Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Tuesday

Lost another Monday

but today is worse. I feel like ca-ca.  I have yet ANOTHER cold…  this is like my fourth cold this winter… why I am so sick this winter i have no idea.  I think I got this one either from my team lead or a co-worker or maybe Brian… ugh… I know I’ shared it with Jim and Daniel.

I came in and did my letter for work and i want nothing more than to go  home and go to bed… ugh.

but I am toughing it out as best as I can….

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The More Things Change…

My life has changed.  A lot.  This Thursday will be two weeks my husband has moved out.  This Saturday will be two weeks that my (step) daughter and her boyfriend and their dog moved out…  So I am alone now.  I think I like it.  It’s a change from the last 7 years of having them in the house… but I can reclaim my space and my life.   And while I am sad at the end of another stage of my life (more guilty than sad I fear) I am thrilled at the new beginnings this offers me.

I think that as much as I love Brian I have to love myself more. I think I have to admit that as much as I loved and needed him I don’t need him now. I don’t need to have my life filled up every second of every day.  Yes a warm body in the bed is nice.  Yes someone to come home to is nice.  Yes being loved and adored and wanted is very nice.  But if the person loving you is sucking the life out of you with neediness is it worth it?

Why did I marry?  

 Well the first time, I was young,  I wanted OUT of my parents house and a good excuse for getting out of school…  I thought I loved him.   We married I was 21.  At 24 I had son #1   At 26 I had son #2.  At 28  I told him  “I want a divorce”.   I had grown tired of being told what a useless person I was.  Bless my parents.  They took care of me and helped me.     I found a job, got a home, had a life.  

The second time…. well ugh I hate to even talk about it….  Mom died in late 1995.  Ex husband had remarried either late the year before or earlier in 1995… I was ALL alone… kids were living with ex most of the time… I was vulnerable.  I was in a bad place in my brain…  I met the second disaster online at some dating site I think… gawd I have blocked so much of his mess in my life out…   He came down, and never left…  in July 1996 I married him.  He didn’t really want to get married but I rather insisted.   It was for lots of reasons… health insurance for him comes to mind mostly… lousy reason to get married.  Tax break for me… another lousy reason…   He never lived with me full time.  He would flit back and forth between Baltimore and Brooklyn and that started happening more and more towards the end. I think we had about THREE good years…  He did horrible things like steal my jewelry and my car.  He lied to me.  He cheated on me… he tried to kill me…   That divorce was final I believe late 2002. 

I met Brian about the same time. Online end of November 2002  We were supposed to be friends… he was “engaged” to a woman online.   WE met in person a week later  December 1, 2002.   He moved in with me  March 2004 and we married December 2004.   We were happy.  He brought his daughter with him and she became mine.  I will always be mom for her if she wants… how could I not…  I love Brian I do. But he does not love himself and my loving him is not enough for both of us…  His pain and suffering kills me.  His lack of self-esteem kills us both.  I want him to be happy, my life has changed.  I was physically TIRED when I  married Brian.   Hauling around 300 pounds is exhausting both physically and mentally.  Getting married made good sense to me… I loved him. I wanted to take care of him and his daughter.   I am a caretaker at heart.  I wanted to be loved.  Who was going to love a 300 pound woman who did NOTHING but sit around the house….  I thought I loved me.  I thought I was happy I thought all was fine.

Then we had the Gastric Bypass surgeries. And while I wanted to pretend I did not and would not change, I have. I’m not tired anymore.  Not Mentally. Not Physically. Not Emotionally.  I have grown and matured.  I realized that love is NOT enough to sustain me.   I need more.  I need someone to question me, to challenge me to balance me, and yes to need me.  But also to FEED me.  Feed me emotionally, feed me mentally, feed me spiritually.  Brian NEEDED me but he could not feed anything but my need to be needed.  I discovered that unconditional love tinged with fear and insecurity is ugly and painful to live with.    I could no longer mirror back to him those feelings.   We deteriorated.  I did not help. I could have stopped feeding my soul with another person but I was afraid of being sucked back down into the muck and mire that was suffocating me.  So I was OPEN about my relationship with him.  I thought that would help. I thought that would make it better.  Brian could not cope.  I tried to explain to him that I could love two men.  He could not accept that.  He left me.  I understand that.  I let him go. I did not stop him. I could have easily stopped him. I could have complied with the ending of my new relationship but I did not.  I chose that relationship over my marriage.

I have spent my entire life settling.   On my weight, my looks, my loves, my house, my car, EVERYTHING…  now this is not to say that I am going to STOP settling, but at least I am more aware of it.

Currently my weight is up about 5 pounds from where i like to be but I have some leeway and I have not yet had plastics… I do have to watch it however…  while they do fix our bellies, they don’t fix our brains.  And my BRAIN wants to self medicate with food.  I am working hard on this.   But it’s hard. I’m scared.   Of life, of love, of living, of getting too thin, of getting fat again.  Of the plastic surgery that looms on my horizon.

I hate that I’m admitting my failure at a THIRD marriage but I am.  How embarrassing this is for me, to admit how badly I screw up relationships.  How bad my choices are.  How I have not learned from my past mistakes.  Will I continue to repeat the same mistakes?

Will I learn from this mistake… probably not.  “Why not?” you may ask… I mean seriously.. THREE failed marriages… how could I be so careless or cavalier…  How could I HURT people like I did?  I hurt Brian.  His family.  His daughter.  She was my daughter for so many years… now she’s gone to me too.  I’ve probably upset  my dad.  

I know our mutual friends are destroyed.  They have no clue what to say or how to act.  Brian and I are trying very very very hard to make sure we all still stay friends.  I hope we can pull this off…  It’s early on so maybe time will soothe all the wounds.

Why do I worry so about others?  Because I love and care about them.  Because I’m embarrassed at my mistakes and failures.   I want to be a good person. I want to take care of folks.  I want to be a role model someone that folks can look at and think  “I wish I was like Nessa”… now they just look at me and shake their heads and have pity for me for being such a screwed up thing….

And I have guilt over the end of this marriage. I admit it.  Brian is not totally to blame. I will not let the sword fall on his neck totally.    Yes there are things that I did to facilitate the end of the marriage.  I attempted to add something to my life that was lacking.   (see below)….. and Brian did not cope well with it.  I can’t blame him and yet at the same time I can.  He told me in August it was ok. He told me in November it was OK.  He kept telling me it was OK even after he would tell me he did not want me to do it.  I TOLD HIM to TELL ME NOT TO DO IT…but he couldn’t or wouldn’t.  And I would not or could not stop.   And honestly,I am not sorry for this.  Brian has left and is involved with a young woman and her family.  I hope she gives him all he needs and wants and he can do the same for her.   

He always, until recently, needed to have OTHER people (read women who wanted him romantically) in his life… and yet once I tried to add someone  he suddenly wanted to go back to a traditional marriage.  This seemed unfair to me.

I married Brian because I loved him. I loved him because he loved and needed me. It was easy.  And at 300 pounds I was TIRED all the time.  Physically TIRED.

WE need to be apart and not married.   Love is NOT enough.   I care about him and want him happy and healthy and well. I wish him no ill will.   I hope in the long run we can ALL be friends.  

And yet I will survive.  I will mature and grow and thrive..  and I doubt I’m done changing…

***********THIS IS BELOW*************

Of course I’m not totally alone… there is “THE BOYFRIEND”     but I will leave that for another post…

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Rather Random HUMP DAY MUSINGS…

It’s Wednesday… It’s hump day…. it’s the day before my darling husband turns 40… I must go get him a card today as tonight is our celebration… Tomorrow he works half a day and then he’s off to the races… he’s going to February Freeze which is a big remote control car race.   He has gone before but this is the first year he’s really going for the whole time.  He will be gone Thursday through Sunday… it’s good for him… he loves racing his little cars and he loves his friends.

And it’s good for me… I get to go visit a friend too…  and visiting this friend is FUN… I get to be mindless and childish and just relax and kick back and not work too hard at anything other than napping… maybe watching an old movie or two… oh and EATING… JUNK… I eat  and drink whatever I want when I visit friends….

I look forward to these visits.. probably more than I should… it gets me away from my day to day life..  if only for a little while…  usually a 23 hour reprieve.. sounds much like a hospital stay when outpatient is authorized…  this visit is a bit longer… about 48 hours.. I plan to make the most of it…

I should do a bathroom fashion show today but my heart is just not in it.  My pumps.. my favorite black pumps with the black bows… are TOO BIG… most of my shoes are too big… I look like I”m wearing mommy’s shoes.  I am actually going to go at lunch and get new shoes.   And I have to find something to eat for lunch…. and I can be a bit flexible… because well because the scale was below 150 today.

Below 150… it’s magic for me…  I went away for the weekend with hubby… to Lancaster.  It’s my FAVORITE place in the world for so many reasons…one of which is the FOOD… peanut butter covered pretzels.. full fat cottage cheese, apple butter, thick cut bacon, home made ice cream… yummy stuff… but the scale on monday was 153. It was well deserved and I just knew exactly what to do…

I used my tool… I stopped all the mindless munching.. I dropped all the simple carbs and went high protein… and poof two days later I’m down just over 3 pounds…  now I know if I stick to protein and no simple carbs I can drop weight easily… and yes there were times yesterday I was hungry but not overwhelmingly hungry… I could cope… I even ate a bit of bread…  and life is good.

Today I’m a bit more relaxed but still watching it…  I did my walking and my yoga… I feel good.

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RandomNESS but mostly about the kids………

Just feeling like I should post something.

Life has changed in so many ways

Brian is FIVE POUNDS from losing 200 pounds.  He was 282 this morning.. so he wants to go back to the gym.  I think his plan is to come back on the 15th but I plan to go with Matt.  I like working out with him.   He makes me RUN and that feels GOOD and it’s good for me… I don’t lift with him but I bet Bri will and that’s good for both of them!

Brian’s happy

I’m HAPPY

my daughter is happy

and we have Matt now.    he seems happy too!

so where do we go from here?  up and out I guess.

Moving him in to our house might seem weird and strange and unusual and it is even to me… BUT we seem to be finding our way as a non-traditional family.  He loves my daughter. My daughter loves him.  May they live long and love long… and stay happy….   Brian and I while stressing do like having him in our home.

And living the way we do, while suspect and odd, works for us.

and we are eating great.  THIS KID CAN COOK and he works hard to learn to make healthy stuff!

and the house is clean

and the best thing.. my daughter smiles and laughs… and she’s growing and maturing daily.

It’s on my mind a lot that they are playing house under our very noses and we not only indulge it we encourage it.  But it seems to be working…

where do we go from here?  I do not know…one day at a time…

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Musings on being 7 months post op…

Today is April 22, 2010, 7 months ago at this time I was in surgery.  I had Gastric Bypass at St. Agnes Hospital with Dr. David Von Rueden on September 22, 2009, just 5 short weeks after my darling husband Brian had it.   At the time it seemed like a good idea.  Now I’m not so sure.

This has been a rough week for Brian.  He is in a LONG LONG STALL and he feels like a WLS failure.  He is not.  He is down nearly 35% of his body weight in 8 months… this is a good thing. He has gone from over 475 pounds to under 315… this is TREMENDOUS… the problem is, he’s still over 300 pounds and I’m not…   While he is VERY compliant about his food and drink, he’s not so compliant about his exercise.  And he knows it.  And we are working on it.   I wish this WAS magic.  It’s not.  It’s HARD work.  Trust me on this….  I work HARD to get as far as I get… and It is slow…  Let’s look at this:

The morning of surgery I weighed 253 on my scale.  (Or was it 256 I can’t remember)… let’s say 253 because I don’t want more credit than I deserve. This morning I weighed 184.4.  How casually I can say that now… but OMG I never thought I’d see the 180s again.

Let’s look at my weight loss monthly since surgery:

Date                              Weight              Monthly Loss      Total Loss      # of months

9/22/2009                 253                        0                                  0                           0

10/22/2009               236.4                     16.6                             16.6                      1

11/22/2009               225                        11.4                             28                         2

12/22/2009               214.2                     10.8                             38.8                      3

01/22/2010               204.8                     9.4                               48.2                      4

2/22/2010                  197.6                    7.2                               55.4                      5

3/22/2010                  191.8                    5.8                               61.2                      6

4/22/2010                  184.4                    7.4                               68.6                     7

The red text indicate months I lost less than average

The orange text indicate months I lost AVERAGE amounts

The  green text the months I lost MORE than average.  Of couse once you get past month six it’s a free for all… so there really is no average… I guess I’m all green now….

So what is AVERAGE?

According to my friend Pam T.

Month 1:                                                       20ish pounds lost

Months 2-6:                                               7-10 pounds per month lost

Month 6 and beyond:                           5-7 pounds or whatever your body feels like doing

So the average at 7 months out is anywhere from 60-77 pounds.  I’m right in there at 68.6 pounds… just under ten pounds per month… but still over 2 pounds per week… ya gotta look at the averages…2 weeks ago I lost NOTHING for the week.  NOTHING… not one ounce.  The week before I lost 3 the week following 3.2  so over a 3 week period I lost over 6 pounds…   Heck I weigh daily and if I did not look at monthly and weekly averages I’d be NUTS.  Because weight loss is not linear, comparable or predictable…

So what is a typical day like?   I think that’s often the question newbies to WLS have…

Weekdays:

Alarm goes off  at 4:55  of course somewhere around 4:30 we all stirred.  I adjusted the tv for the news. the dogs rearranged themselves, hubby went potty… (interestingly enough I do not get enough fluids to make me get up and go potty at night any more…) we then nap till the alarm goes off.  Lazy mornings mean we aren’t bolting out of bed till 5:20…  If it’s MONDAY, WEDNESDAY or FRIDAY, I’m packing work clothes in my gym bag, breakfast, lunch and snacks in my lunch tote grabbing a shower and heading over to the gym.  If it’s THURSDAY I pack gym gear in the gym bag, and head to work because I train with Tammie on Thursday afternoons.

Personally I much prefer Yoga Mornings and wish EVERY morning could be a yoga class morning… Yes I know I could do yoga at home alone… but the dynamic of the class helps.  I plan to record the classes on my itouch along with recording my training sessions with Tammie she can state the name of the machine and the weights and reps for me.. It will be a big help when I’m on my own.  And yes after this set of workout sessions I will be on my own… makes me sad and scared but what else can I do.. it’s very expensive to work with her.  WORTH every penny but still….and I can’t depend on her forever, eventually I have to be on my own and take care of myself…

As usual, I digress…  ah the joys of an ADHD brain.  I think blogs were invented for us…  we ramble along in our own little worlds ya know…  But I do love yoga.  Especially now that I can move… and breathe and it feels better to do it than to not do it.  Yoga has become one of my transfer addictions… seriously.  I love it.  I need it.  For several reasons.

1. it makes me feel better emotionally to have accomplished something

2. it makes me feel better physically and it’s helping to keep me flexible and limber

3. it’s a nice start to my day.

But back to my day….

Every morning I make a protein drink to have in the car on the way to work (I drink some on the way to the gym on gym mornings)

8 oz milk

2 tsp benefiber

1 scoop Click (vanilla or mocha)

1 scoop Designer Whey Vanilla Praline Protein Powder

2 squirts of sf syrup (praline or vanilla usually)

shake this well in my CLICK shaker  and pour into my travel mug that has already been filled with an espresso shot of coffee.

nuke for 45 seconds.

I start EVERY morning with this drink

it’s got about 32 grams of protein and it holds me all morning.   Of course I’m not a big eater yet…  most days.  I do have my moments.

Anyway I have to remind myself to eat and drink… I swear I could go all day with nothing.

I have alarms set to remind me to take my vitamins…

Food that is good for me is not interesting.  I’d rather not eat.

Food that I miss (ice cream, bagels, cakes, cookies etc) scare me and I don’t touch them….

EATING is a chore.   Truly.   it is NOT the pleasure it once was and I am sure will be again…

I don’t think I get enough veggies. I don’t get a lot of fruit…

Protein I’m good with cause of all the protein drinks…

Clothes…

clothes are interesting.  I never thought I’d struggle with body image but I do.  I do not see myself as thin. I have to take a trusted friend with me shopping or else i don’t do well… I buy shirts too big… LOL how funny to me that I am struggling with this….  I was in size 26 at my heaviest.  my 24s were tight the morning of surgery…  now i’m in 14s pretty much… some 16s.  I keep saying I’m in 18s but the 18 jeans were pulled down last night without unbuttoning them… I think 16s are the biggest I can go now…

And shirts… depends on the cut  large or XL  but NOT  3x or even 4x.  And yet I still gravitate towards the big girl sizes…

Bras… were 48DDD now I think 42DD or even 40DD not sure… have to be fitted.. oh joy…

So here I am at 7 months out… losing weight, feeling great loving life,

are there any down sides?

yep… food struggles… emotional upheavals….body image issues,  SKIN… oy I’m starting to try to figure out how much of me is fat and how much is skin….  I’m starting to think there is way more skin than I thought… because although I’m still a solid 184 pounds,  I don’t think I have much more than 30 more pounds to lose… and I have no idea where I am going to tuck all this skin….  I guess I better start saving for plastic surgery….

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Don’t call me skinny…..

I have several topics today, so which do you want first my knee, yoga, my lovely potty issues or the hubby and his stress over my becoming a ‘skinny bitch’….  (have I mentioned that I Hate that term…. not bitch but SKINNY)  I am NOT a SKINNY bitch.  a BITCH yes but NOT skinny…

Let’s do potty first since it’s a drive by… WHY does my body NOT cooperate and potty at the time of my choosing?  WHY must we do it at the MOST inconvenient times. and why does it take so damn long?  I hate potty at work… PEE is fine… POTTY at work is just adding insult to injury.   Ok enough whining about potty… which BTW requires  DAILY:

enough fluids  (over 64 ounces of clear fluids)

2 colace

4 magnesium oxide

1 serving of beneifiber powder

a half a cup of fiber rich dried fruit from trader joes

exercise

some decent amount of fat… avocado, guacamole, gravy

See while simple it’s still complex…..

Oh well enough of potty…

My knee… my left knee is severely compromised.  oh hell my whole left leg is compromised I”m blind in one eye, i have a bad right flank (the piraformis) and I’m lame in my left leg… If I was a horse they would have shot me years ago…  Yesterday I went to see my favorite orthopedist.. Ian Weiner… Love that man. he’s a trip…

First of all he recognized my voice but NOT me… he had not seen me since before surgery… WOW… cool too…

then we checked the knee… swollen, painful, and it CLICKS…. so we did a four view Xray series and then he said  “let’s inject it with cortisone unless you WANT me to scope you…”    I did have an MRI of the knee in 2008 and we KNOW it has a medial meniscus tear and a misplaced popliteal cyst WITH debris so probably EVENTUALLY I will need surgery… but this buys me at least 6 weeks if not longer..

So I got up this morning and potty was not happening (my body decides when now ugh) and I went to yoga…. yummy YOGA..I can so see improvement in my practice now… my moves, my strength, my flexibility, my breathing… the only real pain i had today was the priaformis on the right side… and a bit of knee pain in the squatting poses…  I think I will cry if i have to give up yoga for any period of time… it’s what keeps me getting out of bed with minimal pain.  NOTE I did not say NO PAIN….just MINIMAL pain…  At fifty I think I”m not going to be pain free… not on my salary…  I would need daily massages  and working with the trainer to work this kink out… even PT is expensive… a 20 dollar copay per visit.. ugh.

FINALLY I want to talk relationships… my husband is a dear man and I love him madly.  He’s lost 34% of his body weight compared to my 27%  (neither is anything to sneeze at) and he’s losing very very slowly now…  OTOH my body is changing rapidly… his is changing I can see it… but the scale is not moving for him… he’s getting frustrated and feels like a failure… he’s so NOT a failure,  he’s doing great.. EXERCISE is not what he wants… it’s what he needs… and it’s not making him happy and I don’t blame him.  we have to find what he likes… for me I clicked with YOGA…  maybe too much…he won’t swim and he can’t do much walking… how frustrating for him…  he’s 14 pounds from TWOTERVILLE and I hurt for him…  I want him to be happy…

oh well… off to work…

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04/09/09

This week is going fast, at least for me.

I nap on the couch from 9-11 so i’m really getting enough sleep. go figure.  Brian is sleeping downstairs this week so i’m getting a decent night’s sleep.

I want to talk about elevator etiquette today.  In public now  a days it’s first on last off… (cause you are in the back).  In my OFFICE, men that do not let the ladies off first are publicly ridiculed.  It’s like our own little corner of 1950 still.    I’ve gotten so used to it that when some new guy gets off before me I’m insulted.

Last night, I took Toby and Michele to the vet with Wiley.  Poor Wiley… so stressed he was practically blowing a coat.  I drove them there but let them have their private time with Wiley.  Toby is destroyed.   Just like Brian was when Bagel was put down.

This morning the alarm went off at 4:46 like always. I know I hit snooze at least twice before i turned it off.  I finally got up about 6:30.  I managed to be at work by 7:30 but I did have to wake the girl child to go down and get me some jeans.  and I had NO GUILT about it.  I have asked her all week to bring up the clean laundry.  she never does.  so i woke her at 6:30 to do so!

Left brian sleeping on the couch.  left the dogs watching him.  told Girl child I was leaving and here I am.  I told them to take ham steak out for dinner.  I have to stop at  Bjs tonite.  I got my $20 dollar check from the BJs credit card.  for every 2000 points I accumulate I get $20.00.  it’s working nicely now that I’m paying the card off every month and using it to ammass points.

oh well I better go work… more later.

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03/27/09

Good Morning!  (Don’t you hear Debbie Donald and GENE?)

I guess I have to fix it when I get home!  NOTE TO SELF: FIX YOUTUBE LINK!


today is going to be spring like.  still a bit damp this morning.  I got to work and signed 6:15.   it’s a long walk from the parking lot to the security building through the guard station, back outside, down the steps throught he double set of doors, past another guard then then through the turnstile.


Scale was UP this morning.  251.4  I MUST get a hold of myself!  I was pretty good yesterday except for lunch.   Today brian said he would get something to eat.  always makes me nervous.


I’m quitting the gym.  it’s 98 dollars a month that i’m NOT using at this point.  I’m walking the link at work and i have some light weights, an exercise bike and a wii fit at home.  I need to save some money!  I think after brian’s surgery and he’s ready we will join as a couple.


Hannah is sick again. I have to call the vet.  there’s another $140 dollars.  Maybe we can try a different CHEAPER antibiotic!   Her last one was $63.00 for 14 pills!  and she didn’t even like them that much.


Bri is going racing tonite… and tomorrow and maybe sunday.  tomorrow night i’m going out with friends…


oh well time to work!


ETA:


Hannah has the vet at 11:15 so I’m leaving work at 10:30 taking BOTH dogs to the vet because I’m afraid to leave Harley alone in the house with no one home.


And goodness who am I turning into?  I’m coming back!

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03/24/09

I never ever know what to say in my posts.  I guess that’s going to have to change yes?

What’s this site about?  Well it’s more than a blog.  “but it sure looks like a blog doesn’t it?” you ask.


Well yeah it does,  but that doesn’t make it less than what it is.  It’s a journey.  Not sure yet what it’s a journey to but then the trip should be a blast.

Currently  there  are several things going on in my life.   Running a webiste  for South Beach Dieters.  South Beach Friends Message Board which of course started as an offshoot of a board that we all met on.  We were all following South Beach Diet (me included) and had one of the ongoing  ‘vets are so mean to newbies fights’ and someone said ‘if you all wanna be so mean why not go start your own board?’


So I did! So there!  Of course I never imagined it would turn into a true domain with users finding us on Google! I figured it would be 25 friends whining and bitching about how idiots try to change the diet and then complain when it doesn’t work.


I still feel that way.   that SBD works.  and it works well.  For some people.  For me not so well.  for people like me not so well.


so I’m going to change my life.  but more about that later.


Other  things I have to deal with  Children.  I have 3.  2 boys and a girl.


the boys:


Older Son (OS) is almost 25.  OMG am I really old enough to have a 25 year old child?  WHAT? I’m NOT 18 anymore???  ugh.  OS is a special child.  not just to me.  He currently lives in a group home nearby and is in a special program for adults with emotional problems.


Older Son  2004


Younger Son (YS)  is nearly 23 and graduates from Drexel this coming June. he’s a funny kid.


Daniel Channeling Keanu Reeves


neither of them live with us.


the girl child

and yes we do call her Girl Child.    She is the bonus that came with the husband (more about him later).   Met her dad who was supposed to be fun and games but you know how that goes…    she was 9 then.  now she’s nearly 17!  and she’s a good kid.   A smart kid.  a FUNNY kid.  MY KID.  and I love her.  just like my boys!   I really hate that society thinks you have to physically birth a child to be the parent.


Isn't she lovely


ok enough about the two legged kids… now let’s talk about:


THE FUR BABIES


yes we currently have 2 fur babies.  We have Harley who is a 15 month old Newfoundland (Landseer) and we have Hannah our 7 year old  Pitador.


In February 2002 I got Bagel.  (huh? who? what? I thought this story was about Hannah and Harley?!– well it is but you need to know about Bagel too)



Bagelat about age 2 Hugging Hannah age 10 weeks

Bagel at about age 2 Hugging Hannah age 10 weeks



I got Bagel from the Baltimore SPCA after the Baltimore Humane Society Turned me down. (bless their hearts).   Bagel was  a curmugeon of a dog.  He was never warm and loving and was always very independent.  He did what he wanted and I had semi-control over him.  He was large and black and was clearly part Newfoundland.  He was about 2 years old.  I loved him and he saved me. Because of him I was able to finally get out of a bad marriage that needed ending long before Bagel arrived.  Of course the second disaster said “i’m being replaced by a dog” and I said  “yep” 😛


But I was working long hours and felt Bagel was lonely so I got Hannah.  Oy.  9 weeks old.  Fearless.  my little yellow dog.  Well not mine. Bagel’s.  He picked her out.    While Bagel knew ‘speak’ and ‘down’,  Hannah knew  ‘come’ and ‘stay’  never could get both dogs to do both things.  I’m not a great dog mom.


Fast forward to Summer 2008.  Bagel is not doing well.  I take him to the vet (now remember he’s fat because he has a thyroid condition and a lazy mommy.  He has Lyme Disease.  a BAD case.  A titer over 30 is bad. Bagel’s is over 300.   We give him meds and he gets better.  and then one day, he can’t walk.   Back to the vet we go.  He has a herniated disk in his neck.  We don’t know from what.   A week at the vet on

steroids and he can’t move still.  We make the horrendously painful decision to put him down on September 14, 2008.   <insert horrid sobbing and tears here>.   Hannah is lost.  Brian (the husband I have not yet talked about) is devastated.  I’m sad. yes I am. in fact even now i’m on the verge of tears.   But Bagel is at peace now. Waiting for us at the Rainbow Bridge


well we felt lost so we contacted Donna at Autumn Acres Rescue because I had previously done some transport for her. and asked about a Landseer puppy.  A male.  She happened to have 2.  Dallas and Phoenix.   Brothers.   I could NOT take both.  (which is good because Phoenix is in an awesome home in upstate New York).  I took Dallas.  But we changed his name to Harley.


He was ten months old when we got him that was 5 months ago.  He’s still skittish but he’s doing much much better. and he’s growing.  he was 78 pounds when we got him.  he’s up to 96 pounds and he’s a delight.    Every day in every way it gets better.


Now Brian (again with the husband) wants A MASTIFF.   OY.  we live in a townhouse for goodness sake.   Maybe next year.


The Husband


Met Brian online in an AOL Chat room around Thanksgiving 2002.   Met him at Betty and Jakes Bar about a week later.  He was a player.  and I was ok with that.  it was fun and games ya know.  He’s ELEVEN YEARS younger than I am.  and he’s a doll baby.   Spring 2004 he gave  up the playing ways and moved in with me.   December 31, 2004  we got married:


Nessa and Brian  December 31, 2004


The day was gorgeous 70 degress and sunny on New Years Eve in Maryland.


The party was great.


and now for the rest of the story as this post is getting way too long…

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