Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Saying HI

Just wanted to say HI to myself and any remaining readers I have. I have been one poor corespondent (bonus points to the person that can name the song that quote comes from) but I’m going to try to come back and post stuff…

Not much but my weight has changed since the last post. I’m up to @150 and I think that’s where it’s going to be… I don’t panic until I see 154 or so… but I love under 150… under 145 and I start looking gaunt… so 150 it is. not too bad for an old lady… going to be 52 next month…

Wearing anywhere from a size 4 to a size 10 depending on how it’s cut but I tend to be a 6 for most things… so NOT complaining… although Jim patted my belly the other night and said “belly” in that Homer Simpson voice that means he LIKES it… oh well… I guess a bit of meat on me is not bad.

I still want to do my back and legs but next year… I have no leave at work this year… I’ve used nearly 15 weeks in the last year… way too much…

So Jim is formally living with me in Baltimore. We are happy. We are planning a wedding in Las Vegas this year some time… there is a proposal coming on February 29th (Sadie Hawkins Day) from ME to HIM and then the planning will start… we have to pick a date first and I am waiting for my name to be changed back to my maiden name…

Work is good… Things are good. Just lots of things I don’t talk about so much any more.

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I’ve been too far gone…

Wow it’s been a long long time since I updated. I keep meaning to but I don’t. I guess I’m becoming more private…

So the plastic surgery went well… Jim took very very good care of me.. the first few weeks down in Baltimore then we went up to his place in PA… and I had minimal appetie… and I was losing weight. I was down 5 pounds of skin… my boobs.. cute perky things.. 36B or 34C depending on the bra…. my pants went from size 10 to size 6

I was healing nicely… feeling great… we went on vacation and I ended up in the hospital with a perforated ulcer (and lost 10 more pounds (I’m up about 3 now)…. wow… what a wild ride this summer has been.

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More Surgery… the re-invention of Nessa

Yes I’m going to have more surgery on Thursday. Only this time I am SCARED TO DEATH. Thursday I go to St. Agnes Hospital and I see Dr.G. Thomas Grace for a full “tummy tuck” (Abdominoplasty) and a mastopexy or BOOB LIFT… no implants at this point just a lift but Dr. Grace seems to think I”ll be happy with the results. I may be… he may be… but Jim… well he may not be. Of course I’ll still be flat on top so implants may be needed to make the girls fluffy pillows.. but with implants they will be. Dr. Grace says it’s the bra that makes the cleavage but I am not sure that’s going to be enough for me. Oh well time will tell… I will live with them for a bit and see how it goes…

I was not half this scared when I had the gastric bypass in September 2009. I cannot believe it’s almost two years since I had that surgery… it seems like yesterday….

My weight this morning was high for me now… 151.2 I have been as low as 145. The morning of surgery I was 256… that’s about 30 pounds down from my heaviest…. so I’ve lost about 135 pounds. THAT’S about what I’ll weigh when all the plastic surgery is done. I’ve lost ME…. wow.

I’ve also FOUND me… my life has changed so much… my marriage died…. my life changed with the addition of Jim as my partner… I’m now doing an age gap relationship where calling me a cougar seems appropriate… Jim is 38 to my 51 and there are days I feel so old… I’m also doing a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) and it’s HARD. I want to be with Jim full time… and being apart is HARD for both of us…. I really like being a girl… you know feminine and girly… I never really did that in the past… Jim, while not demanding these changes in my life… encourages them, relishes them, supports them (both emotionally physically and financially)…. and he enables me to find the person I am enjoying becoming….

So what has changed for me now…

I dress more comfy clothes… now it’s skirts and skinny jeans… and SHOES… oy SHOES… i used to only wear comfy flats… now it’s heels almost all the time… even my running around shoes have a 1 inch heel…. that’s about as flat as I get now… nothing much that’s elastic waist… Dresses… form fitting, no A line stuff for me… and it’s true clothes make the (wo)man… I feel differently about myself when I dress up…. it’s a good thing.

My hair… long and curly is no more.. now it’s short and straight… (and yes I like it better this way, makes me look more mature and yet younger… and the color…no longer a Lucille Ball red… now it’s more of a dark auburn… almost a brown with red…. I may go a bit darker still….

Jewelry is plentiful. There are bracelets that Jim has bought me.. my beautiful collar/locket that we had engraved and altered to reflect our life together…. I never liked things around my neck before I lost weight… now I feel naked without my beautiful collar… (and yes it’s a collar that indicates that Jim and I are in a committed relationship, some women wear rings… I have my collar… Jim wears a beautiful ring that I got him… I like that we want traditional things like a committed relationship but wish to symbolize it with non-traditional things…. he also wears his bracelet that I had engraved with KEEPER on it… For he is A keeper… and he is MY KEEPER…. and he takes care of me….

I love this picture… it defines how safe I feel with Jim…. and how Happy I am… I hate that I think I look old and my belly looks like I’m pregnant… I love how happy he looks with me all “critterfied” on him… He’s just such a delight to snuggle into…

Jim makes me feel pretty and sexy and desireable… odd considering that when we started this it was fun and games and I was not his type and not attractive to him….he was like he said “a single guy who was not going to turn down NSA sex” Amazing what love can do for a person… now I’m beautiful…. and he wants me… HOW the hell did I get here with him?

Anyway, I am doing the 95 trek after work to go get him… Hopefully I will be there by 6… I have to drive during rush hour…and he is being very kind and dealing with his dislike of my house and staying with me… He makes a lot of sacrifices for me… and I appreciate it.

Hopefully this summer of pain and stress will be worth it….

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I am self-destructive.  I am not a grown up. I would like to pretend I am a grown up but I’m not.   Why when something good happens to me do I try to break it?   Why do I get so afraid to be happy and sane and safe and healthy?  Why am I afraid to not be the one in charge???

omg the above statement was made as a draft way back in march! it’s so so so so very true. I had a great thing… and I broke it. and I’m crazy and I deserve to be in pain… at least that’s how my warped brain is dealing with losing Jim.

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It got Worse

yes it did
it’s mostly my fault but still

i’m hurting
the man i love is gone…

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Today is a very dark horrible terrible no good day

I am in a bad place.
I did a bad thing
I hurt someone I love more than life itself in many ways.
I hurt myself in the process.

right now I hate me.

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Still HERE…

I am here! I am busy having a life with Jim…. up and down 95 by train for him or car for me…

Brian is doing well he’s met a lovely young woman with three small children…

my dear dogs… Harley is living with friends… doing well
Hannah has gone to stay with her aunt (Brian’s sister in law) and Jim and I pay dog support for her food and medical care…. I miss them both but Jim is so allergic we had no choice. And boy did he try to make it work!

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Lost another Monday

but today is worse. I feel like ca-ca.  I have yet ANOTHER cold…  this is like my fourth cold this winter… why I am so sick this winter i have no idea.  I think I got this one either from my team lead or a co-worker or maybe Brian… ugh… I know I’ shared it with Jim and Daniel.

I came in and did my letter for work and i want nothing more than to go  home and go to bed… ugh.

but I am toughing it out as best as I can….

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Fourms… Support or Obsession

I love message boards.   I love support that I get at message boards… I love attention I get at message boards.  At small message boards such as  South Beach Friends I’ve made AWESOME long term REAL friends.  Many of them I’ve met in person.   That kind of board is special.   Your friends, know you, love you, care about you, do NOT blow smoke up your butt…they call it like they see it.  And that’s a good thing.  Having friends in real life and/or online who tell you WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR vs. what you WANT to hear are good.     It may hurt but it’s important.

South Beach Friends started out as a diet support board.  It’s morphed into  a bunch of friends hanging out and speaking their minds… and I love that.  

But it’s still about being healthy and sane… and my current situation is NOT sane.  NOT at all. And I know this.  So what is it I need for support right now?   I am in a long distance relationship.  I HATE it. It’s killing us. BOTH of us.  WE are so freaking sleep deprived it’s NOT funny. it’s as if we need to be on the phone half the night… as if that makes being apart better… but does it?  

We become non-functional in the important parts of our day.  Hell I’m non-functional now just thinking of him… I worry about Jim, he worries about me,  phone calls are a lousy substitue for hugs…  so I seek others who GET it.  Well at South Beach Friends, there are no LDRs going on… so I look for other message boards..  but what do I need support for?  


1.  A long distance relationship

2.  An age gap relationship because I am 13+ years older than Jim

3.  A relationship that contributed to the breakup of my marriage  (NOT the cause but the catalyst)

4.  Dominant personalities trying to find their way

5.  addictive personalities trying to find their way

so tell me where is the message board for  Long Distance Cougars…. etc etc etc….

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I’m losing days…

Last week I lost Tuesday… i was just too tired.

This week I lost monday.  Why?  Because Sunday I went to see Jim and stayed over night… we had a minor fender bender with the car and the car needed to go to the shop and I needed a rental.   Most of yesterday was spent dealing with the insurance with that.

I decided at the very very last  minute to go have dinner with Jim on Sunday night… we needed to talk about some things and we both felt in person was a better choice.. Brian agreed to help me with the dogs so I opted to stay overnight.  

We had a late dinner and talked and talked and talked.  Everything is wonderful.    We ran some errands.  and at the second Errand.. we hit a pole with the front of my car.   Thankfully the car was driveable and I was able to get home..  But Monday was spent with insurance and rentals and all that stuff…   I am so glad I am a federal employee and life is flexible… how do others do it???

Anyway the car is in the shop, I’m driving a Jeep Liberty for the rental… HUGE car compared to my Matrix but I like it.  Jim wanted me to try it and offered to pay the difference since insurance covers $30 per day… I think I could learn to like it… 

I have to start getting more sleep… this going to bed at midnight or later is killing me…

So, today is a tuesday that feels like Monday…  and next week, I will be off Friday and Monday….  FOUR DAY WEEKEND BABY… with Jim no less!  woo-hoo.

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