Continued from Here (part 1 of this)

At the Q and A I got to HUG TONY!  OMG he’s so tall and SO THIN and so HOT… he’s really awesome. I love him and wish he lived closer… I need a brother friend… I do think Tony was the most loved guy at the entire conference.

so… after the Q and A that included Dr Garth and Big D (and personally no insult to Dr. Garth but I love Big D he’s funny as shit) Connie Stapleton and Chef Dave, we broke for a bit rested for a bit and then came together for DINNER

Chicken, black beans, onions and peppers, cheese, salsa, etc… and amazingly enough a tortilla/taco shell that I did not have… (even though I eat those evil carbs ya know)

after dinner debbie went to sleep pretty early… I went to play with Andrea and Beth some more and ended up in their room drinking Clicktinis.. and eating cupcakes…

now this sounds terrible horrible and no good in terms of health and such but if you look at it in the whole it’s not so bad.

first of all I drank maybe 1/4 cup of a clicktini… i’m not a drinker…  and cupcakes.. maybe 2 bites…  but i was hanging out with my goofy girlfriends… and that’s all we are is a bunch of formerly fat chicks having fun….

I headed back to my room a little after 11 and was up at 6 am the next morning…

we had seminars… and I’m going to be honest… I didn’t sit in on all of them…

I love Mary Jo but I could teach her a few things about a good sex life…

Dr Garth bless his heart… I loved salads and such before surgery… but now Oscar… he prefers steak… we feed him what he wants….

Anyway,  after the sessions we went to Caddilac Ranch for Dinner.  I rode a mechanical bull, I danced in the streets with Melting Mama… (and made a Cincinnati Cop smile)… and then back to my room.. change my clothes and PARTY down..

first the fashion show… we got there a bit late but it was awesome… MaryAnn was beautiful and Theresa made me cry then there was a marriage proposal and everyone cheered

Finally there was Dancing… and I was a Dancing Fool… I danced and partied from 9-nearly 1 am including  some spontaneous lobby yoga, 3 cartwheels and other fun and games with the gang…

bed and sleep followed.

next morning was breakfast and packing and out we went… drove home did not speed… left Cinci at about 11 am in B-more and at Starbucks and Trader Joes by 8 pm

got starbucks and took Debbie on her virgin tour of Trader Joes… got a few things… and home..

there is so much i’m forgetting but that’s it for now.

OMG!  just OMG!  how to put this all into words (and without pictures since they are on facebook and I cannot get to them at this time… hopefully when I am home I will remember to add them…)

Let’s do the time line… it will be easier…

Thursday August 19th

after dinner I went to get my good Friend Nikki so that her car could stay at her momma’s house.   Thus began my fun.   We got to my house and Girl Child’s WONDERFUL strong boyfriend moved all the stuff into the van for us.  Nik and I managed to hang out and still get to bed around 12 am ish I believe. I dyed my hair,  I packed.  not much but enough in fact still yet again I packed more than I needed… but it was good nevertheless….

Friday August 20th…  TRAVEL DAY

The alarm was set for 4:45.  Debbie (we must get her a blog so I can link for her too) was very early and tried knocking on the door, calling the cell phones and getting no response… she ended up calling the house phone and up we got.. I let her in, woke Nikki… (she’s so NOT pleasantly awake at  0′dark:30)… I had showered the night before when I did my hair so I was grab and go… Nik got a shower and we grabbed a few things and after kissing my hubby off we went… (I was the only one that kissed him btw)….

WE got on 70 going West.  This was my first going west trip ever… we drove.  we had Garmin with us.  My lovely Garmin Nuvi  Wide Screen with the British voice (cause the American girl WHINES)…. She also tells me how fast I’m going but I ignore her mostly…

AND I got a SPEEDING TICKET…. deserved….  truly.  Yes Mr. Ohio Police Officer I was going 1-20 miles over the limit…  I clocked me at 77 you allege I was doing 80  I like easy numbers to work with so 15 over the limit works for me… 80 in a 65… skies sunny, traffic light… all on the ticket.. the $100.00 ticket.  NO POINTS in MD for this… and I thought it would be more than 100 dollars… so I see the cop, hit the brakes and see him start to move… i pull to the right.. and tell Debbie and Nik..   “he got me”…    Debbie didn’t think so but I knew… and yeppers he pulled behind me and flashed the lights and OVER I went… NO PROBLEM…. at least not for me… poor Debbie was horrified…  “tell him you were keeping up with traffic”  she said…  “nope I wasn’t. I WAS speeding… he got me I earned it…” and I did.  I was speeding.  I had Nik find the registration and Debbie got my license… I rolled down the windows and he walks over to the Passenger side of the van… he was very polite if not a bit confused… as you will see:

I roll down the window and say hello and acknowledge before he can say anything that I know I was speeding… I had him my license and registration.  I’m forgetting that my license says I weigh 240 pounds… and has a picture of me at 240 pounds…. (i had NOT lied on the last license since 240 was down from where I had been and I was thrilled with that)  I weigh about 165 now but I look nearly 20 pounds lighter than that….

Ohio Officer:  “I clocked you at 80″

Me:     “yes sir i was speeding”

OO:   where are you ladies headed?

ME:  Cincinnati

OO:   are you in a rush?

ME:   Yes sir I am.  (i thought he was going to be rendered totally speechless at this point)

OO:  What do you do for a living?  (odd question yes???)

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government

OO:   WHAT???

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government  (btw that’s ALWAYS what I say not just for his benefit)

OO:  oh because on the back of the car is a bumpersticker-

ME: (cutting him off)   oh yes that says  “my other car is a school bus”  yes, this is my husband’s car and he’s a school bus driver and had he been driving we would NOT have been speeding (which is damn true)….

OO:  well I’ll be back with the ticket and you can sign and be on your way

he goes and writes the ticket and comes back to me and we chitty chat a bit about stuff and somehow the fact that I’m much smaller now than what’s on my License comes up and I say

ME:  well I’ve lost a lot of weight

OO:  everywhere but your foot…

which actually was kind of cute…

I did not speed the rest of the trip!

we get to the hotel around 3 pm… unload the car and opt to pay for regular parking… oy I screwed that up too.. bashed in the side of my husband’s van big time with yellow paint and everything… looks horrible.  Door still works but it’s bad.. he forgives me… he’s a good guy and I’m a maroon…

we got to our room I shared with Debbie… and then hit the Q and A session…

I came out and found ANDREA and BETH (Melting Mama) and bless Beth the first words out of her mouth were “OMG YOURE SO SKINNY”  and she meant it!   made me feel great….

and here is where I will stop with part 1… there’s more to come  cupcakes and yoga and Clicktinis….

Do you all know about Lauren’s Hope ?  I love this place for the service, the best medical alert jewelery around and the overall beauty of the site…   I’m posting a link here and a permanent Link on the side ~~~> so that you can all find it from my blog…

They are great to talk to on the phone.  I once ordered a bracelet and they did not have the colors ordered. They called me and we picked different colors and OMG I love this bracelet so much it’s the one I wear all the time…  I need to send it back and have it resized as its’ getting too big but I hate to give it up even that long.

they have a ladybug bracelet... I’m saving for it…. love it..

Today is ten months that I started my new life.  Ten months ago on September 22, 2009, I was in surgery at this time.  I was having  Roux-En-Y Gastric Bypass with Dr. David von Rueden as my surgeon.    The man is very talented.   I’ve had a wonderful ride. Easy recovery.  Fabulous results.  I could not be more pleased.

September 22, 2009 I woke up very early and got to the hospital early.  My darling husband who had his surgery just 5 weeks before me took me. Our friend Norman sat with him.  God bless Norman. He is ALWAYS there for us.  He sat with me the day of Brian’s surgery… Anyway… I’ve written about this before so I’m not going to rehash it.  I was in the hospital overnight and most of Wednesday with my dear friend Angie who had WLS with Dr. Andrew Averbach about 6 months before I had my surgery.    I was home by dinner time on the 23^rd.. the first few months are not strong in my memory any more.

What is strong for me now is that I LIVE MY LIFE!  Heck we went to a small county fair last night… Hubby and I split a pit ham sandwich. I ate mostly the meat from my half with a bit of the bread. I scarfed a few fries from girl child. I had about 2/3 of a small vanilla Ice milk cone… threw the cone away.  I ate TWO BITES of girl child’s fried dough…   And I’m LIVING.  Even with a cranky pouch that can eat very little (which I’m actually rather pleased with… I pray this small pouch continues forever and ever amen…) protein or veggies I can manage some serious carbs, nuts or fruit as needed…. But I never feel deprived.  Or that I’m missing anything.  But of course I don’t drink alcohol and don’t miss it. And I never was a soda drinker…

So where do I stand.   At my heaviest weight ever known at home I weighed 286.   That’s 121.4 pounds MORE than I weigh now.  That’s more than some people weigh. I’ve lost a person.   This morning I weighed 164.6; that is a New LOW weight for me since I was about 30 or so.  I actually can’t recall the last time I weighed that.    It means I have to lose about 14 more pounds.  FOURTEEN…. How freaking Normal is that.  I weighed 253 the morning of surgery so I have lost 88.4 pounds.   IN TEN MONTHS.  Never have I done that without surgery.  It took me  2 years with SOUTH BEACH DIET  to go from 286 to 206…. And I struggled.  I even exercised some.   I never loved exercise. I never felt healthy.  I never felt like I could be at goal at 206.  I feel like I could be at goal at 165.  I do. AND I found out I do like to exercise… and walk and lift weights and DO YOGA…

Would I have this surgery again. YOU BET.  Am I worried about regain?  YOU BET.   So would I have had DS?  Naw I don’t think so.  I LIKE the options with RNY.  THE ONLY THING I MISS is my NSAIDS.  I Like that I MIGHT DUMP (and it’s really so damn random with me that I never know if I will or not but I risk it. I had ice milk last night…  I like that I can’t eat and drink at the same time.  It keeps my snacking down to a minimum.  I like my tiny pouch.  Yes, I know it will grow over time.  But at 10 months out its still TEENY TINY and that’s a good thing.

So why is having this tool so much EASIER than any other tool?

What is so MAGIC about WLS?   Ah what a nice segue  to the MAGIC part of WLS.

Apparently WLS is Magic.  I just have the surgery and I wake up thin.  Oh I wish it were so.

Why do folks think it’s magic.  DO they not think I work at this? Do they not think I struggle?  Does the  weight fall off.  UMM NO.

Not always. Not often.  NOT SUPPOSED TO.  Weight loss surgery is tool that gives a person the chance to learn to do the right things.  IT means I learn to eat the right amounts of the right foods.  Damn there we go back to that TOOL again…   naw it’s not a tool it’s magic… you aren’t hungry.  Oh so if I’m not hungry then I CHEAT at dieting huh?

Who did I cheat?  Did I cheat death?  You bet. I’m not going to die in ten years from morbid obesity and the related crap that goes with it.   Did I cheat YOU?  Nope.  It’s not a contest…  therefore there IS NO CHEATING…

Did I CHEAT MYSELF?  Umm how?  Because I found a most awesome tool that allows me to learn what a proper portion of ANY food is?  Granted I am lucky. I can eat fat. I eat avocado. I drink half and half, I  use oil and full fat cheese and full fat salad dressing.  Some RNY folks dump on those things.  I do not.  I can even manage small amounts of sugar.  I have not had major dumping issues esp if I follow a full protein/fat meal with a bit of sugar.  JUST LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.   I will eat 3 or 4 shrimp that are grilled or sautéed (not breaded and fried) or some lobster or some crab or even a small yummy steak… and then for dessert IF I have the room I will have the bite of someone’s something yummy .  And the wonderful thing is that ONE bite is often enough. I do not feel the need or compulsion to eat past full.  That may be magic to you. And maybe that is part of the RNY magic…  KNOWING that if I want it I can have it has rendered ALL foods powerless.  Knowing that eating till full is a bad thing, knowing that I can eat it at any time  in small amounts is not cheating.  It’s how “normal folks” live.  It’s how intuitive skinny people live.  I am still contemplating dinner tonight.  NO clue what I want. But I know it will be protein first as I am at only 59 g of protein so far today… oh yeah that SPARK PEOPLE website is a GREAT TOOL  as is my GoWEAR fit. While the gowear fit may not be attractive to some it’s the most beautiful accessory I have.  It gives me feedback that tells me my choices are spot on with my chosen path to health. And my plan is just that A PLAN.   I know what I will be doing for the REST OF MY LIFE in terms of my health.   I will be eating small portions of MOSTLY good for me FOOD… I will be exercising way more than I ever thought I would want to (and yes I DO Like it… but that’s because I FOUND stuff I like to do… and that my friends is the KEY… do not do things because you have to. Do not do things you hate… find things you love to do and DO THEM.

Find foods you love to eat and EAT THEM.  In small amounts.  Sparingly. AS NEEDED NOT AS WANTED…  (yes I NEED cheesecake just not every day).    Lately I NEED quesadillas.  EVERY DAY.  So I eat them.  Either I buy them and eat a small small portion of them or I make them at home and eat one of my baby quesadillas…

I wanted to separate magic, easy and cheating into three distinct areas and discuss them.  It’s not happening… as with most of the things in my life one part overlaps the other.

My life has really changed in the last year….  As have my opinions.  I admit there was a time I thought WLS the easy way out. I had that whole holier  than thou attitude about losing weight.  I could do it through sheer willpower.   Well I could.  Over and over and over but I could never maintain it enough to start back up and only have 17 pounds left to lose.  Maintaining is HARD WORK.  I am scared of it.

I do not want this to fail but I know if I follow the rules like I have been I will be fine.

Yes there ARE DAYS I graze.  Yes there are days  I eat way too many carby things… But 90-95% of the time I am spot on with the plan.  Can you say that about your life?   Has the gym or your exercise become critical like brushing your teeth?  My trainer and I were talking about that the other day and she and I both said… “if I don’t work out I feel like I have not brushed my teeth”… it’s become that important to me.   Yes there are days I wanna skip it… but I know if I skip it I will pay for it physically later… maybe not that day but the next week….

Will VLC clients maintain their loss. Probably not. Will most DIETERS maintain their loss.  Probably not.  Will folks who have made permanent changes in their habits maintain their loss.  Maybe. Hopefully.  DIETING IS HARD.  LIFESTYLE changes are hard.   Am I scared to be a WLS failure. YOU BET!  But that’s what makes me so hopeful that I’ll succeed.

All of these things are TOOLS that we need to make our changes permanent which ones are OK with you and which ones are not?

Atkins Diet  (from A)

Weight Watchers

TOPS

Overeaters Anonymous

VLCS

Scales (both food and weight)

Exercise (walking, gym, sports or whatever makes you move)

Measuring Cups

Food Journals

Weight Loss Surgery

Smaller Plates

Jenny Craig

NutraSystems

Diet to GO

Optifast

Medifast

RAW Foods Diet

Vegetarian Diet

Sugar Busters Diet

BMI Calculators

Tape Measures

Curves

Gold’s Gym

Intuitive Eating Plans

Zone Diet (to Z)

The ones that make my skin crawl probably are not the same as the ones that make your crawl.   Everyone is different.

The problem is so many folks go:

working out is hard.  Yes it is. I do  it every day (what happened to that EASY way out with WLS???)

Or  NOT eating sugar is HARD   Yes it is.. I would much rather eat Crème Brule every day than once a month or so.

Or  I wish I could eat  <insert a food here that you love but you can’t’ eat any more because YOU choose not to eat it as part of your LIFESTYLE CHANGE>.. yep I hear you I can’t eat chicken anymore on my EASY plan.    How much fun is that… I LOVE chicken.  CHICKEN does NOT love me…  the key is you can always revert to eating your “forbidden food” if you choose to.  I may never be able to chow down on chicken again… so  now what’s so easy.

Do you have to set an alarm to make sure to take all your supplements?  I do. I take vitamins twice a day, I take calcium every two hours. I take IRON.  I take fiber, magnesium, D3, and B12 every day.   I will for the rest of my life.   I do not want Rickets or ulcers so I can’t take NSAIDS.  What do you take for pain?  Pop an Aleve?  Or a Motrin?  Or aspirin?   NONE of those are options for me ever again…. Tell me again how easy this is?

And before you start telling me that this was MY CHOICE… yep it was.  And Yes I knew about these things and NO I am NOT complaining, I am just pointing out that EVERYTHING we do in our lives has hardships.  I just opted to pick what hardships I wished to endure.  I would never choose  VLC dieting as my choice for weight loss as I have NEVER known anyone who kept the weight off permanently.   Heck no one I know on a DIET kept ALL their weight off permanently as everyone goes off the diet.  Even with WLS if you don’t follow the rules you will fail.

There are rules to all diets.  There are rules to all tools..  There ARE RULES TO WLS that have to be followed to make it work…

Rules that include:

Get enough fluids (all diets)

Protein first (most diets)

MOVE your tush  (all plans say you will do better with exercise)

Plan your meals (some say 3 meals a day no snacks some say 3 meal  and three snacks a day)

Measure your portions  (even diets with unlimited veggies have you measuring some of your intake right?)

So tell me again why WLS is the easy way out?

Oh yeah I know why…. Because I have a tool that now allows me to say NO more easily to things early on.

This is a very very long post… I will break it down into  parts.

This is PART ONE

Background

How about NONE of the above?

I am getting SICK and TIRED of the ARROGANT and IGNORANT people who think that Weight Loss Surgery is ANY of the above.

First of all let’s address the two aspects of MY type of WLS.

I had Roux-en-y Gastric Bypass (RNY).  The Roux-en-Y gastric bypass procedure involves creating a stomach pouch out of a small portion of the stomach and attaching it directly to the small intestine, bypassing a large part of the stomach and duodenum. Not only is the stomach pouch too small to hold large amounts of food, but by skipping the duodenum, fat absorption is substantially reduced. In addition, the amounts of food we can eat are greatly reduced.  I used to eat and eat and eat.  An unaltered stomach can (and does) hold up to SIXTEEN CUPS of food.  My pouch now holds probably 6-8 oz or so.  Eventually it will grow to hold 8-12 oz.  Much better than 16 cups don’t you think???

In addition I have some rules that have to be followed.  At this point there are two food rules that I live and die by:

1.   PROTEIN FIRST.  I strive for 100g of protein a day but I tend to be ok with a range of 80-120.   My doctor would be happy with 60-80 but I work out pretty hard for his standard patient and I’ve been well educated by the likes of Andrea, Nikki  and Melting Mama so I tend to be more aggressive with things like protein and supplements (vitamins and such)

2.  NEVER EAT and DRINK at the same time.  AND wait at least 30 minutes after eating before drinking.   I do drink up until the time I put food in my mouth but once I eat I stop drinking.  I will never ever break this rule on purpose (I’ve done  it by mistake but not on purpose)

There are also rules about sugar and fat but I tend to bend those a bit..

So what does this mean for me?  It means is, I can eat very little food at this point. Eventually I should be able to eat what is considered A NORMAL amount of food.  The problem with this is that what OUR society (vs. what is medically necessary) considers a normal amount of food is EXCESSIVE to the extreme at this point.

I wish sometimes that I could eat more. But  I can’t.  And what the surgery has taught me in the extreme is that YES I can survive and THRIVE on the amount of food I am ingesting daily.  I thrive, I work out, I live. I enjoy.   It’s a good life. I have NO deprivation of any kind.  Thankfully I am not in any way shape or form suffering from side effects or problems.  I have friends that struggle so to stay healthy that my delight in how easy this feels (and yes right NOW it does feel easy) sometimes become guilt.

I had this surgery nearly ten months ago on September 22, 2009.  It was my rebirth in many ways.  I thought about having lap band but I like the malabsorption part of the RNY, even if it does not last forever. (Well to be honest the malabsorption of the nutrients does but the caloric malabsorption goes away sadly) I like that my pouch is tiny.  It still is tiny by the way. I was thinking at 10 months out I should be eating much more normal amounts and sometimes I can.  Most times however, I eat ¼ of a serving of something (half of a half) and call it a day. In fact, I went to lunch today with Leslie, Sylvie, Angie and Brian showed up.  Between the FIVE of us, we ordered TWO quesadillas.  We all had leftovers.  I had about 3 tortilla chips with salsa and TWO small wedges of steak quesadilla.  Oh and a couple of spoonfuls of rice and refried beans… YUMMY.  AND DONE.   AND then, (but wait there’s more) Angie Bri and I hit STARBUCKS for large (venti) iced decaf coffees.  That’s gone now too… I will have a snack later.. I will enjoy a dinner and a snack and more iced decaf…. And somehow today I will manage to get in about 1500 calories, 100g of protein, 150g of carbs and 60g of fat or so… and yet… I still continue to lose weight.  Maybe that’s the part that’s EASY.  The fact that I’m living and doing it well and I’m happy?

Is life supposed to be hard?  I don’t think so.   So let’s talk about these ideas of  CHEATING, MAGIC or EASY….

Ah July 1^st where is this year going, where is this summer going?  Where is my life going?    New month, new beginning, scale talk, so many things in my brain today…  I am just past 9 months out from a Roux-en-y gastric bypass and I am struggling today with the fact that maybe I’m at the tail end of my easy time….  How sad this makes me..

How in the world could I be DONE at 9 months… and the non-reptilian part of my brain says “STUPID you’re NOT DONE”…. but then there is the  purely emotional part of me that says  OMG I lost less than TWO POUNDS for the entire CALENDAR MONTH OF JUNE 2010… I must be DONE….   ummm how about… just stalled.. And not even really stalled I lost .35 pounds per week over a 4 week period.  NOT quite half a pound but it’s still A LOSS… RIGHT?   Who am I trying to convince??  WHAT am I trying to convince myself of?  And WHO am I being competitive with?  Probably me, myself and I….

Ok I admit it.  I wanna be a skinny bitch. Totally.  I wanna be a size 8.  I admit it.  I want a flat belly…  NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I actually considered ever so briefly the other day that 128 would be a good weight for me.  Then reality hits me like a cold wet slap in the face… I may be 5’2” but I’m still about 170 pounds and a size 12… and I console myself with the fact that it’s VANITY sizing. I want to be Marilyn Monroe Size 12…not this stupid size 12 is the old size 16 crap….

Why do I let the scale rule my mind?  Why in the world do I say I’m a FAILURE because I lost  XX or DIDN”T lose XX in a particular CALENDAR month….

And that’s all it is the CALENDAR MONTH…

I look at what I’ve lost from my HEAVIEST known weight.  I use 286 which was my scale at home. I am sure I was heavier at one point.  I do recall the doc had me once at 293 but that was a long time ago and my records are not showing that… but I remember it…  and I count 253 from the morning of surgery as my start weight for this current adventure… 100 pounds would be so cool to lose.  My goal of 151 would make it 102… and 128 would be 125 pounds even… I get goose bumps thinking about that.  It’s got to be unrealistic for me to think I could weigh 128.  I have 111 pounds currently of lean body mass… I need about 41 pounds of fat… so I should weigh about 152…. Or thereabouts… 128 is INSANE… so  I’m down 116 from my solid heaviest.  I’m about 20 pounds from GOAL or am I 42 pounds from goal???  There is no way I could maintain 128… there is no way I will look HEALTHY at 128… but my brain says.. TRY IT… just TRY IT SEE HOW you look… as it is I think my face is starting to look a bit gaunt and I still insist on losing 20 pounds.  OF course my body may have other ideas and I may be done.  Which is what I feel is where I am.  NOW I know it’s a stall. I know that I’m probably not done… but I’m SCARED that I’m done.  I DON”T WANNA BE DONE!   I wanna be a skinny bitch…

So how do I reconcile what society tells me about my weight with feeling good, looking good and doing the right thing…

Right now I don’t feel so good.. My left hamstring hurts.  Why?  Cause I was RUNNING on Tuesday and I pulled it a bit… RUNNING… not jogging, not WALKING… RUNNING… OMG… who ever thought I would WANT TO RUN!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!  But I do.  I like it.  My brain likes it.  My right side hurts a lot too but that’s chronic and annoying more than anything and I just deal with it.  Same with my horrible terrible no good very bad knees… torn meniscus on the left, arthritis on the right… here I am stuck in the middle with me…  BUT how much worse would I be if I hadn’t lost over 100 pounds or gotten my fat tush to the gym nearly EVERY DAY.  I go to the gym and work out not because of how I feel when I am doing it but how I feel the next morning.  I am able to move and bend most of the time fairly easily… and I know if I was not working out I’d be stiff and sore all the time…  So I feel pretty good… better than I did a year ago.

But then I wonder am I eating right?  I mean the calories I burn are about 2200 most days.  I think I should burn more but I seem to be burning less and less… this makes me cry…  Why is it on HARD workout days I still only burn about 2300 calories… WHAT am I doing WRONG???  OR am I just so damn short I have no choice.    UGH… good things come in small packages…. I wanna be taller so I can weigh more…. If I was taller I’d be DONE…  It sucks REALLY…

I mean the Go Wear Fit says I show a HUGE calorie deficit (over 900 per day on average)… so why am I NOT losing?? Maybe I’m not eating enough?   I can’t help but think I’m not eating enough… I don’t know what to think…  I just feel like crying.

I’m truly insane however… I’m having an average loss of 8 pounds a month or about 2 pounds a week… it’s NOT SHABBY. And I was told I ‘glow” that I look healthy… I was told yesterday that I “get more beautiful EVERY DAY”… so why oh why am I so defeated?

Why am I so scared I’m done.  Why do I feel like such a failure… do I need to just keep on keeping on or do I need to shake it up… how do I decide.. is 2 pounds enough of  a loss to say I’m still losing???

NOT a baby… no no no…  Today is my NINE MONTH SURGIVERSAY… yep 9 months ago today I was in surgery.  It’s amazing how fast it goes.   This is an idea of my day now:

ok here’s the daily report:

scale: 172.4 this is:

down 1.6 from yesterday
up .8 from last tuesday
down 5 pounds from a month ago ( my surgical monthly report shows that I’m LOW average this month)
down .6 for the entire MONTH of JUNE

down 80.4 from surgery date which is just under 9 pounds per month… ugh.  I wish it was more.

oh and I’m down 113.4 from the heaviest on my home scale.  wow that’s almost a whole person.

basically the TREND is good… and isn’t that what matters?

fashion: blue crop pants with the blue flowered top, diamond drop earrings (hair is up today so that’s an important point) white sandals. going to be mid 90s today… we are going to hit 100 on Thursday it appears…

exercise: after work… will ATTEMPT the first C25K podcast today IF the ankle settles down. it has been going out the last two days. the chip is moving and it hurts to dorsi-flex (toes to shin) the joint and sometimes when I step it locks which HURTS badly… when the chip is stationary the ankle is JUST fine… I don’t know if it’s PMS related or weather related or just random but I do know it’s a pain… the knees (thank FSM) are just fine today…. I will also do some weight work and my stretching today

food:

commute: click/milk/protein/coffee  (this is the daily breakfast 99.9% of the time)
snack: yogurt
lunch: cottage cheese w/cucumber and tomato pita puffs (salty little puffs of air with minimal nutritional value)
snack: cheese and banana (pre-workout)
dinner: something cool…. it’s HOT….
LNS: fudge pop probably

this is a pretty typical day for me.

of course I wake up around 5 am (and loll in bed about 15 minutes with dogs and hubby)

i get up

I potty  (and hope that the colace, magnesium oxide and benefiber of the day before worked)

I brush my teeth

I get on the scale NAKED…. while I may weigh more than ONCE I only count the first weigh.  I would say 99% of the time.  Occasionally it’s way to whacked out (too low or too high) to be accurate….so I reweigh to find something closer to the day before.

today is not a gym MORNING (it is however a gym DAY) so I shower and dress for the office and take the gym bag with the gear with me for after work.   In fact,  almost EVERY day is a gym day now…  who would have ever thought I would love going to the gym.  I wish my knees and ankle were happier with me about it… and I wish my butt/back/piraformis did not hurt so much… but I wonder how bad it would be if I didn’t go to the gym almost daily.

Yes I am in the gym pretty much everyday.  I usually skip either Saturday or Sunday (usually Sunday) but this past week I skipped Saturday.  AND if I don’t have plans and bri is racing I might go both days anyway.  I am thinking of trying the Couch to 5k but I worry that I’m doing too much with my ankle and bad knees… Yes KNEES… the left knee has a torn meniscus and a misplaced Baker’s Cyst… the right knee.. arthritis.   so not cool… so not happy about this.  oh and my ankle is acting up again…

It does not stop me from hitting the gym. I love Yoga. I love the stretch, I like to lift, I even like to run but my body takes a pounding….

Food is a bit more complicated.  I eat more fat and carbs and calories than you would think I should but less than the gowear fit thinks i should.   Maybe that’s why I’m stalled this month.

Yes I lost 5 pounds during the surgical month of 5/22-6/22 but I’ve lost NOTHING for the month of June. and that makes me sad and frustrated.  It’s not abnormal.  It could be from eating too many carbs, it could be from not eating enough food.  it could be from not drinking enough water, it could be from many things or nothing at all.. who knows.

all i can do is keep moving forward… can’t believe it’s been 9 months now… wow.