Sunday July 11, 2010 I was a few months past turning 50 and a few days away from being ten months out from my rebirth of RNY WLS…   The Thursday before I decided to participate in a 5k event.   I didn’t say RUN. I didn’t say RACE.  I said participate in an event… and that’s what I did.

My goal…   verbalized, my goal was to finish in 45 minutes.   Internally my goal was to FINISH AND NOT BE LAST….  I had NO clue how long it would take to complete.  I was not displeased with my finish time of 46:59.  I know that the RUNNING I did at the end… (which left me breathless with a throbbing chest) was the difference with that time.  I jogged a bit of the race… not as much as I could have.  Now I am sorry I did not push harder.

I wonder if I don’t  push myself hard enough.  Everyone seems so impressed with my effort but I rarely sweat at the gym and I rarely hurt or feel sore after a workout.  Maybe I’m lazy?  Maybe I could work harder? Maybe I should? Maybe that’s why I’ve not really lost weight since JUNE 26th!

Is it unrealistic to think that if  I’m eating 1700 or so calories a day and burning 2200 calories a day I should be losing right?  but NO… I’m not.  so what am I doing wrong?    being lazy I guess….

I could work harder

I could eat better.  Yes yes I could. I could eat fewer carbs. but they taste so yummy and go down so easily…

if i didn’t eat the carbs my calories would be way lower and my ability to learn to deal with real life later on much compromised.  If i don’t learn how to eat  7 chips now (pita chips or soy flax chips with protein not plain potato chips for noshing…) later on when I CAN eat the whole bag I just might…   As it is I hate limiting myself to 7 chips…

I am not sure I AM learning the habits the doctors say we need to make this work.  I am scared I am done.  I know if I ate pure protein and veggies and fruits… I’d lose… I would have no choice…  but would I live?

How do I want to live?   right now I can walk into any store and buy clothes.  I look ok in clothes.  I look sorta ok naked too… hubby’s pleased… I can do my yoga, I lift weights, I can walk an HOUR with no problem…. I can run a tiny bit… I WANT to run more…  I want to move more… I want I want I WANT.

what do I need….

my weight this morning 169… OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE…

my muscles… firm. defined.  but not strong. I still struggle to lift things in daily life… could be my knees who knows…

So do I accept that this is it.. this is my life… or do I shake it up… and if I shake it up… how do I shake it up???

Ah July 1^st where is this year going, where is this summer going?  Where is my life going?    New month, new beginning, scale talk, so many things in my brain today…  I am just past 9 months out from a Roux-en-y gastric bypass and I am struggling today with the fact that maybe I’m at the tail end of my easy time….  How sad this makes me..

How in the world could I be DONE at 9 months… and the non-reptilian part of my brain says “STUPID you’re NOT DONE”…. but then there is the  purely emotional part of me that says  OMG I lost less than TWO POUNDS for the entire CALENDAR MONTH OF JUNE 2010… I must be DONE….   ummm how about… just stalled.. And not even really stalled I lost .35 pounds per week over a 4 week period.  NOT quite half a pound but it’s still A LOSS… RIGHT?   Who am I trying to convince??  WHAT am I trying to convince myself of?  And WHO am I being competitive with?  Probably me, myself and I….

Ok I admit it.  I wanna be a skinny bitch. Totally.  I wanna be a size 8.  I admit it.  I want a flat belly…  NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I actually considered ever so briefly the other day that 128 would be a good weight for me.  Then reality hits me like a cold wet slap in the face… I may be 5’2” but I’m still about 170 pounds and a size 12… and I console myself with the fact that it’s VANITY sizing. I want to be Marilyn Monroe Size 12…not this stupid size 12 is the old size 16 crap….

Why do I let the scale rule my mind?  Why in the world do I say I’m a FAILURE because I lost  XX or DIDN”T lose XX in a particular CALENDAR month….

And that’s all it is the CALENDAR MONTH…

I look at what I’ve lost from my HEAVIEST known weight.  I use 286 which was my scale at home. I am sure I was heavier at one point.  I do recall the doc had me once at 293 but that was a long time ago and my records are not showing that… but I remember it…  and I count 253 from the morning of surgery as my start weight for this current adventure… 100 pounds would be so cool to lose.  My goal of 151 would make it 102… and 128 would be 125 pounds even… I get goose bumps thinking about that.  It’s got to be unrealistic for me to think I could weigh 128.  I have 111 pounds currently of lean body mass… I need about 41 pounds of fat… so I should weigh about 152…. Or thereabouts… 128 is INSANE… so  I’m down 116 from my solid heaviest.  I’m about 20 pounds from GOAL or am I 42 pounds from goal???  There is no way I could maintain 128… there is no way I will look HEALTHY at 128… but my brain says.. TRY IT… just TRY IT SEE HOW you look… as it is I think my face is starting to look a bit gaunt and I still insist on losing 20 pounds.  OF course my body may have other ideas and I may be done.  Which is what I feel is where I am.  NOW I know it’s a stall. I know that I’m probably not done… but I’m SCARED that I’m done.  I DON”T WANNA BE DONE!   I wanna be a skinny bitch…

So how do I reconcile what society tells me about my weight with feeling good, looking good and doing the right thing…

Right now I don’t feel so good.. My left hamstring hurts.  Why?  Cause I was RUNNING on Tuesday and I pulled it a bit… RUNNING… not jogging, not WALKING… RUNNING… OMG… who ever thought I would WANT TO RUN!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!  But I do.  I like it.  My brain likes it.  My right side hurts a lot too but that’s chronic and annoying more than anything and I just deal with it.  Same with my horrible terrible no good very bad knees… torn meniscus on the left, arthritis on the right… here I am stuck in the middle with me…  BUT how much worse would I be if I hadn’t lost over 100 pounds or gotten my fat tush to the gym nearly EVERY DAY.  I go to the gym and work out not because of how I feel when I am doing it but how I feel the next morning.  I am able to move and bend most of the time fairly easily… and I know if I was not working out I’d be stiff and sore all the time…  So I feel pretty good… better than I did a year ago.

But then I wonder am I eating right?  I mean the calories I burn are about 2200 most days.  I think I should burn more but I seem to be burning less and less… this makes me cry…  Why is it on HARD workout days I still only burn about 2300 calories… WHAT am I doing WRONG???  OR am I just so damn short I have no choice.    UGH… good things come in small packages…. I wanna be taller so I can weigh more…. If I was taller I’d be DONE…  It sucks REALLY…

I mean the Go Wear Fit says I show a HUGE calorie deficit (over 900 per day on average)… so why am I NOT losing?? Maybe I’m not eating enough?   I can’t help but think I’m not eating enough… I don’t know what to think…  I just feel like crying.

I’m truly insane however… I’m having an average loss of 8 pounds a month or about 2 pounds a week… it’s NOT SHABBY. And I was told I ‘glow” that I look healthy… I was told yesterday that I “get more beautiful EVERY DAY”… so why oh why am I so defeated?

Why am I so scared I’m done.  Why do I feel like such a failure… do I need to just keep on keeping on or do I need to shake it up… how do I decide.. is 2 pounds enough of  a loss to say I’m still losing???

NOT a baby… no no no…  Today is my NINE MONTH SURGIVERSAY… yep 9 months ago today I was in surgery.  It’s amazing how fast it goes.   This is an idea of my day now:

ok here’s the daily report:

scale: 172.4 this is:

down 1.6 from yesterday
up .8 from last tuesday
down 5 pounds from a month ago ( my surgical monthly report shows that I’m LOW average this month)
down .6 for the entire MONTH of JUNE

down 80.4 from surgery date which is just under 9 pounds per month… ugh.  I wish it was more.

oh and I’m down 113.4 from the heaviest on my home scale.  wow that’s almost a whole person.

basically the TREND is good… and isn’t that what matters?

fashion: blue crop pants with the blue flowered top, diamond drop earrings (hair is up today so that’s an important point) white sandals. going to be mid 90s today… we are going to hit 100 on Thursday it appears…

exercise: after work… will ATTEMPT the first C25K podcast today IF the ankle settles down. it has been going out the last two days. the chip is moving and it hurts to dorsi-flex (toes to shin) the joint and sometimes when I step it locks which HURTS badly… when the chip is stationary the ankle is JUST fine… I don’t know if it’s PMS related or weather related or just random but I do know it’s a pain… the knees (thank FSM) are just fine today…. I will also do some weight work and my stretching today

food:

commute: click/milk/protein/coffee  (this is the daily breakfast 99.9% of the time)
snack: yogurt
lunch: cottage cheese w/cucumber and tomato pita puffs (salty little puffs of air with minimal nutritional value)
snack: cheese and banana (pre-workout)
dinner: something cool…. it’s HOT….
LNS: fudge pop probably

this is a pretty typical day for me.

of course I wake up around 5 am (and loll in bed about 15 minutes with dogs and hubby)

i get up

I potty  (and hope that the colace, magnesium oxide and benefiber of the day before worked)

I brush my teeth

I get on the scale NAKED…. while I may weigh more than ONCE I only count the first weigh.  I would say 99% of the time.  Occasionally it’s way to whacked out (too low or too high) to be accurate….so I reweigh to find something closer to the day before.

today is not a gym MORNING (it is however a gym DAY) so I shower and dress for the office and take the gym bag with the gear with me for after work.   In fact,  almost EVERY day is a gym day now…  who would have ever thought I would love going to the gym.  I wish my knees and ankle were happier with me about it… and I wish my butt/back/piraformis did not hurt so much… but I wonder how bad it would be if I didn’t go to the gym almost daily.

Yes I am in the gym pretty much everyday.  I usually skip either Saturday or Sunday (usually Sunday) but this past week I skipped Saturday.  AND if I don’t have plans and bri is racing I might go both days anyway.  I am thinking of trying the Couch to 5k but I worry that I’m doing too much with my ankle and bad knees… Yes KNEES… the left knee has a torn meniscus and a misplaced Baker’s Cyst… the right knee.. arthritis.   so not cool… so not happy about this.  oh and my ankle is acting up again…

It does not stop me from hitting the gym. I love Yoga. I love the stretch, I like to lift, I even like to run but my body takes a pounding….

Food is a bit more complicated.  I eat more fat and carbs and calories than you would think I should but less than the gowear fit thinks i should.   Maybe that’s why I’m stalled this month.

Yes I lost 5 pounds during the surgical month of 5/22-6/22 but I’ve lost NOTHING for the month of June. and that makes me sad and frustrated.  It’s not abnormal.  It could be from eating too many carbs, it could be from not eating enough food.  it could be from not drinking enough water, it could be from many things or nothing at all.. who knows.

all i can do is keep moving forward… can’t believe it’s been 9 months now… wow.

I swear I need a tape recorder for the gym…I think of such wonderful things to write about while doing my walk on the track… and I am SURE I am going to remember them but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  they are GONE before I get to the locker room…

maybe a note pad… I don’t think i can listen to music and make voice recordings at the same time..

The scale was UP today.   2.2 pounds worth of UP…. that sucks ya know  I only saw it once but I already liked 173.  Oh well I guess 175.2 isn’t bad.  just glad i never said I OWNED 175… just renting it…   I just wonder if even though I say the scale does not affect me it does?

I mean yesterday I felt thin and light and fluffy and cute… today I feel fat. and I’m not it’s 2 pounds of water for god’s sake.  it has to be water.  I ate very little yesterday.  I wonder about this food in food out stuff… I mean my gowear fit says I”m generating around an 850 calorie deficit on average…  I guess I am that’s about 6 pounds lost and that’s about what I’ve lost….

why is  this such a slow process?  why do we go up 2 down one up 3 down 1 up 2 down 3?  I hate it.  I wish there was a rhyme or reason to it… there is not.

1. Girl Child has graduated.  NOT sure how that happened.  but it’s done.  now to get through summer, finding a job and getting ready for community college.  I fear we are going to have to learn to drive now… oy vey.

2. my toe hurts.  Not my big toe, not my baby (pinkie) toe, one of the middle toes… only hurts when I WALK which pisses me off cause that’s that I like to do now for exercise… but I have to figure out what’s going on.  it’s not swollen it’s not red.  It looks like it’s getting either ingrown or infected. so I think I will soak it tonite…

3. My scale showed me UNDER 175 this morning.. Yay me.   this RNY thing is really working…

well here I am  8 months and a few days out… weighing in at an interesting 176.4 this morning… WOW.. so close to 175…  never thought I’d see this.

169 puts me at OVERWEIGHT  I am 7 pounds from OVERWEIGHT… OMG that’s less than my babies weighed at birth.   I am working through the pain of a pulled butt cheek… LOL… I’m still in the gym and LOVING it.  I feel pretty good.  I sometimes think i look good… it’s almost like I don’t want to allow myself the luxury of admitting I look good.  Like that’s vain or shallow…   Did I do this for my health or my looks?  WELL…. a little of both I guess…  I like the good numbers on the blood work, I Like feeling fit and healthy. I LOVE YOGA..

I guess it’s hard for me to see that I could stop losing in 10 pounds and be done… I think I want to be 145 for a  while…

On Scales, Calories, Input, Emotions, and Insanity…

Maybe I should just call this the insane post of the day.  Because, I am insane.  I am nuts.  WHY do I give a hunk of metal SO MUCH FREAKING POWER???  Why do I, WHEN I look the same as I did yesterday or last week, think I’m so much fatter just because the SCALE says I am?  WHY do I give it power?  It’s evil, I need to stay off of it.

Thankfully, I am not so insane as to alter workout or eating patterns because of a blip on my scale radar… but STILL…it affects my mood…. I mean I’m wearing a CUTE outfit today… blue sundress, blue jersey jacket… great earrings… HEELS… and yet in the back of my mind I’m FAT FAT FAT… but I’m not.  It’s water… it has to be…. I mean what else could it be, According to my GoWear Fit I’m over the last week generating about 1000 per day DEFICIT so shouldn’t I be DOWN 2 pounds this week NOT UP????

It does make me mad. It makes me sad. It frustrates me.   But I refuse to let it get me down. I mean what choice do I have?  I can’t go back to eating the way I was eating pre-op, Oscar would not handle it well. And I don’t WANT to stop working out as I feel so much better doing the yoga and the weights…  I even can run a bit now… although my knee kills me afterwards…

I see folks on the board on OH eating under 1000 calories per day at the same level I’m at and I wonder if I’m doing something wrong with my 1680 daily…. It makes my head hurt to think about this.  The GOWEAR fit says I should be eating 1681 a day… that seems like A LOT for a WLS person less than a year out… but I think that perhaps a few years down the road it will hold me in good stead as I don’t struggle with having to hold my calories at 1200 a day to maintain.  I want to be able to eat like a normal person later on…. I eat like a normal person NOW… just smaller amounts.

Yesterday I had Soy CHIPS.. LOTS of salt.  I had leftover Quodoba burrito bowl more SALT… and I had a lot of it at 9:30 right before bed… so I guess I can’t be mad.  I also REALLY need to potty… oy vey this potty thing is getting to me…

WHY do I second guess myself???

sensing a trend????

Ok so last week I got this Body Media Go Wear Fit armband thingy….  WE ARE BORG RESISTANCE is FUTILE… (we yeah with the darn thing on I look rather BORG LIKE…. since it rests on my arm (I’d show you but my PHONE died today and it’s the only camera I have)….

well i set it to make sure I did 7500 steps per day… simple right… NOT on lazy weekend days…  so last night at 8 pm I was not going to make target for calories OR steps without some EFFORT… so I fired up the Wii…   and unwrapped the Wii Fit Plus… OMG I did it for 45 minutes.    the dogs watched me… I liked it.  Now let me point out that I would NOT have gotten on the WII FIT without the Go Wear FIT and that because of both of them I’m getting fit… but of course I get obsessive so my husband is having a fit..

Now I’ve been wearing the GoWear Fit since Friday.   I got my regular day on friday:

I walked over 8,000 steps and burned over 2300 calories and ate under 1600 calories

it alleges 1 hour and 17 minutes of moderate activity (it was a yoga and cardio day so shouldn’t’ it be more?)

I manged just over 6 hours of sleep and had 91% efficiency… that is the coolest thing to me… that it can tell me how efficient my sleep was.

oh and I had over 700 calories deficit  (If I am reporting my calories right)

Saturday was even better as my friend NIK trekked me all over downtown Baltimore… I burned nearly 3000 calories on Saturday and ingested under 1000 I should have a HUGE deficit…  over 2000 and I do

AND i took OVER 16,000 steps and had moderate activity for over 3 hours on Saturday… WOO-HOO right?

I really am enjoying it and I forget the arm bad is on.. the display is a bit much for a watch and I’m thinking of going to a clip on for it instead…

so why is the scale up nearly 4 pounds since Friday???  Corn Chips?  Al Pacinos (a great local place for Middle Eastern Food) and Chip0lte…  oy SALT… and potty issues…

So much to talk about… so much on my mind…

I got my GO WEAR Fit yesterday from my friend Katie..  and I charged it and synced it with my laptop at home (and i can look at the reports at work) I put it on last night but it was after dinner and working out…I did sleep with it but I haven’t synced it so I’ll see tonite.   Some folks don’t put their food in. I may or may not on a daily basis but I will for a few days at least…

I’m still figuring out the display and the armband thing with it.  Putting the armband on is no big deal… wearing it is no big deal… in fact you can’t even tell I have it on today… and it doesn’t bother me… I hope it helps.  I did take a one year subscription and it doesn’t seem too bad.. it will be interesting to see what happens.

This morning while I was on the elliptical (finishing up 20 minutes of cardio (and I worked hard at it) the darn display beeped at me to tell me that My moderate goal was met.  I have tried to look it up and I can’t find it.  oh well I’ll ask around over on OH… I then took a kick ass yoga class with tammie.  I held a tree today. I still wobble badly at tree with a kickstand because of the closed eyes.  I can do a beautiful modified half moon and my child’s pose is improving.   I can do half moon on the left much easier than on the right…

The point is yoga class rocked today and I worked up a nice sweat…

I’ve noticed in the last few days especially I’ve hit a new point.   Yesterday I felt THIN… this morning I feel NORMAL… and it seems that  all the women at the gym that used to find me invisible no longer do…. Now this may be a function of the fact that they see me 5 times a week consistently or it may be a function of the fact that I no longer have that FAT chick appearance…   I don’t know.  I’m not sure I want to know.

What I do know is that I am loving the gym.   I love going, I love how I feel when I’m done. I actually liked sweating today.   Who’d have thunk it ya know…

Why is it that when I think about things they sound so profound and then when I go to write them they seem so trivial.