3/2/2010…  Yoga and Eating and Body Dysmorpia OH MY….

So many things I want to talk about today…

Let’s start with positive stuff…

DO YOU YOGA?

I have discovered that loving yoga is very very (at least for me) dependent on the instructor and the class size. I prefer a smaller easier paced interesting class.  AND I prefer MORNINGS.  Go figure.  When the heck did I become a MORNING person???

Anyway, the afternoon classes at my gym are full; VERY full (about 40 people) while the morning classes are about 10 people or so.  Maybe 13 if it’s crowded.   Also Tammie my wonderful trainer teaches it two days a week and Michelle teaches it on Wednesday mornings… I LOVED class today and I look forward to Yoga days even though I have to work till 6 those nights…

What do I like about the Wednesday morning yoga class?  Well for one I like the instructor.  She’s NOT young. She’s not SKINNY, She’s got scars and wounds and boo-boos and she gets that so do we.  But boy can she move… and bend and twist.  Boy is she fit.    And her voice is gentle and lilting and she explains things… why we do them and how to do them…

Also the flow of the class is great.  First we stretch EVERYTHING and that feels so good…. Then we do the individual components of the flow we are going to do and that helps the body remember what we are doing… Then we do the actual flow and that’s the hardest part. Sometimes I want to QUIT but because the class is so small I can’t HIDE and do that so I suck it up and do my best. After two or three reps of the flow it’s back to stretching and then Shavasana

I actually FELL DOWN in class this morning… just fell RIGHT OUT of the pose…  CRASHED to the ground…. How embarrassing.  We were doing some interesting poses that I had never done before called Dragons and I loved them they were not HARD but they were a lot of twisting and moving.   We did them instead of the ‘regular’ sun salutations.  I just am a klutzy, confused kind of yogi… and it showed.

BUT, the key was I showed up. I did it and it felt GOOD.   AND I WANNA GO BACK!  AND I find that I’m starting to PUSH myself a bit harder in the gym than I did.  I like that light pain of the stretch, the feel of the heart rate going up when I’m doing cardio on the Arc Trainer.   I look forward to my time with Tammie, my trainer.  (I call her evil trainer woman or Tammie the torturer but gad she’s AWESOME and she’s really helped me push myself just a little bit…

But I digress and I want to get back to yoga.  I was getting a bit lightheaded in class.  It could have been from the CLICK I had this morning for the first time.  Or that I was dehydrated, or hungry, or my blood pressure was dropping.   I actually spoke to the nutritionist at my doctor’s office this morning because at one point I had to do Child’s Pose to get myself together.   Sloane seems to think it could have been DUMPING because the click has 7 grams of sugar.  OY do not get me started on DUMPING.   I don’t dump.  I wish I did.   Maybe I’ll start.  It would be nice.  What is dumping?  I’ll write something up on that later…

So there you have it, I went to yoga and I loved it.  I would do yoga every morning if I could… It’s just not the same if I do it at night… I’m not sure why.  But I’m betting it’s the class and the feel of the gym in the A.M. Now I’ve been doing yoga for a while and a few years ago I was doing it a lot and I liked it then… but as of recently I’m finding my YOGA groove…  and it’s GREAT..

I SCREAM YOU SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM….

for ice cream???    Naw but food is an issue.  And before we talk about Body Dysmorphia I want to talk about food… I love food.  A LOT.  I mean after all I did not get to be nearly 300 pounds because I don’t like to eat.   But I like CRUNCH and I’m missing POPCORN….  So I’ve started eating crackers.  NOW mind you crackers are allowed.  And I’m eating high protein low fat good for you crackers (in the APPROPRIATE amounts with appropriate protein accompaniments) such as Glen Soy or Wasa crackers and that’s FINE.  Ranesa (the LCSW) said so.  Sloane (the nutritionist) said so.  I  KNOW so; and yet I have GUILT about these foods.

I should NOT have GUILT about food.  FOOD is not good or bad.  It just IS.  Or at least it should be. Shouldn’t it? I mean after all, we NEED food to survive.  But we also enjoy it right? Is this a punishment I inflicted on myself?  NO I don’t think so.  I sometimes think that because BRIAN is not eating crackers at all.   I know this is my journey and not his but it’s hard to not compare since he had his surgery 5 WEEKS before I had mine.  Or maybe it’s because so many of the online support folks I know eschew carbs in all shapes and forms.  Or perhaps it’s the doctor’s orders that we not have BREAD, RICE or PASTA for six months.

I did read that after 6 months we can have up to 4 oz a day of this stuff.   Well let me tell you that FOUR oz of soy crisps is A LOT of soy crisps.  I may go home and measure it out… just to see.  They weigh like NOTHING.   So I’ve not been losing weight and I wonder if it’s from adding the crackers.   I mean I know I need the carbs and it’s not like I’m eating a candy bar or ice cream…  (Both things I loved before surgery.)

So I’m trying to wrap my brain around just what I should be eating.  I’m trying to figure out how to make this work.  I’m scared to fail and I think that’s the biggest issue.   I do not want to fail at this.  I mean if I fail at Weight Loss Surgery what’s LEFT???

I wonder if it’s guilt or FEAR.

FEAR that I may not be able to stop. FEAR that I’ll revert back to being a HUGE FAT person again  (but wait how can I think that when I already think I’m a huge fat person even though I’m down  NINETY POUNDS from my heaviest and FIFTY SEVEN pounds since surgery?!?!?!) OH wait.. That leads us to:

WHO’S THAT GIRL IN THE MIRROR???

<DEEP SIGH> I left the best for last.  I mean how to tackle this topic and not sound like a total loon…  I’ve lost a lot of weight.  I used to wear a tight size 26 I really needed a 28 but in May 2006 I started South Beach Diet and lost over 80 pounds…  I kept that off till October of 2008… but I NEVER got below 206 pounds…  And then Bagel died and I gained and gained and gained.  I was up around 271 and wearing size 24 and they were getting tight.  I got down to 253 for the morning of surgery and now I’m about 196 or so…  NOT skinny by any stretch of the imagination but at a lower weight than I could ever imagine since I was in my very early 30s..   AND YET, (she says ominously) I feel HUGE sometimes.  I feel like a total failure sometimes.   I look at myself in the mirror and I’m in awe of me… and sometimes I look in the mirror and I’m in awe of that cute lady with the cute curly red hair and the WAIST.. I mean who is she… cause damn she’s not me…  I’m a FAT CHICK.   I’m the chick that has to turn sideways to fit through doors.   I’m the girl at the table because I don’t fit in a booth.  I’m the girl who breaks chairs…  I see me in the mirror and I know on the surface it’s ME but when I’m not looking at me in the mirror (and I do it often because I’m AMAZED it’s me not because I’m vain) I have my mind’s eye that I’m still HUGE  and size 26.  I guess in the Matrix I’d be huge since that’s my self image.

There are so many things I don’t know how to deal with.  I don’t know how to know if I’m eating right.  I don’t know how to make sure I eat to lose weight because with WLS eating is different. We focus on protein so much that I don’t really get veggies much.  I miss them.  Sometimes I can eat more than others.   It’s hard to find a balance. I struggle with food. I struggle with image. I  think I’m punking out in yoga class cause I step out of the pose but  I’M TRYING and that’s better than a year ago.

So   I don’t know how to see me as I really am and I’m not sure I’ll EVER find that out.  I know good foods.  I know that it’s a matter of calories in vs. calories out.  At least it’s supposed to be.  You would think that with 1000 calories per day about I’d be losing a lot more weight…  Tis a puzzlement…

Good Morning!

up at 5 am and it’s SNOWING in Baltimore.   and BLOWING… oy the wind is really bad.  I don’t mind snowing but I HATE blowing.. I hate WIND… hate it hate it hate it.

Well anyway I was up, i folded a few items of clothing and helped brian get going this morning.  he’s frustrated he’s up two pounds. I told him it’s water weight and he’s stressed and retaining water from his injuries but  he doesn’t believe me.   I wish I could make Brian love Brian.  I wish there was a magic pill.  There is not, sadly.

Anyway, after Bri left for work, I grabbed a quick shower and hit the GYM.  I did 30 minutes on the Arc Trainer at Strength level 4 which is a tough workout for me… then I took Tammie’s 7 am yoga class.  I did not feel like I was doing so great in the class… I fell out of postures and needed to break 2 times during the class.  but I know I’m better than I was 6 months ago…

I managed to get to work by 8:30 which is great.  I will hopefully have lunch with Angie today.  NOT sure where we are going yet..

Did I mention that I signed us up for the STEAMPUNK WORLD’S FAIR in Piscataway NJ in May?  Brian and I are going for the weekend…  Steampunk is my new passion…   not sure what I am going to do with it yet as I’m just into the fashion and form part of it at this point.  Seems rather shallow of me.

Well well well I never post here.  I’m so busy over at Obesity Help ‘s RNY board that I just never get over here.  And I should.  This is my attention whore place is it not?

So let’s see… weight loss sucks.  I have to stay off the scale.  Seriously.  I’ve lost around 30 pounds in 10 weeks.  now this is not bad…. and I should be THRILLED.  but I’m not.  I want a regular steady loss NOT an average.  I know i’m averaging over 3 pounds a week but STILL… ARRGGHHH…

I’m in the gym.  IN fact, I see the trainer 2 times a week and I take yoga at least once a week.   And I’m doing CARDIO too.  ugh.

Potty issues abound.   I take COLACE and Fiber but it’s not as helpful as I would like.

I just wish I knew I was doing ok…

well hi there.  tuesday was surgery.  i cried in the preop room the heprin stung.  i was stressed.  I got weighed at the hospital.  the nurse said  ‘it’s in his orders I’ve NEVER seen that before.”  wow… wonderful..  yay me.

I remember being wheeled somewhere… then I remember waking up in recovery… NO Memories of anything else…..

I was not in recovery long, then up to a private room.

brian stayed most of the day.  dilauded makes me itch and it makes me nauseous.

while i love my doctor the nursing staff is so overwhelmed I had to sit in a chair for 2.5 hours before someone came to me. and i asked for help.  after shift change it was hours before i met my nurse….  this is wrong.  just totally wrong….

angie bless her heart.. stayed with me all of wednesday we walked  laps  2 laps twice.  I was home by dinner time the day after surgery.

not drinking enough.

emptied the JP drain once, they did not give me the cup to measure so I had to make one.

it got hot here now…  figures.  so i switched to shorts for today.   I need a shower.  maybe brian will help me with one tonite…

just rambling here.   I’ll try to remember to clean it up later.

June 5, 2009 7:40 a.m.

It’s been a long time, getting from there to here  (yes a star trek reference)….

I’ve been lax in so many things but TODAY is a new day.

Yesterday we went to see Sloane, the nutritionalist for Dr. Von Rueden.  Brian bless his heart lost another 11 pounds.  he’s lost 19 total.  I’m really proud of him.  I stayed the same. Everyone but me seems to think this is a good thing. I think it sucks.  I know i’ve been good.  NOT pefect but much better.  All I needed was half a pound… HALF a POUND…. and oops I got NUTHIN’ oh well.

Folks suggested that maybe I wanted to get a new doctor. That didn’t seem right and I thought more about it.   Some doctors do not require you to lose weight or anything other than what your insurance requires.  Since our insurance requires nothing, I’d probably already be done if I had gone to another doctor…. but this having to lose weight to have surgery is a good thing.  It really is.  In the long run,  it really does teach me something.  I mean i know how to lose weight, i have to learn to do it all the time full time for ever and ever AMEN…

Not happy but compliant.  what else can I do.   So today I’m back on track food wise AND I reactivated my gym membership and my gym bag is packed and I”m headed to the pool after work.

Good Morning!  (Don’t you hear Debbie Donald and GENE?)

I guess I have to fix it when I get home!  NOTE TO SELF: FIX YOUTUBE LINK!

today is going to be spring like.  still a bit damp this morning.  I got to work and signed 6:15.   it’s a long walk from the parking lot to the security building through the guard station, back outside, down the steps throught he double set of doors, past another guard then then through the turnstile.

Scale was UP this morning.  251.4  I MUST get a hold of myself!  I was pretty good yesterday except for lunch.   Today brian said he would get something to eat.  always makes me nervous.

I’m quitting the gym.  it’s 98 dollars a month that i’m NOT using at this point.  I’m walking the link at work and i have some light weights, an exercise bike and a wii fit at home.  I need to save some money!  I think after brian’s surgery and he’s ready we will join as a couple.

Hannah is sick again. I have to call the vet.  there’s another $140 dollars.  Maybe we can try a different CHEAPER antibiotic!   Her last one was $63.00 for 14 pills!  and she didn’t even like them that much.

Bri is going racing tonite… and tomorrow and maybe sunday.  tomorrow night i’m going out with friends…

oh well time to work!

ETA:

Hannah has the vet at 11:15 so I’m leaving work at 10:30 taking BOTH dogs to the vet because I’m afraid to leave Harley alone in the house with no one home.

And goodness who am I turning into?  I’m coming back!

Still have rumblings of discontent.  So hard to be permanently perfectly happy in life.   Gray overcast and rainy today.   I’m hoping I can update the blog daily but I know as i get healthier and busier that the web will have to fall by the wayside.

Starting to really get into walking on the link with Lew  (HI LEW).  One of my better buddies at work!  Yesterday we did 4 laps (I count it as a mile) and then we did 8 laps later in the day (that’s 2 miles)  I guess I’ll need to add one extra lap with the second walk to make it a full 3 miles…  hopefully eventually I can do 8 laps in the morning and 9 laps in the afternoon and have 4 miles per day.  Makes me think at least for a while I can give up the gym.  Save some money.  I think my contract is over for now.   Even is we give it up 6 months that’s 600 dollars.. big savings.

Today Brian and I visit the Pulmonary Doctor as a step towards being approved for WLS.  A tad nervous but not really.  Just a bit stressed as Brian gets stressed and that stresses me.

I have to leave work at 9 and have no idea when i’ll be back but i guess I’m working till 6 tonite to make up for it.

HUGE:  we are NOT having Chicken for dinner.   LOL.   nope  just beef.  I’m thinking  beef, rice, cheese beans and salsa in a casserole.    Something like this but no tortilla topping just the casserole part:

I am always amazed when folks think I’m a good cook.  I’m not.  not really.

oh well, maybe more later….