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Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

A new day a New beginning

Hi OH HI….  Hello….  HI THERE!   (do you speak dog?  cause that’s how I talk to the pups…)

It’s THURSDAY…. a bright sun-shiny spring day in Baltimore… which is about as good as I can come up with.

Today is LUNCH WITH THE BFF…  that’s how the invite came…   love that girl. have for nearly 20 years…. long before she loved me I knew we would be buds… she’s saved my life a few times in every sense of the word…   I would travel almost anywhere for her…  oh wait, I have….  the ADD tour of the south 2 summers ago was one of my favorite vacations ever.   TEN days in a VAN with her… driving from city to city to get some furniture to her darling daughter in TEXAS….  this trip involved a pilgrimage to GRACELAND… oh and drunk dialing my darling husband from NOLA  but that’s another story for another time…

So there was a blow up at southbeachfriends yesterday.  My fault.  Truly.  I was snarky.   Yes I was.   BUT I really feel that I was snarky BACK.    The key is at least I ADMIT to being a bitch….  an evil SNARKY bitch while those that I snarked at think they did nothing wrong.  How sad for those that live in imaginary worlds where they are wanted.  NO ONE BELONGS WHERE THEY’RE NOT WANTED  (I’ve got that song on right now… What You Didn’t Say) I love Mary Chapin Carpenter and have for years and years and years.   She was my gateway to Country Music.

Who invented the word SNARKY???  it’s such a good word.   Ok I looked it up. It’s a 1906 british slang term from  1866 SNARK…  meaning irritable who knew?   I thought it was an internet thing…  as now it’s used to mean a cranky response… as in  NESSA was SNARKY to  <insert the name of whomever I was snarky to today> when she said <insert my most passive/aggressive mean spirited comment here>.

Sadly for folks  I’m always snarky when I OWN THE SITE and can do so.     What’s really sad is that I’m not even going to the site today.   Not cause I’m afraid to see what was said   who the hell cares what they think.  I’m not going because I’m waiting to calm down enough to just be able to say “WHATEVER” to them.

The truth is there are several people at  SBF that I don’t want there but since I can’t see a reason to remove them other than I don’t like their motives, I can’t justify it.  At least not in my mind.    Not that they don’t think I will remove them.  AND that is the KEY to why they are the way they are.  THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHO  I AM OR WHAT I’M ABOUT.  How sad for them.

I know there are webmasters that rule with an iron fist and it’s my way or the highway… and they seem to think that I’m censoring them.   ummm  NO!  Censoring them would mean I delete their posts and deactivate their accounts.      Some of them are even attempting to  set up ‘reading accounts’  in the fear that I will deactivate them.   I f that’s what they think they need to do, I can understand why I don’t want them there, because they don’t grasp that although I totally disagree with their thought patterns, their beliefs and their motives, I will allow them their delusions and freedom AT THAT SITE.  Yes I will.   Truth be told,  while I OWN it.  it’s not MINE… THIS IS MINE.   I delete users here daily.   I moderate EVERY SINGLE POST here.  and will continue to do so….  Aaron and I are the ONLY moderators here.  But the SBF site,  well  their belief that I censor is just ludicrous.

I know I’m going to have to go to the site soon.  I know i have to deal with this insanity.   Today I do not. Today is send the Critical Patch letter day at work.  Today is not a good day for me to play with whiners.

Today’s health report:

There was no dinner last night there was noshing… half a protein bar, have a protein tidbit, got home had some imitation crab and some bacon horseradish cheddar then ate  pudding, banana strawberries and chopped pecans with whipped cream… oy such a diet…   but there was serious exercise yesterday…half an hour on the arc trainer,  an hour of yoga that left my knee hurting so badly I have an appointment with  the ortho knee guy on Tuesday… probably to ask about a brace since today the knee is feeling much better… yesterday I thought for sure I was going to need surgery. I know i have a misplaced Baker’s Cyst and a partially torn meniscus which may or may not now be totally torn due to use…  SERIOUS use…  Yoga three times a week is really stressing the knee but I need the YOGA so I can walk the rest of the week…. and to keep my brain sane…  I do have some transfer addiction clearly…

I would do a yoga class every morning if they offered it at the gym…

oh the scale this morning:  185.4.   amazing.  it was 189 when i went to bed.  WHY I got on the scale last night I have no idea.   but i did and i expected 187 or so this morning… Yay me!

today:

commute:  click/designer whey/milk/coffee

breakfast:   none

lunch:  applebees with donna

snack:  cheese or protein bar or both half a banana

dinner:  no clue

snack:  dried fruit I”m sure no potty this morning.

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March 11, 2010~ 192 is NOT the same as 286

I did not think that I would change. I really truly thought I would stay
the same at least on the inside. I mean I was friendly, I was outgoing,
I was smart and funny and personable. I’m the same person. At least I
think I’m the same person. I wanted to stay the same person. I don’t’
think I can. I say the same things. BUT they are taken differently now.
They have a different impact. Dressing has changed. Walking has changed.
Shopping has changed. Friends have changed. I’ve changed. And I feel
like I’ve betrayed not only myself but my entire support system of fat
friends.

I did not feel ignored by strangers. But I was ignored. I just didn’t
notice. Did I not notice it because it would have hurt to notice or did
I not notice because now I have no choice but to be aware of it? I
notice now because NOW I’m not ignored. NOW men smile at me, NOW men talk to me, NOW men that for the last 5 years have treated me as
non-existent talk to me. Do they think I don’t notice their shallowness?
Do they think differently about me? If I regain my weight do I become
invisible yet again? And yet I was FINE with this invisibility. I didn’t
notice it. I didn’t care about it. Because I truly thought it did not
exist. But sadly it does. And I’m not sure how I feel about this.


And it’s not just men, women respond differently too. What is it about a
fat chick that makes folks so damn uncomfortable? Is it that they might
become us.. or scandalous they might LIKE US? Or do they think “fat
slob” as if we can’t be fat and not sloppy…

I wonder if maybe I’ve changed.  I have a male friend at work who has been my friend from DAY one because fat does not scare him, and he says he thinks I’ve changed.  I know I move faster, I have a spring in my step that wasn’t there at 286… I look around more.  But yet, I feel shyer than I did before WLS.   AND, I don’t think I’ve changed.   But I wonder.  I mean really.. maybe I have.. maybe now I DARE them to flirt with me.. MAYBE now my unconscious body language is different.

I so wanted to be one of those girls that DID NOT CHANGE.  I’m the SAME as I was 100 pounds ago.  Umm… no I learned it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY no matter how much we would like it to.

Writing this does not flow like I had hoped. I guess it’s more painful
than I care to admit. I always thought of myself as cute. My standard
response is “I show up and look cute” until recently that always got a
chuckle and a nod… now it gets “you’re doing it well” and laughter or
big smiles and “yes you do” and that look… you know THAT look… the
slight tilt of the head, the flirtatious smile…. STUFF I’m allowed to do
but that MEN should NOT be doing to me. I’m FIFTY. I’m FIFTY and FAT and
MARRIED… I’m a huge flirt but not if men are going to flirt back. At
least not strangers. ME? The attention whore is not happy with
ATTENTION. Go figure.

I wanted to write more but so many things are in my head as I sort this out.  I’m really struggling with the fact that I’m struggling.  Oy I’m so Jewish.

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