Ah July 1^st where is this year going, where is this summer going?  Where is my life going?    New month, new beginning, scale talk, so many things in my brain today…  I am just past 9 months out from a Roux-en-y gastric bypass and I am struggling today with the fact that maybe I’m at the tail end of my easy time….  How sad this makes me..

How in the world could I be DONE at 9 months… and the non-reptilian part of my brain says “STUPID you’re NOT DONE”…. but then there is the  purely emotional part of me that says  OMG I lost less than TWO POUNDS for the entire CALENDAR MONTH OF JUNE 2010… I must be DONE….   ummm how about… just stalled.. And not even really stalled I lost .35 pounds per week over a 4 week period.  NOT quite half a pound but it’s still A LOSS… RIGHT?   Who am I trying to convince??  WHAT am I trying to convince myself of?  And WHO am I being competitive with?  Probably me, myself and I….

Ok I admit it.  I wanna be a skinny bitch. Totally.  I wanna be a size 8.  I admit it.  I want a flat belly…  NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I actually considered ever so briefly the other day that 128 would be a good weight for me.  Then reality hits me like a cold wet slap in the face… I may be 5’2” but I’m still about 170 pounds and a size 12… and I console myself with the fact that it’s VANITY sizing. I want to be Marilyn Monroe Size 12…not this stupid size 12 is the old size 16 crap….

Why do I let the scale rule my mind?  Why in the world do I say I’m a FAILURE because I lost  XX or DIDN”T lose XX in a particular CALENDAR month….

And that’s all it is the CALENDAR MONTH…

I look at what I’ve lost from my HEAVIEST known weight.  I use 286 which was my scale at home. I am sure I was heavier at one point.  I do recall the doc had me once at 293 but that was a long time ago and my records are not showing that… but I remember it…  and I count 253 from the morning of surgery as my start weight for this current adventure… 100 pounds would be so cool to lose.  My goal of 151 would make it 102… and 128 would be 125 pounds even… I get goose bumps thinking about that.  It’s got to be unrealistic for me to think I could weigh 128.  I have 111 pounds currently of lean body mass… I need about 41 pounds of fat… so I should weigh about 152…. Or thereabouts… 128 is INSANE… so  I’m down 116 from my solid heaviest.  I’m about 20 pounds from GOAL or am I 42 pounds from goal???  There is no way I could maintain 128… there is no way I will look HEALTHY at 128… but my brain says.. TRY IT… just TRY IT SEE HOW you look… as it is I think my face is starting to look a bit gaunt and I still insist on losing 20 pounds.  OF course my body may have other ideas and I may be done.  Which is what I feel is where I am.  NOW I know it’s a stall. I know that I’m probably not done… but I’m SCARED that I’m done.  I DON”T WANNA BE DONE!   I wanna be a skinny bitch…

So how do I reconcile what society tells me about my weight with feeling good, looking good and doing the right thing…

Right now I don’t feel so good.. My left hamstring hurts.  Why?  Cause I was RUNNING on Tuesday and I pulled it a bit… RUNNING… not jogging, not WALKING… RUNNING… OMG… who ever thought I would WANT TO RUN!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!  But I do.  I like it.  My brain likes it.  My right side hurts a lot too but that’s chronic and annoying more than anything and I just deal with it.  Same with my horrible terrible no good very bad knees… torn meniscus on the left, arthritis on the right… here I am stuck in the middle with me…  BUT how much worse would I be if I hadn’t lost over 100 pounds or gotten my fat tush to the gym nearly EVERY DAY.  I go to the gym and work out not because of how I feel when I am doing it but how I feel the next morning.  I am able to move and bend most of the time fairly easily… and I know if I was not working out I’d be stiff and sore all the time…  So I feel pretty good… better than I did a year ago.

But then I wonder am I eating right?  I mean the calories I burn are about 2200 most days.  I think I should burn more but I seem to be burning less and less… this makes me cry…  Why is it on HARD workout days I still only burn about 2300 calories… WHAT am I doing WRONG???  OR am I just so damn short I have no choice.    UGH… good things come in small packages…. I wanna be taller so I can weigh more…. If I was taller I’d be DONE…  It sucks REALLY…

I mean the Go Wear Fit says I show a HUGE calorie deficit (over 900 per day on average)… so why am I NOT losing?? Maybe I’m not eating enough?   I can’t help but think I’m not eating enough… I don’t know what to think…  I just feel like crying.

I’m truly insane however… I’m having an average loss of 8 pounds a month or about 2 pounds a week… it’s NOT SHABBY. And I was told I ‘glow” that I look healthy… I was told yesterday that I “get more beautiful EVERY DAY”… so why oh why am I so defeated?

Why am I so scared I’m done.  Why do I feel like such a failure… do I need to just keep on keeping on or do I need to shake it up… how do I decide.. is 2 pounds enough of  a loss to say I’m still losing???

On Scales, Calories, Input, Emotions, and Insanity…

Maybe I should just call this the insane post of the day.  Because, I am insane.  I am nuts.  WHY do I give a hunk of metal SO MUCH FREAKING POWER???  Why do I, WHEN I look the same as I did yesterday or last week, think I’m so much fatter just because the SCALE says I am?  WHY do I give it power?  It’s evil, I need to stay off of it.

Thankfully, I am not so insane as to alter workout or eating patterns because of a blip on my scale radar… but STILL…it affects my mood…. I mean I’m wearing a CUTE outfit today… blue sundress, blue jersey jacket… great earrings… HEELS… and yet in the back of my mind I’m FAT FAT FAT… but I’m not.  It’s water… it has to be…. I mean what else could it be, According to my GoWear Fit I’m over the last week generating about 1000 per day DEFICIT so shouldn’t I be DOWN 2 pounds this week NOT UP????

It does make me mad. It makes me sad. It frustrates me.   But I refuse to let it get me down. I mean what choice do I have?  I can’t go back to eating the way I was eating pre-op, Oscar would not handle it well. And I don’t WANT to stop working out as I feel so much better doing the yoga and the weights…  I even can run a bit now… although my knee kills me afterwards…

I see folks on the board on OH eating under 1000 calories per day at the same level I’m at and I wonder if I’m doing something wrong with my 1680 daily…. It makes my head hurt to think about this.  The GOWEAR fit says I should be eating 1681 a day… that seems like A LOT for a WLS person less than a year out… but I think that perhaps a few years down the road it will hold me in good stead as I don’t struggle with having to hold my calories at 1200 a day to maintain.  I want to be able to eat like a normal person later on…. I eat like a normal person NOW… just smaller amounts.

Yesterday I had Soy CHIPS.. LOTS of salt.  I had leftover Quodoba burrito bowl more SALT… and I had a lot of it at 9:30 right before bed… so I guess I can’t be mad.  I also REALLY need to potty… oy vey this potty thing is getting to me…

WHY do I second guess myself???

So much to talk about… so much on my mind…

I got my GO WEAR Fit yesterday from my friend Katie..  and I charged it and synced it with my laptop at home (and i can look at the reports at work) I put it on last night but it was after dinner and working out…I did sleep with it but I haven’t synced it so I’ll see tonite.   Some folks don’t put their food in. I may or may not on a daily basis but I will for a few days at least…

I’m still figuring out the display and the armband thing with it.  Putting the armband on is no big deal… wearing it is no big deal… in fact you can’t even tell I have it on today… and it doesn’t bother me… I hope it helps.  I did take a one year subscription and it doesn’t seem too bad.. it will be interesting to see what happens.

This morning while I was on the elliptical (finishing up 20 minutes of cardio (and I worked hard at it) the darn display beeped at me to tell me that My moderate goal was met.  I have tried to look it up and I can’t find it.  oh well I’ll ask around over on OH… I then took a kick ass yoga class with tammie.  I held a tree today. I still wobble badly at tree with a kickstand because of the closed eyes.  I can do a beautiful modified half moon and my child’s pose is improving.   I can do half moon on the left much easier than on the right…

The point is yoga class rocked today and I worked up a nice sweat…

I’ve noticed in the last few days especially I’ve hit a new point.   Yesterday I felt THIN… this morning I feel NORMAL… and it seems that  all the women at the gym that used to find me invisible no longer do…. Now this may be a function of the fact that they see me 5 times a week consistently or it may be a function of the fact that I no longer have that FAT chick appearance…   I don’t know.  I’m not sure I want to know.

What I do know is that I am loving the gym.   I love going, I love how I feel when I’m done. I actually liked sweating today.   Who’d have thunk it ya know…

Why is it that when I think about things they sound so profound and then when I go to write them they seem so trivial.

Hi OH HI….  Hello….  HI THERE!   (do you speak dog?  cause that’s how I talk to the pups…)

It’s THURSDAY…. a bright sun-shiny spring day in Baltimore… which is about as good as I can come up with.

Today is LUNCH WITH THE BFF…  that’s how the invite came…   love that girl. have for nearly 20 years…. long before she loved me I knew we would be buds… she’s saved my life a few times in every sense of the word…   I would travel almost anywhere for her…  oh wait, I have….  the ADD tour of the south 2 summers ago was one of my favorite vacations ever.   TEN days in a VAN with her… driving from city to city to get some furniture to her darling daughter in TEXAS….  this trip involved a pilgrimage to GRACELAND… oh and drunk dialing my darling husband from NOLA  but that’s another story for another time…

So there was a blow up at southbeachfriends yesterday.  My fault.  Truly.  I was snarky.   Yes I was.   BUT I really feel that I was snarky BACK.    The key is at least I ADMIT to being a bitch….  an evil SNARKY bitch while those that I snarked at think they did nothing wrong.  How sad for those that live in imaginary worlds where they are wanted.  NO ONE BELONGS WHERE THEY’RE NOT WANTED  (I’ve got that song on right now… What You Didn’t Say) I love Mary Chapin Carpenter and have for years and years and years.   She was my gateway to Country Music.

Who invented the word SNARKY???  it’s such a good word.   Ok I looked it up. It’s a 1906 british slang term from  1866 SNARK…  meaning irritable who knew?   I thought it was an internet thing…  as now it’s used to mean a cranky response… as in  NESSA was SNARKY to  <insert the name of whomever I was snarky to today> when she said <insert my most passive/aggressive mean spirited comment here>.

Sadly for folks  I’m always snarky when I OWN THE SITE and can do so.     What’s really sad is that I’m not even going to the site today.   Not cause I’m afraid to see what was said   who the hell cares what they think.  I’m not going because I’m waiting to calm down enough to just be able to say “WHATEVER” to them.

The truth is there are several people at  SBF that I don’t want there but since I can’t see a reason to remove them other than I don’t like their motives, I can’t justify it.  At least not in my mind.    Not that they don’t think I will remove them.  AND that is the KEY to why they are the way they are.  THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHO  I AM OR WHAT I’M ABOUT.  How sad for them.

I know there are webmasters that rule with an iron fist and it’s my way or the highway… and they seem to think that I’m censoring them.   ummm  NO!  Censoring them would mean I delete their posts and deactivate their accounts.      Some of them are even attempting to  set up ‘reading accounts’  in the fear that I will deactivate them.   I f that’s what they think they need to do, I can understand why I don’t want them there, because they don’t grasp that although I totally disagree with their thought patterns, their beliefs and their motives, I will allow them their delusions and freedom AT THAT SITE.  Yes I will.   Truth be told,  while I OWN it.  it’s not MINE… THIS IS MINE.   I delete users here daily.   I moderate EVERY SINGLE POST here.  and will continue to do so….  Aaron and I are the ONLY moderators here.  But the SBF site,  well  their belief that I censor is just ludicrous.

I know I’m going to have to go to the site soon.  I know i have to deal with this insanity.   Today I do not. Today is send the Critical Patch letter day at work.  Today is not a good day for me to play with whiners.

Today’s health report:

There was no dinner last night there was noshing… half a protein bar, have a protein tidbit, got home had some imitation crab and some bacon horseradish cheddar then ate  pudding, banana strawberries and chopped pecans with whipped cream… oy such a diet…   but there was serious exercise yesterday…half an hour on the arc trainer,  an hour of yoga that left my knee hurting so badly I have an appointment with  the ortho knee guy on Tuesday… probably to ask about a brace since today the knee is feeling much better… yesterday I thought for sure I was going to need surgery. I know i have a misplaced Baker’s Cyst and a partially torn meniscus which may or may not now be totally torn due to use…  SERIOUS use…  Yoga three times a week is really stressing the knee but I need the YOGA so I can walk the rest of the week…. and to keep my brain sane…  I do have some transfer addiction clearly…

I would do a yoga class every morning if they offered it at the gym…

oh the scale this morning:  185.4.   amazing.  it was 189 when i went to bed.  WHY I got on the scale last night I have no idea.   but i did and i expected 187 or so this morning… Yay me!

today:

commute:  click/designer whey/milk/coffee

breakfast:   none

lunch:  applebees with donna

snack:  cheese or protein bar or both half a banana

dinner:  no clue

snack:  dried fruit I”m sure no potty this morning.

I did not think that I would change. I really truly thought I would stay
the same at least on the inside. I mean I was friendly, I was outgoing,
I was smart and funny and personable. I’m the same person. At least I
think I’m the same person. I wanted to stay the same person. I don’t’
think I can. I say the same things. BUT they are taken differently now.
They have a different impact. Dressing has changed. Walking has changed.
Shopping has changed. Friends have changed. I’ve changed. And I feel
like I’ve betrayed not only myself but my entire support system of fat
friends.

I did not feel ignored by strangers. But I was ignored. I just didn’t
notice. Did I not notice it because it would have hurt to notice or did
I not notice because now I have no choice but to be aware of it? I
notice now because NOW I’m not ignored. NOW men smile at me, NOW men talk to me, NOW men that for the last 5 years have treated me as
non-existent talk to me. Do they think I don’t notice their shallowness?
Do they think differently about me? If I regain my weight do I become
invisible yet again? And yet I was FINE with this invisibility. I didn’t
notice it. I didn’t care about it. Because I truly thought it did not
exist. But sadly it does. And I’m not sure how I feel about this.

And it’s not just men, women respond differently too. What is it about a
fat chick that makes folks so damn uncomfortable? Is it that they might
become us.. or scandalous they might LIKE US? Or do they think “fat
slob” as if we can’t be fat and not sloppy…

I wonder if maybe I’ve changed.  I have a male friend at work who has been my friend from DAY one because fat does not scare him, and he says he thinks I’ve changed.  I know I move faster, I have a spring in my step that wasn’t there at 286… I look around more.  But yet, I feel shyer than I did before WLS.   AND, I don’t think I’ve changed.   But I wonder.  I mean really.. maybe I have.. maybe now I DARE them to flirt with me.. MAYBE now my unconscious body language is different.

I so wanted to be one of those girls that DID NOT CHANGE.  I’m the SAME as I was 100 pounds ago.  Umm… no I learned it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY no matter how much we would like it to.

Writing this does not flow like I had hoped. I guess it’s more painful
than I care to admit. I always thought of myself as cute. My standard
response is “I show up and look cute” until recently that always got a
chuckle and a nod… now it gets “you’re doing it well” and laughter or
big smiles and “yes you do” and that look… you know THAT look… the
slight tilt of the head, the flirtatious smile…. STUFF I’m allowed to do
but that MEN should NOT be doing to me. I’m FIFTY. I’m FIFTY and FAT and
MARRIED… I’m a huge flirt but not if men are going to flirt back. At
least not strangers. ME? The attention whore is not happy with
ATTENTION. Go figure.

I wanted to write more but so many things are in my head as I sort this out.  I’m really struggling with the fact that I’m struggling.  Oy I’m so Jewish.