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Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Working out is finally working out for me.

I have been mulling this idea over in my mind. Recently I got back on track. Very recently, like in the last week or so. I’m hoping it will stick this time. It has before because I found something that resonates with me. Well now I have something that resonates AT HOME. WOW.

Let’s start with a current standing. I have gained some weight. Sadly. It’s my own doing… At my lowest I was @135. Today I was 171.5. I like me around 148… so I want to lose about 20-25 pounds. I sadly did not stop when I got to 155 or 160 or even 165…. My highest I’ve seen since my surgery is 174. and while that’s NOT bad (my highest ever was 293) it’s NOT great since I’m a mere 5’2″.

My ankle goes out now and then, my right knee hurts pretty much every time I bend it. My right hip… well it’s on fire most of the time and it hurts a lot too. I have arthritis and degenerative disc disease which is a nice way to say my spine is collapsing on itself. Not much I can do but get strong and keep at it. I’m only 54 but there are days I feel 80. I never feel 20 any more.

So anyway… I used to go to Lifebridge Gym. I did walking and yoga 3 days a week and lifting 2 times a week. I worked with a trainer. then my back went out. Then I stopped going to yoga for several reasons. Then since I was not going to the gym regularly to save money we dropped the gym membership. Now I have NO gym membership and i have struggled with working out on my own.

I could NOT figure out why I could not get going on my own. Well in the last few weeks I have stepped up my game.

Finally, it seems to me that I’m catching on and figuring it out.

So what changed?

I have a website www.southbeachfriends.net and I have been there with some very close dear friends since 2007. Doesn’t seem that long. Anyway… they are a lovely group of women but none of them have had weight loss surgery. I was posting but not really involved. I was there but not really putting in an effort.

Then, my darling friend Nikki Masse of the infamous Bariatric Foodie website started a private group on Facebook for those of us who have experienced regain after weight loss surgery. Bless her heart (truly not in the nasty sense) she added me to the group. It made me finally Realize that was in total DENIAL that I was OUT OF CONTROL. For some reason THIS group resonated with me. The members or the situation or SOMETHING just made THIS GROUP the one I wanted to be good for. This group was the one I wanted to WIN for. And yet winning for this group means I win for myself.

I have this arm band called a GO Wear Fit. It’s by Body Media and It does all sorts of lovely things. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken and how many calories I’ve burned and how well I’m sleeping. I pay 6.95 a month for the website on this and I might as well use it to the best of my ability.

I need to track my food. I don’t like the food tracker on the Body Media Site but I LOVE the food tracker on SparkPeople. . I wanted to get my Body Media armband and Spark People talking to each other and I finally figured it out. Then I became a REALLY happy camper. I now have a way to link my favorite food record with my body measurements. Woo-hoo…

Then I realized I had to start moving more. I was getting up going to work and coming home to veg on the couch. This will NOT do. I am only 54 and i need to move more. So I started looking around ON Demand. I found Cardio Fit for Seniors by Angie Miller in the fitness area. I figured, I’m a klutz and I’m out of shape and I’m doing NOTHING so this is SOMETHING. Well This SOMETHING saved me. I am NOT sure what about this workout works for me… but it got me started… and it taught me to modify. I have learned to Modify UP AND modify DOWN. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe the at home stuff is fine for a starting point and for getting you going and teaching you how to figure out what you need on your own and then it becomes a bit of a place holder.

For example in Cardio Fit for Seniors (CFFS) she says “go at your own pace” and my pace keeps ups with her just fine… but I was able to take “go at your own pace” from her and apply it to Leslie Sansone’s Walk Away the Pounds (WATP) without feeling like a failure. Because who can’t walk? I can’t walk. I fall over my own two feet in the kitchen for god’s sake.

Anyway.. after CFFS where I have upped my intensity by doing bigger movements and carrying weights, I discovered WATP and did the 1 mile walk without difficulty. I have gone on to the 2 mile walk and while I have completed it once I find 1.5 miles now on this works well.

So then I tried Absolute Beginners Dance and Step and I can do most of the tutorial and some of the step routine but when I get lost I don’t give up I just do what i know I can do to KEEP MY HEART RATE UP. Because I know now that my work out is not limited to one thing. I can work out as little or as long as I like.

So yesterday was a ROCK star day. First i did CFFS Warm up, then Cardio One, Cardio, Two and Cardio Three and Four. I even carried weights in sessions 2 and 4! I then stopped the DVD and said “I don’t want to do strength and stretching.. I want to WALK MORE”. I stopped the DVD and put in the WATP and then I said “I want to try the 2 but I’ll do only till i want to stop” and yet I managed 1.5 miles only stopping when I had met my step and workout goals for the day. I didn’t do the cool down because I was NOT done, I then popped in my new DVD from the Yoga for Inflexible People set and did 30 minutes of seated yoga.

So yeah I got a serious workout in yesterday. Oh also did some step on the wii to warm up before doing my 30 seconds of planking. Yes I can hold a plank for 30 seconds. Not great but it’s better than I was doing.

I like the whole working out thing. I note my back is not hurting as much and while I’m still fat and not losing weight at least I feel good that I’m trying.

Working out is finally working out for me.

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Formerly Fat Chick.

Ugh… this is a very very very hard post to make.  I don’t update this blog as often as I should but then there is a lot of stuff going on in my life that I don’t really want to put out on the web for all to see…. THIS is important.  This is a painful reminder that no matter what we say… life changes… we change… things change in our brains when we change things with our bodies…

So very hard to write this.. not even sure I want to put it out there for all to see… but I have to.   It’s therapeutic in so many ways and yet painful too…

Hard to put into words… I so thought I would not change when I lost weight…  I was so WRONG….   how could I not know I would change… WHY did I think I would be the same…  well partially because I thought I was OK the way I was.  What I’ve come to see is that I tried very hard NOT to step on toes…  I stuffed my feelings down… I stuffed them down so DEEP I didn’t even know I was stuffing them.

I guess in reality I didn’t KNOW the REAL me…  I’m a mean girl.   I go for the jugular… and I don’t mind admitting that it feels good to hurt someone who is not a true friend…  OMG I had no idea how much I would enjoy it…  I never did that before… Not at 300 pounds…  never.  I thought all the thoughts I’d even put them in words but I never had the guts to put them out there for the world to see.  I guess then I didn’t have the need to rid myself of people that were toxic like I do now.

Why don’t SMO women feel the need to nourish themselves emotionally?  Is it because we feed our faces instead of our hearts?

The problem is… I wrote stuff to ONE person but a bunch of folks read it  (which WAS my intent) and I ended up hurting a bunch of folks I CARE about…  and that doesn’t feel so good.

Neither does the fight I had with ONE of my very best friends which is what triggered all of this.   Now the question is why did I fight with her…   Well I felt stepped on.  and I’m tired of feeling stepped on and being told how to do things.  And I was feeling that she was telling me that my behavior was not something she could cope with and she was asking me to change my behavior…  Maybe she was,  maybe she was not…   What matters is that’s what I felt… like I was being told that  because I behave a certain way, she gets stressed… and my belief was,  “well then remove yourself from the stress”…  she would not… and I could not understand that so I did what I thought was best for both of us… I removed the stress from her. I ended a 7 year friendship…. I told her I was done.  I was a bit of a drama queen about it but that’s me…. and that’s part of the stress….  I thought it best for both of us… she won’t be stressed and I won’t be forced to compromise who I am.

Did not work too well for me….  I really hurt my friend by walking away from her… and her spouse… and that was NEVER my intent…  I hurt my husband… they are his friends too… I hurt other friends we share… I hurt myself…   and it brought me to this point… the point where I have to examine why I did it… what’s changed in me… why I no longer will grin and bear it and why before I thought I was strong and that I was happy and that I was able to take care of my needs and here I am having to admit I was not.  I mean I was strong and I was happy but I was not taking care of myself….  meanwhile we work to patch up the group and go back to loving each other… and it’s happening… I think we are all a bit more fragile now…

I love my friends… I do not care what they look like or how much they weigh… I had to think long and hard about this… I really did. I wondered was I now being that skinny bitch that only wanted skinny friends…  After all, it seems all my new friends are very thin… of course most of them are fairly new post op patients so why wouldn’t they be… and I tried very very hard to see if maybe I was becoming that person…. the person I didn’t want to be… the skinny bitch that no longer would associate with fat people… NOPE I’m not her…  But I got SCARED that I was that girl… that woman I didn’t want to be… the one who JUDGED folks based on size.   I don’t.  But I look at strangers differently now…. NOT my friends… my friends are just that my friends… and I love them…warts and all and they love me.  I don’t see them as fat or thin or black or white or gay or straight… I see them AS PEOPLE…  BUT as I alter my friendships with folks, (“re-establishing boundaries” as a friend of mine pointed out this morning) I can’t help but wonder if they see it as “see now she’s skinny so she doesn’t want to hang around fat people”….    and that’s NOT IT at all… but it sure looks like it at least from the outside looking in and at least to me at first glance…  and I worry  do I have to work doubly hard to not look like the skinny bitch who discriminates against fat folks….  HOW  HARD THIS IS….

I never had to think about it when I was fat.   I was nice to everyone.  I’m still nice to everyone… but things for me have changed…. PEOPLE HOLD DOORS FOR ME NOW….men and women… they didn’t do that when i was 300 pounds…  Men smile at me and talk to me… in public.. out of nowhere… again not done when I was 300 pounds…   NOW ME…

I talk to everyone..  I hold doors for everyone… I SMILE at everyone.  I still feel like that fat chick… so I look at the SMO women and I smile that “we are sisters smile”  only it comes out different now… It comes out as the “skinny bitch making fun of me look”…..  and it’s NOT… I want a sign that says  “formerly FAT CHICK” but since I can’t get one I find myself NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT with FAT people…   this makes me SAD.   That’s not what I want but I can’t bear the stares that tell me I’m no longer part of the club….

And to some extent I miss that club… it was safe… it was known… we knew who belonged with a glance…  I feel sometimes that I am floundering adrift in a sea of humanity…

So what’s changed… let’s go from the bottom up…

my feet:  smaller.. narrower… that alone scares me..

my body:  smaller… fitter under all the flab…. the skin has a mind of it’s own… the skin… oy the skin… it still defines me in my brain as fat… and yet sometimes I move it when I shower and I see that tiny TINY girl under the flab… I marvel at my fitness now… I walked for 45 minutes this morning… I only stopped because I had to go take my yoga class.  Yoga class where I can hold planks and down dogs and bridges… and do pigeons…  Yoga where I am strong and powerful… Yoga that I love…

my brain… ah that is the rub… has my brain changed or just how I deal with it… and what’s the difference….   I so wanted to prove that I could stay the same… and here I am having to admit I did not…

I mean I think I did… I think the same way…  I know that.. but how I act on it has changed…  I think now that I’m small… (see I wanted to say smaller… like I’m not SMALL… but I am a size 10 with 2 sizes worth of SKIN on me… so I’m probably a size 6 after plastic surgery… that’s SMALL)….  but i digress… now that I’m SMALL… I’m  even MORE flirtatious than I was at 300 pounds… and I was a hot flirt then… with anyone that would flirt with me.  Of course the realization is now that the only guys that looked at me were big guys…. or guys who had no sense of themselves… or guys that preferred fat girls (for whatever reason)… and I’ve learned that thin men react differently…. but I’ve been told I am different… more outgoing… I make eye contact..  and I realize it’s true… I SILENTLY  DARE men to flirt with me. This is something I never did at 300 pounds…  I look at them and EXPECT them to smile… and say hello… and they DO…  BUT what I’ve discovered is they do it when I’m NOT inviting it as well…..  a man held the door for me today at work and I didn’t even realize it I was too busy texting my hubby!

I’m not invisible now but I was at 300 pounds whether by design or happenstance I don’t know…  Maybe I would have had more attention had I dressed then the way I do now…

Yes I dress differently now… then I dressed for comfort…  occasionally we got dressed up… but I had to settle for what I could find that fit… and that covered.    Shoes, even dress shoes were FLATS..  pants were elastic waist more often than not… with over blouses to hide the tummy…..  there was no waist to show off… daily.. no make up… make up was for dressy events only….

NOW… heels, slacks or skirts… tucked in fitted shirts.. jackets or sweaters…  and MAKE UP daily and CONTACTS not glasses…   so yeah the wrapping is shiny now… so that’s different… and because that’s different I feel different and because I feel different I ACT different… I don’t THINK differently but I am different.  I’m still Nessa.  I’m not the “new and improved Nessa”  I’m still just me… and I still THINK the same…  but how I respond has changed… and I’m not sure how I feel about that….

Would I have had that fight with my friend if I was still 300 pounds… maybe… would my husband have backed me the way he did… I doubt it. He’s changed too… but I would have FELT the same way…  so what does that say…

oh well enough ranting and raving…

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TGIFriday!

more randomness….

here are the kids from last night… taken with my cell phone

so i guess this is the current fav picture of them… Matt’s using it as his avatar on facebook!

My hubby bless his heart is feeling left out… no clue why I love him more than ever… and I think I’ve spent time with him but maybe not…  hard to see your own life when you are living it….    I think that’s why I enjoy having the kids around so much… I can WATCH them learn to be a couple.  I can WATCH them fall in love… and be in love… and it’s darling… they are so good together…

the gym was good today… one of the trainers winked at me as I ran laps… LOL…  yoga was good too.  I love yoga.

my weight is up a bit but I’m sure it’s water weight, I ate a lot yesterday… including popcorn… and chinese food for lunch…

well that’s all for now.

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RandomNESS but mostly about the kids………

Just feeling like I should post something.

Life has changed in so many ways

Brian is FIVE POUNDS from losing 200 pounds.  He was 282 this morning.. so he wants to go back to the gym.  I think his plan is to come back on the 15th but I plan to go with Matt.  I like working out with him.   He makes me RUN and that feels GOOD and it’s good for me… I don’t lift with him but I bet Bri will and that’s good for both of them!

Brian’s happy

I’m HAPPY

my daughter is happy

and we have Matt now.    he seems happy too!

so where do we go from here?  up and out I guess.

Moving him in to our house might seem weird and strange and unusual and it is even to me… BUT we seem to be finding our way as a non-traditional family.  He loves my daughter. My daughter loves him.  May they live long and love long… and stay happy….   Brian and I while stressing do like having him in our home.

And living the way we do, while suspect and odd, works for us.

and we are eating great.  THIS KID CAN COOK and he works hard to learn to make healthy stuff!

and the house is clean

and the best thing.. my daughter smiles and laughs… and she’s growing and maturing daily.

It’s on my mind a lot that they are playing house under our very noses and we not only indulge it we encourage it.  But it seems to be working…

where do we go from here?  I do not know…one day at a time…

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What a Difference A Year Makes…

Wow.   Today is one year to the day I had Roux-En-Y (RNY) surgery.  A year.   How the hell did that happen???   It’s been a wild Ride.

I have to go back and read journal entries to get all the details right.    Let’s talk about the here and now for a second.  Life is good.  I walk, I do yoga regularly, I can lift weights as needed and I have energy and stamina like I did not before. I can climb a flight of steps and not be out of breath.

I weighed 253 on my scale the morning of surgery. This morning I weighed 160.8   not quite to my goal but less than ten pounds away from it! So  I go back and I read stuff to figure this out.. I remember HATING the pre-surgery weight loss requirements.  Gained 6 gained 4 stayed the same lost 4 net gain of six pounds… really sad.  And it made me worry that I’d be a failure at it after WLS.

There are times I still FEEL like a failure… I mean here I am at a year out and NOT AT MY GOAL!   I’m at my doctor’s goal… but not mine.  What does that say to me or about me? I remember waiting waiting waiting… Waiting for the insurance to approve me… scared they would not… of course they did..

On July 7, 2009 I said this :  …oy will I ever be thin?  I have been eating fairly well.  I know i need to exercise but everything hurts.  the tops of my feet hurt, my muscles are cramping, I’m out of breath constantly.  If i don’t lose weight I can’t have WLS so I can lose weight… what a catch 22, if i could lose weight would I need WLS?    What strikes me about this post is not the part about losing weight,  it’s the part about the exercise… EVERYTHING hurts…   now I work out… hard… at least 3 days a week!  And I like it.  A LOT!

So I had surgery and I did fine.  I stayed one night in the hospital and came home.   I had nausea.  I had an allergy to the stuff they paint on you to make steri strips stick… I felt crummy.  I never had regret.  And once all that cleared up I healed pretty quickly. I was 253 on my scale the morning of surgery. And while I’ve kept a spread sheet of monthly weigh in results since surgery I don’t go all the way back to the beginning with the daily ones. Or even the weekly ones.

I didn’t start keeping track till mid December for some reason.

I do have notes like this:

12/7/09 down 33 pounds in 11 weeks

3/24/10 down 63 pounds in 6 months

By December I was working out regularly I’ve been consistently faithful with my supplements and I was pristine with my food for the first six months.

At 5 months out, I wrote a long piece and in it I talked about wanting to weigh 150 or even 146.   I was just under 200 at 197.5 or so. I still have a goal of 151 but I doubt I’ll ever see 146 without plastic surgery.  My skin is horrible. I have a lot of it. And it has a lot of subcutaneous fat.

It’s been an interesting journey and I’m sure it’s not over. I have made some good friends. I have good times. I feel good.  I still weigh 300 pounds in the matrix…  (you know how they say the way you see yourself in your mind is how you look in the matrix it’s residual self image and it’s a perfect way to describe how formerly fat people see themselves)

So yesterday in the shower, I noticed how I can feel my bones when I bathe.  I put my leg up to wash and there are curves, bones, and hollows that weren’t there a year ago.

Shopping is fun now not tiring; of course getting clothes that fit is interesting as you never know what size to try… before it used to be just get something big enough to cover you that was easy to put  on and comfy.  Comfort was the key… easy was the key… cause I would break a sweat just getting dressed in my size 26 pull on pants after a shower.  Now the shimmy involved in getting into the form fitting size 10  jeans is laughable… a nice way to start my day but still…

Would I do it again?   Yep.   Would I change anything? YEP I would have done it YEARS ago…

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what I look like after the gym

not pretty….after the gym before the shower...s0 why posted… well look at those calves… the DO NOT TOUCH

the body is proportional  the waist rather small

the butt NOT VISIBLE ON THE SIDES

the arms… nicely muscular

no double chin and YES those are metallic teal fingernails

I had just spent nearly 2 hours in the gym

1 hour on the treadmill

half an hour lifting

half an hour stretching.

who ever would have thunk that’s how I would WANT to spend a saturday morning…

go me!

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My first 5k…. and my sadness at my laziness

Sunday July 11, 2010 I was a few months past turning 50 and a few days away from being ten months out from my rebirth of RNY WLS…   The Thursday before I decided to participate in a 5k event.   I didn’t say RUN. I didn’t say RACE.  I said participate in an event… and that’s what I did.

My goal…   verbalized, my goal was to finish in 45 minutes.   Internally my goal was to FINISH AND NOT BE LAST….  I had NO clue how long it would take to complete.  I was not displeased with my finish time of 46:59.  I know that the RUNNING I did at the end… (which left me breathless with a throbbing chest) was the difference with that time.  I jogged a bit of the race… not as much as I could have.  Now I am sorry I did not push harder.

I wonder if I don’t  push myself hard enough.  Everyone seems so impressed with my effort but I rarely sweat at the gym and I rarely hurt or feel sore after a workout.  Maybe I’m lazy?  Maybe I could work harder? Maybe I should? Maybe that’s why I’ve not really lost weight since JUNE 26th!

Is it unrealistic to think that if  I’m eating 1700 or so calories a day and burning 2200 calories a day I should be losing right?  but NO… I’m not.  so what am I doing wrong?    being lazy I guess….

I could work harder

I could eat better.  Yes yes I could. I could eat fewer carbs. but they taste so yummy and go down so easily…

if i didn’t eat the carbs my calories would be way lower and my ability to learn to deal with real life later on much compromised.  If i don’t learn how to eat  7 chips now (pita chips or soy flax chips with protein not plain potato chips for noshing…) later on when I CAN eat the whole bag I just might…   As it is I hate limiting myself to 7 chips…

I am not sure I AM learning the habits the doctors say we need to make this work.  I am scared I am done.  I know if I ate pure protein and veggies and fruits… I’d lose… I would have no choice…  but would I live?

How do I want to live?   right now I can walk into any store and buy clothes.  I look ok in clothes.  I look sorta ok naked too… hubby’s pleased… I can do my yoga, I lift weights, I can walk an HOUR with no problem…. I can run a tiny bit… I WANT to run more…  I want to move more… I want I want I WANT.

what do I need….

my weight this morning 169… OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE…

my muscles… firm. defined.  but not strong. I still struggle to lift things in daily life… could be my knees who knows…

So do I accept that this is it.. this is my life… or do I shake it up… and if I shake it up… how do I shake it up???

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At what price success????

Ah July 1st where is this year going, where is this summer going?  Where is my life going?    New month, new beginning, scale talk, so many things in my brain today…  I am just past 9 months out from a Roux-en-y gastric bypass and I am struggling today with the fact that maybe I’m at the tail end of my easy time….  How sad this makes me..

How in the world could I be DONE at 9 months… and the non-reptilian part of my brain says “STUPID you’re NOT DONE”…. but then there is the  purely emotional part of me that says  OMG I lost less than TWO POUNDS for the entire CALENDAR MONTH OF JUNE 2010… I must be DONE….   ummm how about… just stalled.. And not even really stalled I lost .35 pounds per week over a 4 week period.  NOT quite half a pound but it’s still A LOSS… RIGHT?   Who am I trying to convince??  WHAT am I trying to convince myself of?  And WHO am I being competitive with?  Probably me, myself and I….

Ok I admit it.  I wanna be a skinny bitch. Totally.  I wanna be a size 8.  I admit it.  I want a flat belly…  NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I actually considered ever so briefly the other day that 128 would be a good weight for me.  Then reality hits me like a cold wet slap in the face… I may be 5’2” but I’m still about 170 pounds and a size 12… and I console myself with the fact that it’s VANITY sizing. I want to be Marilyn Monroe Size 12…not this stupid size 12 is the old size 16 crap….

Why do I let the scale rule my mind?  Why in the world do I say I’m a FAILURE because I lost  XX or DIDN”T lose XX in a particular CALENDAR month….

And that’s all it is the CALENDAR MONTH…

I look at what I’ve lost from my HEAVIEST known weight.  I use 286 which was my scale at home. I am sure I was heavier at one point.  I do recall the doc had me once at 293 but that was a long time ago and my records are not showing that… but I remember it…  and I count 253 from the morning of surgery as my start weight for this current adventure… 100 pounds would be so cool to lose.  My goal of 151 would make it 102… and 128 would be 125 pounds even… I get goose bumps thinking about that.  It’s got to be unrealistic for me to think I could weigh 128.  I have 111 pounds currently of lean body mass… I need about 41 pounds of fat… so I should weigh about 152…. Or thereabouts… 128 is INSANE… so  I’m down 116 from my solid heaviest.  I’m about 20 pounds from GOAL or am I 42 pounds from goal???  There is no way I could maintain 128… there is no way I will look HEALTHY at 128… but my brain says.. TRY IT… just TRY IT SEE HOW you look… as it is I think my face is starting to look a bit gaunt and I still insist on losing 20 pounds.  OF course my body may have other ideas and I may be done.  Which is what I feel is where I am.  NOW I know it’s a stall. I know that I’m probably not done… but I’m SCARED that I’m done.  I DON”T WANNA BE DONE!   I wanna be a skinny bitch…

So how do I reconcile what society tells me about my weight with feeling good, looking good and doing the right thing…

Right now I don’t feel so good.. My left hamstring hurts.  Why?  Cause I was RUNNING on Tuesday and I pulled it a bit… RUNNING… not jogging, not WALKING… RUNNING… OMG… who ever thought I would WANT TO RUN!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!  But I do.  I like it.  My brain likes it.  My right side hurts a lot too but that’s chronic and annoying more than anything and I just deal with it.  Same with my horrible terrible no good very bad knees… torn meniscus on the left, arthritis on the right… here I am stuck in the middle with me…  BUT how much worse would I be if I hadn’t lost over 100 pounds or gotten my fat tush to the gym nearly EVERY DAY.  I go to the gym and work out not because of how I feel when I am doing it but how I feel the next morning.  I am able to move and bend most of the time fairly easily… and I know if I was not working out I’d be stiff and sore all the time…  So I feel pretty good… better than I did a year ago.

But then I wonder am I eating right?  I mean the calories I burn are about 2200 most days.  I think I should burn more but I seem to be burning less and less… this makes me cry…  Why is it on HARD workout days I still only burn about 2300 calories… WHAT am I doing WRONG???  OR am I just so damn short I have no choice.    UGH… good things come in small packages…. I wanna be taller so I can weigh more…. If I was taller I’d be DONE…  It sucks REALLY…

I mean the Go Wear Fit says I show a HUGE calorie deficit (over 900 per day on average)… so why am I NOT losing?? Maybe I’m not eating enough?   I can’t help but think I’m not eating enough… I don’t know what to think…  I just feel like crying.

I’m truly insane however… I’m having an average loss of 8 pounds a month or about 2 pounds a week… it’s NOT SHABBY. And I was told I ‘glow” that I look healthy… I was told yesterday that I “get more beautiful EVERY DAY”… so why oh why am I so defeated?

Why am I so scared I’m done.  Why do I feel like such a failure… do I need to just keep on keeping on or do I need to shake it up… how do I decide.. is 2 pounds enough of  a loss to say I’m still losing???

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9 months later…. a new life…

NOT a baby… no no no…  Today is my NINE MONTH SURGIVERSAY… yep 9 months ago today I was in surgery.  It’s amazing how fast it goes.   This is an idea of my day now:

ok here’s the daily report:

scale: 172.4 this is:

down 1.6 from yesterday
up .8 from last tuesday
down 5 pounds from a month ago ( my surgical monthly report shows that I’m LOW average this month)
down .6 for the entire MONTH of JUNE

down 80.4 from surgery date which is just under 9 pounds per month… ugh.  I wish it was more.

oh and I’m down 113.4 from the heaviest on my home scale.  wow that’s almost a whole person.

basically the TREND is good… and isn’t that what matters?

fashion: blue crop pants with the blue flowered top, diamond drop earrings (hair is up today so that’s an important point) white sandals. going to be mid 90s today… we are going to hit 100 on Thursday it appears…

exercise: after work… will ATTEMPT the first C25K podcast today IF the ankle settles down. it has been going out the last two days. the chip is moving and it hurts to dorsi-flex (toes to shin) the joint and sometimes when I step it locks which HURTS badly… when the chip is stationary the ankle is JUST fine… I don’t know if it’s PMS related or weather related or just random but I do know it’s a pain… the knees (thank FSM) are just fine today…. I will also do some weight work and my stretching today

food:

commute: click/milk/protein/coffee  (this is the daily breakfast 99.9% of the time)
snack: yogurt
lunch: cottage cheese w/cucumber and tomato pita puffs (salty little puffs of air with minimal nutritional value)
snack: cheese and banana (pre-workout)
dinner: something cool…. it’s HOT….
LNS: fudge pop probably

this is a pretty typical day for me.

of course I wake up around 5 am (and loll in bed about 15 minutes with dogs and hubby)

i get up

I potty  (and hope that the colace, magnesium oxide and benefiber of the day before worked)

I brush my teeth

I get on the scale NAKED…. while I may weigh more than ONCE I only count the first weigh.  I would say 99% of the time.  Occasionally it’s way to whacked out (too low or too high) to be accurate….so I reweigh to find something closer to the day before.

today is not a gym MORNING (it is however a gym DAY) so I shower and dress for the office and take the gym bag with the gear with me for after work.   In fact,  almost EVERY day is a gym day now…  who would have ever thought I would love going to the gym.  I wish my knees and ankle were happier with me about it… and I wish my butt/back/piraformis did not hurt so much… but I wonder how bad it would be if I didn’t go to the gym almost daily.

Yes I am in the gym pretty much everyday.  I usually skip either Saturday or Sunday (usually Sunday) but this past week I skipped Saturday.  AND if I don’t have plans and bri is racing I might go both days anyway.  I am thinking of trying the Couch to 5k but I worry that I’m doing too much with my ankle and bad knees… Yes KNEES… the left knee has a torn meniscus and a misplaced Baker’s Cyst… the right knee.. arthritis.   so not cool… so not happy about this.  oh and my ankle is acting up again…

It does not stop me from hitting the gym. I love Yoga. I love the stretch, I like to lift, I even like to run but my body takes a pounding….

Food is a bit more complicated.  I eat more fat and carbs and calories than you would think I should but less than the gowear fit thinks i should.   Maybe that’s why I’m stalled this month.

Yes I lost 5 pounds during the surgical month of 5/22-6/22 but I’ve lost NOTHING for the month of June. and that makes me sad and frustrated.  It’s not abnormal.  It could be from eating too many carbs, it could be from not eating enough food.  it could be from not drinking enough water, it could be from many things or nothing at all.. who knows.

all i can do is keep moving forward… can’t believe it’s been 9 months now… wow.

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Musings…

I swear I need a tape recorder for the gym…I think of such wonderful things to write about while doing my walk on the track… and I am SURE I am going to remember them but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  they are GONE before I get to the locker room…

maybe a note pad… I don’t think i can listen to music and make voice recordings at the same time..

The scale was UP today.   2.2 pounds worth of UP…. that sucks ya know  I only saw it once but I already liked 173.  Oh well I guess 175.2 isn’t bad.  just glad i never said I OWNED 175… just renting it…   I just wonder if even though I say the scale does not affect me it does?

I mean yesterday I felt thin and light and fluffy and cute… today I feel fat. and I’m not it’s 2 pounds of water for god’s sake.  it has to be water.  I ate very little yesterday.  I wonder about this food in food out stuff… I mean my gowear fit says I”m generating around an 850 calorie deficit on average…  I guess I am that’s about 6 pounds lost and that’s about what I’ve lost….

why is  this such a slow process?  why do we go up 2 down one up 3 down 1 up 2 down 3?  I hate it.  I wish there was a rhyme or reason to it… there is not.

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