Perhaps I’m pushing the fashion envelope… what do you think do I look cute in my daughter’s dress:
The only shot my phone would send for some reason... not the best picture and I can so see how thin my hair looks.
This is a very very long post… I will break it down into parts.
This is PART ONE
Background
How about NONE of the above?
I am getting SICK and TIRED of the ARROGANT and IGNORANT people who think that Weight Loss Surgery is ANY of the above.
First of all let’s address the two aspects of MY type of WLS.
I had Roux-en-y Gastric Bypass (RNY). The Roux-en-Y gastric bypass procedure involves creating a stomach pouch out of a small portion of the stomach and attaching it directly to the small intestine, bypassing a large part of the stomach and duodenum. Not only is the stomach pouch too small to hold large amounts of food, but by skipping the duodenum, fat absorption is substantially reduced. In addition, the amounts of food we can eat are greatly reduced. I used to eat and eat and eat. An unaltered stomach can (and does) hold up to SIXTEEN CUPS of food. My pouch now holds probably 6-8 oz or so. Eventually it will grow to hold 8-12 oz. Much better than 16 cups don’t you think???
In addition I have some rules that have to be followed. At this point there are two food rules that I live and die by:
1. PROTEIN FIRST. I strive for 100g of protein a day but I tend to be ok with a range of 80-120. My doctor would be happy with 60-80 but I work out pretty hard for his standard patient and I’ve been well educated by the likes of Andrea, Nikki and Melting Mama so I tend to be more aggressive with things like protein and supplements (vitamins and such)
2. NEVER EAT and DRINK at the same time. AND wait at least 30 minutes after eating before drinking. I do drink up until the time I put food in my mouth but once I eat I stop drinking. I will never ever break this rule on purpose (I’ve done it by mistake but not on purpose)
There are also rules about sugar and fat but I tend to bend those a bit..
So what does this mean for me? It means is, I can eat very little food at this point. Eventually I should be able to eat what is considered A NORMAL amount of food. The problem with this is that what OUR society (vs. what is medically necessary) considers a normal amount of food is EXCESSIVE to the extreme at this point.
I wish sometimes that I could eat more. But I can’t. And what the surgery has taught me in the extreme is that YES I can survive and THRIVE on the amount of food I am ingesting daily. I thrive, I work out, I live. I enjoy. It’s a good life. I have NO deprivation of any kind. Thankfully I am not in any way shape or form suffering from side effects or problems. I have friends that struggle so to stay healthy that my delight in how easy this feels (and yes right NOW it does feel easy) sometimes become guilt.
I had this surgery nearly ten months ago on September 22, 2009. It was my rebirth in many ways. I thought about having lap band but I like the malabsorption part of the RNY, even if it does not last forever. (Well to be honest the malabsorption of the nutrients does but the caloric malabsorption goes away sadly) I like that my pouch is tiny. It still is tiny by the way. I was thinking at 10 months out I should be eating much more normal amounts and sometimes I can. Most times however, I eat ¼ of a serving of something (half of a half) and call it a day. In fact, I went to lunch today with Leslie, Sylvie, Angie and Brian showed up. Between the FIVE of us, we ordered TWO quesadillas. We all had leftovers. I had about 3 tortilla chips with salsa and TWO small wedges of steak quesadilla. Oh and a couple of spoonfuls of rice and refried beans… YUMMY. AND DONE. AND then, (but wait there’s more) Angie Bri and I hit STARBUCKS for large (venti) iced decaf coffees. That’s gone now too… I will have a snack later.. I will enjoy a dinner and a snack and more iced decaf…. And somehow today I will manage to get in about 1500 calories, 100g of protein, 150g of carbs and 60g of fat or so… and yet… I still continue to lose weight. Maybe that’s the part that’s EASY. The fact that I’m living and doing it well and I’m happy?
Is life supposed to be hard? I don’t think so. So let’s talk about these ideas of CHEATING, MAGIC or EASY….
Sunday July 11, 2010 I was a few months past turning 50 and a few days away from being ten months out from my rebirth of RNY WLS… The Thursday before I decided to participate in a 5k event. I didn’t say RUN. I didn’t say RACE. I said participate in an event… and that’s what I did.
My goal… verbalized, my goal was to finish in 45 minutes. Internally my goal was to FINISH AND NOT BE LAST…. I had NO clue how long it would take to complete. I was not displeased with my finish time of 46:59. I know that the RUNNING I did at the end… (which left me breathless with a throbbing chest) was the difference with that time. I jogged a bit of the race… not as much as I could have. Now I am sorry I did not push harder.
I wonder if I don’t push myself hard enough. Everyone seems so impressed with my effort but I rarely sweat at the gym and I rarely hurt or feel sore after a workout. Maybe I’m lazy? Maybe I could work harder? Maybe I should? Maybe that’s why I’ve not really lost weight since JUNE 26th!
Is it unrealistic to think that if I’m eating 1700 or so calories a day and burning 2200 calories a day I should be losing right? but NO… I’m not. so what am I doing wrong? being lazy I guess….
I could work harder
I could eat better. Yes yes I could. I could eat fewer carbs. but they taste so yummy and go down so easily…
if i didn’t eat the carbs my calories would be way lower and my ability to learn to deal with real life later on much compromised. If i don’t learn how to eat 7 chips now (pita chips or soy flax chips with protein not plain potato chips for noshing…) later on when I CAN eat the whole bag I just might… As it is I hate limiting myself to 7 chips…
I am not sure I AM learning the habits the doctors say we need to make this work. I am scared I am done. I know if I ate pure protein and veggies and fruits… I’d lose… I would have no choice… but would I live?
How do I want to live? right now I can walk into any store and buy clothes. I look ok in clothes. I look sorta ok naked too… hubby’s pleased… I can do my yoga, I lift weights, I can walk an HOUR with no problem…. I can run a tiny bit… I WANT to run more… I want to move more… I want I want I WANT.
what do I need….
my weight this morning 169… OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE…
my muscles… firm. defined. but not strong. I still struggle to lift things in daily life… could be my knees who knows…
So do I accept that this is it.. this is my life… or do I shake it up… and if I shake it up… how do I shake it up???
Ah July 1st where is this year going, where is this summer going? Where is my life going? New month, new beginning, scale talk, so many things in my brain today… I am just past 9 months out from a Roux-en-y gastric bypass and I am struggling today with the fact that maybe I’m at the tail end of my easy time…. How sad this makes me..
How in the world could I be DONE at 9 months… and the non-reptilian part of my brain says “STUPID you’re NOT DONE”…. but then there is the purely emotional part of me that says OMG I lost less than TWO POUNDS for the entire CALENDAR MONTH OF JUNE 2010… I must be DONE…. ummm how about… just stalled.. And not even really stalled I lost .35 pounds per week over a 4 week period. NOT quite half a pound but it’s still A LOSS… RIGHT? Who am I trying to convince?? WHAT am I trying to convince myself of? And WHO am I being competitive with? Probably me, myself and I….
Ok I admit it. I wanna be a skinny bitch. Totally. I wanna be a size 8. I admit it. I want a flat belly… NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. I actually considered ever so briefly the other day that 128 would be a good weight for me. Then reality hits me like a cold wet slap in the face… I may be 5’2” but I’m still about 170 pounds and a size 12… and I console myself with the fact that it’s VANITY sizing. I want to be Marilyn Monroe Size 12…not this stupid size 12 is the old size 16 crap….
Why do I let the scale rule my mind? Why in the world do I say I’m a FAILURE because I lost XX or DIDN”T lose XX in a particular CALENDAR month….
And that’s all it is the CALENDAR MONTH…
I look at what I’ve lost from my HEAVIEST known weight. I use 286 which was my scale at home. I am sure I was heavier at one point. I do recall the doc had me once at 293 but that was a long time ago and my records are not showing that… but I remember it… and I count 253 from the morning of surgery as my start weight for this current adventure… 100 pounds would be so cool to lose. My goal of 151 would make it 102… and 128 would be 125 pounds even… I get goose bumps thinking about that. It’s got to be unrealistic for me to think I could weigh 128. I have 111 pounds currently of lean body mass… I need about 41 pounds of fat… so I should weigh about 152…. Or thereabouts… 128 is INSANE… so I’m down 116 from my solid heaviest. I’m about 20 pounds from GOAL or am I 42 pounds from goal??? There is no way I could maintain 128… there is no way I will look HEALTHY at 128… but my brain says.. TRY IT… just TRY IT SEE HOW you look… as it is I think my face is starting to look a bit gaunt and I still insist on losing 20 pounds. OF course my body may have other ideas and I may be done. Which is what I feel is where I am. NOW I know it’s a stall. I know that I’m probably not done… but I’m SCARED that I’m done. I DON”T WANNA BE DONE! I wanna be a skinny bitch…
So how do I reconcile what society tells me about my weight with feeling good, looking good and doing the right thing…
Right now I don’t feel so good.. My left hamstring hurts. Why? Cause I was RUNNING on Tuesday and I pulled it a bit… RUNNING… not jogging, not WALKING… RUNNING… OMG… who ever thought I would WANT TO RUN!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?! But I do. I like it. My brain likes it. My right side hurts a lot too but that’s chronic and annoying more than anything and I just deal with it. Same with my horrible terrible no good very bad knees… torn meniscus on the left, arthritis on the right… here I am stuck in the middle with me… BUT how much worse would I be if I hadn’t lost over 100 pounds or gotten my fat tush to the gym nearly EVERY DAY. I go to the gym and work out not because of how I feel when I am doing it but how I feel the next morning. I am able to move and bend most of the time fairly easily… and I know if I was not working out I’d be stiff and sore all the time… So I feel pretty good… better than I did a year ago.
But then I wonder am I eating right? I mean the calories I burn are about 2200 most days. I think I should burn more but I seem to be burning less and less… this makes me cry… Why is it on HARD workout days I still only burn about 2300 calories… WHAT am I doing WRONG??? OR am I just so damn short I have no choice. UGH… good things come in small packages…. I wanna be taller so I can weigh more…. If I was taller I’d be DONE… It sucks REALLY…
I mean the Go Wear Fit says I show a HUGE calorie deficit (over 900 per day on average)… so why am I NOT losing?? Maybe I’m not eating enough? I can’t help but think I’m not eating enough… I don’t know what to think… I just feel like crying.
I’m truly insane however… I’m having an average loss of 8 pounds a month or about 2 pounds a week… it’s NOT SHABBY. And I was told I ‘glow” that I look healthy… I was told yesterday that I “get more beautiful EVERY DAY”… so why oh why am I so defeated?
Why am I so scared I’m done. Why do I feel like such a failure… do I need to just keep on keeping on or do I need to shake it up… how do I decide.. is 2 pounds enough of a loss to say I’m still losing???
NOT a baby… no no no… Today is my NINE MONTH SURGIVERSAY… yep 9 months ago today I was in surgery. It’s amazing how fast it goes. This is an idea of my day now:
ok here’s the daily report:
scale: 172.4 this is:
down 1.6 from yesterday
up .8 from last tuesday
down 5 pounds from a month ago ( my surgical monthly report shows that I’m LOW average this month)
down .6 for the entire MONTH of JUNE
down 80.4 from surgery date which is just under 9 pounds per month… ugh. I wish it was more.
oh and I’m down 113.4 from the heaviest on my home scale. wow that’s almost a whole person.
basically the TREND is good… and isn’t that what matters?
fashion: blue crop pants with the blue flowered top, diamond drop earrings (hair is up today so that’s an important point) white sandals. going to be mid 90s today… we are going to hit 100 on Thursday it appears…
exercise: after work… will ATTEMPT the first C25K podcast today IF the ankle settles down. it has been going out the last two days. the chip is moving and it hurts to dorsi-flex (toes to shin) the joint and sometimes when I step it locks which HURTS badly… when the chip is stationary the ankle is JUST fine… I don’t know if it’s PMS related or weather related or just random but I do know it’s a pain… the knees (thank FSM) are just fine today…. I will also do some weight work and my stretching today
food:
commute: click/milk/protein/coffee (this is the daily breakfast 99.9% of the time)
snack: yogurt
lunch: cottage cheese w/cucumber and tomato pita puffs (salty little puffs of air with minimal nutritional value)
snack: cheese and banana (pre-workout)
dinner: something cool…. it’s HOT….
LNS: fudge pop probably
this is a pretty typical day for me.
of course I wake up around 5 am (and loll in bed about 15 minutes with dogs and hubby)
i get up
I potty (and hope that the colace, magnesium oxide and benefiber of the day before worked)
I brush my teeth
I get on the scale NAKED…. while I may weigh more than ONCE I only count the first weigh. I would say 99% of the time. Occasionally it’s way to whacked out (too low or too high) to be accurate….so I reweigh to find something closer to the day before.
today is not a gym MORNING (it is however a gym DAY) so I shower and dress for the office and take the gym bag with the gear with me for after work. In fact, almost EVERY day is a gym day now… who would have ever thought I would love going to the gym. I wish my knees and ankle were happier with me about it… and I wish my butt/back/piraformis did not hurt so much… but I wonder how bad it would be if I didn’t go to the gym almost daily.
Yes I am in the gym pretty much everyday. I usually skip either Saturday or Sunday (usually Sunday) but this past week I skipped Saturday. AND if I don’t have plans and bri is racing I might go both days anyway. I am thinking of trying the Couch to 5k but I worry that I’m doing too much with my ankle and bad knees… Yes KNEES… the left knee has a torn meniscus and a misplaced Baker’s Cyst… the right knee.. arthritis. so not cool… so not happy about this. oh and my ankle is acting up again…
It does not stop me from hitting the gym. I love Yoga. I love the stretch, I like to lift, I even like to run but my body takes a pounding….
Food is a bit more complicated. I eat more fat and carbs and calories than you would think I should but less than the gowear fit thinks i should. Maybe that’s why I’m stalled this month.
Yes I lost 5 pounds during the surgical month of 5/22-6/22 but I’ve lost NOTHING for the month of June. and that makes me sad and frustrated. It’s not abnormal. It could be from eating too many carbs, it could be from not eating enough food. it could be from not drinking enough water, it could be from many things or nothing at all.. who knows.
all i can do is keep moving forward… can’t believe it’s been 9 months now… wow.
Tags: Exercise, gym, surgiversary, WLS
15
Jun
Pictures
legs look so chubby here… but it’s the only shot of the cute outfit (that doesn’t look so cute with a cell phone camera in the bathroom) I wore yesterday….
Here’s the family:
here’s my OH meeting from Sunday dinner:
1. shopping for clothes burns more calories than the gym. nearly 2700 vs nearly 2300 hundred. so do the shimmies, walk the walk and carry the bags…. just living a full life seems to burn calories…
2. I eat very little food… i threw most of my yummy stuff out… so the girls bless them said next time I will just graze off their plates…
3. I really really like these friends.
4. the spa at the Hotel Hershey is wonderful. OMG to be rich and able to do it all the time… what a treat.
Folks often say I should write a book. I’m not sure why; I mean I’m only 50 what do I have to say? I’ve gained and lost weight; I’ve worried about my weight and ignored it. I’ve had children both mine that I did not raise and someone else’s that I did. I’ve loved, lost, loved again, run away, saved myself and loved yet a third time, well enough now I guess. I have pets, dogs and/or cats, a bird here or there. I’ve struggled with ADHD, I’ve ignored ADHD. I’ve had depression or so I thought. I’ve smoked, I quit, I smoked again and quit again. I’ve buried a parent. I’m lazy yet driven. I’m thin, yet fat, I’m fat yet thin. I’m stable yet insane. I’m neat yet messy. I’m neurotic and yet magically in touch with reality and right and wrong. I think that I’m amazing and boring all at the same time.
2
Jun
Musings…
I swear I need a tape recorder for the gym…I think of such wonderful things to write about while doing my walk on the track… and I am SURE I am going to remember them but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO they are GONE before I get to the locker room…
maybe a note pad… I don’t think i can listen to music and make voice recordings at the same time..
The scale was UP today. 2.2 pounds worth of UP…. that sucks ya know I only saw it once but I already liked 173. Oh well I guess 175.2 isn’t bad. just glad i never said I OWNED 175… just renting it… I just wonder if even though I say the scale does not affect me it does?
I mean yesterday I felt thin and light and fluffy and cute… today I feel fat. and I’m not it’s 2 pounds of water for god’s sake. it has to be water. I ate very little yesterday. I wonder about this food in food out stuff… I mean my gowear fit says I”m generating around an 850 calorie deficit on average… I guess I am that’s about 6 pounds lost and that’s about what I’ve lost….
why is this such a slow process? why do we go up 2 down one up 3 down 1 up 2 down 3? I hate it. I wish there was a rhyme or reason to it… there is not.
Tags: gowear fit, scale, weight
31
May
Memorial Day 2010…
We had fun…. went to Norman and Amy’s. IN attendance were Norman and Amy (of course it was their house), Toby and Michele, Tony and Cher, Ted and Lauren and us.
We ate, we drank, we made merry… we gamed. I got eaten by mosquitoes…
Tags: picutures