

Protein I’m good with cause of all the protein drinks…

Clothes…

clothes are interesting.  I never thought I’d struggle with body image but I do.  I do not see myself as thin. I have to take a trusted friend with me shopping or else i don’t do well… I buy shirts too big… LOL how funny to me that I am struggling with this….  I was in size 26 at my heaviest.  my 24s were tight the morning of surgery…  now i’m in 14s pretty much… some 16s.  I keep saying I’m in 18s but the 18 jeans were pulled down last night without unbuttoning them… I think 16s are the biggest I can go now…

And shirts… depends on the cut  large or XL  but NOT  3x or even 4x.  And yet I still gravitate towards the big girl sizes…

Bras… were 48DDD now I think 42DD or even 40DD not sure… have to be fitted.. oh joy…

So here I am at 7 months out… losing weight, feeling great loving life,

are there any down sides?

yep… food struggles… emotional upheavals….body image issues,  SKIN… oy I’m starting to try to figure out how much of me is fat and how much is skin….  I’m starting to think there is way more skin than I thought… because although I’m still a solid 184 pounds,  I don’t think I have much more than 30 more pounds to lose… and I have no idea where I am going to tuck all this skin….  I guess I better start saving for plastic surgery….

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You want to lose HOW MUCH more?

Went out with the BFF today… we’ve been friends for way too long… too long to admit.  We were young when we met… I was in my 20s… we’ve raised 4 kids between us… had a few husbands… finally have it figured out and life is good for both of us.  She’s loved me fat or thin, redhead or not… I’m a goof and she’s my rock… the stable normal one to my insanity…. but it works well for us.

Anyway today was SHOPPING… (and lunch)…. we went to Arundel Mills Mall in hopes of finding CLINIQUE BONUS TIME…. we did not find it but we did find CLINIQUE…  and some clothes…for me… and some books for both of us… but I digress.  I got jeans today… SIZE 14.   So why do I feel FAT?  a year ago I was nearly size 26 again… I”m down to size 14 and I feel like a failure and I feel fat….  Sometimes.

The 14’s looked GOOD…. felt GOOD…. were on sale….. I swear I may wear them with the tags on….  wondering what the weather is tomorrow…I got some cute tops too.  And beige corduroys for my STEAMPUNK costume for the SteamPunk World’s fair next month… they were 16s… I bet I could have done them in 14… Tops are still XL but that’s for the boobs… I’m thinking 40DD still… noticing bad skin under my arms now… might have been the bra I was wearing…

oh i did get 6 tanks for under clothes… size large cause i like them SNUG….

did some more shopping later with DH that included some new WORK-IT camis and some sports bras….

But that’s so NOT what I want to talk about today here…   Donna and I were sitting at Chili’s having lunch…. (and I eat pretty normally now… I had the inside of half a wrap with chicken and a couple of french fries and brought the rest home…) and she asked me how much more I wanted to lose…. well I’m at about 185 now.  I think I want to SETTLE at 155… I was a size 10 20 years ago at that weight so I bet I’ll be an 8 now?  Sizes have so changed ya know…. so I told her FORTY more pounds….  that gets me to 145 and gives me 11 pounds bounce back room… Well she pointed out how good I looked at 155… so I’m really close to being at goal.  I am 29.x  pounds from permanent goal weight and 39.x from lowest weight ever…  that’s NOT A LOT….  IF I continue losing an average of 2 pounds per week I am about 4 months away from permanent  goal….  and less than 5 months from bounce back weight and I can’t see this happening.   or maybe I can and that scares me to death…

I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I might get to goal…. maybe that’s why I set my goal so low… so that I’d never get there…. who knows.

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It’s A lovely Spring Friday…

my post from SBF:

Morning Gang,

hope everyone is ready for a great spring weekend.

my report:
workout yesterday was good… 15 minutes cardio before, then worked out with tammie (hard arms light legs cause of my knee) then 35 more minutes of cardio… I really don’t do the workouts to get thinner… or stronger unless you count STRONGER as the ability to get out of bed every morning without grabbing the wall due to pain….. this is my biggest fear about seeing the doc on Tuesday what if he tells me I have to stop working out or doing yoga even for a little while. it’s taken me SIX MONTHS to get as far as I have it will take me less than 6 weeks to LOSE all of it… I don’t want to go back to being a cripple…

after the gym I went shopping…

SOLIDLY in size 16 pants… zippers and buttons and all… I can do size 14 if they are elastic waist… WOW… tops are XL or L WOW… I used to be a 4XL FOUR…. tight four even… WOW…

so what did I buy:

1 pair of kakhi ankle length cotton pants.. (wearing them today)
1 pair of black pull on pants for work (size 14/16 fit perfectly)
1 pair of beige pull on size MEDIUM petite…. a tad snug but wearable with an over blouse
1 pair of white denim capris WHITE… size 16… really really cute… bri liked them..
1 blue jersey cardigan (can be a top or a jacket)
1 crinkle/wrinkle flowered 3/4 sleeve top (looks awesome with the black pants)
1 grey and white striped 3/4 sleeve jersey pullover size large.. a tad snug.. looks cute with the white capris
1 3/4 sleeve print top with a ruffle at the neck… black pants or jeans or even the white capris
1 blue thin 3/4 sleeve deep v-neck top for wearing with the tight beige pants

i think that’s it… 110 dollars… can’t beat it.

I’ll shop with BFF on Sunday too… CLINIQUE bonus time at Macy’s

scale this morning: 186 on the nose… oh well…. 1.2 up from my lightest… that’s a potty session… bfd..

on a conference call now…

this morning I did 25 minutes cardio and broke a decent sweat… i read somewhere once that the more you sweat the more fit you are and the more efficient cooling your body can do… but I might be wrong…
yoga was more restorative… I think Tammie tailored it based on our chat yesterday about my knee…
I worked hard. I need to work on core strength…

I noticed breathing today was deeper and better….
plank is improving…

food today:

commute: click/protein/milk/coffee frap
work: chai latte
lunch: at las vegas… probably split a fajita with angie
snack: protein bar cheddar cheese
dinner: chicken w/gravy and roasted veggies
snack: dried fruit and nuts… 

*******************

my knee is really bothering me.  i’m glad i’m seeing the doctor on Tuesday… I have mixed feelings about it… what if he wants to operate ASAP… or what if he doesn’t?   I just want this nagging pain to go away…

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