Just feeling like I should post something.

Life has changed in so many ways

Brian is FIVE POUNDS from losing 200 pounds.  He was 282 this morning.. so he wants to go back to the gym.  I think his plan is to come back on the 15th but I plan to go with Matt.  I like working out with him.   He makes me RUN and that feels GOOD and it’s good for me… I don’t lift with him but I bet Bri will and that’s good for both of them!

Brian’s happy

I’m HAPPY

my daughter is happy

and we have Matt now.    he seems happy too!

so where do we go from here?  up and out I guess.

Moving him in to our house might seem weird and strange and unusual and it is even to me… BUT we seem to be finding our way as a non-traditional family.  He loves my daughter. My daughter loves him.  May they live long and love long… and stay happy….   Brian and I while stressing do like having him in our home.

And living the way we do, while suspect and odd, works for us.

and we are eating great.  THIS KID CAN COOK and he works hard to learn to make healthy stuff!

and the house is clean

and the best thing.. my daughter smiles and laughs… and she’s growing and maturing daily.

It’s on my mind a lot that they are playing house under our very noses and we not only indulge it we encourage it.  But it seems to be working…

where do we go from here?  I do not know…one day at a time…

I weighed 162 pounds
my BMI is 28.7
My BMR is 5642 kj or 1349 cal (that’s what I burn if i lay in bed and do nothing at all for 24 hours)
My fat percentage is 28%
Fat mass a whopping 45.5 lbs
FFM (everything in the body that is not fat what we call LBM) 116.5
TBW  85.5 lbs  means I”m well hydrated
my fat % and my fat mass are both in the desirable range!

my bloodwork:

Cholesterol:  went up a bit to 137
Triglycerides dropped to 75
HDL is at 57
LDL Cholesterol is 65
Cholesterol/HDL ratio is 2.4

Iron:   119
TIBC 265  lower than I would like but within range
% Saturation 45
UIBC:  146
Ferritin is down again too  106  so even with my taking 65 mg iron daily I’m still pulling Iron stores even without a period

Prealbumin 31

Folate  >24.0

VITAMIN D3  95  (nurse said it was the best she had ever seen… I guess their patients aren’t really compliant then)
Vitamin D2 <4

Calcium is 9.6
Protein Total is 6.9
Albumin is  4.2

B1 is 194

there is no freaking b12 but it was over 2000 last time

PTH intact is 40
calcium is 9.8

Wow.   Today is one year to the day I had Roux-En-Y (RNY) surgery.  A year.   How the hell did that happen???   It’s been a wild Ride.

I have to go back and read journal entries to get all the details right.    Let’s talk about the here and now for a second.  Life is good.  I walk, I do yoga regularly, I can lift weights as needed and I have energy and stamina like I did not before. I can climb a flight of steps and not be out of breath.

I weighed 253 on my scale the morning of surgery. This morning I weighed 160.8   not quite to my goal but less than ten pounds away from it! So  I go back and I read stuff to figure this out.. I remember HATING the pre-surgery weight loss requirements.  Gained 6 gained 4 stayed the same lost 4 net gain of six pounds… really sad.  And it made me worry that I’d be a failure at it after WLS.

There are times I still FEEL like a failure… I mean here I am at a year out and NOT AT MY GOAL!   I’m at my doctor’s goal… but not mine.  What does that say to me or about me? I remember waiting waiting waiting… Waiting for the insurance to approve me… scared they would not… of course they did..

On July 7, 2009 I said this :  …oy will I ever be thin?  I have been eating fairly well.  I know i need to exercise but everything hurts.  the tops of my feet hurt, my muscles are cramping, I’m out of breath constantly.  If i don’t lose weight I can’t have WLS so I can lose weight… what a catch 22, if i could lose weight would I need WLS?    What strikes me about this post is not the part about losing weight,  it’s the part about the exercise… EVERYTHING hurts…   now I work out… hard… at least 3 days a week!  And I like it.  A LOT!

So I had surgery and I did fine.  I stayed one night in the hospital and came home.   I had nausea.  I had an allergy to the stuff they paint on you to make steri strips stick… I felt crummy.  I never had regret.  And once all that cleared up I healed pretty quickly. I was 253 on my scale the morning of surgery. And while I’ve kept a spread sheet of monthly weigh in results since surgery I don’t go all the way back to the beginning with the daily ones. Or even the weekly ones.

I didn’t start keeping track till mid December for some reason.

I do have notes like this:

12/7/09 down 33 pounds in 11 weeks

3/24/10 down 63 pounds in 6 months

By December I was working out regularly I’ve been consistently faithful with my supplements and I was pristine with my food for the first six months.

At 5 months out, I wrote a long piece and in it I talked about wanting to weigh 150 or even 146.   I was just under 200 at 197.5 or so. I still have a goal of 151 but I doubt I’ll ever see 146 without plastic surgery.  My skin is horrible. I have a lot of it. And it has a lot of subcutaneous fat.

It’s been an interesting journey and I’m sure it’s not over. I have made some good friends. I have good times. I feel good.  I still weigh 300 pounds in the matrix…  (you know how they say the way you see yourself in your mind is how you look in the matrix it’s residual self image and it’s a perfect way to describe how formerly fat people see themselves)

So yesterday in the shower, I noticed how I can feel my bones when I bathe.  I put my leg up to wash and there are curves, bones, and hollows that weren’t there a year ago.

Shopping is fun now not tiring; of course getting clothes that fit is interesting as you never know what size to try… before it used to be just get something big enough to cover you that was easy to put  on and comfy.  Comfort was the key… easy was the key… cause I would break a sweat just getting dressed in my size 26 pull on pants after a shower.  Now the shimmy involved in getting into the form fitting size 10  jeans is laughable… a nice way to start my day but still…

Would I do it again?   Yep.   Would I change anything? YEP I would have done it YEARS ago…

I swear if I could just talk or think in my brain this site would be FULL… but I have to currently TYPE it… ugh.

Let’s start with  this.. it’s Friday It’s September.. it’s Rosh Hashana. (Jewish new year not that I celebrate) AND I HAVE A COLD.   not a little runny nose cold… not a head cold.. NO I have a full blown BODY cold…. head hurts, nose runs, face hurts and is throbbing… throat feels like I swallowed  razor blades,  I have a NON PRODUCTIVE cough…. ugh.  Slightly runny nose,  tight chest… muscle aches.. UGH… just a crummy crummy crummy cold…. it sucks.

I haven’t updated much cause there is not much to update…  I have been about the same weight since the end of June.   I was 169 then.  I was 169 on August 30th.  Today I was 164.2  Granted I was 161.6 yesterday… so I’m up a few pounds… but i’m SICK I scream… and I’m HUNGRY cause I’m SICK…  so that means at 10 a.m. I am eating my lunch…  so what will I do at LUNCH TIME?  eat my snack?  nope.. I’m going HOME… well first to the bank then home… on the couch sleeping.. ugh.

It’s true.  Pretzels even whole  grain pretzels are NOT complex carbs.  As much as I would like them to be, they just are not.

AND they are truly gateway foods…  Pretzels, chips, (even soy chips) crackers… all of those make me WANT MORE… even POPCORN….

so yesterday when I got on the scale I was slapped with  169.    A HUGE slap in my face. and an awakening.  I was even at 11 months out OVER-INDULGING in TREATS…

So I realized that I not only had a BREAKING point but that I was LOOKING at it.  Now in the past I would have hit a breaking point on a Sunday and I would have said  TOMORROW I will restart… this time I KNEW that I had to get it under control THAT MOMENT…  not tomorrow… not next week not after breakfast but THAT MOMENT…  I had RNY 11 months ago and that was IT.   RNY was my LAST hope… if I screw this up… I have NOTHING to fall back on.

With THAT in mind I got back on track right away… and I was about 95% on track yesterday… I did not have popcorn that I love (and can have)  I had no chips or crackers with lunch (that I can have)   I did not even so much as TASTE Brian’s sugar free fat free frozen yogurt…  I just could not… I had to be strong…

What a HUGE difference for me head wise I mean..  I didn’t put it off..  I just did what I HAD to do.  WOW… while the surgery did not fix my brain,  clearly I have done some serious brain work on my own that I didn’t BLOW THIS off.  Makes me wonder so much what I could have done differently years ago… and ya know, I’m not sure I could have done anything.

I am no longer scared of being hungry!  (WHAT A GIFT)  I am no longer scared of NEVER having something I want again. I know now that on special occasions I can have what I want.  I just have to figure out what is a special occasion.

Driving a newf to New Jersey is not a special occasion.  Driving to a Conference in OH is.

Being in Lancaster Gaming for a week is

Being at Norman and Amy’s or our house weekly is NOT

Holidays ARE

weekly dinners ARE NOT…

(starting to feel like Maury with the AREs and the ARE NOTs)

But I digress.  Anyway I did not eat badly yesterday but I was not insane either.

I had a crab cake at dinner… i did pick most of the crab out of the cake and leave the filler but because i was full and it was a bit dry. I also ate Quiona (KEEN-WA) that had chicken bullion to flavor it so it was salty. I had some roasted corn and some green beans… YUMMY!  and clearly not carbophobic!   I think I had over 135 carbs yesterday…  all good….

Yes I wanted to nosh. Yes I wanted popcorn and pretzels… and NO I did not have them.

I was lighter on fluids than I could have been… and yet at 5 am in the bathroom I knew the scale was going to show a loss and it did!  But not because I didn’t have carbs… cause I did.  It showed a loss because I had the RIGHT kinds of CARBS in the RIGHT amounts… and I left food on my plate.

I now have a goal to get BACK to 165.  I have discovered that losing 4 is much easier than losing 10 or 15….  When I get to 165  (hopefully very very soon) I will set the next goal for 161….  that’s TEN above my final goal… and then that will reset my BREAKING point… from 169 to 165…

I can do this.

I CAN DO HARD THINGS….

Continued from Here (part 1 of this)

At the Q and A I got to HUG TONY!  OMG he’s so tall and SO THIN and so HOT… he’s really awesome. I love him and wish he lived closer… I need a brother friend… I do think Tony was the most loved guy at the entire conference.

so… after the Q and A that included Dr Garth and Big D (and personally no insult to Dr. Garth but I love Big D he’s funny as shit) Connie Stapleton and Chef Dave, we broke for a bit rested for a bit and then came together for DINNER

Chicken, black beans, onions and peppers, cheese, salsa, etc… and amazingly enough a tortilla/taco shell that I did not have… (even though I eat those evil carbs ya know)

after dinner debbie went to sleep pretty early… I went to play with Andrea and Beth some more and ended up in their room drinking Clicktinis.. and eating cupcakes…

now this sounds terrible horrible and no good in terms of health and such but if you look at it in the whole it’s not so bad.

first of all I drank maybe 1/4 cup of a clicktini… i’m not a drinker…  and cupcakes.. maybe 2 bites…  but i was hanging out with my goofy girlfriends… and that’s all we are is a bunch of formerly fat chicks having fun….

I headed back to my room a little after 11 and was up at 6 am the next morning…

we had seminars… and I’m going to be honest… I didn’t sit in on all of them…

I love Mary Jo but I could teach her a few things about a good sex life…

Dr Garth bless his heart… I loved salads and such before surgery… but now Oscar… he prefers steak… we feed him what he wants….

Anyway,  after the sessions we went to Caddilac Ranch for Dinner.  I rode a mechanical bull, I danced in the streets with Melting Mama… (and made a Cincinnati Cop smile)… and then back to my room.. change my clothes and PARTY down..

first the fashion show… we got there a bit late but it was awesome… MaryAnn was beautiful and Theresa made me cry then there was a marriage proposal and everyone cheered

Finally there was Dancing… and I was a Dancing Fool… I danced and partied from 9-nearly 1 am including  some spontaneous lobby yoga, 3 cartwheels and other fun and games with the gang…

bed and sleep followed.

next morning was breakfast and packing and out we went… drove home did not speed… left Cinci at about 11 am in B-more and at Starbucks and Trader Joes by 8 pm

got starbucks and took Debbie on her virgin tour of Trader Joes… got a few things… and home..

there is so much i’m forgetting but that’s it for now.

OMG!  just OMG!  how to put this all into words (and without pictures since they are on facebook and I cannot get to them at this time… hopefully when I am home I will remember to add them…)

Let’s do the time line… it will be easier…

Thursday August 19th

after dinner I went to get my good Friend Nikki so that her car could stay at her momma’s house.   Thus began my fun.   We got to my house and Girl Child’s WONDERFUL strong boyfriend moved all the stuff into the van for us.  Nik and I managed to hang out and still get to bed around 12 am ish I believe. I dyed my hair,  I packed.  not much but enough in fact still yet again I packed more than I needed… but it was good nevertheless….

Friday August 20th…  TRAVEL DAY

The alarm was set for 4:45.  Debbie (we must get her a blog so I can link for her too) was very early and tried knocking on the door, calling the cell phones and getting no response… she ended up calling the house phone and up we got.. I let her in, woke Nikki… (she’s so NOT pleasantly awake at  0′dark:30)… I had showered the night before when I did my hair so I was grab and go… Nik got a shower and we grabbed a few things and after kissing my hubby off we went… (I was the only one that kissed him btw)….

WE got on 70 going West.  This was my first going west trip ever… we drove.  we had Garmin with us.  My lovely Garmin Nuvi  Wide Screen with the British voice (cause the American girl WHINES)…. She also tells me how fast I’m going but I ignore her mostly…

AND I got a SPEEDING TICKET…. deserved….  truly.  Yes Mr. Ohio Police Officer I was going 1-20 miles over the limit…  I clocked me at 77 you allege I was doing 80  I like easy numbers to work with so 15 over the limit works for me… 80 in a 65… skies sunny, traffic light… all on the ticket.. the $100.00 ticket.  NO POINTS in MD for this… and I thought it would be more than 100 dollars… so I see the cop, hit the brakes and see him start to move… i pull to the right.. and tell Debbie and Nik..   “he got me”…    Debbie didn’t think so but I knew… and yeppers he pulled behind me and flashed the lights and OVER I went… NO PROBLEM…. at least not for me… poor Debbie was horrified…  “tell him you were keeping up with traffic”  she said…  “nope I wasn’t. I WAS speeding… he got me I earned it…” and I did.  I was speeding.  I had Nik find the registration and Debbie got my license… I rolled down the windows and he walks over to the Passenger side of the van… he was very polite if not a bit confused… as you will see:

I roll down the window and say hello and acknowledge before he can say anything that I know I was speeding… I had him my license and registration.  I’m forgetting that my license says I weigh 240 pounds… and has a picture of me at 240 pounds…. (i had NOT lied on the last license since 240 was down from where I had been and I was thrilled with that)  I weigh about 165 now but I look nearly 20 pounds lighter than that….

Ohio Officer:  “I clocked you at 80″

Me:     “yes sir i was speeding”

OO:   where are you ladies headed?

ME:  Cincinnati

OO:   are you in a rush?

ME:   Yes sir I am.  (i thought he was going to be rendered totally speechless at this point)

OO:  What do you do for a living?  (odd question yes???)

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government

OO:   WHAT???

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government  (btw that’s ALWAYS what I say not just for his benefit)

OO:  oh because on the back of the car is a bumpersticker-

ME: (cutting him off)   oh yes that says  “my other car is a school bus”  yes, this is my husband’s car and he’s a school bus driver and had he been driving we would NOT have been speeding (which is damn true)….

OO:  well I’ll be back with the ticket and you can sign and be on your way

he goes and writes the ticket and comes back to me and we chitty chat a bit about stuff and somehow the fact that I’m much smaller now than what’s on my License comes up and I say

ME:  well I’ve lost a lot of weight

OO:  everywhere but your foot…

which actually was kind of cute…

I did not speed the rest of the trip!

we get to the hotel around 3 pm… unload the car and opt to pay for regular parking… oy I screwed that up too.. bashed in the side of my husband’s van big time with yellow paint and everything… looks horrible.  Door still works but it’s bad.. he forgives me… he’s a good guy and I’m a maroon…

we got to our room I shared with Debbie… and then hit the Q and A session…

I came out and found ANDREA and BETH (Melting Mama) and bless Beth the first words out of her mouth were “OMG YOURE SO SKINNY”  and she meant it!   made me feel great….

and here is where I will stop with part 1… there’s more to come  cupcakes and yoga and Clicktinis….

Do you all know about Lauren’s Hope ?  I love this place for the service, the best medical alert jewelery around and the overall beauty of the site…   I’m posting a link here and a permanent Link on the side ~~~> so that you can all find it from my blog…

They are great to talk to on the phone.  I once ordered a bracelet and they did not have the colors ordered. They called me and we picked different colors and OMG I love this bracelet so much it’s the one I wear all the time…  I need to send it back and have it resized as its’ getting too big but I hate to give it up even that long.

they have a ladybug bracelet... I’m saving for it…. love it..

not pretty….s0 why posted… well look at those calves… the DO NOT TOUCH

the body is proportional  the waist rather small

the butt NOT VISIBLE ON THE SIDES

the arms… nicely muscular

no double chin and YES those are metallic teal fingernails

I had just spent nearly 2 hours in the gym

1 hour on the treadmill

half an hour lifting

half an hour stretching.

who ever would have thunk that’s how I would WANT to spend a saturday morning…

go me!