Yes I’m going to have more surgery on Thursday. Only this time I am SCARED TO DEATH. Thursday I go to St. Agnes Hospital and I see Dr.G. Thomas Grace for a full “tummy tuck” (Abdominoplasty) and a mastopexy or BOOB LIFT… no implants at this point just a lift but Dr. Grace seems to think I”ll be happy with the results. I may be… he may be… but Jim… well he may not be. Of course I’ll still be flat on top so implants may be needed to make the girls fluffy pillows.. but with implants they will be. Dr. Grace says it’s the bra that makes the cleavage but I am not sure that’s going to be enough for me. Oh well time will tell… I will live with them for a bit and see how it goes…
I was not half this scared when I had the gastric bypass in September 2009. I cannot believe it’s almost two years since I had that surgery… it seems like yesterday….
My weight this morning was high for me now… 151.2 I have been as low as 145. The morning of surgery I was 256… that’s about 30 pounds down from my heaviest…. so I’ve lost about 135 pounds. THAT’S about what I’ll weigh when all the plastic surgery is done. I’ve lost ME…. wow.
I’ve also FOUND me… my life has changed so much… my marriage died…. my life changed with the addition of Jim as my partner… I’m now doing an age gap relationship where calling me a cougar seems appropriate… Jim is 38 to my 51 and there are days I feel so old… I’m also doing a Long Distance Relationship (LDR) and it’s HARD. I want to be with Jim full time… and being apart is HARD for both of us…. I really like being a girl… you know feminine and girly… I never really did that in the past… Jim, while not demanding these changes in my life… encourages them, relishes them, supports them (both emotionally physically and financially)…. and he enables me to find the person I am enjoying becoming….
So what has changed for me now…
I dress differently..no more comfy clothes… now it’s skirts and skinny jeans… and SHOES… oy SHOES… i used to only wear comfy flats… now it’s heels almost all the time… even my running around shoes have a 1 inch heel…. that’s about as flat as I get now… nothing much that’s elastic waist… Dresses… form fitting, no A line stuff for me… and it’s true clothes make the (wo)man… I feel differently about myself when I dress up…. it’s a good thing.
My hair… long and curly is no more.. now it’s short and straight… (and yes I like it better this way, makes me look more mature and yet younger… and the color…no longer a Lucille Ball red… now it’s more of a dark auburn… almost a brown with red…. I may go a bit darker still….
Jewelry is plentiful. There are bracelets that Jim has bought me.. my beautiful collar/locket that we had engraved and altered to reflect our life together…. I never liked things around my neck before I lost weight… now I feel naked without my beautiful collar… (and yes it’s a collar that indicates that Jim and I are in a committed relationship, some women wear rings… I have my collar… Jim wears a beautiful ring that I got him… I like that we want traditional things like a committed relationship but wish to symbolize it with non-traditional things…. he also wears his bracelet that I had engraved with KEEPER on it… For he is A keeper… and he is MY KEEPER…. and he takes care of me….
I love this picture… it defines how safe I feel with Jim…. and how Happy I am… I hate that I think I look old and my belly looks like I’m pregnant… I love how happy he looks with me all “critterfied” on him… He’s just such a delight to snuggle into…
Jim makes me feel pretty and sexy and desireable… odd considering that when we started this it was fun and games and I was not his type and not attractive to him….he was like he said “a single guy who was not going to turn down NSA sex” Amazing what love can do for a person… now I’m beautiful…. and he wants me… HOW the hell did I get here with him?
Anyway, I am doing the 95 trek after work to go get him… Hopefully I will be there by 6… I have to drive during rush hour…and he is being very kind and dealing with his dislike of my house and staying with me… He makes a lot of sacrifices for me… and I appreciate it.
Hopefully this summer of pain and stress will be worth it….
Tags: abdominoplasty, breast lift, collar, doctor, goal weight, Jim, Keeper, mastopexy, new clothes, plastic surgery, raving rambling, scared, surgery, tummy tuck, weight, weight loss, whining
Lost another Monday
but today is worse. I feel like ca-ca. I have yet ANOTHER cold… this is like my fourth cold this winter… why I am so sick this winter i have no idea. I think I got this one either from my team lead or a co-worker or maybe Brian… ugh… I know I’ shared it with Jim and Daniel.
I came in and did my letter for work and i want nothing more than to go home and go to bed… ugh.
but I am toughing it out as best as I can….
I swear if I could just talk or think in my brain this site would be FULL… but I have to currently TYPE it… ugh.
Let’s start with this.. it’s Friday It’s September.. it’s Rosh Hashana. (Jewish new year not that I celebrate) AND I HAVE A COLD. not a little runny nose cold… not a head cold.. NO I have a full blown BODY cold…. head hurts, nose runs, face hurts and is throbbing… throat feels like I swallowed razor blades, I have a NON PRODUCTIVE cough…. ugh. Slightly runny nose, tight chest… muscle aches.. UGH… just a crummy crummy crummy cold…. it sucks.
I haven’t updated much cause there is not much to update… I have been about the same weight since the end of June. I was 169 then. I was 169 on August 30th. Today I was 164.2 Granted I was 161.6 yesterday… so I’m up a few pounds… but i’m SICK I scream… and I’m HUNGRY cause I’m SICK… so that means at 10 a.m. I am eating my lunch… so what will I do at LUNCH TIME? eat my snack? nope.. I’m going HOME… well first to the bank then home… on the couch sleeping.. ugh.
Hi OH HI…. Hello…. HI THERE! (do you speak dog? cause that’s how I talk to the pups…)
It’s THURSDAY…. a bright sun-shiny spring day in Baltimore… which is about as good as I can come up with.
Today is LUNCH WITH THE BFF… that’s how the invite came… love that girl. have for nearly 20 years…. long before she loved me I knew we would be buds… she’s saved my life a few times in every sense of the word… I would travel almost anywhere for her… oh wait, I have…. the ADD tour of the south 2 summers ago was one of my favorite vacations ever. TEN days in a VAN with her… driving from city to city to get some furniture to her darling daughter in TEXAS…. this trip involved a pilgrimage to GRACELAND… oh and drunk dialing my darling husband from NOLA but that’s another story for another time…
So there was a blow up at southbeachfriends yesterday. My fault. Truly. I was snarky. Yes I was. BUT I really feel that I was snarky BACK. The key is at least I ADMIT to being a bitch…. an evil SNARKY bitch while those that I snarked at think they did nothing wrong. How sad for those that live in imaginary worlds where they are wanted. NO ONE BELONGS WHERE THEY’RE NOT WANTED (I’ve got that song on right now… What You Didn’t Say) I love Mary Chapin Carpenter and have for years and years and years. She was my gateway to Country Music.
Who invented the word SNARKY??? it’s such a good word. Ok I looked it up. It’s a 1906 british slang term from 1866 SNARK… meaning irritable who knew? I thought it was an internet thing… as now it’s used to mean a cranky response… as in NESSA was SNARKY to <insert the name of whomever I was snarky to today> when she said <insert my most passive/aggressive mean spirited comment here>.
Sadly for folks I’m always snarky when I OWN THE SITE and can do so. What’s really sad is that I’m not even going to the site today. Not cause I’m afraid to see what was said who the hell cares what they think. I’m not going because I’m waiting to calm down enough to just be able to say “WHATEVER” to them.
The truth is there are several people at SBF that I don’t want there but since I can’t see a reason to remove them other than I don’t like their motives, I can’t justify it. At least not in my mind. Not that they don’t think I will remove them. AND that is the KEY to why they are the way they are. THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHO I AM OR WHAT I’M ABOUT. How sad for them.
I know there are webmasters that rule with an iron fist and it’s my way or the highway… and they seem to think that I’m censoring them. ummm NO! Censoring them would mean I delete their posts and deactivate their accounts. Some of them are even attempting to set up ‘reading accounts’ in the fear that I will deactivate them. I f that’s what they think they need to do, I can understand why I don’t want them there, because they don’t grasp that although I totally disagree with their thought patterns, their beliefs and their motives, I will allow them their delusions and freedom AT THAT SITE. Yes I will. Truth be told, while I OWN it. it’s not MINE… THIS IS MINE. I delete users here daily. I moderate EVERY SINGLE POST here. and will continue to do so…. Aaron and I are the ONLY moderators here. But the SBF site, well their belief that I censor is just ludicrous.
I know I’m going to have to go to the site soon. I know i have to deal with this insanity. Today I do not. Today is send the Critical Patch letter day at work. Today is not a good day for me to play with whiners.
Today’s health report:
There was no dinner last night there was noshing… half a protein bar, have a protein tidbit, got home had some imitation crab and some bacon horseradish cheddar then ate pudding, banana strawberries and chopped pecans with whipped cream… oy such a diet… but there was serious exercise yesterday…half an hour on the arc trainer, an hour of yoga that left my knee hurting so badly I have an appointment with the ortho knee guy on Tuesday… probably to ask about a brace since today the knee is feeling much better… yesterday I thought for sure I was going to need surgery. I know i have a misplaced Baker’s Cyst and a partially torn meniscus which may or may not now be totally torn due to use… SERIOUS use… Yoga three times a week is really stressing the knee but I need the YOGA so I can walk the rest of the week…. and to keep my brain sane… I do have some transfer addiction clearly…
I would do a yoga class every morning if they offered it at the gym…
oh the scale this morning: 185.4. amazing. it was 189 when i went to bed. WHY I got on the scale last night I have no idea. but i did and i expected 187 or so this morning… Yay me!
today:
commute: click/designer whey/milk/coffee
breakfast: none
lunch: applebees with donna
snack: cheese or protein bar or both half a banana
dinner: no clue
snack: dried fruit I”m sure no potty this morning.
Tags: Dogs, Exercise, frustration, knee pain, mary chapin carpenter, ranting, raving, whining, yoga