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Ethnic Chicken

Nothing Ethnic, Maybe some Chicken, Mostly Nessa

It’s Raining… It’s Thursday, my house is a mess and I have the dentist today

’nuff said?

the house is a disaster as we work on getting it beautiful and wonderful. Jim.. oy vey he’s dealing with the stress of this very well. He looks exhausted… how he deals with me I don’t know.

we are updating the house daily but right now it’s a slow process as I have no access to my laptop… if it’s still this bad when I get home I may drag it to panera and have dinner there and use the wifi…

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More Surgery… the re-invention of Nessa

Yes I’m going to have more surgery on Thursday. Only this time I am SCARED TO DEATH. Thursday I go to St. Agnes Hospital and I see Dr.G. Thomas Grace for a full “tummy tuck” (Abdominoplasty) and a mastopexy or BOOB LIFT… no implants at this point just a lift but Dr. Grace seems to think I”ll be happy with the results. I may be… he may be… but Jim… well he may not be. Of course I’ll still be flat on top so implants may be needed to make the girls fluffy pillows.. but with implants they will be. Dr. Grace says it’s the bra that makes the cleavage but I am not sure that’s going to be enough for me. Oh well time will tell… I will live with them for a bit and see how it goes…

I was not half this scared when I had the gastric bypass in September 2009. I cannot believe it’s almost two years since I had that surgery… it seems like yesterday….

My weight this morning was high for me now… 151.2 I have been as low as 145. The morning of surgery I was 256… that’s about 30 pounds down from my heaviest…. so I’ve lost about 135 pounds. THAT’S about what I’ll weigh when all the plastic surgery is done. I’ve lost ME…. wow.

I’ve also FOUND me… my life has changed so much… my marriage died…. my life changed with the addition of Jim as my partner… I’m now doing an age gap relationship where calling me a cougar seems appropriate… Jim is 38 to my 51 and there are days I feel so old… I’m also doing a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) and it’s HARD. I want to be with Jim full time… and being apart is HARD for both of us…. I really like being a girl… you know feminine and girly… I never really did that in the past… Jim, while not demanding these changes in my life… encourages them, relishes them, supports them (both emotionally physically and financially)…. and he enables me to find the person I am enjoying becoming….

So what has changed for me now…

I dress differently..no more comfy clothes… now it’s skirts and skinny jeans… and SHOES… oy SHOES… i used to only wear comfy flats… now it’s heels almost all the time… even my running around shoes have a 1 inch heel…. that’s about as flat as I get now… nothing much that’s elastic waist… Dresses… form fitting, no A line stuff for me… and it’s true clothes make the (wo)man… I feel differently about myself when I dress up…. it’s a good thing.

My hair… long and curly is no more.. now it’s short and straight… (and yes I like it better this way, makes me look more mature and yet younger… and the color…no longer a Lucille Ball red… now it’s more of a dark auburn… almost a brown with red…. I may go a bit darker still….

Jewelry is plentiful. There are bracelets that Jim has bought me.. my beautiful collar/locket that we had engraved and altered to reflect our life together…. I never liked things around my neck before I lost weight… now I feel naked without my beautiful collar… (and yes it’s a collar that indicates that Jim and I are in a committed relationship, some women wear rings… I have my collar… Jim wears a beautiful ring that I got him… I like that we want traditional things like a committed relationship but wish to symbolize it with non-traditional things…. he also wears his bracelet that I had engraved with KEEPER on it… For he is A keeper… and he is MY KEEPER…. and he takes care of me….

I love this picture… it defines how safe I feel with Jim…. and how Happy I am… I hate that I think I look old and my belly looks like I’m pregnant… I love how happy he looks with me all “critterfied” on him… He’s just such a delight to snuggle into…

Jim makes me feel pretty and sexy and desireable… odd considering that when we started this it was fun and games and I was not his type and not attractive to him….he was like he said “a single guy who was not going to turn down NSA sex” Amazing what love can do for a person… now I’m beautiful…. and he wants me… HOW the hell did I get here with him?

Anyway, I am doing the 95 trek after work to go get him… Hopefully I will be there by 6… I have to drive during rush hour…and he is being very kind and dealing with his dislike of my house and staying with me… He makes a lot of sacrifices for me… and I appreciate it.

Hopefully this summer of pain and stress will be worth it….

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Still HERE…

I am here! I am busy having a life with Jim…. up and down 95 by train for him or car for me…

Brian is doing well he’s met a lovely young woman with three small children…

my dear dogs… Harley is living with friends… doing well
Hannah has gone to stay with her aunt (Brian’s sister in law) and Jim and I pay dog support for her food and medical care…. I miss them both but Jim is so allergic we had no choice. And boy did he try to make it work!

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Tuesday

Lost another Monday

but today is worse. I feel like ca-ca.  I have yet ANOTHER cold…  this is like my fourth cold this winter… why I am so sick this winter i have no idea.  I think I got this one either from my team lead or a co-worker or maybe Brian… ugh… I know I’ shared it with Jim and Daniel.

I came in and did my letter for work and i want nothing more than to go  home and go to bed… ugh.

but I am toughing it out as best as I can….

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Fourms… Support or Obsession

I love message boards.   I love support that I get at message boards… I love attention I get at message boards.  At small message boards such as  South Beach Friends I’ve made AWESOME long term REAL friends.  Many of them I’ve met in person.   That kind of board is special.   Your friends, know you, love you, care about you, do NOT blow smoke up your butt…they call it like they see it.  And that’s a good thing.  Having friends in real life and/or online who tell you WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR vs. what you WANT to hear are good.     It may hurt but it’s important.

South Beach Friends started out as a diet support board.  It’s morphed into  a bunch of friends hanging out and speaking their minds… and I love that.  

But it’s still about being healthy and sane… and my current situation is NOT sane.  NOT at all. And I know this.  So what is it I need for support right now?   I am in a long distance relationship.  I HATE it. It’s killing us. BOTH of us.  WE are so freaking sleep deprived it’s NOT funny. it’s as if we need to be on the phone half the night… as if that makes being apart better… but does it?  

We become non-functional in the important parts of our day.  Hell I’m non-functional now just thinking of him… I worry about Jim, he worries about me,  phone calls are a lousy substitue for hugs…  so I seek others who GET it.  Well at South Beach Friends, there are no LDRs going on… so I look for other message boards..  but what do I need support for?  

It’s:

1.  A long distance relationship

2.  An age gap relationship because I am 13+ years older than Jim

3.  A relationship that contributed to the breakup of my marriage  (NOT the cause but the catalyst)

4.  Dominant personalities trying to find their way

5.  addictive personalities trying to find their way

so tell me where is the message board for  Long Distance Cougars…. etc etc etc….

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I’m losing days…

Last week I lost Tuesday… i was just too tired.

This week I lost monday.  Why?  Because Sunday I went to see Jim and stayed over night… we had a minor fender bender with the car and the car needed to go to the shop and I needed a rental.   Most of yesterday was spent dealing with the insurance with that.

I decided at the very very last  minute to go have dinner with Jim on Sunday night… we needed to talk about some things and we both felt in person was a better choice.. Brian agreed to help me with the dogs so I opted to stay overnight.  

We had a late dinner and talked and talked and talked.  Everything is wonderful.    We ran some errands.  and at the second Errand.. we hit a pole with the front of my car.   Thankfully the car was driveable and I was able to get home..  But Monday was spent with insurance and rentals and all that stuff…   I am so glad I am a federal employee and life is flexible… how do others do it???

Anyway the car is in the shop, I’m driving a Jeep Liberty for the rental… HUGE car compared to my Matrix but I like it.  Jim wanted me to try it and offered to pay the difference since insurance covers $30 per day… I think I could learn to like it… 

I have to start getting more sleep… this going to bed at midnight or later is killing me…

So, today is a tuesday that feels like Monday…  and next week, I will be off Friday and Monday….  FOUR DAY WEEKEND BABY… with Jim no less!  woo-hoo.

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Another Post… or See Below… or THE BOYFRIEND

Not going to make a long story short here so settle down for the long haul.

THIS is my current favorite picture of Jim it was taken a few years back but I think he has a painting in a closet somewhere that’s aging for him.  honest he’s over 18 by 20 years!  he’ll be 38 in June!

I will skip all the stuff about how I’ve known Jim since August 2009… WE first had some serious interaction in August 2010 at a gaming convention.   I’m an outrageous flirt… and with my then-husband’s permission I was rather assertive in my desires of Jim.   Jim even questioned him as to whether or not I was “permitted” this dalliance and was told I was…  Sadly nothing came of it back in August.

Fast forward to the beginning of November 2010 at yet ANOTHER gaming con…. I ramped up the flirting to OVER the TOP… I even posted in private that I was so  over the top that I probably got myself in trouble with “flirty guy” as I referred to him then and there…  He actually sent me a text asking to talk to me… I tossed and turned all night thinking he was going to “slap my hand’ and tell me how inappropriate I was; but no, the truth was, I was OUT there enough to FINALLY CATCH his attention.. and I’m rather glad I did.

So in the beginning of November we decided to start this “relationship”.  I was NOT cheating or lying as my husband knew I was spending time with Jim.  What I did not share was how deeply my feelings for this man were growing on a daily basis. I NEVER meant to care for him the way I do… nor did I ever expect him to care about me back… but we do.  And here we sit.

WE started out slowly  A short visit in early December.. then nothing for four weeks…  a visit in early January showed that we continued to enjoy being together.    That one lasted a bit longer but still not even 24 hours.  Then came the “command performance” as I call it.  A visit two weeks later on January 22nd still only a 23 hour stay… but this visit was pivotal for me.  This was the visit where I realized just how important this man was becoming to me…  and it scared me.    I SHOULD have run then.  But I could not.  or would not is more accurate.

WE made the conscious choice to pursue a relationship.  IT was NOT the reason my marriage broke up. It was a catalyst towards the end of something that should be over.   Being with Jim has given me the strength and courage to do what I needed to do.. NOT stop Brian when he walked out this last time.

WE had another visit in February  our first full weekend.. two nights… Friday-Sunday and I loved it so much I did it again the NEXT weekend…  and by then I was done for.  HOOKED.

We talked and I realized what was going on for me and I expressed my desire to see him more than once a month.  We have currently settled on every other weekend but I do not know how long that will last..  there are days it’s all I can do to NOT get in the car and make the 2 hour trek….

My husband moved out and we just ran full speed ahead into trying to see what we have.   And yes I’m glad we are trying this on to see how it fits.   It’s NOT easy.  Long distance relationships are HARD.  We are both suffering from severe lack of sleep on a regular basis.  My car knows the route so well I don’t even have to pay attention much. I have the trip up 95 down to a science.  1 hour 15 minutes to the Delaware Welcome Center (DWC) which puts me 45 minutes from Jim’s front door.   Baring traffic of course.  The Delaware Toll Plaza is the bane of my existence.  I hope the construction is done soon…. it’s so bad I’m getting an EZ Pass again..

While we live 2 freaking hours apart (and that’s killing me more and more)… We are in agreement that we are a couple now.   Jim makes me smile.  He pushes me to be the best person I can be and yet nurtures me when I need to be coddled and babied.   He is independent enough to take care of himself and yet lets (and needs)  me  (to) take care of  him JUST enough…

I have no idea where we will go. I have no idea how long we will walk towards that goal.  I do know that adding a new partner to my life when my old partner is still in the picture was harder than I ever imagined.  Lots of tears were shed.  Feelings hurt, hearts broken.   Friends lost and confused by this don’t know what to say or who to say it to.   AND it’s compounded by the fact that  MY friends are folks that KNOW Jim…

But now that it’s just the two of us… and I can be open about it… I want to shout to the world that this man is mine. And I am his.

It’s COMPLICATED does NOT begin to describe my life now…

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The More Things Change…

My life has changed.  A lot.  This Thursday will be two weeks my husband has moved out.  This Saturday will be two weeks that my (step) daughter and her boyfriend and their dog moved out…  So I am alone now.  I think I like it.  It’s a change from the last 7 years of having them in the house… but I can reclaim my space and my life.   And while I am sad at the end of another stage of my life (more guilty than sad I fear) I am thrilled at the new beginnings this offers me.

I think that as much as I love Brian I have to love myself more. I think I have to admit that as much as I loved and needed him I don’t need him now. I don’t need to have my life filled up every second of every day.  Yes a warm body in the bed is nice.  Yes someone to come home to is nice.  Yes being loved and adored and wanted is very nice.  But if the person loving you is sucking the life out of you with neediness is it worth it?

Why did I marry?  

 Well the first time, I was young,  I wanted OUT of my parents house and a good excuse for getting out of school…  I thought I loved him.   We married I was 21.  At 24 I had son #1   At 26 I had son #2.  At 28  I told him  “I want a divorce”.   I had grown tired of being told what a useless person I was.  Bless my parents.  They took care of me and helped me.     I found a job, got a home, had a life.  

The second time…. well ugh I hate to even talk about it….  Mom died in late 1995.  Ex husband had remarried either late the year before or earlier in 1995… I was ALL alone… kids were living with ex most of the time… I was vulnerable.  I was in a bad place in my brain…  I met the second disaster online at some dating site I think… gawd I have blocked so much of his mess in my life out…   He came down, and never left…  in July 1996 I married him.  He didn’t really want to get married but I rather insisted.   It was for lots of reasons… health insurance for him comes to mind mostly… lousy reason to get married.  Tax break for me… another lousy reason…   He never lived with me full time.  He would flit back and forth between Baltimore and Brooklyn and that started happening more and more towards the end. I think we had about THREE good years…  He did horrible things like steal my jewelry and my car.  He lied to me.  He cheated on me… he tried to kill me…   That divorce was final I believe late 2002. 

I met Brian about the same time. Online end of November 2002  We were supposed to be friends… he was “engaged” to a woman online.   WE met in person a week later  December 1, 2002.   He moved in with me  March 2004 and we married December 2004.   We were happy.  He brought his daughter with him and she became mine.  I will always be mom for her if she wants… how could I not…  I love Brian I do. But he does not love himself and my loving him is not enough for both of us…  His pain and suffering kills me.  His lack of self-esteem kills us both.  I want him to be happy, my life has changed.  I was physically TIRED when I  married Brian.   Hauling around 300 pounds is exhausting both physically and mentally.  Getting married made good sense to me… I loved him. I wanted to take care of him and his daughter.   I am a caretaker at heart.  I wanted to be loved.  Who was going to love a 300 pound woman who did NOTHING but sit around the house….  I thought I loved me.  I thought I was happy I thought all was fine.

Then we had the Gastric Bypass surgeries. And while I wanted to pretend I did not and would not change, I have. I’m not tired anymore.  Not Mentally. Not Physically. Not Emotionally.  I have grown and matured.  I realized that love is NOT enough to sustain me.   I need more.  I need someone to question me, to challenge me to balance me, and yes to need me.  But also to FEED me.  Feed me emotionally, feed me mentally, feed me spiritually.  Brian NEEDED me but he could not feed anything but my need to be needed.  I discovered that unconditional love tinged with fear and insecurity is ugly and painful to live with.    I could no longer mirror back to him those feelings.   We deteriorated.  I did not help. I could have stopped feeding my soul with another person but I was afraid of being sucked back down into the muck and mire that was suffocating me.  So I was OPEN about my relationship with him.  I thought that would help. I thought that would make it better.  Brian could not cope.  I tried to explain to him that I could love two men.  He could not accept that.  He left me.  I understand that.  I let him go. I did not stop him. I could have easily stopped him. I could have complied with the ending of my new relationship but I did not.  I chose that relationship over my marriage.

I have spent my entire life settling.   On my weight, my looks, my loves, my house, my car, EVERYTHING…  now this is not to say that I am going to STOP settling, but at least I am more aware of it.

Currently my weight is up about 5 pounds from where i like to be but I have some leeway and I have not yet had plastics… I do have to watch it however…  while they do fix our bellies, they don’t fix our brains.  And my BRAIN wants to self medicate with food.  I am working hard on this.   But it’s hard. I’m scared.   Of life, of love, of living, of getting too thin, of getting fat again.  Of the plastic surgery that looms on my horizon.

I hate that I’m admitting my failure at a THIRD marriage but I am.  How embarrassing this is for me, to admit how badly I screw up relationships.  How bad my choices are.  How I have not learned from my past mistakes.  Will I continue to repeat the same mistakes?

Will I learn from this mistake… probably not.  “Why not?” you may ask… I mean seriously.. THREE failed marriages… how could I be so careless or cavalier…  How could I HURT people like I did?  I hurt Brian.  His family.  His daughter.  She was my daughter for so many years… now she’s gone to me too.  I’ve probably upset  my dad.  

I know our mutual friends are destroyed.  They have no clue what to say or how to act.  Brian and I are trying very very very hard to make sure we all still stay friends.  I hope we can pull this off…  It’s early on so maybe time will soothe all the wounds.

Why do I worry so about others?  Because I love and care about them.  Because I’m embarrassed at my mistakes and failures.   I want to be a good person. I want to take care of folks.  I want to be a role model someone that folks can look at and think  “I wish I was like Nessa”… now they just look at me and shake their heads and have pity for me for being such a screwed up thing….

And I have guilt over the end of this marriage. I admit it.  Brian is not totally to blame. I will not let the sword fall on his neck totally.    Yes there are things that I did to facilitate the end of the marriage.  I attempted to add something to my life that was lacking.   (see below)….. and Brian did not cope well with it.  I can’t blame him and yet at the same time I can.  He told me in August it was ok. He told me in November it was OK.  He kept telling me it was OK even after he would tell me he did not want me to do it.  I TOLD HIM to TELL ME NOT TO DO IT…but he couldn’t or wouldn’t.  And I would not or could not stop.   And honestly,I am not sorry for this.  Brian has left and is involved with a young woman and her family.  I hope she gives him all he needs and wants and he can do the same for her.   

He always, until recently, needed to have OTHER people (read women who wanted him romantically) in his life… and yet once I tried to add someone  he suddenly wanted to go back to a traditional marriage.  This seemed unfair to me.

I married Brian because I loved him. I loved him because he loved and needed me. It was easy.  And at 300 pounds I was TIRED all the time.  Physically TIRED.

WE need to be apart and not married.   Love is NOT enough.   I care about him and want him happy and healthy and well. I wish him no ill will.   I hope in the long run we can ALL be friends.  

And yet I will survive.  I will mature and grow and thrive..  and I doubt I’m done changing…

***********THIS IS BELOW*************

Of course I’m not totally alone… there is “THE BOYFRIEND”     but I will leave that for another post…

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