Sunday July 11, 2010 I was a few months past turning 50 and a few days away from being ten months out from my rebirth of RNY WLS…   The Thursday before I decided to participate in a 5k event.   I didn’t say RUN. I didn’t say RACE.  I said participate in an event… and that’s what I did.

My goal…   verbalized, my goal was to finish in 45 minutes.   Internally my goal was to FINISH AND NOT BE LAST….  I had NO clue how long it would take to complete.  I was not displeased with my finish time of 46:59.  I know that the RUNNING I did at the end… (which left me breathless with a throbbing chest) was the difference with that time.  I jogged a bit of the race… not as much as I could have.  Now I am sorry I did not push harder.

I wonder if I don’t  push myself hard enough.  Everyone seems so impressed with my effort but I rarely sweat at the gym and I rarely hurt or feel sore after a workout.  Maybe I’m lazy?  Maybe I could work harder? Maybe I should? Maybe that’s why I’ve not really lost weight since JUNE 26th!

Is it unrealistic to think that if  I’m eating 1700 or so calories a day and burning 2200 calories a day I should be losing right?  but NO… I’m not.  so what am I doing wrong?    being lazy I guess….

I could work harder

I could eat better.  Yes yes I could. I could eat fewer carbs. but they taste so yummy and go down so easily…

if i didn’t eat the carbs my calories would be way lower and my ability to learn to deal with real life later on much compromised.  If i don’t learn how to eat  7 chips now (pita chips or soy flax chips with protein not plain potato chips for noshing…) later on when I CAN eat the whole bag I just might…   As it is I hate limiting myself to 7 chips…

I am not sure I AM learning the habits the doctors say we need to make this work.  I am scared I am done.  I know if I ate pure protein and veggies and fruits… I’d lose… I would have no choice…  but would I live?

How do I want to live?   right now I can walk into any store and buy clothes.  I look ok in clothes.  I look sorta ok naked too… hubby’s pleased… I can do my yoga, I lift weights, I can walk an HOUR with no problem…. I can run a tiny bit… I WANT to run more…  I want to move more… I want I want I WANT.

what do I need….

my weight this morning 169… OVERWEIGHT NOT OBESE…

my muscles… firm. defined.  but not strong. I still struggle to lift things in daily life… could be my knees who knows…

So do I accept that this is it.. this is my life… or do I shake it up… and if I shake it up… how do I shake it up???

Tags: eating, running, shopping, walking, yoga

well here I am  8 months and a few days out… weighing in at an interesting 176.4 this morning… WOW.. so close to 175…  never thought I’d see this.

169 puts me at OVERWEIGHT  I am 7 pounds from OVERWEIGHT… OMG that’s less than my babies weighed at birth.   I am working through the pain of a pulled butt cheek… LOL… I’m still in the gym and LOVING it.  I feel pretty good.  I sometimes think i look good… it’s almost like I don’t want to allow myself the luxury of admitting I look good.  Like that’s vain or shallow…   Did I do this for my health or my looks?  WELL…. a little of both I guess…  I like the good numbers on the blood work, I Like feeling fit and healthy. I LOVE YOGA..

I guess it’s hard for me to see that I could stop losing in 10 pounds and be done… I think I want to be 145 for a  while…

Tags: Diet, Exercise, yoga

So much to talk about… so much on my mind…

I got my GO WEAR Fit yesterday from my friend Katie..  and I charged it and synced it with my laptop at home (and i can look at the reports at work) I put it on last night but it was after dinner and working out…I did sleep with it but I haven’t synced it so I’ll see tonite.   Some folks don’t put their food in. I may or may not on a daily basis but I will for a few days at least…

I’m still figuring out the display and the armband thing with it.  Putting the armband on is no big deal… wearing it is no big deal… in fact you can’t even tell I have it on today… and it doesn’t bother me… I hope it helps.  I did take a one year subscription and it doesn’t seem too bad.. it will be interesting to see what happens.

This morning while I was on the elliptical (finishing up 20 minutes of cardio (and I worked hard at it) the darn display beeped at me to tell me that My moderate goal was met.  I have tried to look it up and I can’t find it.  oh well I’ll ask around over on OH… I then took a kick ass yoga class with tammie.  I held a tree today. I still wobble badly at tree with a kickstand because of the closed eyes.  I can do a beautiful modified half moon and my child’s pose is improving.   I can do half moon on the left much easier than on the right…

The point is yoga class rocked today and I worked up a nice sweat…

I’ve noticed in the last few days especially I’ve hit a new point.   Yesterday I felt THIN… this morning I feel NORMAL… and it seems that  all the women at the gym that used to find me invisible no longer do…. Now this may be a function of the fact that they see me 5 times a week consistently or it may be a function of the fact that I no longer have that FAT chick appearance…   I don’t know.  I’m not sure I want to know.

What I do know is that I am loving the gym.   I love going, I love how I feel when I’m done. I actually liked sweating today.   Who’d have thunk it ya know…

Why is it that when I think about things they sound so profound and then when I go to write them they seem so trivial.

Tags: Body Media, Exercise, Go Wear Fit, gym, yoga

Today is April 22, 2010, 7 months ago at this time I was in surgery.  I had Gastric Bypass at St. Agnes Hospital with Dr. David Von Rueden on September 22, 2009, just 5 short weeks after my darling husband Brian had it.   At the time it seemed like a good idea.  Now I’m not so sure.

This has been a rough week for Brian.  He is in a LONG LONG STALL and he feels like a WLS failure.  He is not.  He is down nearly 35% of his body weight in 8 months… this is a good thing. He has gone from over 475 pounds to under 315… this is TREMENDOUS… the problem is, he’s still over 300 pounds and I’m not…   While he is VERY compliant about his food and drink, he’s not so compliant about his exercise.  And he knows it.  And we are working on it.   I wish this WAS magic.  It’s not.  It’s HARD work.  Trust me on this….  I work HARD to get as far as I get… and It is slow…  Let’s look at this:

The morning of surgery I weighed 253 on my scale.  (Or was it 256 I can’t remember)… let’s say 253 because I don’t want more credit than I deserve. This morning I weighed 184.4.  How casually I can say that now… but OMG I never thought I’d see the 180s again.

Let’s look at my weight loss monthly since surgery:

Date                              Weight              Monthly Loss      Total Loss      # of months

9/22/2009                 253                        0                                  0                           0

10/22/2009               236.4                     16.6                             16.6                      1

11/22/2009               225                        11.4                             28                         2

12/22/2009               214.2                     10.8                             38.8                      3

01/22/2010               204.8                     9.4                               48.2                      4

2/22/2010                  197.6                    7.2                               55.4                      5

3/22/2010                  191.8                    5.8                               61.2                      6

4/22/2010                  184.4                    7.4                               68.6                     7

The red text indicate months I lost less than average

The orange text indicate months I lost AVERAGE amounts

The  green text the months I lost MORE than average.  Of couse once you get past month six it’s a free for all… so there really is no average… I guess I’m all green now….

So what is AVERAGE?

According to my friend Pam T.

Month 1:                                                       20ish pounds lost

Months 2-6:                                               7-10 pounds per month lost

Month 6 and beyond:                           5-7 pounds or whatever your body feels like doing

So the average at 7 months out is anywhere from 60-77 pounds.  I’m right in there at 68.6 pounds… just under ten pounds per month… but still over 2 pounds per week… ya gotta look at the averages…2 weeks ago I lost NOTHING for the week.  NOTHING… not one ounce.  The week before I lost 3 the week following 3.2  so over a 3 week period I lost over 6 pounds…   Heck I weigh daily and if I did not look at monthly and weekly averages I’d be NUTS.  Because weight loss is not linear, comparable or predictable…

So what is a typical day like?   I think that’s often the question newbies to WLS have…

Weekdays:

Alarm goes off  at 4:55  of course somewhere around 4:30 we all stirred.  I adjusted the tv for the news. the dogs rearranged themselves, hubby went potty… (interestingly enough I do not get enough fluids to make me get up and go potty at night any more…) we then nap till the alarm goes off.  Lazy mornings mean we aren’t bolting out of bed till 5:20…  If it’s MONDAY, WEDNESDAY or FRIDAY, I’m packing work clothes in my gym bag, breakfast, lunch and snacks in my lunch tote grabbing a shower and heading over to the gym.  If it’s THURSDAY I pack gym gear in the gym bag, and head to work because I train with Tammie on Thursday afternoons.

Personally I much prefer Yoga Mornings and wish EVERY morning could be a yoga class morning… Yes I know I could do yoga at home alone… but the dynamic of the class helps.  I plan to record the classes on my itouch along with recording my training sessions with Tammie she can state the name of the machine and the weights and reps for me.. It will be a big help when I’m on my own.  And yes after this set of workout sessions I will be on my own… makes me sad and scared but what else can I do.. it’s very expensive to work with her.  WORTH every penny but still….and I can’t depend on her forever, eventually I have to be on my own and take care of myself…

As usual, I digress…  ah the joys of an ADHD brain.  I think blogs were invented for us…  we ramble along in our own little worlds ya know…  But I do love yoga.  Especially now that I can move… and breathe and it feels better to do it than to not do it.  Yoga has become one of my transfer addictions… seriously.  I love it.  I need it.  For several reasons.

1. it makes me feel better emotionally to have accomplished something

2. it makes me feel better physically and it’s helping to keep me flexible and limber

3. it’s a nice start to my day.

But back to my day….

Every morning I make a protein drink to have in the car on the way to work (I drink some on the way to the gym on gym mornings)

8 oz milk

2 tsp benefiber

1 scoop Click (vanilla or mocha)

1 scoop Designer Whey Vanilla Praline Protein Powder

2 squirts of sf syrup (praline or vanilla usually)

shake this well in my CLICK shaker  and pour into my travel mug that has already been filled with an espresso shot of coffee.

nuke for 45 seconds.

I start EVERY morning with this drink

it’s got about 32 grams of protein and it holds me all morning.   Of course I’m not a big eater yet…  most days.  I do have my moments.

Anyway I have to remind myself to eat and drink… I swear I could go all day with nothing.

I have alarms set to remind me to take my vitamins…

Food that is good for me is not interesting.  I’d rather not eat.

Food that I miss (ice cream, bagels, cakes, cookies etc) scare me and I don’t touch them….

EATING is a chore.   Truly.   it is NOT the pleasure it once was and I am sure will be again…

I don’t think I get enough veggies. I don’t get a lot of fruit…

Protein I’m good with cause of all the protein drinks…

Clothes…

clothes are interesting.  I never thought I’d struggle with body image but I do.  I do not see myself as thin. I have to take a trusted friend with me shopping or else i don’t do well… I buy shirts too big… LOL how funny to me that I am struggling with this….  I was in size 26 at my heaviest.  my 24s were tight the morning of surgery…  now i’m in 14s pretty much… some 16s.  I keep saying I’m in 18s but the 18 jeans were pulled down last night without unbuttoning them… I think 16s are the biggest I can go now…

And shirts… depends on the cut  large or XL  but NOT  3x or even 4x.  And yet I still gravitate towards the big girl sizes…

Bras… were 48DDD now I think 42DD or even 40DD not sure… have to be fitted.. oh joy…

So here I am at 7 months out… losing weight, feeling great loving life,

are there any down sides?

yep… food struggles… emotional upheavals….body image issues,  SKIN… oy I’m starting to try to figure out how much of me is fat and how much is skin….  I’m starting to think there is way more skin than I thought… because although I’m still a solid 184 pounds,  I don’t think I have much more than 30 more pounds to lose… and I have no idea where I am going to tuck all this skin….  I guess I better start saving for plastic surgery….

Tags: averages, brian, clothes, failure, gym, shopping, surgiversary, trainer, weigth loss, WLS, yoga

I have several topics today, so which do you want first my knee, yoga, my lovely potty issues or the hubby and his stress over my becoming a ‘skinny bitch’….  (have I mentioned that I Hate that term…. not bitch but SKINNY)  I am NOT a SKINNY bitch.  a BITCH yes but NOT skinny…

Let’s do potty first since it’s a drive by… WHY does my body NOT cooperate and potty at the time of my choosing?  WHY must we do it at the MOST inconvenient times. and why does it take so damn long?  I hate potty at work… PEE is fine… POTTY at work is just adding insult to injury.   Ok enough whining about potty… which BTW requires  DAILY:

enough fluids  (over 64 ounces of clear fluids)

2 colace

4 magnesium oxide

1 serving of beneifiber powder

a half a cup of fiber rich dried fruit from trader joes

exercise

some decent amount of fat… avocado, guacamole, gravy

See while simple it’s still complex…..

Oh well enough of potty…

My knee… my left knee is severely compromised.  oh hell my whole left leg is compromised I”m blind in one eye, i have a bad right flank (the piraformis) and I’m lame in my left leg… If I was a horse they would have shot me years ago…  Yesterday I went to see my favorite orthopedist.. Ian Weiner… Love that man. he’s a trip…

First of all he recognized my voice but NOT me… he had not seen me since before surgery… WOW… cool too…

then we checked the knee… swollen, painful, and it CLICKS…. so we did a four view Xray series and then he said  “let’s inject it with cortisone unless you WANT me to scope you…”    I did have an MRI of the knee in 2008 and we KNOW it has a medial meniscus tear and a misplaced popliteal cyst WITH debris so probably EVENTUALLY I will need surgery… but this buys me at least 6 weeks if not longer..

So I got up this morning and potty was not happening (my body decides when now ugh) and I went to yoga…. yummy YOGA..I can so see improvement in my practice now… my moves, my strength, my flexibility, my breathing… the only real pain i had today was the priaformis on the right side… and a bit of knee pain in the squatting poses…  I think I will cry if i have to give up yoga for any period of time… it’s what keeps me getting out of bed with minimal pain.  NOTE I did not say NO PAIN….just MINIMAL pain…  At fifty I think I”m not going to be pain free… not on my salary…  I would need daily massages  and working with the trainer to work this kink out… even PT is expensive… a 20 dollar copay per visit.. ugh.

FINALLY I want to talk relationships… my husband is a dear man and I love him madly.  He’s lost 34% of his body weight compared to my 27%  (neither is anything to sneeze at) and he’s losing very very slowly now…  OTOH my body is changing rapidly… his is changing I can see it… but the scale is not moving for him… he’s getting frustrated and feels like a failure… he’s so NOT a failure,  he’s doing great.. EXERCISE is not what he wants… it’s what he needs… and it’s not making him happy and I don’t blame him.  we have to find what he likes… for me I clicked with YOGA…  maybe too much…he won’t swim and he can’t do much walking… how frustrating for him…  he’s 14 pounds from TWOTERVILLE and I hurt for him…  I want him to be happy…

oh well… off to work…

Tags: brian, constipation, Exercise, knee pain, potty, supplements, yoga

my post from SBF:

Morning Gang,

hope everyone is ready for a great spring weekend.

my report:
workout yesterday was good… 15 minutes cardio before, then worked out with tammie (hard arms light legs cause of my knee) then 35 more minutes of cardio… I really don’t do the workouts to get thinner… or stronger unless you count STRONGER as the ability to get out of bed every morning without grabbing the wall due to pain….. this is my biggest fear about seeing the doc on Tuesday what if he tells me I have to stop working out or doing yoga even for a little while. it’s taken me SIX MONTHS to get as far as I have it will take me less than 6 weeks to LOSE all of it… I don’t want to go back to being a cripple…

after the gym I went shopping…

SOLIDLY in size 16 pants… zippers and buttons and all… I can do size 14 if they are elastic waist… WOW… tops are XL or L WOW… I used to be a 4XL FOUR…. tight four even… WOW…

so what did I buy:

1 pair of kakhi ankle length cotton pants.. (wearing them today)
1 pair of black pull on pants for work (size 14/16 fit perfectly)
1 pair of beige pull on size MEDIUM petite…. a tad snug but wearable with an over blouse
1 pair of white denim capris WHITE… size 16… really really cute… bri liked them..
1 blue jersey cardigan (can be a top or a jacket)
1 crinkle/wrinkle flowered 3/4 sleeve top (looks awesome with the black pants)
1 grey and white striped 3/4 sleeve jersey pullover size large.. a tad snug.. looks cute with the white capris
1 3/4 sleeve print top with a ruffle at the neck… black pants or jeans or even the white capris
1 blue thin 3/4 sleeve deep v-neck top for wearing with the tight beige pants

i think that’s it… 110 dollars… can’t beat it.

I’ll shop with BFF on Sunday too… CLINIQUE bonus time at Macy’s

scale this morning: 186 on the nose… oh well…. 1.2 up from my lightest… that’s a potty session… bfd..

on a conference call now…

this morning I did 25 minutes cardio and broke a decent sweat… i read somewhere once that the more you sweat the more fit you are and the more efficient cooling your body can do… but I might be wrong…
yoga was more restorative… I think Tammie tailored it based on our chat yesterday about my knee…
I worked hard. I need to work on core strength…

I noticed breathing today was deeper and better….
plank is improving…

food today:

commute: click/protein/milk/coffee frap
work: chai latte
lunch: at las vegas… probably split a fajita with angie
snack: protein bar cheddar cheese
dinner: chicken w/gravy and roasted veggies
snack: dried fruit and nuts… 

*******************

my knee is really bothering me.  i’m glad i’m seeing the doctor on Tuesday… I have mixed feelings about it… what if he wants to operate ASAP… or what if he doesn’t?   I just want this nagging pain to go away…

Tags: food report, knee pain, new clothes, shopping, yoga

Hi OH HI….  Hello….  HI THERE!   (do you speak dog?  cause that’s how I talk to the pups…)

It’s THURSDAY…. a bright sun-shiny spring day in Baltimore… which is about as good as I can come up with.

Today is LUNCH WITH THE BFF…  that’s how the invite came…   love that girl. have for nearly 20 years…. long before she loved me I knew we would be buds… she’s saved my life a few times in every sense of the word…   I would travel almost anywhere for her…  oh wait, I have….  the ADD tour of the south 2 summers ago was one of my favorite vacations ever.   TEN days in a VAN with her… driving from city to city to get some furniture to her darling daughter in TEXAS….  this trip involved a pilgrimage to GRACELAND… oh and drunk dialing my darling husband from NOLA  but that’s another story for another time…

So there was a blow up at southbeachfriends yesterday.  My fault.  Truly.  I was snarky.   Yes I was.   BUT I really feel that I was snarky BACK.    The key is at least I ADMIT to being a bitch….  an evil SNARKY bitch while those that I snarked at think they did nothing wrong.  How sad for those that live in imaginary worlds where they are wanted.  NO ONE BELONGS WHERE THEY’RE NOT WANTED  (I’ve got that song on right now… What You Didn’t Say) I love Mary Chapin Carpenter and have for years and years and years.   She was my gateway to Country Music.

Who invented the word SNARKY???  it’s such a good word.   Ok I looked it up. It’s a 1906 british slang term from  1866 SNARK…  meaning irritable who knew?   I thought it was an internet thing…  as now it’s used to mean a cranky response… as in  NESSA was SNARKY to  <insert the name of whomever I was snarky to today> when she said <insert my most passive/aggressive mean spirited comment here>.

Sadly for folks  I’m always snarky when I OWN THE SITE and can do so.     What’s really sad is that I’m not even going to the site today.   Not cause I’m afraid to see what was said   who the hell cares what they think.  I’m not going because I’m waiting to calm down enough to just be able to say “WHATEVER” to them.

The truth is there are several people at  SBF that I don’t want there but since I can’t see a reason to remove them other than I don’t like their motives, I can’t justify it.  At least not in my mind.    Not that they don’t think I will remove them.  AND that is the KEY to why they are the way they are.  THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHO  I AM OR WHAT I’M ABOUT.  How sad for them.

I know there are webmasters that rule with an iron fist and it’s my way or the highway… and they seem to think that I’m censoring them.   ummm  NO!  Censoring them would mean I delete their posts and deactivate their accounts.      Some of them are even attempting to  set up ‘reading accounts’  in the fear that I will deactivate them.   I f that’s what they think they need to do, I can understand why I don’t want them there, because they don’t grasp that although I totally disagree with their thought patterns, their beliefs and their motives, I will allow them their delusions and freedom AT THAT SITE.  Yes I will.   Truth be told,  while I OWN it.  it’s not MINE… THIS IS MINE.   I delete users here daily.   I moderate EVERY SINGLE POST here.  and will continue to do so….  Aaron and I are the ONLY moderators here.  But the SBF site,  well  their belief that I censor is just ludicrous.

I know I’m going to have to go to the site soon.  I know i have to deal with this insanity.   Today I do not. Today is send the Critical Patch letter day at work.  Today is not a good day for me to play with whiners.

Today’s health report:

There was no dinner last night there was noshing… half a protein bar, have a protein tidbit, got home had some imitation crab and some bacon horseradish cheddar then ate  pudding, banana strawberries and chopped pecans with whipped cream… oy such a diet…   but there was serious exercise yesterday…half an hour on the arc trainer,  an hour of yoga that left my knee hurting so badly I have an appointment with  the ortho knee guy on Tuesday… probably to ask about a brace since today the knee is feeling much better… yesterday I thought for sure I was going to need surgery. I know i have a misplaced Baker’s Cyst and a partially torn meniscus which may or may not now be totally torn due to use…  SERIOUS use…  Yoga three times a week is really stressing the knee but I need the YOGA so I can walk the rest of the week…. and to keep my brain sane…  I do have some transfer addiction clearly…

I would do a yoga class every morning if they offered it at the gym…

oh the scale this morning:  185.4.   amazing.  it was 189 when i went to bed.  WHY I got on the scale last night I have no idea.   but i did and i expected 187 or so this morning… Yay me!

today:

commute:  click/designer whey/milk/coffee

breakfast:   none

lunch:  applebees with donna

snack:  cheese or protein bar or both half a banana

dinner:  no clue

snack:  dried fruit I”m sure no potty this morning.

Tags: Dogs, Exercise, frustration, knee pain, mary chapin carpenter, ranting, raving, whining, yoga

Good Morning…
A bright sun shinny day here…

up and at the gym did 30 minutes cardio then an hour of OMG I love

today for the first time I realized I was going to do a shoulder stand without a block!

we were doing spinal rolls and then we did a hands under the hips legs up and I realized that the ab strength has improved enough that I was going to try the shoulder stand…. when it came to do it… UP THOSE legs went… then the knees came around the ears… woo-hoo and then straight legs back… OMG almost able to do a PLOW…. and to think back in November I could not even do a down dog or hold a modified plank. We did a sun salutation this morning that involved multiple standing poses including triangle and half moon…. my left side half moon is so much stronger than my right side half moon… (meaning I can stand on the right leg better than the left)… Yoga so shows me the differences in my body.

Sadly this morning my left knee is throbbing. I think that the partially torn meniscus is becoming a totally torn meniscus… oy vey.. and no aleve…

oh well.

scale was 186.2 this morning so creeping back down

food today:

commute: protein click milk coffee
work: hot beverages
lunch: homemade chicken soup with shredded chicken and carrots
snack: think thin protein bar
snack: 2 cubes swiss cheese half a banana
dinner: have a recital for Amy tonite so not sure….
snack: strawberries w/pudding (SF) and chopped pecans

Tags: Exercise, knee pain, NSV, yoga

Tags: Dogs, Exercise, NSV, raving rambling, yoga