Yes I’m going to have more surgery on Thursday. Only this time I am SCARED TO DEATH. Thursday I go to St. Agnes Hospital and I see Dr.G. Thomas Grace for a full “tummy tuck” (Abdominoplasty) and a mastopexy or BOOB LIFT… no implants at this point just a lift but Dr. Grace seems to think I”ll be happy with the results. I may be… he may be… but Jim… well he may not be. Of course I’ll still be flat on top so implants may be needed to make the girls fluffy pillows.. but with implants they will be. Dr. Grace says it’s the bra that makes the cleavage but I am not sure that’s going to be enough for me. Oh well time will tell… I will live with them for a bit and see how it goes…

I was not half this scared when I had the gastric bypass in September 2009. I cannot believe it’s almost two years since I had that surgery… it seems like yesterday….

My weight this morning was high for me now… 151.2 I have been as low as 145. The morning of surgery I was 256… that’s about 30 pounds down from my heaviest…. so I’ve lost about 135 pounds. THAT’S about what I’ll weigh when all the plastic surgery is done. I’ve lost ME…. wow.

I’ve also FOUND me… my life has changed so much… my marriage died…. my life changed with the addition of Jim as my partner… I’m now doing an age gap relationship where calling me a cougar seems appropriate… Jim is 38 to my 51 and there are days I feel so old… I’m also doing a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) and it’s HARD. I want to be with Jim full time… and being apart is HARD for both of us…. I really like being a girl… you know feminine and girly… I never really did that in the past… Jim, while not demanding these changes in my life… encourages them, relishes them, supports them (both emotionally physically and financially)…. and he enables me to find the person I am enjoying becoming….

So what has changed for me now…

I dress differently..no more comfy clothes… now it’s skirts and skinny jeans… and SHOES… oy SHOES… i used to only wear comfy flats… now it’s heels almost all the time… even my running around shoes have a 1 inch heel…. that’s about as flat as I get now… nothing much that’s elastic waist… Dresses… form fitting, no A line stuff for me… and it’s true clothes make the (wo)man… I feel differently about myself when I dress up…. it’s a good thing.

My hair… long and curly is no more.. now it’s short and straight… (and yes I like it better this way, makes me look more mature and yet younger… and the color…no longer a Lucille Ball red… now it’s more of a dark auburn… almost a brown with red…. I may go a bit darker still….

Jewelry is plentiful. There are bracelets that Jim has bought me.. my beautiful collar/locket that we had engraved and altered to reflect our life together…. I never liked things around my neck before I lost weight… now I feel naked without my beautiful collar… (and yes it’s a collar that indicates that Jim and I are in a committed relationship, some women wear rings… I have my collar… Jim wears a beautiful ring that I got him… I like that we want traditional things like a committed relationship but wish to symbolize it with non-traditional things…. he also wears his bracelet that I had engraved with KEEPER on it… For he is A keeper… and he is MY KEEPER…. and he takes care of me….

I love this picture… it defines how safe I feel with Jim…. and how Happy I am… I hate that I think I look old and my belly looks like I’m pregnant… I love how happy he looks with me all “critterfied” on him… He’s just such a delight to snuggle into…

Jim makes me feel pretty and sexy and desireable… odd considering that when we started this it was fun and games and I was not his type and not attractive to him….he was like he said “a single guy who was not going to turn down NSA sex” Amazing what love can do for a person… now I’m beautiful…. and he wants me… HOW the hell did I get here with him?

Anyway, I am doing the 95 trek after work to go get him… Hopefully I will be there by 6… I have to drive during rush hour…and he is being very kind and dealing with his dislike of my house and staying with me… He makes a lot of sacrifices for me… and I appreciate it.

Hopefully this summer of pain and stress will be worth it….

Tags: abdominoplasty, breast lift, collar, doctor, goal weight, Jim, Keeper, mastopexy, new clothes, plastic surgery, raving rambling, scared, surgery, tummy tuck, weight, weight loss, whining