Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

Fourms… Support or Obsession

I love message boards.   I love support that I get at message boards… I love attention I get at message boards.  At small message boards such as  South Beach Friends I’ve made AWESOME long term REAL friends.  Many of them I’ve met in person.   That kind of board is special.   Your friends, know you, love you, care about you, do NOT blow smoke up your butt…they call it like they see it.  And that’s a good thing.  Having friends in real life and/or online who tell you WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR vs. what you WANT to hear are good.     It may hurt but it’s important.

South Beach Friends started out as a diet support board.  It’s morphed into  a bunch of friends hanging out and speaking their minds… and I love that.  

But it’s still about being healthy and sane… and my current situation is NOT sane.  NOT at all. And I know this.  So what is it I need for support right now?   I am in a long distance relationship.  I HATE it. It’s killing us. BOTH of us.  WE are so freaking sleep deprived it’s NOT funny. it’s as if we need to be on the phone half the night… as if that makes being apart better… but does it?  

We become non-functional in the important parts of our day.  Hell I’m non-functional now just thinking of him… I worry about Jim, he worries about me,  phone calls are a lousy substitue for hugs…  so I seek others who GET it.  Well at South Beach Friends, there are no LDRs going on… so I look for other message boards..  but what do I need support for?  

It’s:

1.  A long distance relationship

2.  An age gap relationship because I am 13+ years older than Jim

3.  A relationship that contributed to the breakup of my marriage  (NOT the cause but the catalyst)

4.  Dominant personalities trying to find their way

5.  addictive personalities trying to find their way

so tell me where is the message board for  Long Distance Cougars…. etc etc etc….

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Another Post… or See Below… or THE BOYFRIEND

Not going to make a long story short here so settle down for the long haul.

THIS is my current favorite picture of Jim it was taken a few years back but I think he has a painting in a closet somewhere that’s aging for him.  honest he’s over 18 by 20 years!  he’ll be 38 in June!

I will skip all the stuff about how I’ve known Jim since August 2009… WE first had some serious interaction in August 2010 at a gaming convention.   I’m an outrageous flirt… and with my then-husband’s permission I was rather assertive in my desires of Jim.   Jim even questioned him as to whether or not I was “permitted” this dalliance and was told I was…  Sadly nothing came of it back in August.

Fast forward to the beginning of November 2010 at yet ANOTHER gaming con…. I ramped up the flirting to OVER the TOP… I even posted in private that I was so  over the top that I probably got myself in trouble with “flirty guy” as I referred to him then and there…  He actually sent me a text asking to talk to me… I tossed and turned all night thinking he was going to “slap my hand’ and tell me how inappropriate I was; but no, the truth was, I was OUT there enough to FINALLY CATCH his attention.. and I’m rather glad I did.

So in the beginning of November we decided to start this “relationship”.  I was NOT cheating or lying as my husband knew I was spending time with Jim.  What I did not share was how deeply my feelings for this man were growing on a daily basis. I NEVER meant to care for him the way I do… nor did I ever expect him to care about me back… but we do.  And here we sit.

WE started out slowly  A short visit in early December.. then nothing for four weeks…  a visit in early January showed that we continued to enjoy being together.    That one lasted a bit longer but still not even 24 hours.  Then came the “command performance” as I call it.  A visit two weeks later on January 22nd still only a 23 hour stay… but this visit was pivotal for me.  This was the visit where I realized just how important this man was becoming to me…  and it scared me.    I SHOULD have run then.  But I could not.  or would not is more accurate.

WE made the conscious choice to pursue a relationship.  IT was NOT the reason my marriage broke up. It was a catalyst towards the end of something that should be over.   Being with Jim has given me the strength and courage to do what I needed to do.. NOT stop Brian when he walked out this last time.

WE had another visit in February  our first full weekend.. two nights… Friday-Sunday and I loved it so much I did it again the NEXT weekend…  and by then I was done for.  HOOKED.

We talked and I realized what was going on for me and I expressed my desire to see him more than once a month.  We have currently settled on every other weekend but I do not know how long that will last..  there are days it’s all I can do to NOT get in the car and make the 2 hour trek….

My husband moved out and we just ran full speed ahead into trying to see what we have.   And yes I’m glad we are trying this on to see how it fits.   It’s NOT easy.  Long distance relationships are HARD.  We are both suffering from severe lack of sleep on a regular basis.  My car knows the route so well I don’t even have to pay attention much. I have the trip up 95 down to a science.  1 hour 15 minutes to the Delaware Welcome Center (DWC) which puts me 45 minutes from Jim’s front door.   Baring traffic of course.  The Delaware Toll Plaza is the bane of my existence.  I hope the construction is done soon…. it’s so bad I’m getting an EZ Pass again..

While we live 2 freaking hours apart (and that’s killing me more and more)… We are in agreement that we are a couple now.   Jim makes me smile.  He pushes me to be the best person I can be and yet nurtures me when I need to be coddled and babied.   He is independent enough to take care of himself and yet lets (and needs)  me  (to) take care of  him JUST enough…

I have no idea where we will go. I have no idea how long we will walk towards that goal.  I do know that adding a new partner to my life when my old partner is still in the picture was harder than I ever imagined.  Lots of tears were shed.  Feelings hurt, hearts broken.   Friends lost and confused by this don’t know what to say or who to say it to.   AND it’s compounded by the fact that  MY friends are folks that KNOW Jim…

But now that it’s just the two of us… and I can be open about it… I want to shout to the world that this man is mine. And I am his.

It’s COMPLICATED does NOT begin to describe my life now…

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Formerly Fat Chick.

Ugh… this is a very very very hard post to make.  I don’t update this blog as often as I should but then there is a lot of stuff going on in my life that I don’t really want to put out on the web for all to see…. THIS is important.  This is a painful reminder that no matter what we say… life changes… we change… things change in our brains when we change things with our bodies…

So very hard to write this.. not even sure I want to put it out there for all to see… but I have to.   It’s therapeutic in so many ways and yet painful too…

Hard to put into words… I so thought I would not change when I lost weight…  I was so WRONG….   how could I not know I would change… WHY did I think I would be the same…  well partially because I thought I was OK the way I was.  What I’ve come to see is that I tried very hard NOT to step on toes…  I stuffed my feelings down… I stuffed them down so DEEP I didn’t even know I was stuffing them.

I guess in reality I didn’t KNOW the REAL me…  I’m a mean girl.   I go for the jugular… and I don’t mind admitting that it feels good to hurt someone who is not a true friend…  OMG I had no idea how much I would enjoy it…  I never did that before… Not at 300 pounds…  never.  I thought all the thoughts I’d even put them in words but I never had the guts to put them out there for the world to see.  I guess then I didn’t have the need to rid myself of people that were toxic like I do now.

Why don’t SMO women feel the need to nourish themselves emotionally?  Is it because we feed our faces instead of our hearts?

The problem is… I wrote stuff to ONE person but a bunch of folks read it  (which WAS my intent) and I ended up hurting a bunch of folks I CARE about…  and that doesn’t feel so good.

Neither does the fight I had with ONE of my very best friends which is what triggered all of this.   Now the question is why did I fight with her…   Well I felt stepped on.  and I’m tired of feeling stepped on and being told how to do things.  And I was feeling that she was telling me that my behavior was not something she could cope with and she was asking me to change my behavior…  Maybe she was,  maybe she was not…   What matters is that’s what I felt… like I was being told that  because I behave a certain way, she gets stressed… and my belief was,  “well then remove yourself from the stress”…  she would not… and I could not understand that so I did what I thought was best for both of us… I removed the stress from her. I ended a 7 year friendship…. I told her I was done.  I was a bit of a drama queen about it but that’s me…. and that’s part of the stress….  I thought it best for both of us… she won’t be stressed and I won’t be forced to compromise who I am.

Did not work too well for me….  I really hurt my friend by walking away from her… and her spouse… and that was NEVER my intent…  I hurt my husband… they are his friends too… I hurt other friends we share… I hurt myself…   and it brought me to this point… the point where I have to examine why I did it… what’s changed in me… why I no longer will grin and bear it and why before I thought I was strong and that I was happy and that I was able to take care of my needs and here I am having to admit I was not.  I mean I was strong and I was happy but I was not taking care of myself….  meanwhile we work to patch up the group and go back to loving each other… and it’s happening… I think we are all a bit more fragile now…

I love my friends… I do not care what they look like or how much they weigh… I had to think long and hard about this… I really did. I wondered was I now being that skinny bitch that only wanted skinny friends…  After all, it seems all my new friends are very thin… of course most of them are fairly new post op patients so why wouldn’t they be… and I tried very very hard to see if maybe I was becoming that person…. the person I didn’t want to be… the skinny bitch that no longer would associate with fat people… NOPE I’m not her…  But I got SCARED that I was that girl… that woman I didn’t want to be… the one who JUDGED folks based on size.   I don’t.  But I look at strangers differently now…. NOT my friends… my friends are just that my friends… and I love them…warts and all and they love me.  I don’t see them as fat or thin or black or white or gay or straight… I see them AS PEOPLE…  BUT as I alter my friendships with folks, (“re-establishing boundaries” as a friend of mine pointed out this morning) I can’t help but wonder if they see it as “see now she’s skinny so she doesn’t want to hang around fat people”….    and that’s NOT IT at all… but it sure looks like it at least from the outside looking in and at least to me at first glance…  and I worry  do I have to work doubly hard to not look like the skinny bitch who discriminates against fat folks….  HOW  HARD THIS IS….

I never had to think about it when I was fat.   I was nice to everyone.  I’m still nice to everyone… but things for me have changed…. PEOPLE HOLD DOORS FOR ME NOW….men and women… they didn’t do that when i was 300 pounds…  Men smile at me and talk to me… in public.. out of nowhere… again not done when I was 300 pounds…   NOW ME…

I talk to everyone..  I hold doors for everyone… I SMILE at everyone.  I still feel like that fat chick… so I look at the SMO women and I smile that “we are sisters smile”  only it comes out different now… It comes out as the “skinny bitch making fun of me look”…..  and it’s NOT… I want a sign that says  “formerly FAT CHICK” but since I can’t get one I find myself NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT with FAT people…   this makes me SAD.   That’s not what I want but I can’t bear the stares that tell me I’m no longer part of the club….

And to some extent I miss that club… it was safe… it was known… we knew who belonged with a glance…  I feel sometimes that I am floundering adrift in a sea of humanity…

So what’s changed… let’s go from the bottom up…

my feet:  smaller.. narrower… that alone scares me..

my body:  smaller… fitter under all the flab…. the skin has a mind of it’s own… the skin… oy the skin… it still defines me in my brain as fat… and yet sometimes I move it when I shower and I see that tiny TINY girl under the flab… I marvel at my fitness now… I walked for 45 minutes this morning… I only stopped because I had to go take my yoga class.  Yoga class where I can hold planks and down dogs and bridges… and do pigeons…  Yoga where I am strong and powerful… Yoga that I love…

my brain… ah that is the rub… has my brain changed or just how I deal with it… and what’s the difference….   I so wanted to prove that I could stay the same… and here I am having to admit I did not…

I mean I think I did… I think the same way…  I know that.. but how I act on it has changed…  I think now that I’m small… (see I wanted to say smaller… like I’m not SMALL… but I am a size 10 with 2 sizes worth of SKIN on me… so I’m probably a size 6 after plastic surgery… that’s SMALL)….  but i digress… now that I’m SMALL… I’m  even MORE flirtatious than I was at 300 pounds… and I was a hot flirt then… with anyone that would flirt with me.  Of course the realization is now that the only guys that looked at me were big guys…. or guys who had no sense of themselves… or guys that preferred fat girls (for whatever reason)… and I’ve learned that thin men react differently…. but I’ve been told I am different… more outgoing… I make eye contact..  and I realize it’s true… I SILENTLY  DARE men to flirt with me. This is something I never did at 300 pounds…  I look at them and EXPECT them to smile… and say hello… and they DO…  BUT what I’ve discovered is they do it when I’m NOT inviting it as well…..  a man held the door for me today at work and I didn’t even realize it I was too busy texting my hubby!

I’m not invisible now but I was at 300 pounds whether by design or happenstance I don’t know…  Maybe I would have had more attention had I dressed then the way I do now…

Yes I dress differently now… then I dressed for comfort…  occasionally we got dressed up… but I had to settle for what I could find that fit… and that covered.    Shoes, even dress shoes were FLATS..  pants were elastic waist more often than not… with over blouses to hide the tummy…..  there was no waist to show off… daily.. no make up… make up was for dressy events only….

NOW… heels, slacks or skirts… tucked in fitted shirts.. jackets or sweaters…  and MAKE UP daily and CONTACTS not glasses…   so yeah the wrapping is shiny now… so that’s different… and because that’s different I feel different and because I feel different I ACT different… I don’t THINK differently but I am different.  I’m still Nessa.  I’m not the “new and improved Nessa”  I’m still just me… and I still THINK the same…  but how I respond has changed… and I’m not sure how I feel about that….

Would I have had that fight with my friend if I was still 300 pounds… maybe… would my husband have backed me the way he did… I doubt it. He’s changed too… but I would have FELT the same way…  so what does that say…

oh well enough ranting and raving…

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Cin City– a review and a memoir….Part 1

OMG!  just OMG!  how to put this all into words (and without pictures since they are on facebook and I cannot get to them at this time… hopefully when I am home I will remember to add them…)

Let’s do the time line… it will be easier…

Thursday August 19th

after dinner I went to get my good Friend Nikki so that her car could stay at her momma’s house.   Thus began my fun.   We got to my house and Girl Child’s WONDERFUL strong boyfriend moved all the stuff into the van for us.  Nik and I managed to hang out and still get to bed around 12 am ish I believe. I dyed my hair,  I packed.  not much but enough in fact still yet again I packed more than I needed… but it was good nevertheless….

Friday August 20th…  TRAVEL DAY

The alarm was set for 4:45.  Debbie (we must get her a blog so I can link for her too) was very early and tried knocking on the door, calling the cell phones and getting no response… she ended up calling the house phone and up we got.. I let her in, woke Nikki… (she’s so NOT pleasantly awake at  0’dark:30)… I had showered the night before when I did my hair so I was grab and go… Nik got a shower and we grabbed a few things and after kissing my hubby off we went… (I was the only one that kissed him btw)….

WE got on 70 going West.  This was my first going west trip ever… we drove.  we had Garmin with us.  My lovely Garmin Nuvi  Wide Screen with the British voice (cause the American girl WHINES)…. She also tells me how fast I’m going but I ignore her mostly…

AND I got a SPEEDING TICKET…. deserved….  truly.  Yes Mr. Ohio Police Officer I was going 1-20 miles over the limit…  I clocked me at 77 you allege I was doing 80  I like easy numbers to work with so 15 over the limit works for me… 80 in a 65… skies sunny, traffic light… all on the ticket.. the $100.00 ticket.  NO POINTS in MD for this… and I thought it would be more than 100 dollars… so I see the cop, hit the brakes and see him start to move… i pull to the right.. and tell Debbie and Nik..   “he got me”…    Debbie didn’t think so but I knew… and yeppers he pulled behind me and flashed the lights and OVER I went… NO PROBLEM…. at least not for me… poor Debbie was horrified…  “tell him you were keeping up with traffic”  she said…  “nope I wasn’t. I WAS speeding… he got me I earned it…” and I did.  I was speeding.  I had Nik find the registration and Debbie got my license… I rolled down the windows and he walks over to the Passenger side of the van… he was very polite if not a bit confused… as you will see:

I roll down the window and say hello and acknowledge before he can say anything that I know I was speeding… I had him my license and registration.  I’m forgetting that my license says I weigh 240 pounds… and has a picture of me at 240 pounds…. (i had NOT lied on the last license since 240 was down from where I had been and I was thrilled with that)  I weigh about 165 now but I look nearly 20 pounds lighter than that….

Ohio Officer:  “I clocked you at 80”

Me:     “yes sir i was speeding”

OO:   where are you ladies headed?

ME:  Cincinnati

OO:   are you in a rush?

ME:   Yes sir I am.  (i thought he was going to be rendered totally speechless at this point)

OO:  What do you do for a living?  (odd question yes???)

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government

OO:   WHAT???

ME:  I’m an IT Specialist for the Federal Government  (btw that’s ALWAYS what I say not just for his benefit)

OO:  oh because on the back of the car is a bumpersticker-

ME: (cutting him off)   oh yes that says  “my other car is a school bus”  yes, this is my husband’s car and he’s a school bus driver and had he been driving we would NOT have been speeding (which is damn true)….

OO:  well I’ll be back with the ticket and you can sign and be on your way

he goes and writes the ticket and comes back to me and we chitty chat a bit about stuff and somehow the fact that I’m much smaller now than what’s on my License comes up and I say

ME:  well I’ve lost a lot of weight

OO:  everywhere but your foot…

which actually was kind of cute…

I did not speed the rest of the trip!

we get to the hotel around 3 pm… unload the car and opt to pay for regular parking… oy I screwed that up too.. bashed in the side of my husband’s van big time with yellow paint and everything… looks horrible.  Door still works but it’s bad.. he forgives me… he’s a good guy and I’m a maroon…

we got to our room I shared with Debbie… and then hit the Q and A session…

I came out and found ANDREA and BETH (Melting Mama) and bless Beth the first words out of her mouth were “OMG YOURE SO SKINNY”  and she meant it!   made me feel great….

and here is where I will stop with part 1… there’s more to come  cupcakes and yoga and Clicktinis….

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You want to lose HOW MUCH more?

Went out with the BFF today… we’ve been friends for way too long… too long to admit.  We were young when we met… I was in my 20s… we’ve raised 4 kids between us… had a few husbands… finally have it figured out and life is good for both of us.  She’s loved me fat or thin, redhead or not… I’m a goof and she’s my rock… the stable normal one to my insanity…. but it works well for us.

Anyway today was SHOPPING… (and lunch)…. we went to Arundel Mills Mall in hopes of finding CLINIQUE BONUS TIME…. we did not find it but we did find CLINIQUE…  and some clothes…for me… and some books for both of us… but I digress.  I got jeans today… SIZE 14.   So why do I feel FAT?  a year ago I was nearly size 26 again… I”m down to size 14 and I feel like a failure and I feel fat….  Sometimes.

The 14’s looked GOOD…. felt GOOD…. were on sale….. I swear I may wear them with the tags on….  wondering what the weather is tomorrow…I got some cute tops too.  And beige corduroys for my STEAMPUNK costume for the SteamPunk World’s fair next month… they were 16s… I bet I could have done them in 14… Tops are still XL but that’s for the boobs… I’m thinking 40DD still… noticing bad skin under my arms now… might have been the bra I was wearing…

oh i did get 6 tanks for under clothes… size large cause i like them SNUG….

did some more shopping later with DH that included some new WORK-IT camis and some sports bras….

But that’s so NOT what I want to talk about today here…   Donna and I were sitting at Chili’s having lunch…. (and I eat pretty normally now… I had the inside of half a wrap with chicken and a couple of french fries and brought the rest home…) and she asked me how much more I wanted to lose…. well I’m at about 185 now.  I think I want to SETTLE at 155… I was a size 10 20 years ago at that weight so I bet I’ll be an 8 now?  Sizes have so changed ya know…. so I told her FORTY more pounds….  that gets me to 145 and gives me 11 pounds bounce back room… Well she pointed out how good I looked at 155… so I’m really close to being at goal.  I am 29.x  pounds from permanent goal weight and 39.x from lowest weight ever…  that’s NOT A LOT….  IF I continue losing an average of 2 pounds per week I am about 4 months away from permanent  goal….  and less than 5 months from bounce back weight and I can’t see this happening.   or maybe I can and that scares me to death…

I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I might get to goal…. maybe that’s why I set my goal so low… so that I’d never get there…. who knows.

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03/26/09

Still have rumblings of discontent.  So hard to be permanently perfectly happy in life.   Gray overcast and rainy today.   I’m hoping I can update the blog daily but I know as i get healthier and busier that the web will have to fall by the wayside.


Starting to really get into walking on the link with Lew  (HI LEW).  One of my better buddies at work!  Yesterday we did 4 laps (I count it as a mile) and then we did 8 laps later in the day (that’s 2 miles)  I guess I’ll need to add one extra lap with the second walk to make it a full 3 miles…  hopefully eventually I can do 8 laps in the morning and 9 laps in the afternoon and have 4 miles per day.  Makes me think at least for a while I can give up the gym.  Save some money.  I think my contract is over for now.   Even is we give it up 6 months that’s 600 dollars.. big savings.


Today Brian and I visit the Pulmonary Doctor as a step towards being approved for WLS.  A tad nervous but not really.  Just a bit stressed as Brian gets stressed and that stresses me.


I have to leave work at 9 and have no idea when i’ll be back but i guess I’m working till 6 tonite to make up for it.


HUGE:  we are NOT having Chicken for dinner.   LOL.   nope  just beef.  I’m thinking  beef, rice, cheese beans and salsa in a casserole.    Something like this but no tortilla topping just the casserole part:




I am always amazed when folks think I’m a good cook.  I’m not.  not really.


oh well, maybe more later….

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