I am in a bad place.
I did a bad thing
I hurt someone I love more than life itself in many ways.
I hurt myself in the process.

right now I hate me.

It’s Wednesday… It’s hump day…. it’s the day before my darling husband turns 40… I must go get him a card today as tonight is our celebration… Tomorrow he works half a day and then he’s off to the races… he’s going to February Freeze which is a big remote control car race.   He has gone before but this is the first year he’s really going for the whole time.  He will be gone Thursday through Sunday… it’s good for him… he loves racing his little cars and he loves his friends.

And it’s good for me… I get to go visit a friend too…  and visiting this friend is FUN… I get to be mindless and childish and just relax and kick back and not work too hard at anything other than napping… maybe watching an old movie or two… oh and EATING… JUNK… I eat  and drink whatever I want when I visit friends….

I look forward to these visits.. probably more than I should… it gets me away from my day to day life..  if only for a little while…  usually a 23 hour reprieve.. sounds much like a hospital stay when outpatient is authorized…  this visit is a bit longer… about 48 hours.. I plan to make the most of it…

I should do a bathroom fashion show today but my heart is just not in it.  My pumps.. my favorite black pumps with the black bows… are TOO BIG… most of my shoes are too big… I look like I”m wearing mommy’s shoes.  I am actually going to go at lunch and get new shoes.   And I have to find something to eat for lunch…. and I can be a bit flexible… because well because the scale was below 150 today.

Below 150… it’s magic for me…  I went away for the weekend with hubby… to Lancaster.  It’s my FAVORITE place in the world for so many reasons…one of which is the FOOD… peanut butter covered pretzels.. full fat cottage cheese, apple butter, thick cut bacon, home made ice cream… yummy stuff… but the scale on monday was 153. It was well deserved and I just knew exactly what to do…

I used my tool… I stopped all the mindless munching.. I dropped all the simple carbs and went high protein… and poof two days later I’m down just over 3 pounds…  now I know if I stick to protein and no simple carbs I can drop weight easily… and yes there were times yesterday I was hungry but not overwhelmingly hungry… I could cope… I even ate a bit of bread…  and life is good.

Today I’m a bit more relaxed but still watching it…  I did my walking and my yoga… I feel good.

Just feeling like I should post something.

Life has changed in so many ways

Brian is FIVE POUNDS from losing 200 pounds.  He was 282 this morning.. so he wants to go back to the gym.  I think his plan is to come back on the 15th but I plan to go with Matt.  I like working out with him.   He makes me RUN and that feels GOOD and it’s good for me… I don’t lift with him but I bet Bri will and that’s good for both of them!

Brian’s happy

I’m HAPPY

my daughter is happy

and we have Matt now.    he seems happy too!

so where do we go from here?  up and out I guess.

Moving him in to our house might seem weird and strange and unusual and it is even to me… BUT we seem to be finding our way as a non-traditional family.  He loves my daughter. My daughter loves him.  May they live long and love long… and stay happy….   Brian and I while stressing do like having him in our home.

And living the way we do, while suspect and odd, works for us.

and we are eating great.  THIS KID CAN COOK and he works hard to learn to make healthy stuff!

and the house is clean

and the best thing.. my daughter smiles and laughs… and she’s growing and maturing daily.

It’s on my mind a lot that they are playing house under our very noses and we not only indulge it we encourage it.  But it seems to be working…

where do we go from here?  I do not know…one day at a time…

Ravens Shirt 1/17/10:

Same Shirt  9/17/10  45 pounds lighter:

Pictures can’t lie….  sometimes I don’t see it  stuff like this helps!

Continued from Here (part 1 of this)

At the Q and A I got to HUG TONY!  OMG he’s so tall and SO THIN and so HOT… he’s really awesome. I love him and wish he lived closer… I need a brother friend… I do think Tony was the most loved guy at the entire conference.

so… after the Q and A that included Dr Garth and Big D (and personally no insult to Dr. Garth but I love Big D he’s funny as shit) Connie Stapleton and Chef Dave, we broke for a bit rested for a bit and then came together for DINNER

Chicken, black beans, onions and peppers, cheese, salsa, etc… and amazingly enough a tortilla/taco shell that I did not have… (even though I eat those evil carbs ya know)

after dinner debbie went to sleep pretty early… I went to play with Andrea and Beth some more and ended up in their room drinking Clicktinis.. and eating cupcakes…

now this sounds terrible horrible and no good in terms of health and such but if you look at it in the whole it’s not so bad.

first of all I drank maybe 1/4 cup of a clicktini… i’m not a drinker…  and cupcakes.. maybe 2 bites…  but i was hanging out with my goofy girlfriends… and that’s all we are is a bunch of formerly fat chicks having fun….

I headed back to my room a little after 11 and was up at 6 am the next morning…

we had seminars… and I’m going to be honest… I didn’t sit in on all of them…

I love Mary Jo but I could teach her a few things about a good sex life…

Dr Garth bless his heart… I loved salads and such before surgery… but now Oscar… he prefers steak… we feed him what he wants….

Anyway,  after the sessions we went to Caddilac Ranch for Dinner.  I rode a mechanical bull, I danced in the streets with Melting Mama… (and made a Cincinnati Cop smile)… and then back to my room.. change my clothes and PARTY down..

first the fashion show… we got there a bit late but it was awesome… MaryAnn was beautiful and Theresa made me cry then there was a marriage proposal and everyone cheered

Finally there was Dancing… and I was a Dancing Fool… I danced and partied from 9-nearly 1 am including  some spontaneous lobby yoga, 3 cartwheels and other fun and games with the gang…

bed and sleep followed.

next morning was breakfast and packing and out we went… drove home did not speed… left Cinci at about 11 am in B-more and at Starbucks and Trader Joes by 8 pm

got starbucks and took Debbie on her virgin tour of Trader Joes… got a few things… and home..

there is so much i’m forgetting but that’s it for now.

OMG!  just OMG!  how to put this all into words (and without pictures since they are on facebook and I cannot get to them at this time… hopefully when I am home I will remember to add them…)

Let’s do the time line… it will be easier…

Thursday August 19th

after dinner I went to get my good Friend Nikki so that her car could stay at her momma’s house.   Thus began my fun.   We got to my house and Girl Child’s WONDERFUL strong boyfriend moved all the stuff into the van for us.  Nik and I managed to hang out and still get to bed around 12 am ish I believe. I dyed my hair,  I packed.  not much but enough in fact still yet again I packed more than I needed… but it was good nevertheless….

Friday August 20th…  TRAVEL DAY

The alarm was set for 4:45.  Debbie (we must get her a blog so I can link for her too) was very early and tried knocking on the door, calling the cell phones and getting no response… she ended up calling the house phone and up we got.. I let her in, woke Nikki… (she’s so NOT pleasantly awake at  0′dark:30)… I had showered the night before when I did my hair so I was grab and go… Nik got a shower and we grabbed a few things and after kissing my hubby off we went… (I was the only one that kissed him btw)….

WE got on 70 going West.  This was my first going west trip ever… we drove.  we had Garmin with us.  My lovely Garmin Nuvi  Wide Screen with the British voice (cause the American girl WHINES)…. She also tells me how fast I’m going but I ignore her mostly…

AND I got a SPEEDING TICKET…. deserved….  truly.  Yes Mr. Ohio Police Officer I was going 1-20 miles over the limit…  I clocked me at 77 you allege I was doing 80  I like easy numbers to work with so 15 over the limit works for me… 80 in a 65… skies sunny, traffic light… all on the ticket.. the $100.00 ticket.  NO POINTS in MD for this… and I thought it would be more than 100 dollars… so I see the cop, hit the brakes and see him start to move… i pull to the right.. and tell Debbie and Nik..   “he got me”…    Debbie didn’t think so but I knew… and yeppers he pulled behind me and flashed the lights and OVER I went… NO PROBLEM…. at least not for me… poor Debbie was horrified…  “tell him you were keeping up with traffic”  she said…  “nope I wasn’t. I WAS speeding… he got me I earned it…” and I did.  I was speeding.  I had Nik find the registration and Debbie got my license… I rolled down the windows and he walks over to the Passenger side of the van… he was very polite if not a bit confused… as you will see:

I roll down the window and say hello and acknowledge before he can say anything that I know I was speeding… I had him my license and registration.  I’m forgetting that my license says I weigh 240 pounds… and has a picture of me at 240 pounds…. (i had NOT lied on the last license since 240 was down from where I had been and I was thrilled with that)  I weigh about 165 now but I look nearly 20 pounds lighter than that….

Ohio Officer:  “I clocked you at 80″

Me:     “yes sir i was speeding”

OO:   where are you ladies headed?

ME:  Cincinnati

OO:   are you in a rush?

ME:   Yes sir I am.  (i thought he was going to be rendered totally speechless at this point)

OO:  What do you do for a living?  (odd question yes???)

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government

OO:   WHAT???

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government  (btw that’s ALWAYS what I say not just for his benefit)

OO:  oh because on the back of the car is a bumpersticker-

ME: (cutting him off)   oh yes that says  “my other car is a school bus”  yes, this is my husband’s car and he’s a school bus driver and had he been driving we would NOT have been speeding (which is damn true)….

OO:  well I’ll be back with the ticket and you can sign and be on your way

he goes and writes the ticket and comes back to me and we chitty chat a bit about stuff and somehow the fact that I’m much smaller now than what’s on my License comes up and I say

ME:  well I’ve lost a lot of weight

OO:  everywhere but your foot…

which actually was kind of cute…

I did not speed the rest of the trip!

we get to the hotel around 3 pm… unload the car and opt to pay for regular parking… oy I screwed that up too.. bashed in the side of my husband’s van big time with yellow paint and everything… looks horrible.  Door still works but it’s bad.. he forgives me… he’s a good guy and I’m a maroon…

we got to our room I shared with Debbie… and then hit the Q and A session…

I came out and found ANDREA and BETH (Melting Mama) and bless Beth the first words out of her mouth were “OMG YOURE SO SKINNY”  and she meant it!   made me feel great….

and here is where I will stop with part 1… there’s more to come  cupcakes and yoga and Clicktinis….

Perhaps I’m pushing the fashion envelope… what do you think do I look cute in my daughter’s dress:

The only shot my phone would send for some reason... not the best picture and I can so see how thin my hair looks.

legs look so chubby here…  but it’s the only shot of the cute outfit (that doesn’t look so cute with a cell phone camera in the bathroom) I wore yesterday….

Here’s the family:

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here’s my OH meeting from Sunday dinner:

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1. shopping for clothes burns more calories than the gym.   nearly 2700 vs nearly 2300 hundred.  so do the shimmies, walk the walk and carry the bags….  just living a full life seems to burn calories…

2.  I eat very little food… i threw most of my yummy stuff out… so the girls bless them said next time I will just graze off their plates…

3.  I really really like these friends.

4. the spa at the Hotel Hershey is wonderful.  OMG to be rich and able to do it all the time… what a treat.