Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Working out is finally working out for me.

I have been mulling this idea over in my mind. Recently I got back on track. Very recently, like in the last week or so. I’m hoping it will stick this time. It has before because I found something that resonates with me. Well now I have something that resonates AT HOME. WOW.

Let’s start with a current standing. I have gained some weight. Sadly. It’s my own doing… At my lowest I was @135. Today I was 171.5. I like me around 148… so I want to lose about 20-25 pounds. I sadly did not stop when I got to 155 or 160 or even 165…. My highest I’ve seen since my surgery is 174. and while that’s NOT bad (my highest ever was 293) it’s NOT great since I’m a mere 5’2″.

My ankle goes out now and then, my right knee hurts pretty much every time I bend it. My right hip… well it’s on fire most of the time and it hurts a lot too. I have arthritis and degenerative disc disease which is a nice way to say my spine is collapsing on itself. Not much I can do but get strong and keep at it. I’m only 54 but there are days I feel 80. I never feel 20 any more.

So anyway… I used to go to Lifebridge Gym. I did walking and yoga 3 days a week and lifting 2 times a week. I worked with a trainer. then my back went out. Then I stopped going to yoga for several reasons. Then since I was not going to the gym regularly to save money we dropped the gym membership. Now I have NO gym membership and i have struggled with working out on my own.

I could NOT figure out why I could not get going on my own. Well in the last few weeks I have stepped up my game.

Finally, it seems to me that I’m catching on and figuring it out.

So what changed?

I have a website and I have been there with some very close dear friends since 2007. Doesn’t seem that long. Anyway… they are a lovely group of women but none of them have had weight loss surgery. I was posting but not really involved. I was there but not really putting in an effort.

Then, my darling friend Nikki Masse of the infamous Bariatric Foodie website started a private group on Facebook for those of us who have experienced regain after weight loss surgery. Bless her heart (truly not in the nasty sense) she added me to the group. It made me finally Realize that was in total DENIAL that I was OUT OF CONTROL. For some reason THIS group resonated with me. The members or the situation or SOMETHING just made THIS GROUP the one I wanted to be good for. This group was the one I wanted to WIN for. And yet winning for this group means I win for myself.

I have this arm band called a GO Wear Fit. It’s by Body Media and It does all sorts of lovely things. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken and how many calories I’ve burned and how well I’m sleeping. I pay 6.95 a month for the website on this and I might as well use it to the best of my ability.

I need to track my food. I don’t like the food tracker on the Body Media Site but I LOVE the food tracker on SparkPeople. . I wanted to get my Body Media armband and Spark People talking to each other and I finally figured it out. Then I became a REALLY happy camper. I now have a way to link my favorite food record with my body measurements. Woo-hoo…

Then I realized I had to start moving more. I was getting up going to work and coming home to veg on the couch. This will NOT do. I am only 54 and i need to move more. So I started looking around ON Demand. I found Cardio Fit for Seniors by Angie Miller in the fitness area. I figured, I’m a klutz and I’m out of shape and I’m doing NOTHING so this is SOMETHING. Well This SOMETHING saved me. I am NOT sure what about this workout works for me… but it got me started… and it taught me to modify. I have learned to Modify UP AND modify DOWN. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe the at home stuff is fine for a starting point and for getting you going and teaching you how to figure out what you need on your own and then it becomes a bit of a place holder.

For example in Cardio Fit for Seniors (CFFS) she says “go at your own pace” and my pace keeps ups with her just fine… but I was able to take “go at your own pace” from her and apply it to Leslie Sansone’s Walk Away the Pounds (WATP) without feeling like a failure. Because who can’t walk? I can’t walk. I fall over my own two feet in the kitchen for god’s sake.

Anyway.. after CFFS where I have upped my intensity by doing bigger movements and carrying weights, I discovered WATP and did the 1 mile walk without difficulty. I have gone on to the 2 mile walk and while I have completed it once I find 1.5 miles now on this works well.

So then I tried Absolute Beginners Dance and Step and I can do most of the tutorial and some of the step routine but when I get lost I don’t give up I just do what i know I can do to KEEP MY HEART RATE UP. Because I know now that my work out is not limited to one thing. I can work out as little or as long as I like.

So yesterday was a ROCK star day. First i did CFFS Warm up, then Cardio One, Cardio, Two and Cardio Three and Four. I even carried weights in sessions 2 and 4! I then stopped the DVD and said “I don’t want to do strength and stretching.. I want to WALK MORE”. I stopped the DVD and put in the WATP and then I said “I want to try the 2 but I’ll do only till i want to stop” and yet I managed 1.5 miles only stopping when I had met my step and workout goals for the day. I didn’t do the cool down because I was NOT done, I then popped in my new DVD from the Yoga for Inflexible People set and did 30 minutes of seated yoga.

So yeah I got a serious workout in yesterday. Oh also did some step on the wii to warm up before doing my 30 seconds of planking. Yes I can hold a plank for 30 seconds. Not great but it’s better than I was doing.

I like the whole working out thing. I note my back is not hurting as much and while I’m still fat and not losing weight at least I feel good that I’m trying.

Working out is finally working out for me.

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She’s BACK….

well sort of…

I bought a new domain today… Internet’s END because what I really wanted was already taken… by GOOGLE of all people… ROFL which is funny because this site will have a direct link TO Google… what amazes me is that THIS site when you Google ethnic chicken is the first hit. I love it.

So now that I have this new domain to play with what shall I do with it… well not much but it will be fun…

Me… my weight is up a few pounds… so today I started using my tool again…

1. protein first

2. NO snacks that are Unplanned

3 NO drinking and eating at the same time (this has really gotten out of hand for me)

4. cutting way back on carbs and sugar…

I am at 152 and that’s borderline over the top for me….. I keep saying I want to be between 140 and 145 but the truth is I’m happy between 145 and 150 with 148 being my favorite place…

so 4 pounds down… here I come!

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I am self-destructive.  I am not a grown up. I would like to pretend I am a grown up but I’m not.   Why when something good happens to me do I try to break it?   Why do I get so afraid to be happy and sane and safe and healthy?  Why am I afraid to not be the one in charge???

omg the above statement was made as a draft way back in march! it’s so so so so very true. I had a great thing… and I broke it. and I’m crazy and I deserve to be in pain… at least that’s how my warped brain is dealing with losing Jim.

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Another Post… or See Below… or THE BOYFRIEND

Not going to make a long story short here so settle down for the long haul.

THIS is my current favorite picture of Jim it was taken a few years back but I think he has a painting in a closet somewhere that’s aging for him.  honest he’s over 18 by 20 years!  he’ll be 38 in June!

I will skip all the stuff about how I’ve known Jim since August 2009… WE first had some serious interaction in August 2010 at a gaming convention.   I’m an outrageous flirt… and with my then-husband’s permission I was rather assertive in my desires of Jim.   Jim even questioned him as to whether or not I was “permitted” this dalliance and was told I was…  Sadly nothing came of it back in August.

Fast forward to the beginning of November 2010 at yet ANOTHER gaming con…. I ramped up the flirting to OVER the TOP… I even posted in private that I was so  over the top that I probably got myself in trouble with “flirty guy” as I referred to him then and there…  He actually sent me a text asking to talk to me… I tossed and turned all night thinking he was going to “slap my hand’ and tell me how inappropriate I was; but no, the truth was, I was OUT there enough to FINALLY CATCH his attention.. and I’m rather glad I did.

So in the beginning of November we decided to start this “relationship”.  I was NOT cheating or lying as my husband knew I was spending time with Jim.  What I did not share was how deeply my feelings for this man were growing on a daily basis. I NEVER meant to care for him the way I do… nor did I ever expect him to care about me back… but we do.  And here we sit.

WE started out slowly  A short visit in early December.. then nothing for four weeks…  a visit in early January showed that we continued to enjoy being together.    That one lasted a bit longer but still not even 24 hours.  Then came the “command performance” as I call it.  A visit two weeks later on January 22nd still only a 23 hour stay… but this visit was pivotal for me.  This was the visit where I realized just how important this man was becoming to me…  and it scared me.    I SHOULD have run then.  But I could not.  or would not is more accurate.

WE made the conscious choice to pursue a relationship.  IT was NOT the reason my marriage broke up. It was a catalyst towards the end of something that should be over.   Being with Jim has given me the strength and courage to do what I needed to do.. NOT stop Brian when he walked out this last time.

WE had another visit in February  our first full weekend.. two nights… Friday-Sunday and I loved it so much I did it again the NEXT weekend…  and by then I was done for.  HOOKED.

We talked and I realized what was going on for me and I expressed my desire to see him more than once a month.  We have currently settled on every other weekend but I do not know how long that will last..  there are days it’s all I can do to NOT get in the car and make the 2 hour trek….

My husband moved out and we just ran full speed ahead into trying to see what we have.   And yes I’m glad we are trying this on to see how it fits.   It’s NOT easy.  Long distance relationships are HARD.  We are both suffering from severe lack of sleep on a regular basis.  My car knows the route so well I don’t even have to pay attention much. I have the trip up 95 down to a science.  1 hour 15 minutes to the Delaware Welcome Center (DWC) which puts me 45 minutes from Jim’s front door.   Baring traffic of course.  The Delaware Toll Plaza is the bane of my existence.  I hope the construction is done soon…. it’s so bad I’m getting an EZ Pass again..

While we live 2 freaking hours apart (and that’s killing me more and more)… We are in agreement that we are a couple now.   Jim makes me smile.  He pushes me to be the best person I can be and yet nurtures me when I need to be coddled and babied.   He is independent enough to take care of himself and yet lets (and needs)  me  (to) take care of  him JUST enough…

I have no idea where we will go. I have no idea how long we will walk towards that goal.  I do know that adding a new partner to my life when my old partner is still in the picture was harder than I ever imagined.  Lots of tears were shed.  Feelings hurt, hearts broken.   Friends lost and confused by this don’t know what to say or who to say it to.   AND it’s compounded by the fact that  MY friends are folks that KNOW Jim…

But now that it’s just the two of us… and I can be open about it… I want to shout to the world that this man is mine. And I am his.

It’s COMPLICATED does NOT begin to describe my life now…

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Formerly Fat Chick.

Ugh… this is a very very very hard post to make.  I don’t update this blog as often as I should but then there is a lot of stuff going on in my life that I don’t really want to put out on the web for all to see…. THIS is important.  This is a painful reminder that no matter what we say… life changes… we change… things change in our brains when we change things with our bodies…

So very hard to write this.. not even sure I want to put it out there for all to see… but I have to.   It’s therapeutic in so many ways and yet painful too…

Hard to put into words… I so thought I would not change when I lost weight…  I was so WRONG….   how could I not know I would change… WHY did I think I would be the same…  well partially because I thought I was OK the way I was.  What I’ve come to see is that I tried very hard NOT to step on toes…  I stuffed my feelings down… I stuffed them down so DEEP I didn’t even know I was stuffing them.

I guess in reality I didn’t KNOW the REAL me…  I’m a mean girl.   I go for the jugular… and I don’t mind admitting that it feels good to hurt someone who is not a true friend…  OMG I had no idea how much I would enjoy it…  I never did that before… Not at 300 pounds…  never.  I thought all the thoughts I’d even put them in words but I never had the guts to put them out there for the world to see.  I guess then I didn’t have the need to rid myself of people that were toxic like I do now.

Why don’t SMO women feel the need to nourish themselves emotionally?  Is it because we feed our faces instead of our hearts?

The problem is… I wrote stuff to ONE person but a bunch of folks read it  (which WAS my intent) and I ended up hurting a bunch of folks I CARE about…  and that doesn’t feel so good.

Neither does the fight I had with ONE of my very best friends which is what triggered all of this.   Now the question is why did I fight with her…   Well I felt stepped on.  and I’m tired of feeling stepped on and being told how to do things.  And I was feeling that she was telling me that my behavior was not something she could cope with and she was asking me to change my behavior…  Maybe she was,  maybe she was not…   What matters is that’s what I felt… like I was being told that  because I behave a certain way, she gets stressed… and my belief was,  “well then remove yourself from the stress”…  she would not… and I could not understand that so I did what I thought was best for both of us… I removed the stress from her. I ended a 7 year friendship…. I told her I was done.  I was a bit of a drama queen about it but that’s me…. and that’s part of the stress….  I thought it best for both of us… she won’t be stressed and I won’t be forced to compromise who I am.

Did not work too well for me….  I really hurt my friend by walking away from her… and her spouse… and that was NEVER my intent…  I hurt my husband… they are his friends too… I hurt other friends we share… I hurt myself…   and it brought me to this point… the point where I have to examine why I did it… what’s changed in me… why I no longer will grin and bear it and why before I thought I was strong and that I was happy and that I was able to take care of my needs and here I am having to admit I was not.  I mean I was strong and I was happy but I was not taking care of myself….  meanwhile we work to patch up the group and go back to loving each other… and it’s happening… I think we are all a bit more fragile now…

I love my friends… I do not care what they look like or how much they weigh… I had to think long and hard about this… I really did. I wondered was I now being that skinny bitch that only wanted skinny friends…  After all, it seems all my new friends are very thin… of course most of them are fairly new post op patients so why wouldn’t they be… and I tried very very hard to see if maybe I was becoming that person…. the person I didn’t want to be… the skinny bitch that no longer would associate with fat people… NOPE I’m not her…  But I got SCARED that I was that girl… that woman I didn’t want to be… the one who JUDGED folks based on size.   I don’t.  But I look at strangers differently now…. NOT my friends… my friends are just that my friends… and I love them…warts and all and they love me.  I don’t see them as fat or thin or black or white or gay or straight… I see them AS PEOPLE…  BUT as I alter my friendships with folks, (“re-establishing boundaries” as a friend of mine pointed out this morning) I can’t help but wonder if they see it as “see now she’s skinny so she doesn’t want to hang around fat people”….    and that’s NOT IT at all… but it sure looks like it at least from the outside looking in and at least to me at first glance…  and I worry  do I have to work doubly hard to not look like the skinny bitch who discriminates against fat folks….  HOW  HARD THIS IS….

I never had to think about it when I was fat.   I was nice to everyone.  I’m still nice to everyone… but things for me have changed…. PEOPLE HOLD DOORS FOR ME NOW….men and women… they didn’t do that when i was 300 pounds…  Men smile at me and talk to me… in public.. out of nowhere… again not done when I was 300 pounds…   NOW ME…

I talk to everyone..  I hold doors for everyone… I SMILE at everyone.  I still feel like that fat chick… so I look at the SMO women and I smile that “we are sisters smile”  only it comes out different now… It comes out as the “skinny bitch making fun of me look”…..  and it’s NOT… I want a sign that says  “formerly FAT CHICK” but since I can’t get one I find myself NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT with FAT people…   this makes me SAD.   That’s not what I want but I can’t bear the stares that tell me I’m no longer part of the club….

And to some extent I miss that club… it was safe… it was known… we knew who belonged with a glance…  I feel sometimes that I am floundering adrift in a sea of humanity…

So what’s changed… let’s go from the bottom up…

my feet:  smaller.. narrower… that alone scares me..

my body:  smaller… fitter under all the flab…. the skin has a mind of it’s own… the skin… oy the skin… it still defines me in my brain as fat… and yet sometimes I move it when I shower and I see that tiny TINY girl under the flab… I marvel at my fitness now… I walked for 45 minutes this morning… I only stopped because I had to go take my yoga class.  Yoga class where I can hold planks and down dogs and bridges… and do pigeons…  Yoga where I am strong and powerful… Yoga that I love…

my brain… ah that is the rub… has my brain changed or just how I deal with it… and what’s the difference….   I so wanted to prove that I could stay the same… and here I am having to admit I did not…

I mean I think I did… I think the same way…  I know that.. but how I act on it has changed…  I think now that I’m small… (see I wanted to say smaller… like I’m not SMALL… but I am a size 10 with 2 sizes worth of SKIN on me… so I’m probably a size 6 after plastic surgery… that’s SMALL)….  but i digress… now that I’m SMALL… I’m  even MORE flirtatious than I was at 300 pounds… and I was a hot flirt then… with anyone that would flirt with me.  Of course the realization is now that the only guys that looked at me were big guys…. or guys who had no sense of themselves… or guys that preferred fat girls (for whatever reason)… and I’ve learned that thin men react differently…. but I’ve been told I am different… more outgoing… I make eye contact..  and I realize it’s true… I SILENTLY  DARE men to flirt with me. This is something I never did at 300 pounds…  I look at them and EXPECT them to smile… and say hello… and they DO…  BUT what I’ve discovered is they do it when I’m NOT inviting it as well…..  a man held the door for me today at work and I didn’t even realize it I was too busy texting my hubby!

I’m not invisible now but I was at 300 pounds whether by design or happenstance I don’t know…  Maybe I would have had more attention had I dressed then the way I do now…

Yes I dress differently now… then I dressed for comfort…  occasionally we got dressed up… but I had to settle for what I could find that fit… and that covered.    Shoes, even dress shoes were FLATS..  pants were elastic waist more often than not… with over blouses to hide the tummy…..  there was no waist to show off… daily.. no make up… make up was for dressy events only….

NOW… heels, slacks or skirts… tucked in fitted shirts.. jackets or sweaters…  and MAKE UP daily and CONTACTS not glasses…   so yeah the wrapping is shiny now… so that’s different… and because that’s different I feel different and because I feel different I ACT different… I don’t THINK differently but I am different.  I’m still Nessa.  I’m not the “new and improved Nessa”  I’m still just me… and I still THINK the same…  but how I respond has changed… and I’m not sure how I feel about that….

Would I have had that fight with my friend if I was still 300 pounds… maybe… would my husband have backed me the way he did… I doubt it. He’s changed too… but I would have FELT the same way…  so what does that say…

oh well enough ranting and raving…

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Plastic Woman…

Ok since today is a bathroom fashion show I guess we shall talk about something else as well.

but first… here is my bathroom fashion show for the day:

1. the jacket is an 8 an EIGHT for gods sake… I feel really good in this outfit btw:

Ok so now let’s talk about my body image.   In clothes I don’t look too bad, especially if I stand up straight and suck in my belly…  and wear good foundation garments.. and don’t try to pretend that I can cram this belly into size 10 jeans.  Naked… now that’s another story…  I hate my body naked.     For several reasons.  I don’t care about scars or  stretch marks, those are battle scars earned by years of living and well deserved.  What I hate are

my deflated hanging remnants of breasts

my belly

my thighs (and therefore my knees),

my back and hips.

OH and my thin hair.

That’s a lot of hate…  so maybe I need to balance it with what I like:

from the top down I LIKE:

my curls and color

my eyes

my nose is not bad

my mouth is good and i love my smile

my ears… they are small and flat against my head

my shoulders. I LIKE THEM… they are round but not flabby… they are defined.

I have collar bones! I like them

I like my biceps

I like my wrists

I like my calves

I like my ankles.

so basically from the armpits to the knees I want to replace.  That’s a lot of replacing.   And based on what I’m hearing NONE of it is going to be covered by insurance.  So now I have to figure out how to pay for it.  not sure what to think.. I guess a few more doctors are called for. I have an appointment on December 28th for a consult.    At least i can get an idea of what it’s going to cost and how much more weight he thinks this will take off of me.

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Cin City– a review and a memoir….Part 1

OMG!  just OMG!  how to put this all into words (and without pictures since they are on facebook and I cannot get to them at this time… hopefully when I am home I will remember to add them…)

Let’s do the time line… it will be easier…

Thursday August 19th

after dinner I went to get my good Friend Nikki so that her car could stay at her momma’s house.   Thus began my fun.   We got to my house and Girl Child’s WONDERFUL strong boyfriend moved all the stuff into the van for us.  Nik and I managed to hang out and still get to bed around 12 am ish I believe. I dyed my hair,  I packed.  not much but enough in fact still yet again I packed more than I needed… but it was good nevertheless….

Friday August 20th…  TRAVEL DAY

The alarm was set for 4:45.  Debbie (we must get her a blog so I can link for her too) was very early and tried knocking on the door, calling the cell phones and getting no response… she ended up calling the house phone and up we got.. I let her in, woke Nikki… (she’s so NOT pleasantly awake at  0’dark:30)… I had showered the night before when I did my hair so I was grab and go… Nik got a shower and we grabbed a few things and after kissing my hubby off we went… (I was the only one that kissed him btw)….

WE got on 70 going West.  This was my first going west trip ever… we drove.  we had Garmin with us.  My lovely Garmin Nuvi  Wide Screen with the British voice (cause the American girl WHINES)…. She also tells me how fast I’m going but I ignore her mostly…

AND I got a SPEEDING TICKET…. deserved….  truly.  Yes Mr. Ohio Police Officer I was going 1-20 miles over the limit…  I clocked me at 77 you allege I was doing 80  I like easy numbers to work with so 15 over the limit works for me… 80 in a 65… skies sunny, traffic light… all on the ticket.. the $100.00 ticket.  NO POINTS in MD for this… and I thought it would be more than 100 dollars… so I see the cop, hit the brakes and see him start to move… i pull to the right.. and tell Debbie and Nik..   “he got me”…    Debbie didn’t think so but I knew… and yeppers he pulled behind me and flashed the lights and OVER I went… NO PROBLEM…. at least not for me… poor Debbie was horrified…  “tell him you were keeping up with traffic”  she said…  “nope I wasn’t. I WAS speeding… he got me I earned it…” and I did.  I was speeding.  I had Nik find the registration and Debbie got my license… I rolled down the windows and he walks over to the Passenger side of the van… he was very polite if not a bit confused… as you will see:

I roll down the window and say hello and acknowledge before he can say anything that I know I was speeding… I had him my license and registration.  I’m forgetting that my license says I weigh 240 pounds… and has a picture of me at 240 pounds…. (i had NOT lied on the last license since 240 was down from where I had been and I was thrilled with that)  I weigh about 165 now but I look nearly 20 pounds lighter than that….

Ohio Officer:  “I clocked you at 80”

Me:     “yes sir i was speeding”

OO:   where are you ladies headed?

ME:  Cincinnati

OO:   are you in a rush?

ME:   Yes sir I am.  (i thought he was going to be rendered totally speechless at this point)

OO:  What do you do for a living?  (odd question yes???)

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government

OO:   WHAT???

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government  (btw that’s ALWAYS what I say not just for his benefit)

OO:  oh because on the back of the car is a bumpersticker-

ME: (cutting him off)   oh yes that says  “my other car is a school bus”  yes, this is my husband’s car and he’s a school bus driver and had he been driving we would NOT have been speeding (which is damn true)….

OO:  well I’ll be back with the ticket and you can sign and be on your way

he goes and writes the ticket and comes back to me and we chitty chat a bit about stuff and somehow the fact that I’m much smaller now than what’s on my License comes up and I say

ME:  well I’ve lost a lot of weight

OO:  everywhere but your foot…

which actually was kind of cute…

I did not speed the rest of the trip!

we get to the hotel around 3 pm… unload the car and opt to pay for regular parking… oy I screwed that up too.. bashed in the side of my husband’s van big time with yellow paint and everything… looks horrible.  Door still works but it’s bad.. he forgives me… he’s a good guy and I’m a maroon…

we got to our room I shared with Debbie… and then hit the Q and A session…

I came out and found ANDREA and BETH (Melting Mama) and bless Beth the first words out of her mouth were “OMG YOURE SO SKINNY”  and she meant it!   made me feel great….

and here is where I will stop with part 1… there’s more to come  cupcakes and yoga and Clicktinis….

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At what price success????

Ah July 1st where is this year going, where is this summer going?  Where is my life going?    New month, new beginning, scale talk, so many things in my brain today…  I am just past 9 months out from a Roux-en-y gastric bypass and I am struggling today with the fact that maybe I’m at the tail end of my easy time….  How sad this makes me..

How in the world could I be DONE at 9 months… and the non-reptilian part of my brain says “STUPID you’re NOT DONE”…. but then there is the  purely emotional part of me that says  OMG I lost less than TWO POUNDS for the entire CALENDAR MONTH OF JUNE 2010… I must be DONE….   ummm how about… just stalled.. And not even really stalled I lost .35 pounds per week over a 4 week period.  NOT quite half a pound but it’s still A LOSS… RIGHT?   Who am I trying to convince??  WHAT am I trying to convince myself of?  And WHO am I being competitive with?  Probably me, myself and I….

Ok I admit it.  I wanna be a skinny bitch. Totally.  I wanna be a size 8.  I admit it.  I want a flat belly…  NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I actually considered ever so briefly the other day that 128 would be a good weight for me.  Then reality hits me like a cold wet slap in the face… I may be 5’2” but I’m still about 170 pounds and a size 12… and I console myself with the fact that it’s VANITY sizing. I want to be Marilyn Monroe Size 12…not this stupid size 12 is the old size 16 crap….

Why do I let the scale rule my mind?  Why in the world do I say I’m a FAILURE because I lost  XX or DIDN”T lose XX in a particular CALENDAR month….

And that’s all it is the CALENDAR MONTH…

I look at what I’ve lost from my HEAVIEST known weight.  I use 286 which was my scale at home. I am sure I was heavier at one point.  I do recall the doc had me once at 293 but that was a long time ago and my records are not showing that… but I remember it…  and I count 253 from the morning of surgery as my start weight for this current adventure… 100 pounds would be so cool to lose.  My goal of 151 would make it 102… and 128 would be 125 pounds even… I get goose bumps thinking about that.  It’s got to be unrealistic for me to think I could weigh 128.  I have 111 pounds currently of lean body mass… I need about 41 pounds of fat… so I should weigh about 152…. Or thereabouts… 128 is INSANE… so  I’m down 116 from my solid heaviest.  I’m about 20 pounds from GOAL or am I 42 pounds from goal???  There is no way I could maintain 128… there is no way I will look HEALTHY at 128… but my brain says.. TRY IT… just TRY IT SEE HOW you look… as it is I think my face is starting to look a bit gaunt and I still insist on losing 20 pounds.  OF course my body may have other ideas and I may be done.  Which is what I feel is where I am.  NOW I know it’s a stall. I know that I’m probably not done… but I’m SCARED that I’m done.  I DON”T WANNA BE DONE!   I wanna be a skinny bitch…

So how do I reconcile what society tells me about my weight with feeling good, looking good and doing the right thing…

Right now I don’t feel so good.. My left hamstring hurts.  Why?  Cause I was RUNNING on Tuesday and I pulled it a bit… RUNNING… not jogging, not WALKING… RUNNING… OMG… who ever thought I would WANT TO RUN!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!  But I do.  I like it.  My brain likes it.  My right side hurts a lot too but that’s chronic and annoying more than anything and I just deal with it.  Same with my horrible terrible no good very bad knees… torn meniscus on the left, arthritis on the right… here I am stuck in the middle with me…  BUT how much worse would I be if I hadn’t lost over 100 pounds or gotten my fat tush to the gym nearly EVERY DAY.  I go to the gym and work out not because of how I feel when I am doing it but how I feel the next morning.  I am able to move and bend most of the time fairly easily… and I know if I was not working out I’d be stiff and sore all the time…  So I feel pretty good… better than I did a year ago.

But then I wonder am I eating right?  I mean the calories I burn are about 2200 most days.  I think I should burn more but I seem to be burning less and less… this makes me cry…  Why is it on HARD workout days I still only burn about 2300 calories… WHAT am I doing WRONG???  OR am I just so damn short I have no choice.    UGH… good things come in small packages…. I wanna be taller so I can weigh more…. If I was taller I’d be DONE…  It sucks REALLY…

I mean the Go Wear Fit says I show a HUGE calorie deficit (over 900 per day on average)… so why am I NOT losing?? Maybe I’m not eating enough?   I can’t help but think I’m not eating enough… I don’t know what to think…  I just feel like crying.

I’m truly insane however… I’m having an average loss of 8 pounds a month or about 2 pounds a week… it’s NOT SHABBY. And I was told I ‘glow” that I look healthy… I was told yesterday that I “get more beautiful EVERY DAY”… so why oh why am I so defeated?

Why am I so scared I’m done.  Why do I feel like such a failure… do I need to just keep on keeping on or do I need to shake it up… how do I decide.. is 2 pounds enough of  a loss to say I’m still losing???

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On Scales, Calories, Input, Emotions, and Insanity…

On Scales, Calories, Input, Emotions, and Insanity…

Maybe I should just call this the insane post of the day.  Because, I am insane.  I am nuts.  WHY do I give a hunk of metal SO MUCH FREAKING POWER???  Why do I, WHEN I look the same as I did yesterday or last week, think I’m so much fatter just because the SCALE says I am?  WHY do I give it power?  It’s evil, I need to stay off of it.

Thankfully, I am not so insane as to alter workout or eating patterns because of a blip on my scale radar… but STILL…it affects my mood…. I mean I’m wearing a CUTE outfit today… blue sundress, blue jersey jacket… great earrings… HEELS… and yet in the back of my mind I’m FAT FAT FAT… but I’m not.  It’s water… it has to be…. I mean what else could it be, According to my GoWear Fit I’m over the last week generating about 1000 per day DEFICIT so shouldn’t I be DOWN 2 pounds this week NOT UP????

It does make me mad. It makes me sad. It frustrates me.   But I refuse to let it get me down. I mean what choice do I have?  I can’t go back to eating the way I was eating pre-op, Oscar would not handle it well. And I don’t WANT to stop working out as I feel so much better doing the yoga and the weights…  I even can run a bit now… although my knee kills me afterwards…

I see folks on the board on OH eating under 1000 calories per day at the same level I’m at and I wonder if I’m doing something wrong with my 1680 daily…. It makes my head hurt to think about this.  The GOWEAR fit says I should be eating 1681 a day… that seems like A LOT for a WLS person less than a year out… but I think that perhaps a few years down the road it will hold me in good stead as I don’t struggle with having to hold my calories at 1200 a day to maintain.  I want to be able to eat like a normal person later on…. I eat like a normal person NOW… just smaller amounts.

Yesterday I had Soy CHIPS.. LOTS of salt.  I had leftover Quodoba burrito bowl more SALT… and I had a lot of it at 9:30 right before bed… so I guess I can’t be mad.  I also REALLY need to potty… oy vey this potty thing is getting to me…

WHY do I second guess myself???

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So much to talk about… so much on my mind…

I got my GO WEAR Fit yesterday from my friend Katie..  and I charged it and synced it with my laptop at home (and i can look at the reports at work) I put it on last night but it was after dinner and working out…I did sleep with it but I haven’t synced it so I’ll see tonite.   Some folks don’t put their food in. I may or may not on a daily basis but I will for a few days at least…

I’m still figuring out the display and the armband thing with it.  Putting the armband on is no big deal… wearing it is no big deal… in fact you can’t even tell I have it on today… and it doesn’t bother me… I hope it helps.  I did take a one year subscription and it doesn’t seem too bad.. it will be interesting to see what happens.

This morning while I was on the elliptical (finishing up 20 minutes of cardio (and I worked hard at it) the darn display beeped at me to tell me that My moderate goal was met.  I have tried to look it up and I can’t find it.  oh well I’ll ask around over on OH… I then took a kick ass yoga class with tammie.  I held a tree today. I still wobble badly at tree with a kickstand because of the closed eyes.  I can do a beautiful modified half moon and my child’s pose is improving.   I can do half moon on the left much easier than on the right…

The point is yoga class rocked today and I worked up a nice sweat…

I’ve noticed in the last few days especially I’ve hit a new point.   Yesterday I felt THIN… this morning I feel NORMAL… and it seems that  all the women at the gym that used to find me invisible no longer do…. Now this may be a function of the fact that they see me 5 times a week consistently or it may be a function of the fact that I no longer have that FAT chick appearance…   I don’t know.  I’m not sure I want to know.

What I do know is that I am loving the gym.   I love going, I love how I feel when I’m done. I actually liked sweating today.   Who’d have thunk it ya know…

Why is it that when I think about things they sound so profound and then when I go to write them they seem so trivial.

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